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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I be honest with friend about her childcare issues

110 replies

Waiting4cakes · 25/10/2016 21:20

So my friend has asked me for advice but I'm not sure I should be honest with her.
Friend has 3 DCs (9,6 and 5) and she and her husband work full time so for the past 3 years or so they have had a nanny look after the DCs during the week.
However they have never had a nanny for more than 6 months as they keep leaving. The most recent has handed her notice in after 2 months.

Usually when she tells me they have left I just say something vague and change the subject but she has asked me over text today why I think they are leaving.

But I believe the problem is my friend.
For example she tells the nannies not to give the DCs sweets but then if the DCs come home and tell her the nanny wouldn't buy them sweets she will tell the nanny off for not spoiling the DCs. If the nanny does buy the DCs sweets then she tells them off for not following her instruction.

She will ask then to work for an extra half hour or so and then forget to pay them for a few weeks.

She asks the nannies to do too much with the DCs so for example in the 3 hours between getting home from school to friend coming home from work she expects the DCs to have done.
All their homework, music practice for at least half an hour, have eaten something, have had at least an hour of exercise and outdoors time, to have made the DCs clean their room and the living room and kitchen, to have done a creative activity like painting or drawing and that all their school stuff is ready for the next day.

She has also refused to allow time off for illness or hospital appointment and made them take unpaid leave.

And that's just the stuff I know about.
So should I be honest with her and tell her I think it's her fault or should I just lie.

OP posts:

littledrummergirl · 25/10/2016 22:02

Ask her what they said on their exit interviews, that would give her a good idea.
Maybe suggest she take a week off work and do with the dc what she expects from a nanny, this will help her to evaluate.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 25/10/2016 22:04

I think your friend sounds like a hard nosed shrew.

I'd ask her why she thinks they're leaving.

bumsexatthebingo · 25/10/2016 22:07

in the 3 hours between getting home from school to friend coming home from work she expects the DCs to have done.
All their homework, music practice for at least half an hour, have eaten something, have had at least an hour of exercise and outdoors time, to have made the DCs clean their room and the living room and kitchen, to have done a creative activity like painting or drawing and that all their school stuff is ready for the next day

How did you find this out? It doesn't sound physically possible. The 9 yr old I would assume would have 30 mins homework so with the music practice and outdoors time that leaves an hour for the dcs to eat, clean the living room, bedroom and kitchen, get their stuff ready for school and do a creative activity??

OrigamiOverload · 25/10/2016 22:08

I get what people are saying about honesty etc, but I think if you value your friendship you should fake ignorance. If she lacks as much self awareness as is suggested in your op, I would be surprised if she can link her behaviour to these consequences. The most I might suggest is for her to ask the nannies herself.

She probably just wants the validation of hearing you exclaim "I don't know why your nannies leave! Your kids are lovely!"

2kids2dogsnosense · 25/10/2016 22:10

I'm so pleased I never had to offer my services as a nanny . . .

coconutpie · 25/10/2016 22:18

Your friend sounds like the boss from hell. I would tell her why. She sounds awful. God help the next nanny.

Cagliostro · 25/10/2016 22:19

I think you've done the right thing keeping out of it thus far but as she has asked you it's time to tell her

cozietoesie · 25/10/2016 22:26

Do you still like her after knowing she's acting in this way?

annandale · 25/10/2016 22:31

Don't text her ANYTHING unless you want to have a big row.

Call her, or go and see her, or better still ignore the question, though it can't be great for the kids to have so much instability.

I agree with the PPs saying ask her why she thinks they are leaving, or what they tell her. At most, make it a big joke "Well you know you are the biggest Tiger Mum in the neighbourhood, I can't make my kids do all that stuff, or what you make the nannies do and i doubt they can keep up with you"

annandale · 25/10/2016 22:33

TBH what she needs is a nanny with enough balls and job offers to tell her she's asking too much. So she is probably underpaying as well so that only fairly desperate souls are taking the job. What a peach she is.

Pettywoman · 25/10/2016 22:37

If only there were a nanny who was practically perfect in every way.

