Becoming a Gran

[JanScots]

I am so excited that at long last I am going to be a Gran. I would really like advice on not giving advice. So all you new Mum's and Dad's to be... let me know what wound you up with the potential Grandparents... as I so do not want to be one of them. :-)

Don't do what my mum did when my son was a week old - was expressing every 3 hours, attempting to get him to latch then having to feed him with a bottle of expressed milk as his latch was crap. I was on my knees with exhaustion had had a terrible labour and delivery and suffering major anxiety (which thankfully went away) - and come round to the back door first thing in the morning uninvited and tell me there's a cobweb on the outside of my door that I need to clean. I basically told her to F off. She then came back later that day and told my husband to clean it instead

I'm a Grandma.

Advice to a newbie:
Resolve right now to support the parents, especially the mother, in whatever they decide. The brownie points you gain from that form mountains.
Be available for babysitting whenever you can. It's joyous.

Don;t make a meal unless you know the new parents would like this. (would be my idea of hell I am not good with frozen meals)

If you compare baby to your family for eyes (say) Also find something of baby that is the inlaws family. My otherwise wonderful MIL was constantly comparing dd1 to their family. As mine was so far away I never got that about mine and it really bothered me.

One of my very favourite things of being a parent was watching my in laws fall in love with and love my children. Many of my friends have agreed with me there.

Oh yes as others have said if the baby is crying give it back to its mum. For me it's like a physical pain listening to my baby crying whilst being held by someone else especially when that person mil walks into a different room with him.

I don't have ny advice... (LO isn't born yet).

However: congrats :)!!

Things I liked:

• handmade clothes;
• company while I pottered around;
• nice photos.

Things I didn't like:

• focusing so much on the baby that I felt invisible;
• panicking as I went about my day "OMG you can't do/ shouldn't be doing THAT";
• saying things like "I couldn't live with myself if something went wrong" in relation to co-sleeping, for example;
• making helpful suggestions for what might be wrong when the baby fussed. It's like watching someone trying a key in a door - no! You won't do any better so just be quiet and let them get on with it!

Basically only say positive things. Don't offer any unsolicited advice - it will at best irritate and at worst undermine.

Good luck and congratulations!

How lovely of you to ask....and congratulations!

I don't have much advice as I'm only 25 weeks pregnant with my first. I'm very close to my mum but I need to have a little word with her, which I'm dreading. So, my advice is...don't buy EVERYTHING for the baby! Mum's so, so generous and excited, and I suspect she's bought out Mothercare. If we see anything nice in a shop she'll say 'oh we might have already got one of those!' and I spotted a pack of babygrows in her bag yesterday. Thing is, we haven't bought a thing, and I've been really excited about choosing a few special items. We don't want/need lots of things so now I think I shouldn't buy anything as it would be wasteful, as my mum's got everything covered! I'm quite upset really...

So, rein in any rampant generosity! And enjoy being a nana

Probably too late for this as they've obviously already announced their news, but don't touch her belly, especially when there's no bump (my mil was basically patting my fat, at 12 weeks, which made me cry), or even when there is a bump, and don't say 'ooh have you felt ill?' and then talk about your pregnancies and how you felt without letting her get a word in.

Do support them in whatever way is best for them.

I think you should tell the parents to be that you want to help and are happy to and take it from there. Just because I would have hated anyone coming to my house with food, cleaning or washing etc for me but others (as above) would appreciate that. So say 'would you like me to do X?' rather than assume the new mum will want or need you to. My Mil is like this and it's great, I know she really does want to help me so I can ask her for anything but she doesn't push at all.
I'd read up on the latest baby advice so if you're asked or are being told about a situation/ problem with the baby feeding or sleeping you can say something that isn't massively outdated and will just be dismissed stares hard at my dad with his mountains of advice. Call/ txt/ email regularly but take cues from the parents to be, ask how things are going during the pregnancy but I guess it all depends on the relationship you have, if you see and speak to each other often now it'll probably be welcomed but if things are a bit strained or there are outstanding issues I think it'd be different.
Ask before you buy stuff! Not little bits but don't assume they'll want any of the big stuff gifted to them with no input!

Like a PP said, the mother often feels invisible as the focus is mainly on the baby. The nicest thing that a friend did for me was to bring me some cake, make a cup of tea and give me a gift basket of smellies. Loved her for that.

Ds gf had our first gc. When she asked my advice l usually said first of all what does your own mom think? She always seemed to like that. Also l remember my own dm saying years ago when l had my first that she had read in a magazine that you should breastfeed on demand these days. It was the best thing she could have said as l never felt under pressure feeding every five mins. All my friends dms were saying don't tell me you're feeding again. So full support for feeding whatever form it takes.
Also my Mil cleaned out our freezer and dumped all my hard won expressed milk. I was distraught. So be careful.
But most of all just enjoy your new little gc. You have much joy ahead.

If its a girl don't only buy pink stuff! Every person who buys an outfit for a newborn girl seems to get it in pink. Other colours are nice too and sometimes its just too much pink - especially if you hate the colour like I do!

Mother the mother if that makes sense. Look after her in the days and weeks following the birth so that she can look after the baby.

My mum was ace at this just a few of the amazing things she did:

Came round when she knew we had visitors coming to meet the baby and made all of the drinks etc and cleaned up after.

Made sure we had online grocery shop delivered for the first 3 weeks.

Made sure the laundry basket was empty for a good 6/8 weeks.

Made sure she told me how great me and DH were doing all the time.

