To think there's no excuse for saying this to a child?

[lovelilies]

I'm purposely not setting the scene, may do later but I'm pretty sure there aren't any circumstances when it's okay for an adult to say
"If you ever swear at me again I'll rip a piece into you", to an 11 yo girl.
Are there?

So he was deliberately winding her up, she walked away muttering, and he said that to her in a menacing manner?

And he is her step-father.

It sounds a horrible situation for her. Of course she was shaken by the menace . I think it has shaken you both up just as much as it should have done , and you should not subject yourself or your Dd to him any more.

How telling that though your two year old wants to see him, he doesn't want to be alone with him.

Thank goodness you have your own house.

The lack of context wasn't helpful, OP. If he is violent and abusive, you don't need to justify every time you think his way of speaking to your DD is abusive. That's just who he is and she shouldn't be exposed to him. On the other hand, many non-violent people could say exactly the same thing and it would barely raise my eyebrow because I would know it to be figurative.

Regardless of your feelings for your ex, he obviously has anger/control issues by the sounds of it, and due to past behaviour of being physically and verbally abusive, should be allowed no where near your or anyone else's children.

If your looking for strength consider this, your children will learn behaviour from you and your ex. So therefore verbal and physical abuse becomes normalised. Before you know it you could be looking at your daughter in a violent abusive relationship, as she thinks it's normal, or your son becoming the abuser in a relationship.

You don't want that for your children. Break the cycle, break the contact with this guy. If he gets threatening as a result, seek legal and professional help asap. But I really think he's not the person who should have contact with you or the children. I would also explain this to the children once they are a lot older, so as young adults they can be influenced by him, who will undoubtedly blame you.

Maybe he'll realise and be remorseful as they grow up, but it's unlikely unfortunately

DP used to say to the kids "If you do that again, I will end you!"

Honestly, it's fine.

Bowie

The thread suggests otherwise

I wouldn't be happy leaving my two year old - or any child - with a man who had previously been abusive to a child.

He's not firmer than you, hes abusive. Did you report the physical abuse of your daughter? If you did, that'll probably be enough to seriously question his access to your other children.

That's terrible.

And yes, of course you don't want you children to be alone with him. But you also have to protect DD!!!

It seems to me like this man shouldn't be in your house.

What about meeting him in a café or park? Surrounded by plenty people and they could still see each other. If the children genuinly do want do see him...

And if you were to go to the store to buy groceries in the meantime or something... well, they'd be in a crowded park!

Only if she was 2. I tell my kids I'm going to rip off their arms and beat them with the soggy end but I doubt they actually think I'll do it.

Sorry but I would never talk to my dcs like this and I would judge badly anyone who would.

The 'it's just words' makes me uneasy really. Does it mean that verbal abuse isn't an issue because 'it's just words' too???

Besides this was said after the child had apologised etc... so really there was no need to 'tell her off' again. This should have been the end of it.

Put into the context of an abusive relationship, inwoild definitively have an issue with it. And I would look for ways to restrict contact of the two young dcs with him.
And I would not let your ur dd be in contact with him. She doesn't need to any way, he is no one for her. And you don't want him to use her to have some weight on you and carry on controlling you through her.

Use a contact centre if you must have contact
The fact that kids don't want to be alone with dad is v worrying
I've known some right knobby dads who kids adore so I would take this seriously

My mum used to threaten to wring my bloody neck. She never actually followed through and throttled me though because I made it into adulthood.

Btw, it also depends a lot on the context and the time of voice used.
Yu can say that in a nice voice, conveying that it certainly would not b something that will happen and at the same time saying how serious it was.
Or you can say it in a very serious time that will make you shake because you know he WILL do it (add that some past experience and you have one very scared child and an abusive behaviour)

My mother occasionally used to tell me to take a long walk off a short pier.

In a similar, when a child psychologist's son came to her while reclining on a sofa with a whisky and said; "Mammy! Mammy! I've found a piece of rope!" she responded; "Ach away and hang yersel wi it!"

Both would be appalling in the wrong context and funny in the right one. To say they are 'just words' ignores the power that words have, but one cannot take one utterance and conclude that there is 'no excuse' (from the OP's question) in any context.

If the OP is worried about it, the person to talk to is her DH. I am not sure any of use can express a useful opinion.

use = us

Even if he wasn't abusive... somebody saying that to anybody (unless it's clearly a joke) would make me uncomfortable.

But couple that with the fact the he does actually have an abusive personality??! Please protect your daughter.
I know how it is to live in a place where you never feel safe, where you have to be on guard constantly and can never fully relax.
I used to have my "emergency" back when I was younger it contained underwear, some photos, money, debit card, ID etc... you do not want this for your daughter. Not even 2 hours a week or something.

Huppo

Have you read the thread, or just the OP?

"I'll have your guts for garters" was heard regularly in my very loving home. Depends on whether they said it really maliciously OP. Unless there's a real threat of violence there I wouldn't worry too much.

yoda
summertime

Please read the thread. The OP should in no way be encouraged to see this as "normal" or "ok".

Oops...
summertime huppo

And yes, I agree with yoda

Oops

As NotYoda said upthread, the OP's post at the beginning of the second page does provide context and puts a very different slant on the whole thing.
Unfortunately lovelillies, it sounds like separation is needed and he does not seem the type to take it well. By all means do another Freedom Programme online but it may be just as important, if not more so, to begin planning your next move. You may have to contemplate going in early and going in hard (which is to say, use the law) as I have the gravest doubts that anything less will be able to wrest you and the 3DCs free.
If you can find the hugely long ikeawrappingpaper thread, you may find inspiration there.

Spunky

There seem to be a lot of people who can't manage to read a two page thread

On a serious subject

DD doesn't want to see him any more.
It's a shame because her real dad doesn't want to see her so she kind of saw him as her dad

The baby obviously doesn't have any say, but DS likes being with him only when I'm there too.

ExP is making out that I'm turning DS against him

I think write it looks awful but I think it's one of those sayings. My Irish grandmother use to say to her children, "I''ll skin ye alive!" which is absolutely horrific but it never felt that way in her accent. She also used to say "Ill tear the head outta ye!" Lol, she was really lovely, I promise.

written not write!!

Ok you just posted as I wrote. There is more to this than the OP. Please don't drip feed people!