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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my stepdad to write a book about my son?

85 replies

NoCapes · 26/10/2016 12:07

Weird one

My Mum recently told me that my Stepdad is writing a book, so the next time I saw him naturally I asked him what kind of book it was/what it was about
He told me it was about a little boy called and magical adventures he goes on through play basically
Then as he goes on it transpires that he's using real life situations/stories/things that have actually happened, in the book - some things that my Stepdad wasn't even there when they happened and only knows about them because I or ExP have told him about

Now I feel really wierd about this, I kind of feel like it's a bit of an invasion of privacy; they are our family stories and memories and I don't want them in a bloody book
I'm not on social media and I don't like when others put things about my kids on social media, so I'm not sure why he thinks writing a book about them would be appropriate
Surely if anyone was going to write a book about a child it should be the parents? Or he should've got our permission or something?
Also, I've got 3 children, and my brother has children, yet this book is solely about Ds1 - I find that a bit weird too

I don't know if I'm being weird and precious (I'm sure you'll all tell me ) and I know realistically only a handful of people are probably going to read this book but still, the whole thing just feels...weird to me, I just don't like it or really want it to happen
AIBU?

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 26/10/2016 13:01

Ketsby · 26/10/2016 13:04

It is pretty odd, but on the other hand, it sounds pretty dismal ("I'm going to write down a series of bland family anecdotes") and I doubt he's going to be the next big hit. It takes more than putting pen to paper to create a good story.

Original poster

NoCapes · 26/10/2016 13:06

Yes Miscellaneous that's how it feels and I couldn't figure it out, it feels like he's trying to 'own' the memories, some of which aren't even his! Yes!
It feels invasive
And even if it is just family and friends reading, they'll be talking to him about my Childs memories and I'll be sat there thinking "you wasn't even fucking there!!?!"

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 26/10/2016 13:08

I think he can write what he likes

Original poster

NoCapes · 26/10/2016 13:10

Oh and yes the favouritism - Ds1 was the first Grandson, following my brothers' 2 girls and though I expected he would be seen as a bit special, this is taking favouritism to a whole new level really isn't it
Unless like PP have suggested and he's going to write one for each child (though you'd think he'd do the oldest first) - saying that though Ds1's book and DD's would be almost exactly the same as they're inseparable, so that's pretty unlikely to be the case

OP posts:

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 26/10/2016 13:10

I wouldn't worry too much, you can be 99.9% sure it won't get published (I work for a Children's Publisher).

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 26/10/2016 13:11

Vanity publishing!? Pfft

Mia1415 · 26/10/2016 13:14

I think its really sweet!

JoffreyBaratheon · 26/10/2016 13:16

Well unless he's an established writer, or has already sold it/been commissioned, it will go straight to the slush pile with the other unsolicited manuscripts of a similar nature.

My ex once wrote a kids' book using my son's name, same type of tripe. Didn't faze me as I knew it was never going to see the light of day.

What's creepy about it is thinking a step relative is so, er, obsessed by your child. I say that as someone who grew up in a step family. If my step mother was writing books around the subject of my kids (she was also an unpublished 'Author'), I'd be mroe than a little squicked out by it. So I get why it's making you feel uncomfortable.

LogicallyLost · 26/10/2016 13:18

i think it's fine and you are being a bit precious...sorry.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 26/10/2016 13:22

I think you are way over thinking this tbh.

Original poster

NoCapes · 26/10/2016 13:26

Possibly Piglet I do tend to do that

OP posts:

SpaceUnicorn · 26/10/2016 13:27

Vanity publishing!? Pfft

Was vanity publishing mentioned? If so I missed that.

The OP mentioned that her stepdad had previously self-published a book. Vanity publishing and and self-publishing are not the same thing.

Ladybunnyfluff · 26/10/2016 13:31

Didn't end too well for the real Alice either. I'd find it a bit weird that he singled out your son!

AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2016 13:36

Imaginary stories based on a fun real situation I think I'd be OK with, i.e. 'Johnny went on a camping trip to XXX (real family trip) and XXX magical thing happened'. But I wouldn't be OK with the sharing of embarrassing stories, fears, habits, or 'negative' things, i.e. 'Johnny went on a camping trip and accidentally wet his pants but it was ok in the end because XXX magical thing happened' or such.

Unless 'Johnny' is old enough to OK having his name used then it shouldn't be used. A 10 year old might read the stories (before publishing) and say yes or no. A 6 year old wouldn't understand the implication of being 'the boy in the stories'.

