Should I be honest with friend about her childcare issues

[Waiting4cakes]

So my friend has asked me for advice but I'm not sure I should be honest with her.
Friend has 3 DCs (9,6 and 5) and she and her husband work full time so for the past 3 years or so they have had a nanny look after the DCs during the week.
However they have never had a nanny for more than 6 months as they keep leaving. The most recent has handed her notice in after 2 months.

Usually when she tells me they have left I just say something vague and change the subject but she has asked me over text today why I think they are leaving.

But I believe the problem is my friend.
For example she tells the nannies not to give the DCs sweets but then if the DCs come home and tell her the nanny wouldn't buy them sweets she will tell the nanny off for not spoiling the DCs. If the nanny does buy the DCs sweets then she tells them off for not following her instruction.

She will ask then to work for an extra half hour or so and then forget to pay them for a few weeks.

She asks the nannies to do too much with the DCs so for example in the 3 hours between getting home from school to friend coming home from work she expects the DCs to have done.
All their homework, music practice for at least half an hour, have eaten something, have had at least an hour of exercise and outdoors time, to have made the DCs clean their room and the living room and kitchen, to have done a creative activity like painting or drawing and that all their school stuff is ready for the next day.

She has also refused to allow time off for illness or hospital appointment and made them take unpaid leave.

And that's just the stuff I know about.
So should I be honest with her and tell her I think it's her fault or should I just lie.

I suspect you may loose your friend if you tell her the entire truth, some things can't be unsaid. But tbh she sounds like a nightmare, so maybe it could be worth it?!

Waiting4cakes have not read all posts, sorry. But Oh those poor kids. How awful to have a sucssesion of people looking after them one after the other and maybe to even worry that it is their fault (the kids) that they keep leaving!

I think take the advice of ilovesooty "You could always ask her why she thinks they're leaving..."

That is what I would do, get her to tell you. In the end I think you need to bite the bullet and just tell her you have heard or seen XYZ and you think that is the problem.

Yes, you may lose her as a friend but I am not sure that I would want to know all that about a person and then not be able to say anything. She sounds horrible as an employer and if I were her kids I think I would feel quite neglected.

Oh sorry just seen... "I have messaged her asking why she thinks they are leaving, she replied saying that she thinks that the nannies are usually young and aren't used to working and just want an easy ride. That they try to take advantage of her because she doesn't look like someone who could afford to employ a nanny."

Well, "That they try to take advantage of her because she doesn't look like someone who could afford to employ a nanny." does not make any sense to me at all.

I was an au pair many, many years ago. It was shit. I'd never recommend anyone to do that job. For me the living in component was the main problem, I never felt totally off duty, had a tiny room and the kids would come in my room.

But she has nanny's not au pairs so presumably there are rules about employment for nanny's as there are for au pairs? Do they live in?

I guess one issue is how do you properly supervise someone whose job is to be at home caring for your kids when you are not there?

If it is not working out why not re-think and find a different child care option that works better? or work life balance.

She seems unreasonable to me.
Can you sit down with her and get to draw up a timetable for easy child, with each of the activities and timings written down.
She might see just how unreasonable she is being, though it's doubtful in her case.
It's a good idea for her to get feedback from the agency, she might not like what they say, but they are at least getting paid for telling her how it is.
Does the Nanny have to take the children to after school activities, does she pay the nanny for fuel?
It's terrible that she doesn't pay them on time and sometimes not the correct pay. I'm guessing she's paying minimum wage or cash in hand.
I employ carers, they cook tea for my three,the need to chill and unwind after their college days. Slightly different as my three are young adults with autism.
Carers deal with letters brought home, making sure that they each have travel passes and money for lunch and trips out, they do baths etc, we have a book staff write in so it's clear what's been done. They also do stuff like washing ironing and sometimes trips out.

When a new nanny starts does she spend the first week with the nanny so she can see what is expected of her, it also should highlight just how unreasonable she is being. Plus she will get to know the children.
I think that she's trying to get her nanny to do everything so that when she gets home it's all sorted, she needs to employ someone for longer hours, and pay them a proper and timely wage.

It's not fair on the children to have had so many nannies, I'm sure they've given up accepting each new nanny, hardly worth investing time getting to know one when they leave so frequently.

You could try googling what is an acceptable timetable for an after school nanny and show her...that may give her a more realistic view of what she should be expecting????

I would definitely ask her why she thinks they are leaving and use words like do you think your expectation of what their role is clearly matches theirs . See where the conversation goes from there. At the end of the day it's her issue but those children will not be happy either having lots of different Nannies so in having the
conversation you are trying to do some good

She doesn't sound like a particularly nice person. Don't think you will gain anything by telling her the truth that she is a nightmare bitch boss from hell...

I had an acquaintance who thought she was very clever to be underpaying a desperate nanny... I straight out said to her, anyone whom you employ to look after your children is acting as your replacement. Later when she said her child was having problems with homework. I asked her if she still had her "cheap nanny". Ask your friend if she would accept the conditions she sets for her nannies and if she thinks she is being fair.

Are you sure you want a friend like this?

Ha, what a joke! She's having a laugh surely! I'm surprised they've stayed for two months even!!

I can never understand why people who think nowt of paying £000s for a holiday or even a meal out, want to get the cheapest care they can for themes precious things they have in their lives - their children. I've said it before, doubtless (because I am a boring cow) I will say it again - good childcare is worth paying for; good carers are worth treasuring.