To finally demand DH stops working night shifts?

[Friesontheside]

He has done forever. It's a shift pattern of days and nights. 7 in a row. Leaves the house at 4:45 and gets in at 7:45. We have three dc: a 6 month old who has never slept for longer than two hours, a 3 year old who is always tired but very difficult at bedtime and an 8 yr old who is pretty much free range downstairs from 7pm due to prolonged bedtime attempts with the little ones. Too much iPad, not enough homework etc.

I'm on maternity leave ATM so we are dependent on DH's wage. I earn about half what he earns when I work FT. I feel he could find work in his industry that does not involve such long night shifts and I'm sure we could take a hit financially, especially if I went back FT too. I know 'this too shall pass' re: small children not sleeping but I spend hours every night trying to get them into bed, and am then woken constantly by the baby. I'm knackered and can't help hating DH's guts when I'm doing it alone. I think it's taking its toll on our marriage and my mental health.

Going back to work FT, dealing with nights and weekends alone with the DC whilst juggling the work I'd take home (teacher) scares me to death.

In his defence, DH does all he can to help when he gets in, such as taking kids to school/nursery, taking baby so I can sleep for an hour or two if I'm particularly wrecked. He is only getting by on about 5/6 hours sleep himself.

So am I being a selfish princess or do I have the right to tell him things have to change now we have a bigger family?

Definitely toddler in bed first, and be really firm. I know it's really hard but with 3 young ones you need a routine.

Another thought... although the thought of managing work as well as this must be I wouldn't be surprised if in some ways it will get easier to stick to a clear routine once you're back. I know when
My 3 were little, in some ways it was easier to adhere to the routine when
I knew we'd all be up and out of the house very early.

With the eldest, it might work to allow him downstairs when the others have been put to bed, but with very strict parameters- so very limited screen time, then perhaps a story/ chat time with you. It's fair enough that he wants some sense of being older and therefore going to bed a bit later but it still needs to be a routine rather than letting him take
Control.

I agree that it's not your dh job which is the main issue here. It's how to establish a workable routine.

Also have you tried giving the baby her milk in a sippy cup? That might help the transition from being fed to sleep which is making it hard for you to stick to a routine with the other children because you're physically attached to the baby for an indefinite time

Thank you all. I'm feeling positive. Going to crack 3 yr old before I do anything else.

Also, we have a stairgate on toddler door so can't get out and mess about.

And good luck when you are knackered everything feels overwhelming

I feel your pain, my dh regularly works nights too, it's so hard keeping dc quiet when he's on nights especially at the weekends. I didn't mind so much when they were babies for some reason but now they're older I resent the night shifts more!! It definitely takes its toll on a relationship and family life in general. He is thinking about changing his hours but for now we just have to live with it. Hope it gets easier for you but you have my sympathy.

Just an update if anyone's still there. Thanks to your encouragement I have managed to get the 3 yo down in her bunk bed every night for a week by 7:30/8pm. She has bath, into bed for story then Charlie and Lola story CD and shut the door. She's not woken or come into my room once and is sleeping for 11/12 hours.

The baby has been moved into a cot in the nursery, and thanks to some gentle Andrea Grace sleep training, goes down (awake) at 7pmish and only wakes twice (about 11pm and 3am) for feeds. I will eventually try to wean him off one of those feeds but don't want to do too much too soon.

I feel so much happier/healthier and in control. DH and I have booked a babysitter for Saturday and are going out together for the first time since baby was born.

Great news! :0

Fab news. the fog of sleep deprivation was one of the toughest times of my life. Enjoy Saturday. :)