To finally demand DH stops working night shifts?

[Friesontheside]

He has done forever. It's a shift pattern of days and nights. 7 in a row. Leaves the house at 4:45 and gets in at 7:45. We have three dc: a 6 month old who has never slept for longer than two hours, a 3 year old who is always tired but very difficult at bedtime and an 8 yr old who is pretty much free range downstairs from 7pm due to prolonged bedtime attempts with the little ones. Too much iPad, not enough homework etc.

I'm on maternity leave ATM so we are dependent on DH's wage. I earn about half what he earns when I work FT. I feel he could find work in his industry that does not involve such long night shifts and I'm sure we could take a hit financially, especially if I went back FT too. I know 'this too shall pass' re: small children not sleeping but I spend hours every night trying to get them into bed, and am then woken constantly by the baby. I'm knackered and can't help hating DH's guts when I'm doing it alone. I think it's taking its toll on our marriage and my mental health.

Going back to work FT, dealing with nights and weekends alone with the DC whilst juggling the work I'd take home (teacher) scares me to death.

In his defence, DH does all he can to help when he gets in, such as taking kids to school/nursery, taking baby so I can sleep for an hour or two if I'm particularly wrecked. He is only getting by on about 5/6 hours sleep himself.

So am I being a selfish princess or do I have the right to tell him things have to change now we have a bigger family?

Of course she could look for a FT job now, but while her husband works nights she will have no support with bed time or the difficult nights. Holding down that FT job doesn't seem practical until her husband gets a day job, if one is available.

You sound exhausted, but you both must have realised the situation before going ahead with number three?

Theres no way you could work FT at the moment, it would kill you and your relationship.

Of course she could look for a FT job now, but while her husband works nights she will have no support with bed time or the difficult nights

She could do supply work on the weeks when he works days.

So am I being a selfish princess or do I have the right to tell him things have to change now we have a bigger family?

Well, you don't have the right to tell him things have to change.

If he changes shifts then he won't be able to take the children to school and take the baby to give you a break not he day. No doubt you would find that exhausting too. You need to talk about how you see it working and agree upon a way forward. What would you say if your DH posted a thread saying something like "AIBU to tell my wife she has to give up work to look after the children so I can earn enough to support our family"

The 8 year old, should be able to do their own bed time and should be able to do their homework with minimal input from you whilst you are doing bedtime for the middle or younger one. You need to get firm with the 3 year old about bed time - do they sleep on the same room as the older one? If not, try putting the older one to bed at the same time although the oldest is allowed to play quietly in their room or do homework until ?pm. Is the 3 yr old playing up because their sibling is still upd doing stuff?

Is the problem actually the night shifts or do have you need to sort out bedtimes instead?

(Credentials: XH left when I was pregnant with DC3 so I've done the whole lot alone)

I don't understand how a day shift would mean more help? Around me, people tend to be in the train around 6.30am, and come back between 8 and 10pm. When one of the parent is part-time, or SAH, s/he is on his own too. It's bloody hard, but most people can't survive on part time jobs when they both get home a 4pm. How many families where dad works a second job in the evening to survive?

I understand you are exhausted OP, most parents are, but I feel sorry for your DH who works long hours, helps at home and by your post does his best to take care of his family.

Did you not know his shift patterns before you decided to have 3 kids?
Or, did you not discuss this before deciding to have a third child?

Too many people just keep having kids without a plan.

Reading your post, I was horrified that bedtimes are such chaos for you....I was very very strict with them with 3 DDs; we had a rule of no after school activities, very chilled evenings with outside play, tea by 5.30, bath, story and asleep by 7.30pm at latest. Same every night. Could you ask someone to watch your baby for a few evenings so you can try and get a routine going?? Your 8 year old won't hurt having a bath with the 3 yr old and going to bed early, even if they are allowed to read quietly for a bit. We also had a rule of no TV/computer after tea as I'm sure it over stimulates their brain. You can't function with 3 kids and have that chaos every night, the fact you say your 3 year old is always tired means he's not getting enough sleep. Putting a routine in isn't easy, you have to be tough and consistent but the benefits outweigh the effort. I always had time in the evenings for myself then, and it was my sanity!! And trust me, your kids are a lot nicer when they're not constantly tired.

What is his actual shift pattern? Most include days, nights, x amount of days off.

When my DH worked shifts it actually worked out as FAR more time at home across the month, than working days only.

It sounds like you struggle when he is on nights - how many nights does he actually do in a month?

I'm a full time teacher, with one child and a dh who works long days and is away 1-2 nights a week. The thought of doing ft teaching with three children is horrific, even with dh not working away. It is bloody knackering with one child and I really can't see how you think you'd be less tired.

You need to sort out a bedtime routine and remove the iPad. That will help immeasurably - taking a full time job will, imo, break you much more.

however you would like him to work 9-5 be sleep deprived like you but unlike you he then has to go and hold down a job...

Read the OP ffs. She is a teacher looking to go back to work. She's done the vast majority of the over nights for 8 years. Night shifts affect all your life as well as you can't just swap your sleep schedule back at weekends. She would like to attempt being a family on a normal pattern so BOTH of them do the overnights and BOTH of them work.

Not selfish at all imo. You need to talk to him.

It sounds as though the OP is currently teaching part time (she describes herself as on maternity leave.) I think she needs to be very careful to not just exchange one set of problems for another, in wanting her dh to change Hours

At the moment he takes the kids to school in the morning- he won't be able to do that if he's worked daytime hours, so they'll both be having to get 3 young children up and off to childcare. OP says the 3 yr old is always tired- mornings aren't going to be much fun then.

