Becoming a Gran

[JanScots]

I am so excited that at long last I am going to be a Gran. I would really like advice on not giving advice. So all you new Mum's and Dad's to be... let me know what wound you up with the potential Grandparents... as I so do not want to be one of them. :-)

You sound like you're going to be a lovely gran! How about you ask the parents to be to keep communicating with you ways in which you can help out. Explain that you don't want to be "That Granny" that takes over or criticizes and does not respect boundaries. You know that as the baby grows and their family dynamics change, then the ways in which they want you to help out will probably change also. Congratulations on your lovely news!!!

Just listen really,

If the new parents say no to cooking/cleaning/babysitting/whatever don't keep asking. Nobody wants to be nagged and what's helpful for some is another worst nightmare.

Not everybody wants to have a house full of visitors.
When dd1 was 1 day old, MIL came to visit with BIL x2 and SIL.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, had a hold, and I didn't even have a seat to sit on. They stayed for hours.

Excellent advice on here. I've learned so much by reading the threads on MN.
I followed DD & DSIL's lead - ie they wanted to have a few days on their own to be a new family. When it came to it though they didn't feel like that. They were stressed, exhausted and wanted some support. I got on the train and went to stay and didn't at any point say 'I told you so' etc or make them feel bad for wanting some help/support.
I stayed 2 weeks and in that time, cooked meals, made sure everyone had snacks/drinks, did the washing and generally reassured DD&DSIL that it takes time to get your head round being a parent and that they were doing great.

Be considerate and supportive to DSIL. It's all new to him too. Don't be all over DD and new GC but leave him out in any way. I agree that if you're asking, you'll be fine. Ask them to say when they want you to leave . Things have changed a lot over the years but don't judge. If DD or DSIL rub the baby down with goose fat after its bath and play a recording of a gorilla's mating call when its time for bed, just let them crack on with it. And most of all praise DD&DSIL and tell them how well their doing and that you are so proud of them both. Congratulations.

What i found helpful from my mum was, washing sterilising bottles, making bottles, making me food, washing clothes and general housework

It was lovely that she helped out but still let me cherish every moment with the baby.

Lovely advice here but I had to smile at an earlier one from someone (sorry forgotten who) saying how she loved receiving handmade clothes. That was one thing I hated (and makes me sound ungrateful) - I can't bear hand knitted baby stuff (quite like chunky handknits for older children though) and as for crochet......

So, that's another one to check first!!

And congratulations - I can't wait to become a GP but it'll be a few years yet I think (if it even if possible of course)

Another Grandma here. Congratulations! It's a joy and a minefield. Do your best to be supportive. They won't always be grateful and you'll have to put up with crap when the parents are overtired and stressed. Don't take it personally and forgive them. They'll forget their own snappy behaviour in a short time but you won't. But don't let it get you down. They really are grateful and being a Grandma is wonderful

Clean their bathroom. It's such a hard job to do with a newborn and so necessary when recovering from labour. It's not something you can easily ask someone to do but I appreciated it much more than food!

If you are visiting help out. Cook, do a bit of ironing. Anything other than sitting on arse and judging. I know by personal experience

And recognise that the mother is mother

For me that would be fab and you would be welcome any time. Mine isn't which shows impact

Oh and don't say at long last. Depending on circumstances they may have had a long journey to get there

But congrats

Congratulations x

My advice is listen, remember that you are 100% excited about the new baby, mum to be will be worried about getting the baby into this world. With my first I was overdue and worried about being induced I did not need or want to hear a breezy "that's great I'll be a granny by Friday".
When baby arrives remember to ask how mum is. Its only polite.
Support whatever method of feeding she chooses BF is hard to get established but constantly saying "you might need top ups", "Formula babies sleep better" is not good to listen to especially when you are getting the same drivel from both sides.

If she has friends in, esp if they have traveled a distance, then leave. I felt my friends were pushed out of an arranged visit because Granny wouldn't.

Mum might not feel ready for baby to be apart from her, don't keep saying "I'll take baby and let you rest / do housework"
Either offer to do the housework or sit downstairs with baby while mum gets a sleep.

The fact you are asking shows that you care. Remember how you felt as a first time mum.

Just be there. Call and say if you need me I am here. Our own parents never did that once. We would have loved that. We have had 4 kids (youngest is 2 months) without a jot of help. Not before, not after, not during. Now the grandkids are older they never offer to taken them out for a few hours. They all do tje minimum if that and every additional grandchild gets less important. They see them once a year. It's sad. Btw just by asking I can tell your going to be great op!

New parents are exhausted, slightly terrified, guilt-ridden, hormonal and frightened (as well as fiercely protective and very, very much in love with their babies) and their relationships may already be strained by all the changes (and the exhaustion - did I mention that already?).

