Becoming a Gran

[JanScots]

I am so excited that at long last I am going to be a Gran. I would really like advice on not giving advice. So all you new Mum's and Dad's to be... let me know what wound you up with the potential Grandparents... as I so do not want to be one of them. :-)

See Cornish above^^ do that! You can't go far wrong.

Remember all the things that annoyed you as a new parent and don't do them to others.

The fact you're asking means you're going to be ace (can I borrow you please?? You could 'practice' grandparenting!)

Please try to remember that new parents are sleep deprived and may be a bit tactless or sharp. Develop a thick skin to this and don't take it personally.

Ask. You can suggest what you think needs doing as in 'shall I make a cup of tea/ hang the washing out' but really the thing that is the most useful will be different day to day / hour to hour. I know one person who walks in, doesn't judge or raise an eyebrow at the chaos and just says 'what would you like me to do'. I will love this person forever.

Congratulations!

The fact that you have even asked means you'll be fine.

I agree. Shows you're considerate enough to take the prospective parents' feelings into account.

To answer the question, the things that bugged me were snatching my baby off me and refusing to hand him back even as he cried for me, repeatedly asking when I would stop breastfeeding, pre-emptively buying bottles and a bottle warmer for her home (I know that's not much in the great scheme of things but it was the implicit lack of faith in my breastfeeding that bugged me), assuming she would take him for a full weekend every second from four weeks old, waking him up just because she hadn't seen him awake on any particular visit, advising that we should close the door on him at night and leave him to cry no matter how long for. I could go on. Things other GPs did right were (when he was teething especially) to offer to soothe him when I needed a break of ten minutes or so, to be there just enough but not impose (that is a difficult one to gauge, that entirely depends on how the parents feel, eg MIL came round every single day unannounced just walking in seemed to think she was doing a huge favour in not coming round one day the midwife was due but clearly wanted me to say no it's fine, just come round, whereas my own parents would ask when was okay to come round and limited themselves to a couple of days a week).

I think it depends on if the mother is your daughter or daughter in law. I think a mum could swoop in and clean but might not be wanted from a mother in law. My mum died a couple of years before I had my baby and I found it bloody hard having my husband's excited mum around. To be honest I just wanted her to piss off but I knew that it wasn't her fault really. Follow the parent's lead. Do NOT offer advice unless it is asked for. Ask what the parents need if you want to buy things for the baby. Do not just buy lots of ugly cuddly toys! Do not hog the baby. Do not use a pet name for the new baby, use the proper one. If you take flowers to their home then offer to put them in a vase when you arrive. Offer to make the tea, pop to the shops for them etc. but don't be offering too much if they say no to things. Do not keep going on about wanting to babysit. Never use the expression 'rod for your own back'. Do not offer your opinion about breastfeeding or bottle feeding unless they ask for advice and please be aware that the guidance has probably changed dramatically. Do not arrange for lots of groups of relatives to visit in the early days. Great aunties etc can wait a couple of weeks at least. Never ask if the baby is ok (unless you think it needs hospital obviously!). Don't go on about the babies cold hands! Do pick out features of the baby from both of the couple. If you're crafty and want to make stuff try and make it to their taste rather than your own. I could go on forever !!!!

I didn't give advice unless asked for it. I'm not a pushy person anyway. I breast fed all my 4 children so that wasn't a problem; I was just pleased that she was breastfeeding. I was still working so I would babysit at weekends or school holidays. Her MIL was able to arrange her shifts when needed. There is absolutely no need for competitive grandmothering. Your daughter is a grown-up, so respect her decisions.

Congratulations op!

My mil was a shining example of everything you ought NOT to do as a grandparent but here are the things that really bothered me.

Just the endless stream of judgement about EVERYTHING from feeding to sleeping, just don't speak unless you are spoken to.
Numerous attempts to sabotage breastfeeding.
Stupid messages from her that would read 'oh just put the baby in that >insert random piece of crap< outfit and take a photo for auntie/work colleague I never met/ old.school friend I never heard of would you"
Dont mention the fact shes gone over due. AT ALL.
Just space space space was what I wanted, I just wanted my house to myself. So don't invade too much !

The most annoying thing came from my mum. I'm an only child and my DM had me mid-80s...she's obviously forgotten many aspects of my birth and life with a newborn in general. After sudden and severe pre-eclampsia, emergency delivery with forceps, a PPH, anaemia, stitches, AND 4 sleepless nights on a postnatal ward, as naturally delighted (it goes without saying) as I was to have a perfect bouncing DS, I was physically wrecked. I mentioned how exhausted and sore I was and she was like (annoyingly breezily) 'Oh not me, I felt great, I was just so happy to have you home.' I said 'Well of course I'm happy to be home with my baby! But I'm also exhausted and in pain and very anxious about all that has happened to me in hospital.' (I was almost readmitted on day 5 as my BP was still high). Her (even more breezily) 'Oh no. I felt just wonderful. The best feeling in the world.'

After this went on for ages I finally snapped 'Well you're clearly a much better mother than me then.' I was very emotional anyway but I felt like I just needed some support rather than her wittering on about how 'great' she'd felt.

Ooohhhh! JanScots me too! I can't wait, it's my 1st gc and I think it's possibly more exciting than having your own dc. Thanks for all the advice, I think it's so important to wait to be asked before you visit. It's a special time to be enjoyed by the new parents, let it be just the 3 of them for as long as they choose. ...... It's weird but I'm feeling nervous for my daughter because at the end of the day, they are still your baby, even if they are going to be a mother themselves.

