People visiting my preemie

[ImYourMama]

Please help!

Our daughter was born at 28+6 and is finally coming towards the end of her nicu journey, she may be home in the next fortnight, which is absolutely amazing!

DH's work have allowed him to save his official paternity leave for when she's home and he's been juggling hours to be with us as much as possible. Whilst she's been in hospital we've allowed our parents to come and see her a couple of times and each time, we asked them not to touch her due to infection control, this is also a rule on the ward. They didn't respect this and tried to touch her etc.

Now she's getting to the point of coming home, we're inundated with messages along the lines of 'can't wait for a cuddle' etc, and people are already asking to come and visit, but this is our first baby, I'm having a nightmare BFing and expressing and I'm still not 100% from a very, very dangerous pregnancy. What do we do?!

We don't mind visitors coming to see her, but she's so fragile, and still very prone to infection, and I feel like the second we step through the door, we'll be beating off visitors with a stick. We only get 2 weeks of being together as a family without monitors, nurses and other parents and I can't bear the thought of having to constantly pass my precious girl to all and sundry for the expected 'cuddles'

Am I being a miserable cow? How do we tell visitors they're welcome to come over but they're not guaranteed a cuddle?

Tell them it is RSV season and you need to take precautions. Your feelings are entirely justified, I had a preemie come home in the autumn after three and a half months in NICU.

I used RSV as an excuse all winter! A fairly valid one but I used it to my advantage.

One of the NICU nurses gave me a fab piece of advice which I still use to this day. Everyone offers unsolicited advice to new mums "thank you, I'll think about that" for a fraction of a nano second is a good response.

We kept everyone away for a week, best week ever!

I'd go for a wrap sling, I wouldn't get a nursing cover, I would opt for the "oh we need to pop upstairs to feed" the very second anyone irritates you.

People are fucking unreasonable when it comes to newborns, they are less keen as the children get older. Do what ever you want, don't apologise or feel bad...it's a very precious time and no one should ruin it.

Yes blame the doctors and have two weeks alone time if that's what you want. Then find your inner 'momma bear' and tell your family who's is making the decisions on what's best for your baby.
Congratulations.

I found that when it came to it people were quite reticent about handling our premmie. In the flesh she was really tiny and seemed much more fragile than a "normal" newborn. I was happy for people to hold and feed her (I was expressing) but sometimes they needed encouragement! So it might not be a problem when it comes to it.

Scrub my post lie like India said...two weeks of peace!

Not read the thread but it's fine to tell people to stay away for a bit. I've had a 32 weeker and the first few weeks after we brought him home we asked for no visitors. Frankly I didn't care what others said!
It was also recommended by the NNU team to not take DS out in public places/around other people as they are so prone to infection.

Tell everyone in advance. Say it's nice if people want to visit, but your DD is still fragile and doctor's orders are that she isn't picked up, kissed etc until she's stronger as she is very prone to catching infections at this stage.

Your baby - your way. If your DH's sister "insists on a snuggle", say "I'd love it if you could, SIL (!) but I know how bad you'd feel if you gave DD something and landed her back in hospital. When she's stronger, that would be lovely!"

Give people a time bracket in which they can visit.

Take your DD out of the room so she can't be pawed over if it seems likely that she will be.

Remind everyone that she had a scary start to her life and so did you, in effect you are still getting over that so if they could be patient that would be fab.

Finally congratulations!

YANBU. It is absolutely up to you. Seeing the baby in the first two weeks, for them, is not for the baby's benefit. All it wants is to be with it's mum. It is purely for their benefit. The risk of infection + the two weeks paternity + the stress you've already been through trumps their selfish needs. It's your baby. Get your husband to be the barrier and put them off for two weeks.

Remember, just because they turn up to the house, doesn't mean you have to let them cross the threshold.

I'd talk to the nurses and tell them what you've said here.

I'm sure they'll give you some excellent advice.

You can then use the "the dr/nurse said we have to...../We're not to..."

Get your DH to be the "bad guy" and lay down the rules, you've just given birth, and that's as good an excuse as any.

My 2nd was born at 36 weeks, and was fine to come home at 4 days. But we were inundated with visitors, and at 11 days old, she went down with RSV and was rushed into paed icu to be ventilated and tube fed. It was horrifying seeing her struggle to breathe, and she was in hospital for nearly 10 days recovering. You literally cannot be too careful about exposing them to germs, they've been in a sterile hospital environment, and people will visit you with a cough/cold/upset stomach and unwashed hands because they want to see the baby. When we came home the 2nd time, I put a sign on our front door that we had a newborn with a compromised immune system and a very anxious mum. Worked a treat. A family text in this day and age should work as well or a FB status saying that baby has been a sterile environment for weeks and you're nervous about it. Enjoy your baby when they're home.

YANBU. Have your 2 weeks at home alone then limit visitors to set hours and don't automatically hand the baby to them. Who cares if they think you are PFB. You are allowed to be and it's tough if they don't like it.

After feeling overwhelmed with the visitors and feeling very ill and out of control after DC1, I made firm rules about visiting times with DC2 and told people times they could visit, when it was convenient for us. I felt much more in control and much better about it.

Oh and anyone with a cold sore should keep well away! They are very very dangerous to babies, even full term ones.

