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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

relationship ended. do I owe his family an explanation?

99 replies

advancetogo · 28/10/2016 22:06

We were in a relationship for just over 3 years. Never moved in together.

I started off liking his family but gradually started to hate them. I found them to be controlling, judgmental and disapproving of anyone who lives and thinks differently to what they consider normal.

I really tried to make it work. Nodded and went along with things at first. Then I started speaking out a bit and politely (I think) stood my ground on differing views.

It all went completely pear shaped though when I (again, I think) politely turned down an invitation to a family event as I was booked to go away on a business trip that weekend. The proverbial hit the fan and histrionics ensued.

Fed up of the drama, I pulled further and further away until I was practically NC with them.

Meanwhile it was, unsurprisingly, affecting the relationship and eventually it broke.

It's been about a fortnight now since we broke up. And I've just received an email from ex's father complaining that I hadn't been in touch, that I should have the decency to at least talk to them about the end of the relationship.

AIBU to ignore the email?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 28/10/2016 22:35

Ignore, ignore, ignore. If you'd got on really well with them then it might have been nice of you to say goodbye but even then you wouldn't owe them an explanation.

YuckYuckEwwww · 28/10/2016 22:42

I was gonna say YABU from the title but hell no! they can fuck off!

I would feel I'ld owe it to my PILs to tell them what was going on if I broke up with DH but they have become family, but actually they'ld mainly just wanna know if I was okay because they're nice. In your case, no!

2kids2dogsnosense · 28/10/2016 22:46

It's none of their damn business!

Let them ask their son if they're that bothered.

(But I like fabulous's idea Grin )

girlywhirly · 28/10/2016 22:47

You'd think that he would be the one to say that the relationship had ended to his parents. You don't have to speak to them at all. When my first marriage ended I spoke to my parents, EX spoke to his. Interestingly, the parents talked to each other and said that they were still friends, mainly for the benefit of DS, their grandchild.

In the circumstances you describe OP, where there is no longer a good relationship between you and your partners parents, you are under no obligation to explain yourself.

ratspeaker · 28/10/2016 22:49

Much as it might be cathartic to say something to them I'd not reply.
They sound like the sort of people who would pick apart anything you say and twist it, or start demanding more explanation.
Its not their business

AyeAmarok · 28/10/2016 22:50

Damia's one you quoted. Nice little covert explanation.

ollieplimsoles · 28/10/2016 22:50

Id love to 'explain myself' if this were me. I'd be tempted to tell them all how batshit crazy they were...

Original poster
advancetogo · 28/10/2016 22:51

Yes, it's a good one isn't it. I'm just composing it now...

OP posts:
justilou · 28/10/2016 22:59

Sounds like you have really dodged a bullet there! Can you imagine being stuck with that lot on the periphery of your life? You'd end up feeling like a lone goldfish in a tank being repeatedly tapped on by kids! If you write anything at all, how about "It is not appropriate for you to contact me. Nor is it normal. Please don't waste your time asking me for an explanation. I owe you nothing. Don't contact me again."

Original poster
advancetogo · 28/10/2016 23:00

Dear ex's DF,
Just replying to your email. Yes, unfortunately like a lot of relationships, ex and I didn't work out in the end.
I'll always remember you and your family. Good luck with everything, and I hope ex finds someone perfect for you in the future.
Yours,
Advance

practically word for word (thanks Damia!)

What do you think? Too harsh?

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/10/2016 23:00

Walk away from the crazy.

Getting no reply will drive them mad.

Original poster
advancetogo · 28/10/2016 23:01

have replaced a lot of with some. A lot sounded unbalanced...

OP posts:
Original poster
advancetogo · 28/10/2016 23:05

("some" was Damia's original suggestion)

OP posts:
Benedikte2 · 28/10/2016 23:05

That sounds great Advance. If they have any intelligence they will be trying to work out exactly what you mean, yet it's a perfectly civil email.
Good luck to you too

Ohdearducks · 28/10/2016 23:08

I'd be tempted to write back and say given that it's none of their fucking business it hadn't occurred to you to explain yourself to them, but as you've got them on the line so to speak the truth is they're a bunch of overbearing, controlling, bitter and spiteful fuckwits and you couldn't bare to be connected to them in any way shape or form for any longer, you'll miss DP and hope he manages to somehow excise himself from their death grip sometime in the near future, all the best, have a nice life and fuck off.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 28/10/2016 23:11

Just send "Bye!"

BerylStreep · 28/10/2016 23:11

I don't think you should reply. It only suggests to him that it is acceptable to contact you in that way.

Ignore, ignore ignore.

Original poster
advancetogo · 28/10/2016 23:14

Thanks Benedikte2

Have just sent it!

OP posts:
PickAChew · 28/10/2016 23:16

Hell no! And if they badger for one, make it clear they they really would rather not hear what you have to say!

PickAChew · 28/10/2016 23:20

But that reply is so very perfect :D

Original poster
advancetogo · 28/10/2016 23:31

Wow. It feels good to have sent that! I always worried about coming across as too tough with them (I don't have the same hang-up at work!) but of course it ended up a classic "give an inch take a mile" situation. For which I bear my fair share of responsibility.

But now I never have to deal with them again! Woo hoo! Wine {celebrates]

OP posts:
PickAChew · 29/10/2016 00:05

Nice one Wine

Original poster
advancetogo · 29/10/2016 00:15

Wink PickAChew

OP posts:
TheStoic · 29/10/2016 02:31

I think that was a great email. And yes he was completely nuts for contacting you.

I look forward to his response. Grin

violetbunny · 29/10/2016 03:40

I would be very surprised if this was the end of it. I expect they the type of people who thrive on this sort of thing and just want to get a response out of you so they can ramp up the drama another notch. Expect them to come back with some sort of reaction to provoke you further.

You are best to walk away if (when) this happens.