People visiting my preemie

[ImYourMama]

Please help!

Our daughter was born at 28+6 and is finally coming towards the end of her nicu journey, she may be home in the next fortnight, which is absolutely amazing!

DH's work have allowed him to save his official paternity leave for when she's home and he's been juggling hours to be with us as much as possible. Whilst she's been in hospital we've allowed our parents to come and see her a couple of times and each time, we asked them not to touch her due to infection control, this is also a rule on the ward. They didn't respect this and tried to touch her etc.

Now she's getting to the point of coming home, we're inundated with messages along the lines of 'can't wait for a cuddle' etc, and people are already asking to come and visit, but this is our first baby, I'm having a nightmare BFing and expressing and I'm still not 100% from a very, very dangerous pregnancy. What do we do?!

We don't mind visitors coming to see her, but she's so fragile, and still very prone to infection, and I feel like the second we step through the door, we'll be beating off visitors with a stick. We only get 2 weeks of being together as a family without monitors, nurses and other parents and I can't bear the thought of having to constantly pass my precious girl to all and sundry for the expected 'cuddles'

Am I being a miserable cow? How do we tell visitors they're welcome to come over but they're not guaranteed a cuddle?

Agree with light. When I had DD (full term, all healthy) my aunt and cousin came down to visit, not staying with us but we met them at mutual relatives house. Cousin was getting a cold so I didn't want her to hold the baby. My aunt and nan kept saying I should let her and giving me reproachfully looks and my nan took my baby over by cousin and kept on at me. I relented even though I didn't want to, even after making cousin use hand sanitizer. Yep, 4 week old baby with stinking cold, struggling to feed. It still makes me angry when I think about it. Totally selfish. I've even brought it up with my nan and I got the usual "well I thought it would be ok".

Don't ignore your instincts and don't let anyone ride roughshod over you. Stick to your guns, especially with your situation. Others won't get it, they are only interested in their own selfish agendas.

Don't be afraid to be 'rude' - your only priority right now is your baby and anyone who doesn't respect that can fuck right off.

I'd recommend no visitors at all for the first 2 weeks, so you three can bond and find your feet as a family. Your DH needs to be the one to communicate this to his family so it's clear you're a team and they can't blame it on you being 'precious'.

If people call, don't answer. If the doorbell rings, don't answer. If people get annoyed, so what?

YANBU. When my DD came home after 4 months in NICU (25 weeker with crap lungs, came home on oxygen), both DH and I were in agreement - we wouldn't take any risks that might make readmission any more likely. The thought of going back was just horrifying.

We were totally obsessive a bit rigid about visitors not having colds, and having extremely clean hands (soap & hot water followed by alcohol gel) before they came anywhere near DD. I was too tired and scared to be embarrassed about it and absolutely don't regret it as DD made it through the winter without any problems.

Don't feel bad about laying it out to your families - tell them that the immune system largely develops in the third trimester, which your baby missed. Be clear that this means that even a minor cold could be really dangerous. Absolutely get the NICU nurses to back you up/advise you.

Your DD is vulnerable, and you and your DH have just been through something really bloody hard. It's reasonable to expect your families to respect this and a) give you the space you need to start bonding as a family and b) take your lead on how best to keep your DD well over the winter. It would be breathtakingly selfish of them to put their "wanting a cuddle" above her health.

Be strong for her, and good luck.

My friend had a premature baby, 32 weeks I think so not even as small as yours.
When she came home they made everyone use a hand sanitiser, visits were short and no one except grandparents were allowed to hold her.
Everyone respected that. One little nephew came and when he needed to sneeze he left the room in case his sneeze germs went on the baby, so sweet of him.
Who cares if people think you're being precious. Your baby is precious.
Congratulations BTW.

I second what everyone else is saying. If it were me, and if I was in your shoes, even after the two weeks, I would be checking with visitors if they've recently been ill or are unwell. Totally unrelated, but there has been a lot of threads recently where ppl have had sick bugs etc. People still going about with it and seemingly some not too bothered regarding it being passed on to others, as needs must and all that....