My baby has the best relationship with my mum out of all of her grandparents despite seeing them all an equal amount of time. I put it down to the fact my mum always emphasises the importance of the parent role and respected how much our baby needed us while still little and always expected the grandparent bond to come later - and it has!

Congratulations

My lovely and very sadly missed MIL was a brilliant, exemplary GM. We got off to a slightly rocky start with various bits of unwanted advice that made me feel pretty inadequate. My DH asked her to back off, which, to her great credit, she immediately did and never interfered again. I learned a lot from her over the years and greatly valued her advice and input when I asked for it. You have the right approach OP.

If my DC have children I plan to ask them to tell me straight away if I overstep the mark. Also to ask them to tell me how I can support them.

Congratulations. We are relatively new grandparents (1 year ago) and just tried to be considerate and supportive to our DD and her husband without interfering. I think remembering they are the parents and respecting their wishes as far as possible is the way to go but be flexible taking your cue from them.

In the early days after our granddaughter was born and came home initially they said they wanted time to bond as a family which we understood and did not crowd them. My granddaughter hardly slept at night though and they were so sleep deprived in the early weeks though so they took us and the other grandparents up on the offer of us doing night watches so they could sleep. I think they appreciated that plus meals being cooked for them. Offering childminding if the mum is going back to work and you are in a position to do it might save them some money which they may appreciate.

I would just offer support and let them know you are available to help out if they need it. I tried not to give advice unless asked for it not least because things have changed in the 30 years since I had my first DD. Also not grabbing the baby each time but offering to do other chores like hanging out washing or making a cup of tea goes down well. Depends on how protective the parents are of their baby. Luckily my DD and son in law are quite relaxed about us looking after our DGD. She is an absolute joy for us to spend time with.

Congratulations!

Had my first child a few months ago, and both sets of grandparents have been (mostly) wonderful. But a few pointers:

• As PP have said, take the lead from the parents when it comes to visiting etc. However, DO seem keen - there is a fine line between giving new parents space and seeming as if you can't be arsed.

• Advice has changed hugely over the past 30 years. Don't argue with the parents over what they have been advised to do. And never EVER say the immortal phrase: "well, we did xyz with you and you are still alive!"

• Breastfeeding babies eat all the time. Don't say "is he/she eating AGAIN?" with a shocked look on your face.

• Crying it out has (mostly) fallen out of favour. Please don't tell the parents that crying is good for the baby's lungs.

timelytess has put it far better than me!

Hi op, as a newish gran my top tips would be,

Listen, praise, support, physically help with cleaning, cooking, ironing if it's wanted let parents cuddle the baby while you help with other things. Never advise on anything unless asked. Be empathetic.

Be available to babysit when they need you.

Love my dil and am grateful she loves my ds.

Honestly it's ace.

If the grandchild has siblings (technically half if this is your first) - include them in your fussing and generosity.
Listen to the parents. Bear in mind that they may couch something politely, so listen hard!
My parents (and inlaws) were awesome. I think because they saw me as a person not just a vessel for the baby. I got the sense that they cared about me (especially from my own mum).
With retrospect my dad wasn't comfortable with me bf in front of him, but he never said a word, just busied himself making tea. There would be far too much embarrassment on both sides if I were to thank him for that, but it's noted.

My mum will tell me I spoilt my daughter because she slept in our room for 6 months and doesn't think we should listen to current guidance because it was fine in her day.

Being told you're holding him too much you'll be sorry, you'll spoil him.

Don't pick him up every time he cries he'll know that you will and cry all the time- fuck off he's a baby, he SHOULD know his mummy will pick him up every time he cries,

Bizarre comments about breastfeeding

My father asks me every time he's here and sees me feed my baba (7 months) did you put sugar in that cos you really shouldn't you know. It's fucking puréed carrots no I didn't put sugar in it you idiot!! Who does that!!!

My dad took the time to learn about current advice so I felt really supported when I was getting to grips with breast feeding. He knew all about feeding on demands and the steps for getting a good latch. He also knew about safe sleeping advice, later weaning and as I wanted to baby wear ticks. Mil knew nothing about current advice and would try to put dd down on her front.

Give baby back to mum or dad as soon as they cry. Don't rock a jaundice baby back of to sleep when mum wants to feed them.

Keep visits short. The worst experience I had was sandwiched between two relitives with one of them clutching dd when all I wanted to do was sleep. They stayed for hours including through midwife's home visit.

Ask if new parents want you to let anyone know about baby's arrival. My dad announced on facebook when he knew dd had arrived safely with our permission. My mum had a list of people to phone around.

Take pictures of the new family and don't insist new parents take lots of posed pictures of you with baby.

Texting to see if anything is needed before a visit. Or if you're in a shop.

Let them know when or if you are avaliable for support. My mum held both our newborns in the small hours when dh and I were exhausted. She was clear we could call her any time of the day or night.

Doing washing and drying was the most helpful thing ever.

If it's your dd my mum was around to help with more personal care post birth like removing residue from dressings.

Have things at your house but don't make them for when you have baby just to make visits easier. My mil tried to kit out a nursery and wanted a posh pushchair so she could do the shopping when she had the baby. My mum borrowed a bouncer and brought a changing mat for us to use when we went over and said pop over if we needed a change of sensory any time.

Ooh my parents did buy us a boot full of nappies for ds, best present ever!! (Aldi ones, brilliant) and those comments were a combination of parents and in laws!!

I have my grand child 2 days a week while my dil is on maternity leave. She can rest, do whatever in the house or see friends and I wish my mum/mil had done the for me.