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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas gifts when divorced.

61 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 20:39

Posting here and ready to be flamedid I am BU.....

Divorce went through few months ago. Took 18 months. Last Christmas was still in family home so ex came round at 6am to watch DC open gifts. This year am in own house and DC do not feel comfortable with him here (nor do I).

So I have suggested we do separate gifts, so Father Christmas will leave at both houses (I have friends who do this and it works well), DC all happy with this. So will have gifts here first thing. And he can then pick DC up mid morning and return them late afternoon on Boxing Day. We are also spending Christmas Eve all together.

Apparently I'm being very unreasonable to do this. He wants to come to my home and them to have joint gifts as always. And for him then to have them for the two days. So basically disregarding their wishes for the day. And meaning I have no time alone with them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 31/10/2016 20:40

What part of divorced doesn't he understand? Or can't he be arsed to buy them gifts himself?

UpsideDownGiraffe · 31/10/2016 20:42

I don't think he should be insisting on entering your home on any day of the year tbh.

leanback · 31/10/2016 20:42

Yanbu, he seems to have them for the majority of xmas day already.

Co-parenting is only easy if everyone is comfortable with it, however if your dcs would rather present opening was done separately then their wishes should be listened to.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 20:42

Well that I think is the issue. 18 years of doing diddly squat in terms of their gifts means he has no idea at all what to do. But that really isn't my problem.

OP posts:
Alorsmum · 31/10/2016 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 20:44

He hasn't been in my house because he fails to be respectful to the DC about it. Eg terming it as "his" house because "his" money paid for it.

He was EA towards me and them, hence I feel it's important that home is a safe place for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 20:45

I would be happy to alternate it in future if the DC want to. At the moment I'm having to bribe them to go there over Christmas at all. And two of them are old enough to refuse now.

OP posts:
John4703 · 31/10/2016 20:47

I am divorced (and married again to a wonderful lady but that is not the point here)

I would never want to go into my ex wife's home. It is her home not mine,
I have no right at all to go into it.
She invited me in once to visit our DD who was unwell and staying with her mum (DD is 33) Apart from that one time I have never been in her house, I hand over our grandson on the doorstep and he is happy with that. I have my life and I want my ex W to have her life.
OP you ARBU to refuse to let your EX H in on Christmas Day, or any other day.

HereIAm20 · 31/10/2016 20:51

Get the kids to do letters to Santa (Christmas Lists) and ask what he wants to buy off there. I have always successfully done alternate Christmases from Christmas Eve evening until Boxing day evening ( or even the day after by agreement depending on whether we are visiting family), then whoever doesn't have Christmas has New Year.

We also did two lots of presents except when Ds wanted an XBox one birthday so we went halves and it stayed at resident parents home.

Ex will just have to get used to this is life now!

honeyroar · 31/10/2016 20:57

My stepson has always done Xmas eve afternoon and Xmas morning with one parent, and Xmas day lunch and night with the other. It works well. And always separate gifts.

Trifleorbust · 31/10/2016 20:59

Just say no. You don't have to explain why you don't want your ex husband in your home.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 31/10/2016 21:02

So you only get to see them Christmas morning and he wants to intrude on that? I know what my response would be..

bloodyteenagers · 31/10/2016 21:05

No you are not being unreasonable. Just be firm, no at X time you are collecting the children and returning them at X. You will not be invited into our home to open presents. You will do this at your own home.

If he continues tell him to seek legal advice.

Love51 · 31/10/2016 21:09

It is important that your home is a safe place for your DC. It is also important that your home is a safe place for you.
You only need to open your home to people who are welcome.

ofudginghell · 31/10/2016 21:15

Just tell him no chance.
I would be saying alternate each year so this year you have them Christmas Day and do your own presents and have your day then he picks them up Boxing Day morning and has his Christmas Day with then then. Next year you swap.
That's what me and ds dad have done every year.
He has no right to be in your home especially when you don't want him there. He's just trying to throw his weight around and control a situation he no longer has any say in so don't let him get his way.
You left him for a reason. You don't have to do anything he wants or makes you feel uncomfortable.
Smile

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 21:17

and im guessing his suggestion that he only agrees if I provide him with a list of gifts I am purchasing with the costs is ,as I think, unreasonable?

While I'm happy to say I'm getting X, do you want to get Y, I don't see it as fair that I have to itemise things. He won't let things he buys them come here anyhow so I can't see the issue with the odd duplicate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 21:19

I really did think the fairest thing was to let him have part of the day. And then to alternate it next year if the DC want that.

OP posts:
TheRaspberryPhantomFlanFlinger · 31/10/2016 21:21

Why does he need to know what you buy and the cost? It's nothing to do with him now.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 21:22

I have no idea. I said I will spend the same as I always have, maybe less, depending on what they want. I'm not suddenly going to buy them all ponies!!

OP posts:
DeathStare · 31/10/2016 21:23

In the words of Zammo....Just say no. No to him coming round. No to the list of gifts you're buying. Just no. You don't owe him an explanation

Trifleorbust · 31/10/2016 21:25

A list of gifts with costs? Hmm

Why would you do that? Again, just say no. Don't explain.

slightlypeevedwombat · 31/10/2016 21:25

make up a list of things so he will have to 'better' them...

Flisspaps · 31/10/2016 21:26

How old are they? If they're old enough to genuinely not want to go, I'd not make them - and I certainly wouldn't be doing joint gifts or letting him in for the morning.

Love51 · 31/10/2016 21:28

I had always surmised that separated parents do a bit of colluding over Xmas presents, as the kid won't benefit from eg two copies of the same book / DVD even if it matches their interests. But this sounds like an attempt to control you. And as he won't let the kids bring their presents home, its irrelevant what he does, so just do what you would if he were getting nothing.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 21:34

Two are teens, one is junior school age.

I'm fine to say to him about anything big that they may ask him to get. And I'm not going to hog all the good stuff, because I don't want to hurt the DC over this.

But I do not want him smugly judging my home on Xmas morning, or to feel like I have to get up and dressed so I feel safe.

OP posts:
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