Absolutely, without a doubt, I would also be asking visitors to wash hands. They would be asked to in a hospital ward they were visiting, so they should do it in your home too.

Congratulations OP

I would definitely have at least one week no visitors at all. Probably include your parents in that since they have seen the LO already. Just you three at home finally for a whole week no exceptions. Note on the door and don't answer any rings on the bell. Just ignore. Shopping delivered and enjoy.
There is no other way apart from being strict with all visitors and holding LO yourself whilst they are around. They will get the message. If they understand or not is not something to worry about.

Congrats on the getting to the end stages of NICU where you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My DD was born at 25 weeks came home at 35 weeks. It was July but we still had to work really hard keeping her temperature stable and expressing milk and feeding her. We were exhausted and had no time or interest in visitors tbh! We were obsessive with no germ transition as much as possible to be - so no cuddles, no touching of her, everyone had to wash there hands when entering our house and my poor DS had to get entirely changed after school in the car to minimise Year1 germs free riding home with him. Be firm and set clear boundaries from the out set. We let our parents hold her, and that was it until October! Also if no-one else has mentioned it ask for the RSV vaccination for this winter. It protects vulnerable babies (and others too) from acute respiratory conditions. Have a lovely time with her when she comes home! Well done to you all!

I would do as PPs have suggested and say that her immune system is compromised and she's coming out of hospital at a precarious time of year, so you've been advised to be very strict about her exposure to other people, including:

• no cuddles with anyone else for 2 weeks
• no visitors who have colds/viruses/infections and strict hygiene (hand washing, no smokers etc) for all visitors
• limit exposure to others (especially other children) for limited period, e.g. No more than an hour at a time, so she (& you!) is not tired out

In all honesty the NICU will probably suggest some of this too, so you gave back up. Is there a discharge team you could get to have a word with them? Is there anything in bliss literature that you could show them to back you up?

Finally congratulations on nearing the end of your NICU stay! It's a long old road sometimes, often extremely stressful - getting her home will be wonderful

Like PP, I would say no visitors at all for the first two weeks at least. If they can't respect your wishes when she's in NICU (and they've proven they can't), then they can't visit.

You will be too tired and stressed to police visitors, and people WILL come with germs or filthy hands and want to touch the baby. As PP have said, it is amazing what people think they have a right to do.

So much simpler to say no (and lock the door).

Have your 2 weeks to yourselves and enjoy your baby . However - please remember people want to see your baby because they are excited and love you - not because they are trying to irritate you ❤️

Sorry not read all the thread.
You are not ridiculous at all,you're a preemie mom.

Get OH to tell his family that it's no cuddles and stick to it. If baby is in your arms, they're presumably not going to take her off you.

Hand gel available if anyone wants to touch her, no kisses and a text before they arrive to confirm no one has so much as a sniffle is all perfectly understandable. As is saying no visitors for the first week whilst you adjust to life at home.

Congratulations to you all x

Congratulations on your little warrior. We had our little preemie at the end of July. We had the same issues with parents in neonatal so we asked the staff not to let anyone but myself and my partner in to the baby. When we got her home we limited visitors to one small group for one hour a day and no visitors for the first four days. My little one is also ebf so if she woke up whilst we had visitors she would have fed and gone straight back to sleep. Our firm rule was if she's asleep or just had a feed she won't be getting cuddles/snuggles/touchedby your tainted hands of origins prior to my home are unknown After the initial that's not fair or huffing and puffing people accepted they could look and smile and coo over baby all they wanted but they weren't to touch her under any circumstance. She was home about 2 & 1/2 weeks before I let any one hold her. Even then it was limited to five minutes at a time.

I hope this helps and o wish you all the happiness in the world with your precious little baby x

When my son was coming home from SCBU the nurses advised us not to tell anyone when he was coming home , we didn't only told our parents siblings. It worked some family members got annoyed but it was tough, I hadn't had my baby with me fir 3 weeks - your longer! . People don't understand what it's like having your baby taken away from you 5 mins after birth then leaving hospital without them, the stress of travelling pumping milk, I had a 4 year old too at home she suffered. I was very strict you have to be! If people don't understand it's tough. Don't under estimate the effect it has on you I suffered PND 3 months after his birth

My friend who had a preemie baby in NICU for months, when they eventually got home he sent a text message and put up a Facebook message to everyone saying basically "she's coming home, we know you will be desperate to come and meet her, but please give us a week or two to settle in at home first as we've been through quite an ordeal and we need some time together."