My friend had a very premature baby and we were kept away for months because my children always seem to have colds. Your baby's life is more important than a cuddle. My friend had a friend who's baby caught a cold when she was taken home for Christmas / cuddles no doubt and sadly passed away. Nothing is more important than your baby's health. Hand sanitiser up to the max and if you say no then they need to respect it. Your little one can't speak for herself. You need to speak up for her. They could genuinely kill her if they don't respect infection control.

Congratulations op!

DTs were 31 weekers, in hospital for 8 weeks. When they came home we said no one at all for 48 hours, we needed to get used to finally having them home. Immediate grandparents were allowed I the NICU, no one else. Then my sister and sil came to visit and no one else until we were ready - and then they had to alcohol gel before they touched them just as in hospital.

It was coming into winter, bronchilitis and rotavirus are a big risk that I wasn't prepared to take. Stand your ground.

When we went out I made sure I kept the rain covers on the prowl (less clothes obviously) to keep the ever inquisitive strangers from touching and breathing on them.

Our twins were born at 29+6 and came home after 8 and 11 weeks at about this time of year 3 years ago. The doctors told us to limit their exposure to other people and especially to crowded places with air conditioning (due to circulating bugs). We limited cuddles and when we let people we asked that they washed their hands before, and didn't let anyone in with bugs (or someone in their house with bugs).

RSV and other respiratory bugs are bad from preemies generally, due to their size and also the fragility of their lungs, so you are quite right to restrict cuddles and even visitors too.

Your baby has had a less than easy start into this world, and hasn't got through NICU to be sent back by a relative who is too excited to think it through. Preemies are significantly more fragile in their first winter than term babies, so do exactly what you feel is right for your baby, not what your relatives want.

Xx

I would also add to PP in that visitors without a whooping cough vaccination have no contact at all. If they are not prepared to suffer a little jab, then they don't care enough about your baby to warrant another thought from you.

Congratulations!!

Congratulations OP, how lovely she is coming home soon, graduation day from nicu is an emotional day. My ds (26 weeker) came home in December on oxygen, slap bang in the middle of rsv season and I remember being so wary of visitors. I ended up sending a message to everyone who had mentioned visiting, I did worry I was coming across a bit pfb but it was important they understood the risks. I mentioned that we had been advised by the hospital to avoid public places, people with colds etc because of the infection risk. I also asked that people called ahead before visiting as we had frequent visits from the nurses and I didn't want people to be disappointed if they couldn't see DS.

If you are upfront and say you can't wait to show DD off but you have to balance it with what is best for her on the advice given from the hospital, people should understand.

Enjoy those precious first few days at home xx

Don't assume people aren't selfish enough to risk your baby's health by coming when they know they are getting/ suffering colds etc. A lovely friend brought her children in to see my newborn with full-on filthy colds, because they were "so excited to see the baby". Sure enough, her first weeks wee blighted by her catching it and struggling to breath and feed, and she was a healthy, term baby. I couldn't believe a parent would be so thoughtless as to do that.

Another vote for no visitors for the first fortnight and then visitors by arrangement at set times only. Being "nice" is not more important than protecting your baby and your first precious days as a family. Let your husband communicate the rules to his family, you can deal with yours, - dodge it and leave it to your OH if you can't face it, you get a free pass post partum to be chicken after the time you've had.

Congratulations on your little bundle.

I'd say "we will let you know once we've settled in at home and can arrange some days and times that work for both of us. The doctors have advised Kangaroo Care with her as she's so so fragile so cuddles are off the table at the moment but of course we understand you still want to come and meet her"

I just wanted to add some advice to all the good posts people have already made.

Go with your gut instinct and stand firm.

Your little one is still building her strength. The last thing she needs is exposure to winter germs and bugs.

I wish I had gone with my motherly instincts a lot more with my DS but sometimes was too worried what people thought about me, I wanted to come across as laid back. I regret it for some instances and now I'm pregnant with my second I have vowed to always put my children first- whatever people think of me

Ridiculously over bearing and pushy of your inlaws.

I would ban all visits for the entire two weeks your partner is off. You need to get back to some sort of.normality with your baby and some quiet time.together building a safe space for her is paramount.

Well done for making it this far op, you're in the home stretch

First of all Congrats!

DC1 was a premmie and in the NICU for a while too and I have to admit that I was a precious snowflake when she came home. I used one excuse. "The doctors have said that we are to have no visitors until she has had her checkup in x weeks. I'm so sorry but seeing all she has been through the doctors think it's for the best."

That way you have no fault, you are not being precious in the eyes of others and anyone who says anything is BU.

Take as much time as you need and be as precious as you need and want to be.

Agree with everyone else. Stretchy fabric wrap to keep her close and help with bonding / feeding. No cuddles with extended family until clear signs of weight gain and definitely no cuddles with anyone who has had a recent cough, cold or sore throat.

It's a huge step from preemie in NICU - with monitors, nurses, help immediately available - to suddenly being at home on your own with sole responsibility for this little amazing scrap of preciousness. You will need some time on your own with your DH to get to grips with it all mentally, psychologically and practically. I would limit visitors to set times of day, half hour max (and then you will both need a rest), they can come and meet her but keep her wrapped against you. And preferably not until the second week.

(ps I am actually a doctor so with a bit of artistic licence you could say doctors advice to limit visitors and no cuddles until 35+ weeks corrected gestational age!)