As a teacher and mum of 3 (now grown up) I remember how hard the morning routine was... dh was a teacher too; we'd have to dress and feed 3 little ones and get them dropped at childcare, drive to work and be in by 8am latest. It's tough. The OP is struggling with evenings at the moment, but mornings could turn out to be even more stressful as she'll have the added pressure of getting into work on time. Kids playing up at bedtime can be hellish, but at least it's not risking you being late for work- having your boss on your case if you're struggling to get into work on time will be far worse.

I think rather than just having a hypothetical idea that she'll get a f/t teaching job and everything will be fine, the OP and her Dh need to chuck everything in the discussion pot- how to improve the evening routine, how the mornings would work if both have to be out early (and indeed how you would source and fund the extra childcare because if the dh is currently taking the older kids to school, then they're saving a lot of money that way)

Not selfish at all. It sounds like tough times for both of you at the minute. Have you brought this up with him before? Maybe he'd like to change his hours but feels like he has to support the family financially so can't.

Sit down when you have some time just the 2 of you (not sure how easy that is at the minute) and put the idea forward. Say you'd like him home more often, you and the children miss him and you think that it would be better that when you return to work for him to find more family friendly hours so that you are both sharing the domestic duties more evenly as well as getting more time together.

She could do supply work, but that isn't necessarily a better solution. It is not unreasonable for her to want to go back to work full time and have her husband's support with nights.

I can work FT to mop up any loss of earnings incurred from his shorter shifts. I just want him around more.

Isn't full time child care for 2 going to mop up a lot of what you earn? He earns twice as much as your full time pay at the moment.

Yes I do work FT as a teacher (when not on maternity). It was very hard especially at weekends when DH was working or sleeping after night shift. I somehow managed with 2 DC. The baby has changed the game.

Ok, will look into bedtime and sleeping. I'm not a hippy organic let them wander around all night parent BTW, it's just all routines seem to have been blown out of the window as I try to get a non sleeping, Velcro baby into a crib at night by myself. Oldest DS does his best to help but the 3 yr old takes ages to settle. And she wakes the baby on the occasions he does have a couple of hours in his crib. It's so exhausting. Some days I actually do not know how I am going to get through this.

It can be really shitty when your other half works shifts. Mine works 84 hours a week (3 days 4 nights or 4 days 3 nights) with a short break in between shifts and it's not just him not being there for the night shifts, it's the cumulative sleep deprivation meaning the first rest day is always a write off too. I get fed up not being able to plan much either as I work full time and have a lengthy commute. It's easier for us as our son is almost an adult - would your partner be able to find a job with a fixed shift pattern (either days or nights) so he won't find it so tiring swapping between day and nights?

3 dc is a game changer and now my 3rd sleeps and goes to bed with the 5 year old it is easier. But I struggled getting them all to bed before, I particularly wasn't on the ball with the 8 year old's homework either.

But it will get easier, you basically need more sleep! What time do they all get home ? Can you squeeze homework in early and then dinner bath and bed straight after ?

Thanks for your messages though.
DH does 7 day shifts (leaving at 5am returning 7:30pm so helps with the bedtime overspill), has 3 days off (lovely), then the 7 night shifts and another 4 days off.
Yes, returning FT will take most of my salary before the 3 yr old starts school but I want to keep my career (and pension) going. I'm UPS 1 with a TLR, just in case any teachers are reading. I'm dreading the juggling.

Sorry, OP again.
Any more ideas to help with bedtimes?
It's the logistics really... where is the baby while I'm reading stories? All in together? Bath time is fine as baby and DD bath together and DS1 has a shower if he's particularly stinky/muddy.
DS1 is allowed back down in pjs for tv while I sing nursery rhymes and try to leave DD in her bed and put baby down (BF to sleep usually).
I then go back down to watch a bit of tv with DS but inevitably one of the little ones starts crying/calling so off I go again. DS1 is often downstairs on his own for a while until eventually we go up and I collapse into bed with the baby who attaches himself to my boob and finally I can drift off for a bit.
We've just put DS1 and DD in together so that we can move baby into small room. It's not going well... she has now started coming in with me and the baby in the middle of the night, always just as baby has finally unlatched... I realise how fucking ridiculous this all sounds...

So he does shift patterns of day and night? How are things when he is on day shifts? Do you get a lot more help?

I think you're exhausted and working hard and he's working hard too. I think you both need to sit down and talk about the affect it's having on you and how you're not coping. I don't think it's precious to talk about your feelings. He'll understand I'm sure I just don't know if he'lol agree.

He'll

Three DC here. 5months, nearly 3 and 7.

Dh is gone early in morning and rarely back for bedtime.

Bedtime routine.
All in bath together. Youngest in last, out first.
Dress baby whilst other two in bath.
Clean teeth in bath.
Get toddler out and dressed.
Eldest gets self out and dressed.
Read story in bed with toddler whilst feeding baby. Then firm goodnight, door shut.
Meanwhile eldest is reading to self in bed. (In your case would get him to do this in your bed).
Continue feeding baby whilst reading story to eldest. At some point able to put baby in cot and then either downstairs for me or carry on reading to eldest. She's allowed to read for a bit by herself and once a week is allowed a later night with me.

Thanks SEsofty. So are you ruthless about toddler in bed first? Makes sense. Mine's just such hard work, she'll happily lark about for ages and yell for me, get out of bed, come in while I'm putting baby down and wake him etc... her being massively overtired is making her behaviour awful. My 8 yr old will be disgusted about not being allowed back down to channel surf but I know I'm the parent and need to get tough. I used to be, I promise, I'm just so bloody tired!

Sleep deprivation is truly awful, but focusing on your dh's job, isn't the answer because that's not the core problem here.
Hope you get something sorted.

Yes get the eldest to read to herself