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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS sent across the world to PIL

106 replies

StrawberryShortcake32 · 01/11/2016 05:26

Hello all
First time poster on here but have been a lurker for a while. I'm just needing some advice.
DS is less than a month old. MIL lives in South Africa. My DH is talking about sending DS there to spend time with his grandmother in school holidays, for the whole of the school holidays, every year. This will be years from now, he will be 12 onwards. I just have major issues with this and have voiced them to DH only for it to be met on deaf ears. My beef with this is that I just don't want to part with my son for a whole month of the year, every year. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help it. My other concerns are...what if he doesn't want to go? At 12 he's going to have friends he wants to spend time with, clubs or sports he's doing. Also...putting a 12 year old on a plane for an 11 hour flight alone? Really?? If that had been me I'd have been so frightened! I have suggested we make it a family holiday with all 3 of us but we aren't always going to be able to afford that. MIL put pressure on us to have grandchildren since we were married and I'm not sure how much of this is her influence, I had a baby because I wanted one, not for her sake! I want him to have the experiences going over there and spending time with DHs side of the family but a whole month at a time is just too much and doesn't then give us ability to use summer holidays for other places we might want to go on holiday.
Appreciate it's years from now and I can't imagine that DH will have the same views when it comes to it as he will realise the circumstances are different to what he's imagining. But I'd like some views of other non biased and non hormonal people just to make sure I'm not just being an over protective mumma bear.

AIBU?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 01/11/2016 08:33

I wouldn't worry about this. MIL could be dead in 12 years.

alltouchedout · 01/11/2016 08:33

I'd say no, I don't think that's likely to happen, dh, every time he mentioned it. Because it's not something I would ever agree to and it seems ridiculous to pretend I'd ever even consider it.

furryminkymoo · 01/11/2016 08:41

I have a friend who sends her daughter to her Mum in Italy every summer and it works brilliantly. Daughter is 8.

Wait and see? You could travel with him, have a family holiday and leave him with his gran for a bit. 12 is Kate to start as by 14 he probably won't want to go.

Racheyg · 01/11/2016 08:41

Wait until closer to the time. You might be glad as keeping kids entertained and safe in the summer can be expensive

KeyserSophie · 01/11/2016 08:41

From your DH's persepctive, he's just become a father, and maybe has just realised that his own family is a long way away and cant meet their grandson immediately, so the plan is probably a way to reconcile that in his own mind. Also, it is hard when your own kids have a really different expereince of childhood to you as a result of geographic relocation, so perhaps he wants your DS to experience that

I had DS in HK and I do sometimes find it hard that how I imagined my life as a parent to be and how I imagined my parents relationship with them is very different to how it is.

KeyserSophie · 01/11/2016 08:44

For those who wouldnt consider it, do you mind me asking why not?

OrlandaFuriosa · 01/11/2016 08:49

A good sentence to use would be

Let's cross that bridge when we come to it, but in the meantime how do we build that relationship? Skype regularly with DC there for 5 mins, increasing?

shovetheholly · 01/11/2016 08:49

I think the issue here isn't really the practicality of whether you send your child overseas in 12 years. It's the fact that your DH has peremptorily taken a huge decision about it without consulting you, and is now not listening to your objections. This, in classic Mumsnet fashion, is not a childcare problem, it's a DH problem. And yes, I think YANBU.

scaryteacher · 01/11/2016 08:49

Keyser I'd want to see how safe SA was before I considered it.

FerretFred · 01/11/2016 08:54

I'm looking at my stroppy 11 year old. I think today I would happily tie a label on her, Paddington Bear style, and pack her off across the world!

Rockpebblestone · 01/11/2016 08:55

It sounds like your DH is just digging his heals in. I know people who will do this just to defend their own ideas when flaws are pointed out to them. It is like they take offence when an idea they thought was good is dismissed. What I find works, in this type of situation, is not overstating my case. You have said your piece, the decision cannot be made now anyway. Once the dust has settled they might 'forget' their insistence that the idea was ever a good one in the first place.

And actually I'm not sure a 12 year old would be able to travel without a chaperone...

Mix56 · 01/11/2016 09:00

The DH has not chosen the best time to throw this into the mix.
With a scrummy new born & someone evoking a plan like this is inevitably going to be high on emotion.
This should not be being discussed now !
Maybe you should tell him how protective you are feeling & he should empathise more.

However IME SAs often have a fantastic "family" bond. I have 3 SA cousins, & have seen this. (He will also have a SA passport.)
Take a look at the average 12 year old at the school gate...You can imagine what a great adventure could be had. It is also about the opportunities for the children. it's not all about the parents missing them.

Solasum · 01/11/2016 09:05

School holidays are long. I have a fairly generous holiday allowance, but not enough to cover all school holidays. Therefore once my son is junior school age he will be spending at least a few weeks each summer with his paternal grandparents overseas. It will be great for his language. Yes, I will miss him, but they are his family too. A child can never have too many people to love them, and a few weeks a year would really help build a strong relationship.

Congratulations on your new baby OP.