Pretty much anything can tip them over the edge.
Don't give advice unless it is asked for, if they mention any ideas which seem odd to you ask them to tell you about it - chances are they are basing their ideas on research and current advice.
Don't visit and expect to be waited on. Rather than wishywashy promises of "Is there anything I can do?" make concrete suggestions such as "I'm making a shepherd's pie, would you like a couple of portions for your freezer", "How about I make you cup of tea?" - don't say anything such as "Would you like me to clean your bathroom?" as it might be seen as critical.
Only offer to babysit the baby if there are very clear indicators that this is OK...and even then you are best staying in their house for the first few years months. "How about I sit with the baby while you have that nap you mentioned?" is better than disappearing for hours at the first chance and showing off the baby.

If you can be get through the first few months with the relationship intact, then that is a very good precedent for the future.

Don't start referring to the parents as Mummy (or occasionally even fecking "Mumsy") and Daddy rather than their names even when the baby isn't in the room ie "and how about you Mumsy, do you want a cuppa too?" Also projecting here, its bad enough when a health visitor does it but from grandparents really irritates me after 3 years of it! Oh, and talking to the parents via the baby for example: "What has Mumsy been eating that's given you windy pops?" grates a bit too

Don't act like their decisions to follow modern advice are a criticism of what advice you were given and followed when you had children.

Don't comment on how the baby is the spitting image of one of the parents ( or the parents siblings) and nothing like the other . After carrying a baby for 9 months and being told she looked nothing like me was like a slap in the face.... Although I'm willing to admit that my hormones were all over the place and it upset me more than it should have. Dd looks just like dh and she's beautiful , just wasn't pleasant to have it rammed down my throat by dh's family a day after birth.

You sound very nice though and I agree with all the other stuff people have posted.

My DD is 2 now, and both my DM and MIL have made grandparenting mistakes (just as I have made parenting mistakes) but the 3 things that stick in my mind still are:
Announcing the birth while I'm still fighting for my life in intensive care
Insisting FIL take screaming, hungry, 6 week old DD into another room while I eat, instead of letting me feed her THEN eat
When I complain I've barely held DD all day, refusing to give her back.

Other than that, you can't go wrong in my mind! Keep the lines of communication open as in any relationship and follow the new parents lead. Chances are they don't even know what they want from you right now.

As a gran of 9 my advice would be to always ask if it is alright to do something. Don't just pick the baby up.
Ask before you buy anything bigger than a bib.
Offer to babysit if they want to go out but never ask to have the child without mum. Wait till they ask you, and they will.
Never offer advice unless it is asked for.
The name they choose is perfect even if they call their daughter Algernon you love it.
Ask before your first visit and make it one where you help out by taking a meal for them, sorting the washing, not just wanting to hold the baby.
Don't stay too long the first time. If mum is weepy she needs tea and cake and hug not tales of pnd!
Most of all let your love for them as a family show. Give the new mum little gifts for herself.
Being a gran is magical. My youngest is 7 now and the oldest 19. I have never yet fallen out with any of their parents. Enjoy it, the years pass so quickly.

Oh I'm loving this thread! Will be back soon to post some stuff

First off, congratulations.

Secondly, PLEASE remember that your daughter is still your daughter and not just the mother of your grandchild. I have felt pushed out, excluded and unwanted since I had my children nearly 19 years ago! My mum still says things like 'now I feel complete, Granddaughter and I have a connection, this is what life is about' etc etc. And it has made me feel worthless. So whilst it is perfectly understandable to coo and fuss over the new baby, remember to coo and fuss over your daughter too.

I have heard lots of comments from women saying how they love their grandchildren more than their own children. By all means think it, just don't say it out loud as that is probably the most hurtful thing I have heard. It may well be a different type of love, but that doesn't mean its any better than the love you have for your children surely???

Wishing you a happy and healthy grandchild.

I agree that as you're asking for advice you will be absolutely fine.

My bits to add are based on your grandchild has other grandparents:

• don't get upset when the other grandparents buy anything
• don't criticise the other grandparents to baby's parents even if they are. When everything has settled down, the parents will remember your criticism.
• if you say you're going to buy something then buy it! Ask your son or daughter if they're happy for you to choose it or if they want to tell you exactly what to buy.
• if the name of one of the grandparents needs clarification then ask but only ask once (my daughter's grandma and my mother in law is actually my husband's stepmother and there was no question about her being grandma but my family felt the need to question it often!)

