DS sent across the world to PIL

[StrawberryShortcake32]

Hello all
First time poster on here but have been a lurker for a while. I'm just needing some advice.
DS is less than a month old. MIL lives in South Africa. My DH is talking about sending DS there to spend time with his grandmother in school holidays, for the whole of the school holidays, every year. This will be years from now, he will be 12 onwards. I just have major issues with this and have voiced them to DH only for it to be met on deaf ears. My beef with this is that I just don't want to part with my son for a whole month of the year, every year. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help it. My other concerns are...what if he doesn't want to go? At 12 he's going to have friends he wants to spend time with, clubs or sports he's doing. Also...putting a 12 year old on a plane for an 11 hour flight alone? Really?? If that had been me I'd have been so frightened! I have suggested we make it a family holiday with all 3 of us but we aren't always going to be able to afford that. MIL put pressure on us to have grandchildren since we were married and I'm not sure how much of this is her influence, I had a baby because I wanted one, not for her sake! I want him to have the experiences going over there and spending time with DHs side of the family but a whole month at a time is just too much and doesn't then give us ability to use summer holidays for other places we might want to go on holiday.
Appreciate it's years from now and I can't imagine that DH will have the same views when it comes to it as he will realise the circumstances are different to what he's imagining. But I'd like some views of other non biased and non hormonal people just to make sure I'm not just being an over protective mumma bear.

AIBU?

[SpunkyMummy]

I used to do that as well. I went to my Italian grandmother at least once a year. As long as you know the grandmother this is a perfectly fine and normal idea (imo). A bit like a summer camp...
However:

1. Your DH should listen to you. He can't just decide for both of you.
   
2. it also depends on DS. He might hate the idea of going to SA. Or he might love it... I think it's a bit too soon to worry about this now.

[Mix56]

I have a f who's H is SA, & they have taken the odd holiday in SA with their children, & the GPs come over once a year, the family is huge & their are dozens of GC in SA & Holland.
Their son has now been over several times alone to spend 3 weeks with his GP & all his cousins. (who have an old jeep as they built it literally piece by piece) he has a ball, they swim, they tinker with cars & drive in the bush, The family have a small private "park" with various animals, it's v rudimentary with no elec or hot shower !) There is work that gets done, (painting fences etc) animals to see etc. He has an absolute blast.
The only question mark is they are very full with their religion.
The point is, it could be fantastic, but the kids & GP already were acquainted. & the boy wants to go.
You may also discover when your DC is 12 you will be delighted to have a break from him !

[Pooka]

I would have felt the same when DC1 was a month old. Now she is 13 (and I have 2 younger DC). I love the relationship they have with their grandparents. And now I'm back working full time, as is dh, the freedom to work like stink, extra hours, for 3 weeks of the summer holidays to build up TOIL for the rest of the holidays seems very attractive to me. It is difficult to juggle the long summer holiday and work. If I knew they were looked after and happy that would be the equivalent probably of a week's annual leave or more for each of me and dh which we could use to cover holidays with just us and the DC.

[PotteringAlong]

Do not worry now about a proposed plan for 2029. That's complete madness. Especially as you have no idea whether
A) you will mind by then - it might be a great idea
B) your DH will still want it
C) the grandmother will still want to / be alive

[SpotTheDuck]

For now, just focus on your newborn. If it's brought up as an idea, don't commit to it or engage in discussion - just say it's a long way off and you'll all have to think about it nearer the time. If you're pushed, you can make the point that none of you know what DS will want at that age, how well the grandmother will be, or what your family plans will be. So it's just not worth discussing until much nearer the time.

Don't let it become a bone of contention, equally don't agree to it!

[Littledrummerghoul]

I would say I'll consider it nearer the time and see what dc says. In my experience 12yr olds are argumentative pains in the arse opinionated and will make their feelings known. Send him once to see how it goes, either he'll have a wonderful holiday full of great memories or it won't happen again ever no matter how often you ask.

[Liiinoo]

Just tell DH 'let's wait and see'. We were another lot who were sent to the grandparents for the summer holidays and they genuinely were the happiest days of my life. The freedom we had in rural Ireland compared to London was indescribable, it kept us in touch with that part of our heritage and enabled us to form and maintain relationships with family members who we would otherwise have never met. And to be brutally honest, it was a huge relief to get away from my very controlling mum for a few weeks.

So don't borrow trouble. You can't accurately predict what you or DH or DS will want in 12 years time, you don't even know that his mum will still be around or living in SA or well enough to host a 12 yo. Just keep your options open.

[Inertia]

You don't have to agree to this. It is a problem now in that you have to manage the expectations of your husband and mother in law. It is entirely reasonable to visit her as a family or for her to visit you, but not to demand that you send your child halfway around the world for 6 weeks.

[FurryLittleTwerp]

When the time comes, if your DS wants to go, let him!

He could go with a schoolfriend perhaps & you could all visit either to drop him off or pick him up.

[annielouise]

I think what would annoy and upset me is how adamant your DH is. Like he's the one that gets to make the decisions and you're expected to fall into line. You're probably feeling especially vulnerable with the baby so young. He's thrown out his view and if you go against it it'll start an argument. But he's taken this stance and if you don't think it a good idea - and how would you know how you'll feel in 12 years time never mind your DS - you'll be the one to blame for the argument whereas he is to blame for being hardline in my view.

