DH doesn't want another baby

[needasmartnn]

Don't want to drip feed but don't want to be too identifying either. Me and DH have been going through a bit of a rough patch and he's now decided to tell me he doesn't ever want another baby. We had decided on one more if it happened naturally (and by that I mean not putting massive effort into getting pregnant just no birth control and if it happens it happens)
Again without outing myself I fully believe the reason we don't already have one is because he has been unfaithful in the last 7 years and we were trying to get back on track for the other DC. I truly feel if this hadn't happened then we would have already had the baby I desperately want.
But now I feel like I'm not going to be able to get past this rough patch knowing it's never going to happen, and I'm just going to end up resentful.
DH has other DC from previous relationships and is kind of using this as a bargaining tool saying he 'has enough' which I may possibly have accepted if this had been the deal all along. It becoming the deal now has floored me. AIBU to consider ending my marriage over this? I'm really really upset but I know if I do he'll blame me saying I'm putting myself before our other DC.
If I am BU maybe an outside neutral opinion will help me shake off this sinking feeling in my heart

No, you're not unreasonable. And if he keeps banging on about you breaking up the family for selfish reasons, well, he only has your good nature to thank for keeping it together after he cheated.

It was a baby that was discussed after the second DC came along, before and after the infidelity. I'm no fool I genuinely thought my marriage was going to work now, I forgave his cheating. Then a slight bump in the road and he dropped it on me after we've been back together for a few years. I don't think that classes as a band aid baby thank you

I think you should end the marriage if you see no future because of his dishonesty.

However, whether you stay with him or leave, I get the feeling it won't resolve your issue, which is that you seem fixated on having another baby

Would you be desperately seeking another potential father for a child if you leave your dh? There is a sense of desperation for a baby coming through your posts which rings alarm bells.

Did he ever say "yes I definitely want another DC?" Or was it a 'never said no before' situation?

As with pp, you can't bring a child into a relationship expecting them to fix things. It sounds like you're still hurting/angry (quite rightly) about the infidelity.
How old are DC? Is it really worth staying together for the kids, or is it causing more problems?

I'd say LtB from your posts.

Thing is, if you used no contraception even after his affair and it's now several years on, and only now after 7 years of no contraception and a few after staying together after his affair he's changed his mind about DC3 with you (and his DC5) that doesn't seem unreasonable.

So you are in an arse with him for not wanting a seventh child? Really?

He's changed his mind, maybe he's decided a fifth DC is not for him.

Sorry read that as you both had children separately

If dsc are 'a bit older' does he maybe feel too old to go back to having babies?

You can put your alarm bells away im not some nutcase who would jump into bed with the next bloke and start poking holes in condoms to get another child. When we discussed testing we said if there's a problem then that's just the hand that we'd been dealt and I'd be grateful for the DC I already have (not that I'm not grateful for them anyway)
YES he did say he wanted another child - again im not some idiot who would railroad a man into having another child.
It's been on the cards for a long time and now he's saying he doesn't want another one and practically said he never really did. So we've pretty much been reading from different hymn sheets for years if that's the case isn't it and I feel it's something he might have done so I'd take him back and forgive his infidelity. If I'm not meant to have another child then that's just the way it is but it's the deception I have an issue with. Why would he have actively discussed it and had unprotected sex if he didn't really want another child

I'm so sorry you're going through this turmoil, I completely get the gist of what you're saying. To the outsider looking in, there are clearly things that need resolving whatever the outcome. Would you both entertain the idea of couple's counselling so you'd have someone trained (if you find a good one) to pick through and untangle all the issues in a logical way so you both can see the wood through the trees. I hope it works out for you 💐

He isn't BU to not want more children.

BUT, you're NBU to have to accept that, of course if you want more children, you can, just maybe not with him.

It sounds like another child is what was holding your marriage together, which is never a good thing for anyone (infidelity or not) children don't fix relationships.

So no, YADNBU to end your marriage for this.

To get you back?....Sounds like something that was discussed post infidelity, which is awful timing....you wanted another DC, he told you he would eventually....you stayed together but he never meant it?

He probably thinks it's madness to try for a baby to rescue a failing marriage.
He is not being unreasonable to say he doesn't want more children

OP you have been put into the position of suddenly having to grieve for the long wanted baby. It's something you'd probably have done when you reached menopause if you hadn't got pregnant.
Don't take any hasty action -- bide your time and think about the pros and cons of remaining with this man. He has acted unfairly but you obviously thought up until this point that you and your DC had a future with him.
How will you be placed financially if you separate? Will you have to move and disrupt your DCs education etc?
Think things over carefully. It would be foolish to end your marriage (even if justified) solely over a baby which you may not be able to conceive, anyway.
Good luck

What I am getting from this is that he agreed to another child in order to get you to take him back after his cheating, and has now reneged on that thinking that you will now stay regardless?

I wouldnt want to be married to someone who would manipulate me for his own ends. If he wanted a happy marriage then he wouldnt have cheated. If he had been so concerned about his children then he wouldnt have cheated. If he cared so much about you staying together then he wouldnt have cheated.

This is all coming from the fact that he cheated. WYBU to leave because he cheated and has not kept the promises he made that were the basis for you trying again?? No, you would not be unreasonable at all.

It's the way he's done it that's my problem. And that he expects me to just accept it because he's holding the cards where another baby is concerned

Sounds as though he was perhaps indifferent to whether you had another child or not (hence the not really trying, but not using contraception either) He's now come down more on the side of not wanting more. Doesn't necessarily mean he always felt that way. If he'd always been adamant he didn't want another child, he'd have been wanting to use contraception

People do change their mind about wanting more children, also, there wouldn now be a big age gap which might affect his decision. He may have started thinking he wouldn't mind another, but several years down the line he can see the reality of going back to the baby years.

You seem obsessed with the idea that he's been deceiving you for years, when the truth could be that his thinking has shifted

Ultimately you can't blame him for not wanting to father A fifth child...

I'm not suggesting you should stay in the marriage if you feel it's over, but I think you need to separate out the issues.

Yes op sounds like he went along with it to keep you after the cheating

And you are quite right about the deception to , having unprotected Sex with you knowing he didn't actually want a baby is beyond irresponsible

But he's told you now so you can only go from there really . I wasn't suggesting you'd be trying to get pregnant ASAP by the first man you clapped eyes on by the way just that if it is something you really want then clearly staying with current p isn't going to work

He's pretty much said it was always one sided and he was just hoping it wouldn't happen

Oh and I cant help wondering if this sea change has been brought on by something else. You say the cheating was a couple of years ago, is there any chance he could be doing it again?

How/why did his first marriage end?

There's no compromise in a conflict like this....you do, he doesn't.

Probably going to sound really cliche but his first wife is absolutely bat shit and I believe his reasons for leaving. She's proven everything he's told me to be correct by her behaviour regarding their DC

He's pretty much said it was always one sided and he was just hoping it wouldn't happen

So a liar, a cheat, a manipulator and a fucking coward?

Get rid.

• You already have multiple children (DC)
• He already has multiple children from previous relationship (DC)
• He has been unfaithful for 7 years

There's no NEED to have another child, and I would argue strongly, based exclusively on the last point, that it would be incredibly unwise. Another child is not going to stop him from flinging around with other women.

Also, whether you think his reasons for not wanting another child are valid or not is irrelevant. If someone doesn't want to have a child, they are under no obligation to have one. Similarly, you are under no obligation to remain in the marriage.