Nobody would argue with that.

If anyone does, then explain about infection control etc.

YANBU AT ALL! I had a premie and felt just the same. We barred visitors for the first 2 weeks which actually extended into 3 as we were so sleep deprived. The doctors even told me not to take her to crowded places e.g. Shopping centers etc as her immune system wasn't up to to.. so you can totally quote the medics if people want to be funny with you.

Enjoy your baby and fxxx what everyone else thinks!!!

I had my ds at 26 wks and went through a similar situation and I did the following:

• immediate family only at NICU & SCBU

• timed visits at the same time as health care professionals so visits were kept deliberately short & visitors were forced to behave!

• I wore ds in a sling once he was big enough to fit in one. This helped to manage very tactile visitors. once
  people saw how tiny he was, they were nervpus to hold him anyway.

I would be wary of Whooping Cough which is commonly spread by parents, grandparents and other adults who when they have it do not show symptoms.

I cant believe that your family tried to touch your baby when she was still in NICU and you had expressly told them not to. They sound positively dangerous.

Do whatever you have to do. Don't worry about pissing people off. You have had some great advice on this thread.

Congratulations!

You have good reason for limiting the number of people holding the baby and for how long. My honest view is that a very short hold with a small number of people who have washed their hands and is sitting on your sofa will do the baby no harm at all, and you may find it more manageable than saying no to them picking up the baby full stop, but it is entirely your decision.

Sometimes - again being honest - the overall 'feeling' promoted on MN towards visitors is quite negative: see language like 'all and sundry' and 'pass the parcel' and even 'dirty hands' and similar. A little OTT sometimes. I would only suggest that you try to remember that these people are family and, in the best way they know how, are trying to show love for the new baby. Do stand your ground if that is what you want to do but there is an argument for being nice to them as you do it, because they undoubtedly mean well.

Make sure nobody tries to kiss your baby. Anyone complains, remind them that babies have been admitted to hospital and even died after contacting herpes simplex from a single kiss. You can Google this if needed.

If you do let anyone cuddle your baby make sure they have not been in contact with anyone with an infection or cold, and that they WASH THEIR HANDS.

This is your baby and both sets of parents should respect that. If they don't show them the door. Both of you are the only protection your baby has at this point. Congratulations to you both.

My daughter was our 4th time lucky rainbow baby, who was then taken straight to SCBU at birth.My husband had 2 weeks off work. We allowed immediate family to the hospital for the five days we were in but only for short times and there was a couple of times we said no as we were having a breastfeeding battle ( which we eventually lost). When we got home we just had the rest of the fortnight as just us 3. Saw noone but the midwives / health visitor. Was just what we needed. Yanbu at all. Your baby, your family your rules

I found that people were afraid to hold tiny baby - DD was just 4lb and 34 weeks when she came home having arrived at 30 plus 5. We hadn't had any serious problems other than a bit of jaundice though. Even my health visitor was wary!

Having said that once she was in a crib in hospital she had quite a few visitors and they had had to basically scrub in so we let them hold her and so on as it was such a controlled environment. Once we got home we were further from relatives (who lived by the hospital) so didn't get many visitors really

Get a note from your doctor! Then say, "Her immune system is still too fragile for any sort of up-close or contact visit. Look, doctor's orders! (shows the note) Even her father and I have to take special precautions, but we look forward to letting everyone have cuddles when she's robust enough."

My ds was born 6 weeks prem and no nicu needed but I was very scared of germs!! Constantly squirting people with antibac! You are definitely not being unreasonable besides you need the time to bond

Yanbu tell people no visitors for 2 weeks. Tell your family the doctors have said no visitors then don't answer the door,

Congratulations