To expect my DH to at least have an interest in my children?

[Legoninago]

He's a fantastic husband to me but just seems completely indifferent to my children. They're 23 and 16 - the 23 year old doesn't live at home. Hardly communicates with the 16yo that lives with us. Never asks any questions or seems interested to discuss the 23yo. Is that normal for a step dad? He has a son who doesn't live with us and I'm always interested in what he's up to - school, hobbies, planning stuff for when he's with us. Should I expect more?

Has it always been this way?

Well when we first met he was making a lot of effort with them to try to bond with them. But yes it's tailed off now and starting to upset me. I've spoken with him about it but we never really get anywhere.

How does your 16 year old feel about this? Sounds a bit miserable for her/him, living with a stepdad who barely even speaks to them.

I think I feel it more than the 16 yo does. He has a great relationship with his own dad and with me so doubt he's missing out. I've not talked to him about it and he's never mentioned it to me.

What has happened since you got married that has changed his behaviour/personality to this extent?

Now long have you and dh been together? If only a few years, then it's difficult to secure a bond with teenagers.

I think women will tend to make more effort into forming relationships as well.

16 year olds aren't always communicative either (speaking from experience!).

We've been together 6 years. Getting married didn't seem to make a difference in that respect. I suppose it's come to a bit of a head for me because the 23yo is going to have to come and live with us again for a while. It's like it's a massive imposition. Yes they're a bit untidy and we'd need to have ground rules but for goodness sake. It's just what you do isn't it when you marry someone who has children?

Why did you marry someone who wasn't interested in your children? He made an effort when you first met but thats a long time ago and you married him anyway.
Why do you care now?

If someone doesn't want anything to do with my children, as in actively avoids them, then I don't want anything to do with them.

Don't think for a minute that your 16 year old is happy living with this man, either.

Getting married didn't seem to make a difference in that respect.

Wait, so he was like this with them before you married him? You weren't really thinking much of your kids to go ahead and marry him were you?

I think you need to make it clear to your partner that he has to make the effort. 16 is a difficult age but it's also a time when teenagers are forming a sense of self so your partner's indifference or coldness towards your son will really affect his confidence in later life.

Finding some common ground and doing things together is the only way to bond and start communicating. Football, cinema, a bike ride or just McDonalds or something?

Good idea to lay down some ground rules for your older child too. Perhaps agreeing for them to pay rent if they're working or helping with housework? But again, your partner needs to accept that your children are part of you, part of your life and just as important as him.

Thanks for your thoughts