Kr1stina · 01/11/2016 09:17

For those who wouldnt consider it, do you mind me asking why not?

Because my children would hate being sent to the other side of the world for 6 weeks on their own. They all go away on their own for up to a week, but only within the UK where they know that we could come and bring them home if they were unhappy.

I have no problem with anyone else doing this with their own child, if they are happy. Every family is different.

BowieFan · 01/11/2016 09:23

We send our kids (adopted) to their grandparents in Bulgaria every summer for 4 weeks. They love it - they love the country, get to spend time with their grandparents and have loads of friends over there. Most kids would be biting your hand off to go abroad for that many weeks a year!

Honestly, it's the chance of a lifetime really. South Africa is a beautiful country and all you'll have to do is pay for flights.

Bumpsadaisie · 01/11/2016 09:31

Hm.

What strikes me is that is very odd that you are thinking about this kind of thing now.

When the time comes it may or may not be the right thing for your DS - but you can't imagine now what it will be like to have a 12 year old and what he will be like when he is 12. Blimey, you cant even imagine what he will be like at 2!

So I would put a placemarker down with your DH that this proposal is something that you would have to consider very carefully much nearer the time and then leave it.

Perhaps in a roundabout way your DH by bringing this up is really trying to express his sadness that his family are far away at this special point in your lives? If that is what he is REALLY trying to say, then if you take him literally and argue about it with him, he is going to be upset.

Obviously it would be easier if people were able to really give expression to real feelings, but of course that is tricky!

HummusForBreakfast · 01/11/2016 09:32

I liv d overseas so my grandparents were that far away.
I would have LOVED going to see them for a month every year. I also found doing such a long journey normal for me. That's what it took to go see family so that's what we were doing. I assume your DC will be in a similar position -they will have done the trip numerous time before going there on their own.

So really none of that would be an issue as such.

The issue for me is more about the fact your DH seems to want to organise things his way with little regard for your pov. Yes going to see his side of the family is important and it is normal to make an effort so your dc can connect with these roots.
At the same time, insisting NOW that he will spend a month there every years sounds over the top. Is it what your DH did as child by any chance?

greenfolder · 01/11/2016 09:34

in the nicest possible way, PIL may not be willing or able to look after in 12 years.

HummusForBreakfast · 01/11/2016 09:34

Btw of course a 12yo can travel on their own. That's why your have 'unaccompanied children' system. Very normal on long distance trips.

CotswoldStrife · 01/11/2016 09:35

I do think your DH is being a prat to raise this now, but as PP have said he is probably reflecting on his own childhood and how differently your DS will experience life - and the lack of relationship with his (your DH's) parents due to the distance.

I would say no, but we can reconsider it when he is 12 and not before If the matter is continually raised, use the broken record technique 'no'. Don't give them any excuses to work on.

I would have hated this, either as a child or as a mother. There is no way personally I would do this. However I do have relatives that lived overseas for a long time and their children used to come over for an extended break during the summer. They did know their grandparents though, used to live nearby and the grandparents visited their overseas location. Your DH thinking he can propose sending his son away for a month at this stage of the hormonal life to people he hasn't even met yet is an idea bound for failure!

Enjoy your newborn DS!

DailyMailPenisPieces · 01/11/2016 09:40

YANBU
The summer holidays are the best bit of parenting!

Kokosjumping · 01/11/2016 09:42

Daily

I think you misspelled "worse"

MrsBernardBlack · 01/11/2016 09:46

It is utterly pointless having a discussion about this now, let alone an argument!

HummusForBreakfast · 01/11/2016 09:47

I'm wondering how many people who are saying 'I would have hated this' are people who have experienced that sort of situation as a child.

When you are used to have family close by, to not travel that far, apart from one week away on hols with your parents, yes that can feel daunting and yes it can feel like being away for 4 weeks would have been awful.

Ime, when travelling is the norm, going to see family like this is always is always an 11 hours flight away etc... you don't look at things the same way. It doesn't look far away, you know the place, even if this is not home, it doesn't feel like a foreign country either, you also know the people and trust them. The way the child will be looking at it will be vastly different form the way the OP will be looking at it (it will still feel far away, a foreign country to her etc..).
This is one of the issues with having a marriage across countries in my experience.
E.g. I insisted we went back to my home country for Christmas (every other year) because my gran was elderly and I wanted to spend the last few Christmas with her. DH was against it. It costs too much (my parents were paying!), I don't understand what's going on, I'm bored, I'm left with the children (!?!) etc... But would it have been fair for me and the dcs and my gran not to go because he was bored?
You will always have to make concessions and doing things you might not be keen on for the sake of the 'other family' who is living far away.
And yes sometimes it is difficult. Bit would it be fair to not allow this child to create strong links with what is half of his heritage? With his family?

MulberryBush12 · 01/11/2016 09:52

I don't think you are unreasonable at all-nothing to do with being over-possessive and hormonal-please don't blame it on that ( is that what he's accused you of btw?😮
IMO your husband is being utterly ridiculous and very unreasonable. FGS -it's a long time in the future-tell him "we'll see" is the only option here I would have thought

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