It's amazing how once you become a new mum some people are desperate to 'be helpful' and then ignore the things you have actually asked for that would help i.e. Hoover round. So perhaps think carefully about what you are willing to do. If by being helpful you mean you want to endlessly hold and expect to feed and coo over the baby for hours at a time that might be best saved for when the baby is a bit older unless the parents have specifically asked for you to do this. For some women keeping their baby with them is a very primal thing... I was totally taken aback by how desperately I wanted to be close to my son (he had spent three weeks in SCBU so we had had a lot of time apart) and how much I did not want to share him at first. It is very grating to have visitors to 'see the new family' who then sit and hover and twitch because you are not handing the baby over. I remember sitting upstairs in tears because my in laws had held the baby for three hours and I was too tired and fraught to ask for him back. I actually felt quite ill with how much I needed to be on my own with him but felt obliged to share him. Yes it is extremely exciting to be a grandparent/aunt/uncle but there is time enough for cuddles. Wait to be offered and then hand back after ten minutes or if the baby starts to cry. A please please Don't refer to the baby as 'my baby' unless it is in fact, your baby.

Bring Food, offer to do some ironing and the washing up (maybe the washing for some but personally I hated the idea of my MIL or DM sorting through my dirty laundry, especially as it had in various post birth bloody and stained items). Another vote for giving the bathroom a once over or perhaps changing the bedding so it is fresh. Don't expect or try for much conversation. I was so exhausted in the first weeks that I found following any conversation very difficult and was frankly desperate for people to leave... and they sat there for HOURS!!!

It's a wonderful time, but not necessarily 'your' time.

Don't give advice unless asked, this includes breezy comments about what you used to do that are posing as advice! If you really want to know the plans re: weaning, sleep, feeding etc say 'what are the guidelines these days' (and don't follow with 'because in my day.../oh, we used to....)

DONT HOG THE BABY! I was adamant I didn't want visitors in hospital, mil came uninvited and stormed into the ward, picked my baby up and didn't let go until we left. This became a pattern for the first 3 months, including when my baby was screaming and she would walk off into a different room so she could have a go at settling her (she is breastfed, she wants milk ). I also used to get my daughter snatched out of my arms before even getting a hello...

Don't take the baby into a different room away from mum. It was like a physical pain to hear her scream, know why, and be powerless to do anything about it because mother in law keeps running away with the baby!

Don't think that helping is offering to hold baby while she breezes round doing housework etc, if you don't want to do housework that's fine but don't try and split the baby from the mother uninvited under a guise of trying to "help". Basically, assume mum will want to be with baby and hold baby and calm baby down unless she says otherwise.

Gahhh, I used to have a great relationship with my mother in law, like literally fantastic, and then dd was born and beyond upset me. Baby is now 4 months and I still can't look her in the eye because I'm so angry about the stuff she did in the early weeks!!

I'm aware that some of the things listed might not seem like a big deal to men or other people but after you have just had a baby there is no accounting for the crazy crazy hormones and that instinct to be connected to your baby!

I have two grandchildren: 6 yrs and 16 mth. They are my dd's children.
Don't insist on wanting to wait outside the delivery room door like my dd's MIL did. My DD didn't want the added stress of knowing she was there so she didn't tell anyone she was in labour, apart from her dp of course. We got a phone call and picture msg saying 'hello grandma'.
We follow their rules with feeding, bedtimes, and sweets etc.
I only give advice if asked. My son in law paid me a huge compliment, he said my DD is a great mum, she's like her own mum, patient, caring, funny and fab.
I am sure you'll be a wonderful gp.

My MIL said to me "this is your baby, so you know best. I'm happy to give advice if you ask but everyone does things differently, so always suit yourself".

That covers it.

Pre baby please don't express gender preference esp for a long awaited fertility baby.

I'll second don't hog the baby both families will be excited about the new arrival regardless of number of other grandchildren.

I am a gran x 4 with gs's ranging from 8 months to 14 years. I have had to interfere because two of the children ended up placed with me, although it would never have been my wish. I do love them and have brought them up as my own, although when the alarm goes for the school run I feel I am stuck in a never ending groundhog day.

Many of the things you have been told not to do, well I have been guilty of. It does depend a lot whether it is your dd or dil doesn't it.

I have laughed like mad at some of the names, the last one being the worst because my sil wanted my husband's name as the child's second name and it is bloody awful (think Kevin, Darren, type but worse). So I suppose it means we have not hoisted hideous family names on them, it was their own choice.

I wait to be asked to hold the baby (because I am fed up of them), don't ask if they have been changed recently (because I don't want to change them), but always ask if there is a bottle made up etc as I want to avoid a screaming episode.

Always make sure you can put the pram up/down/in the car and manage the car seat as this is a burden removed from the mum.

Buy ahead clothes wise for coats etc. My dd looked at me like I was mad last year when I bought jackets in Next sale - but he is wearing them now and it is a big saving. Make sure anything you buy ahead matches the seasons.

Hope this isn't patronising. It is so nice to look forward to the arrival of a new baby in the family.