Christmas gifts when divorced.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Posting here and ready to be flamedid I am BU.....

Divorce went through few months ago. Took 18 months. Last Christmas was still in family home so ex came round at 6am to watch DC open gifts. This year am in own house and DC do not feel comfortable with him here (nor do I).

So I have suggested we do separate gifts, so Father Christmas will leave at both houses (I have friends who do this and it works well), DC all happy with this. So will have gifts here first thing. And he can then pick DC up mid morning and return them late afternoon on Boxing Day. We are also spending Christmas Eve all together.

Apparently I'm being very unreasonable to do this. He wants to come to my home and them to have joint gifts as always. And for him then to have them for the two days. So basically disregarding their wishes for the day. And meaning I have no time alone with them.

AIBU?

him yelling at me on the doorstep

Well, then let him yell at your closed door. There's no law says you have to stand at your door and listen to him, I'd shut it in his face when he was in mid-scream. Do you have a front gate you can tell him to stand behind so he is not on your property?

Don't let his behaviour humiliate you! I'm sure your neighbours have nothing but sympathy for you in having a shithead ex.

Unfortunately no gate, v small street. I don't close the door because 20 years of knowing him has taught me to "manage" the situation. I ignore the yelling as I would a teenager. But I don't like it or need it.

Replies have all helped. Had friends who said I was not BU but was worried they were biased as they know history. I can now stick to my guns about the set up for this year. Next year hopefully things might be a bit different

We've done alternate Christmases for the last 6 years, which my kids don't like but prefer to awkward joint efforts we did for 4 years - we keep those just for birthdays now!

My eldest, at 21 and 19, have the maturity and clarity of distance to say that they felt the joint Christmas celebrations were confusing and ultimately more upsetting as they knew that it would be back to the regular unpleasantness at the next drop off/pick up. They were happier to do an overnight - or even a week away - with dad and his family, the doubling of presents didn't hurt either, they often say that the extra gifts are the only decent thing about being from a broken family.

My middle daughter spends very little time with her father and the youngest (turning 14) would prefer to have less but selfishly I need the 5 days a month he's around, alhtough I no longer insist that she sleeps over, just that he does the school run, laundry and dinners

Whatever you decide to do it sounds like you are a really great mum who puts her kids first and thinks sensitively about their needs. Please bear in mind that your loving and thoughtful approach is what your kids will remember most as they grow up - not so much what happens on one particular day.

So I'd suggest you reduce the focus on Christmas as 'one day' and look at how you can make the whole period special for your little family eg a trip to the Panto (or new Star Wars movie), making some cakes together, an evening of board games. And relax in the knowledge that you're a great mum and it will all turn out alright in the end.

OP, this is an awful situation for you and the DC to be in, and it really spoils Christmas for them if they know their dad will make a scene and be generally rubbish and grumpy. They must dread it, no wonder they don't want to go. YADNBU to want to change things for the DC benefit. I think that as he has always seemed to be miserable at Christmas, the DC ought to have Christmas eve and day in their own home with you, and go to their dad for Boxing day and 27th or even just the Boxing day. If he is so feeble that he can't organise presents, and a buffet of party food from M&S, and try to be a nicer person for the DC's benefit, then really what is the point?
Your EX is still attempting to control you and the DC. He refuses to accept that you are divorced, that you have your own home, that the DC are becoming independent and have their own views about where they spend their time and who with. He cannot see that if he behaved differently, the DC would want to spend time with him; but he won't change. It seems more about keeping them away from you than wanting to have fun being with them.

He is BVU to raise matters about maintenance and who bought the house in front of the DC, that is wholly inappropriate, as is causing a disturbance in the street. You would be justified in getting a restraining order to prevent him approaching your home.

Exactly it! Yes time with them is always inconvenient for me. Never enough for me to be able to work/socialise anything really and always messed around with at last minute. Which is why DC are fed up with it.

His priority is not them, it's finding ways to control me. Through them if necessary. But I see it as temporary if I can just hold my ground.

Bottom line is he has never "done" Christmas. It was my thing. So what better way to get at me than try and spoil that?!

The DC are already voting with their feet over the situation he is creating. He is controlling you and in so doing is alienating them, he's too stupid and full of revenge to see it. Down the line, will they want him at significant birthday parties, or graduations, engagements, weddings or to be a granddad; because he risks losing all that.

With someone who messes you about over contact, you have to be quite rigid. Don't negotiate if he suddenly wants to change the date or time, if he can't make the specified then he doesn't get to see them. It simply isn't fair to mess the DC about in this way.

He should realise that getting at you really will make the DC more protective and supportive of you, he really will lose them if he carries on. Not doing Christmas in any form for them and expecting you to do all the presents is pathetic, especially if he insists on having them and then makes no effort himself.

your plan sounds perfectly reasonable

I am also divorced and the kids open presents at my house in the morning. We do lunch with exh together (out, at a pub), then he takes them after that back to his house where they open presents with him in the afternoon and he keeps them for boxing day (as I have them xmas eve).

tell him this is what most people do

does he have someone else? I am finding that xh is a lot more co-operate and better at these arrangements since he got a new girlfriend.

co-operate = co-operative

It's the other way around for me - my DP's exw INSISTS that DP goes round to her house after 11pm xmas eve to leave reindeer footprint and santa footprint things outside the home and hten back at 6am every xmas morning (lets himself in with a key) so that her and DP and their DC can all open gifts together.

I can see why he does it for his DC but I feel kind of left out sitting at home all xmas on my own as he doesn't return until around 1ish. We don't have any children so it's not like their missing out and I don't complain because its all about the kids.

Every year she tries to get him to go round for xmas dinner aswell and when he says no thanks I'm spending it with my girlfriend she then tries to get their DC to turn the waterworks on and guilt him into going - he doesn't but its the same bloody drama every xmas.

EXW always insists they buy presents together aswell even though I have suggested every year we get him something from "us" she goes mental and says im not DC's mother and that the presents should come from both parents together.

Your oh needs to start saying no, imawishfulthinker. He's not being fair to you, and his ex wife knows it and enjoys it. I wouldn't stay with someone who expected me to sit at home all Xmas morning while he acted like I didn't exist with his kids and ex wife (assuming you've been/lived together for more than a year or two from what you wrote).