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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doctors/nurses/HCPs! AIBU to ask you about male/female bowel movements?

118 replies

LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea · 29/10/2016 11:03

Is there some great difference between males and females in bowel terms that inevitably leads to male shits taking a minimum of 20 minutes while female ones always take 10 min or less? I am constantly amazed at how long DH takes on the pot.

The loo is very close to our kitchen so it's not exactly an oasis of peace, plus we have intrusive small children and no lock on the door. I can't see why he'd actively choose to set up home in there (wifi reception poor in there too!). We eat the same baseline diet (I'm vegan; he adds meat and dairy to his meals) but I don't remember taking this long even when I ate those things as well.

Please can someone advise as to any biological reason why his poos take forever?! I've quizzed him as to whether all men are like this but he's remaining reticent on the issue Grin

OP posts:
BreconBeBuggered · 30/10/2016 01:15

No idea. I should be bunged up to buggery with years' worth of codeine, but high volumes of dietary fibre plus being ripped from arse to elbow during childbirth means that when I go it's a swift, if not urgent, process.
DH on the other hand has actually put 2 bookcases in the downstairs toilet, allegedly to store his textbooks but in reality to offer a wide choice of 'study' material during his lengthy visits. I'm not averse to a little light reading myself in this kind of situation, but rarely progress beyond half a page of speedreading.

aurynne · 30/10/2016 01:30

After talking to many men about this issue (yes, I have a number of male friends I can talk poos with :P) I have reached the conclusion that there is indeed an anatomical and physiological reason for this mystery: men actually enjoy the act of pooing (instead of finding it simply a bodily function that gives women mild relief), it gives them a little bit of pleasure due to the rubbing of the colon against the prostrate (a strong erogenous spot that we don't have). A friend of mine managed to give himself an orgasm a particular day he was a bit constipated.

So yes, a poo for many men is not simply removing waste, it is actually the chance to sit down and enjoy a little pleasure while they read the paper.

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/10/2016 03:39

Oh..

It would appear I am a man.

I learned the art of the tactical shit very early on - dash straight to the upstairs loo on coming in from shopping = avoid lugging loads from the car to the house, unpacking and the dreaded Trip Down The Cellar (the freezer lived down there)... I'd have been about 6 when I cottoned on to this wheeze!

The outdoor khazi is no impediment to lengthy loo breaks at all, we had one at our cottage in Wales for years before the bathroom indoors was built - just put on a big coat, pick a book and out you go - you know its time to come in when you can't feel your bum or your legs any more!

My mum threatened to cut the seat square so it would be less comfy!

Most of my reading is done on the loo and if we had room there'd be a book case in there. We don't so there is just a pile of books!

P1nkP0ppy · 30/10/2016 03:49

It's another male trait your mother failed to tell you about 😟. Beats me how DH can spend up to 40 minutes in there.

HiDBandSIL · 30/10/2016 06:04

Wanking obv. Any question about men can usually be correctly explained by reference to wanking.

Original poster
LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea · 30/10/2016 06:10

But the door is never locked and is at constant risk of being flung open by small children, HiDB. Surely no-one's that desperate for 'private time'? He's never been caught anyway Confused

OP posts:
Shiningexample · 30/10/2016 07:12

Its looking like some men are taking the opportunity to use this as a tool to control the household, everyone has to be subjected to the routines imposed by his bodily functions

Mouthofmisery · 30/10/2016 07:23

Just asked DH as I too have noticed this. I told him I include it in his leisure time / kid free time. He says he takes ages to avoid me!! It's annoying and is a waste of time!!

Emberfirefly · 30/10/2016 07:27

DH takes ages and seems to go a couple of times a day, he's very good at deciding he has to go just before we are about to go out (two small children who need shoes and coats putting on etc). DS 1 goes without fail as soon as he gets in from school and spends a good half hour in the bathroom. DS 2 likes to take his time and often seems to wait until I'm just about to serve tea. DS3 who is still in nappies doesn't seem to have acquired this habit yet - he just goes red in the face, retreats to a quiet corner of a room and is done in 30 seconds. Me, I just feel the urge to go and out it comes. Takes less than a minute.

