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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas gifts when divorced.

61 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 20:39

Posting here and ready to be flamedid I am BU.....

Divorce went through few months ago. Took 18 months. Last Christmas was still in family home so ex came round at 6am to watch DC open gifts. This year am in own house and DC do not feel comfortable with him here (nor do I).

So I have suggested we do separate gifts, so Father Christmas will leave at both houses (I have friends who do this and it works well), DC all happy with this. So will have gifts here first thing. And he can then pick DC up mid morning and return them late afternoon on Boxing Day. We are also spending Christmas Eve all together.

Apparently I'm being very unreasonable to do this. He wants to come to my home and them to have joint gifts as always. And for him then to have them for the two days. So basically disregarding their wishes for the day. And meaning I have no time alone with them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Rainydayspending · 31/10/2016 21:34

I've never done joint presents with ex nor told him ny present budget. i do give him a heads up when i've bought something they've asked for.

emmyhNL · 31/10/2016 21:34

I'd be talking to your DC here and letting them tell you what they want to do (I think you said they're old enough to refuse?). If they say no; then it's no.

I agree with you: your house should be a safe place for them and if that's without a certain person being in it, then so be it

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 21:36

Two of my DC don't want to see him at all on the day. I'm trying to keep the peace because I know he will be furious over that. And as a parent I can understand he would be hurt. So I'm trying to compromise.

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 31/10/2016 21:40

You don't need to let him know what you are getting. It's nothing to do with him.
next he will be wanting to know what you are spending maintenance on.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 21:42

Oh I spend it on myself. That's what he tells the DC. I'm selfish and he pays me enough to buy them all kinds of lovely things but I choose to buy myself things instead.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 31/10/2016 21:44

You owe him nothing, don't let him ruin your christmas.
Agreeing to Christmas Eve together will probably be a mistake, too.
Cut all ties and get on with your life with your children, and let him get on with his life with his children, the joint went with the divorce.
You'll never move on properly until you stop letting him dictate, stand firm, your dc are old enough to make their own decisions.
I bet the one's that don't want to go are the teens, who can see through his bull shit.
Please don't compromise for somebody who is EA to you, still, now after a divorce. I bet it was hell at times during those 18 years, it's your time now, with your family Thanks

MaddyHatter · 31/10/2016 21:45

as a step mum, and sister to a divorced brother.

Xmas Eve/Xmas Morning switched about with Xmas afternoon/boxing day has worked for both my DSD and my brother and his Ex.

Half of Xmas each on alternate years is only fair. The one who gets them xmas afternoon has an afternoon present opening instead.

No need for anyone to intrude on anyone elses christmas!

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 31/10/2016 21:47

I would have thought for the secondary aged children they could be encouraged to do two separate lists - one for his side of the family and one for your side. Then all he needs to know is that these are the items that they are asking from him and he can chose to give them those things or not as he wants to. It sounds as if they have the measure of him anyway and will probably ask for non essential stuff.

queenofthepirates · 31/10/2016 21:51

One of the few perks of having divorced parents are two lots of Xmas and birthday presents. I used to get two visits from Santa, both trying to outdo one another, which I never objected to. After all I had to my parents trying to verbally smother each other for 20 years, I deserved at least that courtesy.

TheWrathFromHighAtopTheThing · 31/10/2016 22:03

OP, it reads to me like you're still scared of him. Why are you bribing your children to spend time with him, when you admit that with him around you don't 'feel safe'?

You can't sacrifice their peace of mind to appease your ex.

TheNaze73 · 31/10/2016 22:06

YANBU, he's being a twat

Inertia · 31/10/2016 22:07

You are allowed to say no to him. You don't have to justify your decision to him or to anyone else. Your home is the safe place for you and the children.

The children are allowed to say no to him too.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 31/10/2016 22:08

Thank you strawberry for this thread. I am a fairly new single mum (split with ex in May) and am really worried about how we will negotiate this. At the moment, he's coming here, but have no idea how it will work re presents etc. I'm inclined to agree with posters who advocate cutting all ties but am still wavering.

garlicandsapphire · 31/10/2016 22:12

Been divorced for 8 years. I have DC for Xmas eve and Xmas day. My Xh comes round in the morning of Xmas day for presents (not really early for stockings) and then goes off. He then comes for them on boxing day morning and they then stay with him for a few days. To be fair, they've only ever spent one xmas day with him as they prefer xmas day with my fam.

