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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS sent across the world to PIL

106 replies

StrawberryShortcake32 · 01/11/2016 05:26

Hello all
First time poster on here but have been a lurker for a while. I'm just needing some advice.
DS is less than a month old. MIL lives in South Africa. My DH is talking about sending DS there to spend time with his grandmother in school holidays, for the whole of the school holidays, every year. This will be years from now, he will be 12 onwards. I just have major issues with this and have voiced them to DH only for it to be met on deaf ears. My beef with this is that I just don't want to part with my son for a whole month of the year, every year. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help it. My other concerns are...what if he doesn't want to go? At 12 he's going to have friends he wants to spend time with, clubs or sports he's doing. Also...putting a 12 year old on a plane for an 11 hour flight alone? Really?? If that had been me I'd have been so frightened! I have suggested we make it a family holiday with all 3 of us but we aren't always going to be able to afford that. MIL put pressure on us to have grandchildren since we were married and I'm not sure how much of this is her influence, I had a baby because I wanted one, not for her sake! I want him to have the experiences going over there and spending time with DHs side of the family but a whole month at a time is just too much and doesn't then give us ability to use summer holidays for other places we might want to go on holiday.
Appreciate it's years from now and I can't imagine that DH will have the same views when it comes to it as he will realise the circumstances are different to what he's imagining. But I'd like some views of other non biased and non hormonal people just to make sure I'm not just being an over protective mumma bear.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ericaequites · 02/11/2016 00:45

By the time your son is 12, a stroppy adolescent, you may be thankful to send him off for four weeks. Worry about this later.

Italiangreyhound · 02/11/2016 01:19

HummusForBreakfast there are an awful lot of people who have a very strong cultural awareness who, I am sure, for all kinds of reasons (like being refugees) do not spend 6 weeks a year back in 'their' home country but still have a great awareness of their culture.

A big part of how enjoyable it would probably be, if it happened, would be how much contact the child had with other children their own age while away, if there are cousins etc or siblings who go too, this may make it a more fun experience.

I do not take it as a given choosing to have a baby with a man of another culture means that you will expect to send that child away without you for the summer holidays, nor do I accept that this is always a good thing or something children would welcome. We can only speak for our own selves and our own children in knowing what we will feel would be right.

The point about where the OP met her dh is that they did not meet overseas and then come here and feel the pull to go back etc but he had chosen to live here before they had a family to me that means he has chosen to make his life here. To expect his child to miss the one time when British weather is actually quite nice, and to miss school mates etc, to go overseas ever summer is unreasonable, and in my opinion the OP is not unreasonable to resist this. To claim this is necessary to raise the child bi-culturally is not , to me, correct.

I really don't think there is much point arguing about this, between ourselves Hummus (you seem to want to educate me, which is fine... but...) my dh and I are both English and there are no distant relatives to take our kids for the whole summer so there is no point your convincing of the wisdom of children leaving for the whole summer. Our dd has autistic tendencies and our son is adopted, my children would be distraught to be doing this and there are not relies to do it with anyway! Smile

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 02/11/2016 07:17

Just say, 'it's way too early for me to even contemplate this. I'm not guaranteeing he'll go for so long or often but of course I want him to have a lovely relationship with MIL.'

DH is probably playing fantasy futures like you might think of DS being a doctor or famous musician!

Mix56 · 02/11/2016 07:26

What if it was the mother who was SA, saying she wanted her child to go home to her parents later for holidays ?
Many people would say she was within her rights.

Is it because this is MN that the father has no right to any aspirations?

In this instance I have already said it is too early to decide & no one knows if it will be appropriate for the child, ever.
OP is clearly horrified at the thought as she is a new mum with a tiny baby, of course she is possessive & protective.
The OH has been insensitive to bring it up in the way he has, at this time.
But his family, his culture & heritage is as important as hers.
It is unfortunate that they didn't talk about this before having a child.

(nb. I have had to fight to keep my identity & teach my children my values, language, culture. My H is not supportive. so this is my stance.)

StrawberryShortcake32 · 02/11/2016 08:12

I really want my son to know his South African family and heritage. We've been over there for holidays and had our honeymoon there. They are amazing people who ive grown close to who I know would care for him and keep him safe. This is not the issue. I have issue with the length of the visits and the fact he would be going alone.

I'm realising that whatever we decide or compromise on between us is really going to mean nothing right now as circumstances will most definitely have changed over 12 years.

I have decided to stop worrying about it, enjoy my newborn bundle of gorgeousness and cross bridges when I come to them.

I really appreciate everybody's advice on MN. Thank you ladies for your support.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 02/11/2016 08:23

Strawberry that is great news.

Mix I can't speak for other posters but for me it has nothing to do with whether the parent from South Africa is the mum or the dad.

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