Original poster
LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea · 30/10/2016 07:46

I should say that we have male DC and they often declare a need to go during lunch/dinner. I am very close to imposing a blanket ban on leaving the table at those times as they inevitably take ages. It's not like they don't get fair warning that we're about to sit down to eat...

OP posts:
WeAreEternal · 30/10/2016 09:29

DH works his daily 'sitting' into his morning bathroom routine.
He takes a coffee in with him, showers, shaves, does his teeth (with his over the top dentist level toothbrush) and does' his business'.
It's always amused me how he can work it into a routine like that, I just go when I feel the need.

I do think with men it's a lot about sitting and waiting for it to happen.

BowieFan · 30/10/2016 09:46

The most annoying thing is that the cats respect DP/DS1/DS2's toilet time and leave them to it. When I'm on the toilet, they're headbutting the door, shoving their paws under it, making loud noises to get my attention etc until I eventually let them in. Little shits.

GinAndOnIt · 30/10/2016 09:50

Bowie my cat sits in front of me looking up at me purring when I'm on the loo. Really bloody offputting.

TallulahBetty · 30/10/2016 09:53

Same here. DH goes 3 times a day for 20 mins. I'm only jealous- I'd love to produce even once a day! Halloween Envy

BowieFan · 30/10/2016 09:54

GinAndOnIt

The cats seem attached to me for some reason. Whenever I have a bath they're always sitting round the bath watching me. At least it's not as bad as the dogs, who try to get in the bath with me.

I must be like Dr Dolittle or something!

Shiningexample · 30/10/2016 09:57

Don't most people need to go at a regular time of day, say after meals or when they first get up?

Shiningexample · 30/10/2016 10:04

I think much of this ties in with men being a little more likely than women to feel justified iin prioritising their physiological needs \ physical comfort and convenience

cocoabuttersosoft · 30/10/2016 11:59

Funny how men joke about women spending ages getting ready, in the bathroom doing hair/makeup etc. Yet they spend hours in there doing nothing!

EBearhug · 30/10/2016 12:03

my cat sits in front of me looking up at me

We had one which did this - however, if we ever came across him in the garden when he was doing his thing, he'd get all huffy and turn his back. He definitely considered it a private moment when he was doing it, but humans weren't allowed the same respect. (He was a male cat, yes.)

GinAndOnIt · 30/10/2016 12:12

EBear GinCat will happily sidle up next to where I'm gardening to..ahem..relieve himself, but I can't help but feel a bit embarrassed and refuse to look at him Grin

DropZoneOne · 30/10/2016 12:20

My DH does this too. Asks if anyone needs the toilet before he goes in, then gets mightily fed up if, 20 minutes later, DC bangs on the door. She's 8, she doesn't know she'll need a wee at some point in the next half an hour. What's clear though is that he's done his business and is just sitting there reading because after much grumbling, the loo will flush and he'll come out.

OzzieFem · 30/10/2016 12:28

Oops. Perhaps I need gender realignment? Unless it's urgent I generally end up taking something to read or do a Sudoku while on the loo and can be in there for 20 mins. My niece is the same, (but no Sudoku), however she can take up to half an hour. Apparently her dad is just the same in length of time spent in the little room and does a stinker with splatter every time.

Drives my sister nuts, as she complains when she is in there for a poo, someone always wants to use it so she has to rush.

2kids2dogsnosense · 30/10/2016 13:45

The most annoying thing is that the cats respect DP/DS1/DS2's toilet time

Respect it . . . or are totally repulsed by it . . . .?

The cats seem attached to me for some reason. Whenever I have a bath they're always sitting round the bath watching me. At least it's not as bad as the dogs, who try to get in the bath with me.

This happens to me, too - cats gently batting the bubbles and dogs leaping in with me and then out again . . . and in . . . and out . . .ad bloody infinitum. (Yes - I could shut them out, but then they all sit and cry/wail and claw things)

2kids2dogsnosense · 30/10/2016 13:49

Choclateyclair

outside, unheated privies
That's basically a shed with a toilet in it - if we'd have had one of those growing up my Dad would never have wanted to come into the house

Tea coming down my nose here Grin

HappenstanceMarmite · 30/10/2016 14:55

Knocking one out. Simple.

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