But - we are on good terms. He's respectful. Its different with your X. Do whats right for you and the DCs - you dont have to do what he wants. I'm not liking his attitude about the house and clearly your DCs have worked him out. Do whats good for them.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/10/2016 22:16

I'd tell him to do one! It's your house, he doesn't get to be there unless you want him to be there, end of! I think the bottom line is that he wants to do it that way so you have to be the one to put in all the effort and he can just show up and watch presents being opened. Bullshit to that!

Obvs the two eldest don't believe in FC if they're teens, does the younger still believe? I can see a bit of working together (or gritting my teeth) as far as FC gifts to preserve the illusion if he/she does, but not to the extent of a 'happy families' joint Xmas morning. Otherwise ex can sort his own gifts for the children and if there are duplicates, they can be exchanged or kept at the separate houses.

As far as time at each house, honestly I don't believe in forcing children to go if they don't want to. I think there should be a calm, rational discussion with the two eldest about the fact that their father would like them to be there, that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do because it makes someone else happy. The caveat to that is if the visits to his house are unpleasant for them due to him being a shit to them or spending the whole time slagging you off or giving them the third degree about you. But if it's just about his house being boring or such, then I think I'd encourage them to go, but not force them.

BTW, my BFF refused to allow her ex across her threshold. She said she wanted no memories of him being within her four walls after living for years in a house filled with memories of his rages and abusive behaviour. It's one of the reason she didn't want to keep their marital home.

blackhairbrush · 31/10/2016 22:18

When my dc were little, ExH & i split the cost of "Father Xmas" presents and did our own separate "family" presents - I suppose it depends what your traditions are. Xmas mornings have always been here and we alternated between Xmas afternoon and Boxing Day. DC (now 19 & 20) tell me that they felt deprived of the benefit of 2 sets of presents that should be the right of children in divorced families they are only half joking

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 22:23

Acrossthepond- I feel the way your bff does about my home.

Yes the youngest does believe and that's partly why I want them here for the morning because we have always done the FC thing the same way and he won't give it the same priority and will spoil it for them. This will probably be the last year that is an issue.

OP posts:
Undersmile · 31/10/2016 22:33

Could Father Christmas come on Christmas Eve at your house? As a special one-off, because he knows the children will be elsewhere on Christmas Day? Father Christmas is so clever like that!

I hope you, and your children have a wonderful Christmas, despite your exH.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 22:37

No my DC want to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning and I will make sure that happens. We will then have all the same traditions we have always had but without someone being grumpy in the corner!!

OP posts:
blackhairbrush · 31/10/2016 22:41

We will then have all the same traditions we have always had but without someone being grumpy in the corner!!

Grin
leanback · 31/10/2016 22:42

I don't think you should be making them go see him on Christmas Day if they don't want to. Christmas Day is about kids more than it is adults.

I always (and still do) alternate chrismtases with my parents. It's me complicated now with dp. Last year I did xmas eve with dp's parents, Xmas day with df and Boxing Day with dm. This year Xmas eve with my mum, Xmas day with dp's parents and Boxing Day with my dad. Everyone understands that they can't have us for xmas Day every year and they all of are very understanding of that. Your ex needs to understand that alternate is probably going to be the only option in years to come.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 22:58

I can't bear the thought of the stand off if they don't go there over Xmas.

We already have it every week, one of them refusing to go, him yelling at me on the doorstep. I hate raised voices, hate seeing my neighbours stare at the noise. It humiliates me. the thought of that commotion on Christmas Day makes me feel ill.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 31/10/2016 22:59

Knowing that I'm being reasonable helps. Years of being told I was unreasonable means I doubt myself and knowing I'm "right" gives me a bit of backbone over it all.

OP posts:
leanback · 31/10/2016 23:02

How old is the oldest op? At some point the arrangements for contact should be directly made between the child and their father. It's not your responsibility to facilitate it and force them to go, especially if they are getting to about 14/15. Though I can understand why you are maybe trying to protect them fro, that considering your ex was ea.

Potentialmadcatlady · 31/10/2016 23:08

My teens have had enough of my ex and his controlling Christmas nonsense....we have all had years of it and his demands...I have tried for years to make sure the kids got choose exactly what they wanted to do at Christmas and have sucked up his nonsense for their sake....he doesn't even pay maintainence and they don't get bring anything thing home they get from 'his family', even money they get seems to disappear...
They have decided that this year we are going to start some new 'grown up' family traditions and this year that involves the teens and me going away...no nonsense,no cooking,no mess...bliss....doing what we want to do just for one year ....