To think there's no excuse for saying this to a child?

[lovelilies]

I'm purposely not setting the scene, may do later but I'm pretty sure there aren't any circumstances when it's okay for an adult to say
"If you ever swear at me again I'll rip a piece into you", to an 11 yo girl.
Are there?

He's been verbally and physically abusive in the past to both of us, supposedly changed.

I think it brought back memories of those times so shook us up more than it should tbh

Thanks for the replies

Im not familiar with that phrase but sounds like a severe telling off.

Well you are definitely being unreasonable for staying with a man who has verbally and physically abused your daughter.

That's absolutely awful.

Well that's significant context

He's using a threatening phrase to someone who has experienced the threat being carried out. That's a scary situation for a child (or adult)

It's not OK, and of course you are shaken up.

That changes things doesn't it.
I'd tell him exactly how I felt when dd was out of the way.

Blimey is that all op, just means I'll give you a good telling off. An 11 year old should know how to behave.

OP

I wonder why you chose not to mention that at the beginning?

It changes everything about the incident. You are not over-reacting. You are scared of him, and rightly so

Aeroflot

Read the Op's last post

He's been verbally and physically abusive in the past to both of us, supposedly changed.

Then yes, YABU. Why have you exposed your DD to such a man?

I have never heard the phrase you used before, so have no idea what it means, but I would not have someone why had physically and verbally abused my DD (or myself) anywhere near my family.

What are you going to do now?

Oh gosh it was said by your partner, I just saw the arsehole bit, that is not on. I'll rip you a piece, means a good telling off. But no I would not be happy at a partner telling my dd he rip her a new arsehole. He would be out the door.

I would have said without context it was a nasty thing to say. With context it obviously makes it worse.

I guess the context is what changes it all.
Last straw (again).
Thankfully I have my own house. We won't be getting back together and playing happy families now.

He's very good at being mr Nice Guy, I need to stop getting sucked in by all his false promises!
I've done the freedom program online, there aren't any RL ones around here.

I'll do it again I think

I thought the inference was 'I'll rip you a new arsehole'. I wouldn't be okay with it at all. Whatever it means. It's threatening.

And my comment was based on your first post and not others.

Good, OP

It's my DD from a previous relationship. We also have 2 DC together (2 yo and 4m).
2 yo doesn't want to be with him unless I'm there, which is kind of how we ended up 'together' again. So DS could see Daddy and also baby (who's BF).

He's verbally and physically abusive to you and dd. Please don't expose your vulnerable dd to this man. You have the power to stop this. No more now op, put dd first. This is not a nice man.

And put your others DC's first too, he is not nice, it's an act and you know it!

Based on the op, no, but based on the later drip feeds, obviously there are issues here, which op really knows.

So have you already separated?...I'm thinking things must have been OK for a long time inbetween given the ages of young DC? Hope your dd is ok.

Funny how all the replies were 'it's just a phrase' until the background of abuse was mentioned. How do people think the abuse starts?! Unkind or threatening words are ever acceptable, to adults or children, no matter what the context.

Context is everything. In a loving family set up, when your 11 year old is winding you up, that is a normal kind of thing to say. In an sbusive relationship when you are on tenterhooks looking for aggressive signs, far more worrying.

(Thank you to the poster who said punch up the bracket I had totally forgotten my dm used to say that! Made me smile, but she was very loving and that is a good memory)

To me, based on the experiences you might glean from my earlier comment. PLease leave/ protect the 11 year old. I don't believe in improvement in that violent and hateful a personality. I hope you're ok.

It's a year since we split up (I was 6weeks pg the last time he kicked off).

He says he'll never hurt the little ones... he hasn't but he is 'stricter' with DS than I am, but people may say I'm too soft on him.

He has DS 2 days and one over night a week, although I took him home last night as he was sobbing and ExP said just take him.

nutty so all the posters who say things like "I'll have your guts for garters" or "I'll tear a strip off you" are abusive parents? Right. The sort of comment which shows how ridiculous some people see things, and mn can skew what is reasonable.