Jesus bob you are a saint I would have killed her.

seven depends my dils mother is a cow.

zazu yes I absolutley adore my dils and one has a crap mum so we are probably closer because of that but I see them as women and equals.

My dds are teens now and I think it's going to be harder stepping back and not trying to hard to help which coukd overspill into taking over because they are my baby girls.

Mmmm would need to be careful.

My username may perhaps serve as warning of imminent projection

PIL are paragons of what to do. When we announced the pregnancy at 20 weeks they were absolutely delighted, asked when to phone up so they could congratulate both of us properly, asked about how everything was going, and have sent regular emails / made sure I (their DIL) am around for regular phonecalls where they ask about how everything is and also chat about other things. They asked if we'd like them to buy anything, and bought exactly what we'd asked for - and have said again & again & again how delighted they are and how much they look forward to meeting the baby & that they're so pleased for us & think we'll make wonderful parents. MIL has been very supportive of me by email & has offered to come over to help after DS arrives but only if we'd like that - and we know she'll be awesome when she does come, because both MIL and FIL are brilliant parents/grandparents to DH's sister/grandkids, being totally willing to do stuff like laundry and cooking, play down at floor level with the kids, look after the parents, have a laugh, and really clearly love the kids and the parents.

My own parents, on the other hand - well, you won't be like them because you're asking for advice on here. Suffice it to say they have offered zero support and shown zero interest, have bitched about how much they disapprove of the pregnancy behind our backs to relatives and friends who contacted them to congratulate them (after we'd told the relatives and friends) - and otherwise have refused to discuss it at all.

Wow, thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to my question. Loads of really good advise which I will so take on board. :-)

jan - can I ask that, if the expectant DD or DS has a sibling, don't forget you are still their Mum.
Not everyone can conceive a DG.
Many congrats.

Just be respectful and follow their lead but also be ready to provide good advice and support if they look for it.

If its your son's baby, try not to be jealous that your DIL may be closer to her mum about the baby initially. It is how it goes.

Remember its their baby, they might do things differently to how you would.

Loads of stuff is different now to the way it was when you were having a baby.

And when they are being ridiculously precious, just smile and go along with it and accommodate. When my mother first babysat baby DD, I made her put a laptop in the nursery and play a particular Mozart track "because that is what we are using to try and help DD settle and she associates it with sleep time". Poor old mum had to get up to speed with using iTunes and finding a very particular piano sonata.

She must have thought we were off the scale precious but to her sainted credit she went along with it without a murmur.

Thank goodness by the time DS came along we had got over ourselves.

Shocked at how many people have said their Mother/MIL tried to stop/hindered them from breastfeeding

My mother has been great (baby due in 4 weeks). Her stance is that she's there if we need her but she doesn't butt in and try to tell give us advice.

MIL's favourite saying is 'we didn't do that when your DH was little and we didn't have any problems'. She thinks car seats are over the top DH is in his 40s so things have changed a lot since then (thankfully).

Also MIL is very judgemental of other mums and likes to slag off her friends' DILs ...don't do this!!

and just a bit of .

Rule 1: Don't offer advice.
Rule 2. When Rule 1 does not apply, apply Rule 1.

You lucky lady you!

I became a granny two weeks ago and the thing my dd seems to like most is the washing up done, laundry removed and bought back the next day washed and dried and she values time to have a shower. I adore dgd but was very unprepared for quite how distressing I found dd being in labour was.

Please guys, I am new to this. Can someone tell me what all the abbreviations are.. for example AIBU , DD, DS etc etc...

AIBU = am I being unreasonable. DD = dear son. DD = dear daughter.

Congratulations! The fact you are thinking ahead about this says to me that you will be a brilliant Granny!

A few things that I would have appreciated-

• Don't tell your DD or DIL that she is "huge" and "far bigger than me when I was pregnant." Just tell her she looks great!
• Don't come and stay when the baby is a few days old and treat it like a holiday for you, insisting you need a nap for 3 hours every afternoon and a lie in most mornings. I love my DM and she was so helpful the first few days that she stayed, but once my Dad arrived to stay too my Mum seemed to think it was a holiday and spent hours disappearing and sleeping when I was on my knees with exhaustion and really struggling to recover after a traumatic delivery. I didn't have the capacity to sympathise when she said she needed to catch up on sleep after a busy few weeks at work.
• Don't insist the baby looks like you and nothing like the other side of the family or the parents.
• Basically follow the parents lead, do what you can to help and enjoy your lovely grandchild! Any help was appreciated here, but especially the fact that my PIL asked what would help, cooked dinner with no fuss or mess for us to worry about and generally didn't make it about them.

just ask mum if there is anything you can do eg.cook,laundry ,watch baby so they can both rest and dont forget to phone to check it ok to call round

say 'you're doing a great job' a lot.

offer no practical advice unless specifically asked.

offer actual help. would you like me to come over at 2 and hold the baby whilst u take a nap? would u like me to make u a casserole on tuesday? would u like me to pop over and help with anything in the house today? my IL were 'you know where we are' types and i didn't feel comfortable asking for help

Don't get to the hospital for visiting and brightly disclose that your DP has come down with a nasty vomity stomach bug but that you are "fine"