PersianCatLady · 25/10/2016 22:39

However they have never had a nanny for more than 6 months as they keep leaving. The most recent has handed her notice in after 2 months
How many nannies have they actually been through?

BalloonSlayer · 25/10/2016 22:44

Ha ha DH was telling me admiringly about a female friend who had said her DCs watched no TV during the week (this was before tablets/phones etc replaced TV)

I said, "yeah but she works full time, DH"

He repeated "Well she says the DC don't watch any TV all week."

So I repeated "yeah but she works full time,DH."

This went on for a little while with both of us failing to comprehend the other one's lack of understanding until I spelled it out:

"It is PISS EASY to have your DCs not watching TV if you are not the one having to otherwise entertain them after school. To get someone else to do that for you and then preen over your achievement is pretty dishonest."

He did get it in the end fucking finally.

HillaryFTW · 25/10/2016 22:46

Dedinitely face to face.

Canypu make it "about you"? Eg "if I was A nanny, I'd find it hard to understand what I should do about sweets and also how to fit in the activities every day. Maybe it would help to prioritise activities or have a more consistent view on sweets?"

Andylion · 25/10/2016 22:48

I agree with the PPs saying ask her why she thinks they are leaving, or what they tell her.

I agree. I wonder what reason the nannies give for leaving?

Mom2Monkeys · 25/10/2016 23:08

I think its a weird question to ask over text. Definitely don't reply over text .

I would say something vague in person about it. She's unlikely to take the feedback well. You could tell her to ask them for honest feedback and say 'I thought when you mentioned the things you would like the nannies to do , it seemed like a lot'.
Don't go into detail; it will sound like criticism and she'll get defensive.

Its something she needs to work out with them.

MyschoolMyrules · 25/10/2016 23:17

She is probably not clear about her expectations at interviews either. Any experienced nanny, or a parent with three kids, would know that her expectations are unrealistic, and that children in general need a bit of downtime and a chat after school. No way can she do all of the above within three hours. No wonder they leave.

ImissGrannyW · 25/10/2016 23:17

NOT for you to tell her.

Ask her why (as PPs have said) SHE thinks they left, and then suggest she contacts them/the agency for THEIR view.

You don't have to say a word, and shouldn't!

Fififerry1 · 25/10/2016 23:26

Totally agree with littledrummergirl.
Tell her to take a week off and see what it is realistic for a nanny to do in the time available. Without sweets/with sweets/without sweets etc.
She sounds like a cheeky cow who is squeezing the value for money and doesn't want to do any parenting stuff herself. And I suspect her kids are nightmares as a result.
I talk as a working mum with a lovely reliable but very (lazy) laid back after school nanny who has been with us for 10 years. My children are happy and well cared for but am afraid the house is still a bomb site and they still only "remember' they have homework when they are due to go to bed.
It's real life.
Or

Andylion · 25/10/2016 23:30

...but she has asked me over text today why I think they are leaving.

Do you think it was a rhetorical question? Did she just want to vent or complain or does she really expect an answer?

2manynannies · 25/10/2016 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouHadMeAtCake · 25/10/2016 23:51

I cannot see see why you would not tell her. She sounds really dreadful as an employer. I would not want to be friends with someone like that.

JoJoSM2 · 25/10/2016 23:56

I'd tell her for my own piece of mind. Although I wouldn't be surprised if she just dismisses whatever you say. I don't think it will affect your friendship badly if you only say it once in a nice way.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/10/2016 00:05

She sounds a nightmare. I've been a nanny for 25yrs and if mum said no to something then fine but if then she had a go at me I would be replying back you told me not to give them

Far too much going on after school ? TBH that sounds fine apart from hours physical/outside play and the creative /art work

I get kids to do homework when get home. Maybe have small snack and I will make tea. After tea then music and good for kids to tidy up so assuming do it daily and at school they can't make much mess and agree they should get school things ready for next day

How many nannies has she had?

Where does she get them from?

She will be blacklisted by nannies and word of mouth soon.

The nanny mafia aka grape vine is a very powerful thing

Why does db/dh say about it all?

Mintychoc1 · 26/10/2016 00:41

Yes you should tell her. Those poor kids, they'll be screwed up for ever with such a lack of continuity.

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