My ex was the same. I argued against it - at being told what to do without being consulted that perhaps this could happen. It was always this IS going to happen. I would just I'll see how I feel in 12 years time and we'll consult with DS if he wants this. And stick to that. If he goes on tell him he's starting an argument for no reason. You're both parents. One doesn't get to decide unilaterally what to do on something this big.

[mudandmayhem01]

My confident 12 yr DD would leap at the chance to go south Africa for a summer holiday, I would miss her but wouldn't stand in her way. When she was a baby I remember feeling sad anxious if a relative carried her into the next room. Enjoy your baby.and live in the moment.

[Agiraffeisnotacat]

I think you can't decide until a lot nearer the time. Over all I think it will probably be good for DS but can see why you can't see that now. I know a 12yo girl who has been going to see her dad in a different continent for the whole summer holidays since she was 5. She always did the 7-8hr flight as an 'unaccompanied minor' on the airline's scheme. It her done her no harm at all, she is well rounded well adjusted lovely girl.

The key is that when the potential time comes you consider it from what experiences it can provide for your DC rather than it from your point of view and maybe missing them.

[GnomeDePlume]

YABBU (you are both being unreasonable) It is a long time in the future. Why on earth are you giving this headspace?

But your comments remind me of a colleague who had very young children and was always shocked by just how much freedom my late primary school age children had. I think in her head my DCs were just a stretched version of her toddler DCs.

She got over it once her DCs started school!

[Twooter]

I would hate it - have kids 12 ish now. They would be horrified if I sent them to either set of GPs for that long, despite knowing them well and being good fun, and the GPs would also be horrified. How old is your MIL? My dps can cope with a week maximum, my ils even less, as they don't have the energy they had 10 years ago.

[Memoires]

I had a relative in the army, posted to all sorts of outlandish places. His kids were at school in UK and always travelled to wherever he was to spend the hols with their mum and dad, from age 5/6. So mostly it was army flighhts, but not always, and sometimes dates/times between 4 different schools worked out and they all travelled together but mostly not so each going alone. Did them all a world of good.

I do think you'll both feel differently in 10/12 years time though.

[StrawberryShortcake32]

Thank you everyone.
I know it's a long time before it happens.
DH is the planner in our relationship whereas I'm more laid back, just not about this. Planning something that far into the future I agree is mental. Especially when I'm still very hormonal and possessive. It's lovely to hear others do similar things and it works for them. Perhaps I'll be less possessive in 12 years and if I'm not... he's still not going lol

[OrlandaFuriosa]

As everyone says, wait and see.

I'd agree with the underlying principle, that you want him to have a good relationships with the GPs and understand the society his DF comes from. How that works in practice will depend on circumstances and people.

Your DH equally, needs to realise that at the moment you are quite rightly into absolute protective mode and he needs to back off.

But don't be scared of children flying by themselves. They are superbly looked after ( I used to find it intrusively so, having done it from the age of about 9), esp long haul. The airlines are used to it too.

[SavageBeauty73]

I'd pay anything to send my 11 year twins away for the summer!

No point in discussing now. Wait 12 years.

[Mix56]

I forgot to mention, that me too, my DCs were sent UM every summer to stay with their cousins, summer camp, from the age of 4.
(short haul, for 2 weeks)
This was also for English immersion, but they love their UK cousins, their aunts & uncles, & GP thanks to this.

[CheerfullyIndifferent]

I think you are being overprotective - but, then, who wouldn't be? You have a newborn. Thinking about hypothetical holidays 12 years in advance will only stress you out. In your position, I'd just tell the husband that you can discuss it nearer the time.

That being said, only a couple of days ago I was thinking that my DD could go to my parents' over summer next year. She will be 8, also a 10-12 hour flight. I think she would be fine, strengthen the bond between her and my side of the family, improve her language skills... Of course I would miss her, but I only see advantages if she does go. I will ask what she thinks nearer the time.

[Twooter]

It would also mean that you get to do all the day to day drudge without the fun and different buts. When are you going to be able to explore new places if they're in SA all summer.

[OrlandaFuriosa]

Ds has cousins who flank him age wise. At 7 or so it was v convenient; we used to have them for a bit, they would gave ds for a bit. Meant good relationships and covered holidays.

[marthastew]

My MIL was exactly the same when DS1 was born. MIL is fairly old and even though it's still quite a few years until he would be able to visit her alone, she has stopped banging on about it.

She has got older and is now quite frail plus she has been reminded about what hard work it can be to take care of children.

It's a discussion you may never even need to have. Nod and smile for now.

[pasturesgreen]

No point stressing about it now, when your DS is a newborn.

Twelve years are a very long time and anything could happen. He may be excited at the thought of going, or he may not. Your MIL may well not feel up to it by then anyway.

[Lifegavemelemons]

Seriously don't worry about it. By the time he's 12 you might feel quite differently - like a poster up thread, one of my friends spent every summer holiday with grandparents, cousins etc in Ireland while her parents worked- she's an adult now and STILL says how wonderful this was!