OVienna · 26/10/2016 13:38

Yes it would annoy me for the reasons you've stated but I agree the risk of him getting published is low. Ask him outright to change the name and anonymise the stories and make the point of including the other children throughout the book - so it's not just about the one golden grandchild. That will also probably make it a bit trickier to complete the task....

user1474627704 · 26/10/2016 13:42

If he gets an agent/publisher it'll be a copyright nightmare and he won't get very far

Nonsense. If he writes the stories, it is his copyright. OP has none over her childs life experience. Nobody owns memories, until its written down, and then he will own the copyright.

ImissGrannyW · 26/10/2016 13:42

I'd be uncomfortable too... If he was taking stories/situations/etc from ALL the children and bundling them all up under one child that would make more sense, but to single out one child and name him... no, not sitting right with me.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 26/10/2016 13:47

I write and would never use my child's name or that of my husband and try to stay away from personal stories too. But then again I would never use my real name as my author name either.

OVienna · 26/10/2016 13:50

If he was taking stories/situations/etc from ALL the children and bundling them all up under one child that would make more sense.

An entirely reasonable suggestion to make.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/10/2016 13:57

Published, serious writers mine their families and acquaintances for material all the time. Normal for a writer I'd say.

Sounds like it's just a hobby for your SF, so barely anyone will read it.

If it bothers you enough to mention it then you could suggest he might think about whether he is 'a writer' or 'a father' first. If really 'a writer' you might change how you relate to him and what you tell him. I'd imagine that loss of familial closeness would be more important to him than this particular subject matter.

Don't you think it's a nice thing though, that he feels so much part of your family that your family stories are his family stories too?

But, I think you're being precious.

Why not choose one child as his subject? Lots of children's books have one named protagonist, not 'the xy family' for the very good reason that it encourages identification with that character, seeing things from their pov, creating 'the world of ds1'. Others might be supporting characters but multi-subject stories, especially with multiple pov, are very complex to write and read - not often done in young children's books.

I'd suggest that what is bothering you is the realisation that your family stories about ds1 are not yours to own and control. Not only does someone else have their own understanding and perspective on those stories, he is daring to speak them out loud! But, that's life. That's every situation, every conversation you've ever experienced. Your version of those stories is just - and only- that. You own the experience within your head only. Everyone else experiences the 'same thing' differently - all the time. You cannot own others' thoughts.

So I understand your surprise but at the same time, find it misguided. Unless there's something else going on that makes you uncomfortable.

Original poster

NoCapes · 26/10/2016 14:05

Thankyou for the understanding post lottie I am a bit of a control freak, especially over my children, and I try really really hard not to vocalise it as I realise I sound a bit nuts tbh
DS1 was a very very poorly baby (and still isn't the healthiest of children now at 7) he spent the majority of his first 2 years in and out of hospital, so the times that he wasn't in hospital I tried to make extra special and a lot of them are very precious memories and moments of happiness in what was a very difficult time for me, so the ones that are being included in somebody else's book kind of feel like they're being ... stolen from me - like I said I'm aware that I sound a little bit nuts though

I think I might try to gently suggest he change the name and/or include the other grandchildren maybe just as 'supporting roles' and see what he says
Obviously I can't suggest he change everything, it isn't my book

OP posts:

Original poster

NoCapes · 26/10/2016 14:07

Oh and he very much is part of our family, he is the DC's only grandfather (I don't talk to my biological Dad and ExP doesn't know who his father is) in not even sure the kids know that he isn't my real Dad tbh, so the family stories are definitely his too

OP posts:

user1476869312 · 26/10/2016 14:07

The most you can ask is that he changes the name (which most decent authors do anyway). You do not own these stories, even if they happened to you.
You might also think about your relationship with the stepfather and whether you want to preserve it. Because you could get all pissy and demand that he stops writing the book, or that he changes it in all sorts of ways, which would probably cause a family row with lasting effects. Or you could wish him well with his book and not worry about it. As PP said, it probably won't sell that many copies: children's books are a hugely competitive market, so it will probably sink without trace and you will have made a big fuss about nothing.
As to telling him to change the story and include the rest of the family - easy to see your'e not a writer (and probably not much of a book lover). Writers draw on things that have happened to write the story that is in their heads. None of us want someone clueless, flapping around and telling us to put more dog walks in it, or change the main character into someone else.

Londonmamabychance · 26/10/2016 14:08

I'd say if you feel weird about it, that's your right and amternal instinct. You should bring it up to him in a polite way and encourage him to include the other kids or to make it less specific. When you feel weird about something there's most often a good reason for it and it's for no one to decide you're being precious.

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