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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice please

28 replies

howno · 24/10/2016 14:17

Hello all,

Not AIBU but more looking for advice.

My neighbour and good friend had a baby girl about six weeks ago.

We are close and our eldest daughters play together lots and we enjoy a blether and a cuppa.

Since the baby was born there's been little or no contact. I've not even dropped a present in to her as I really don't want to seem overbearing. I've texted a couple times to ask if she wants me to take her daughter out with mine to give her a rest and she's not got back to me (also told her I had a gift for her) I'm not here to be flamed and told that she's obviously busy, I get that but I'm not sure what to do?
Her husband ignored my husband the other day and took their eldest daughter in from playing in the street as soon as my husband pulled up in the car with my daughter and even her daughter runs away if she sees my daughter now (they're only 6). It's all very strange and abrupt and I'm not sure what to do.
It's gone from being good friends immediately prior to her younger daughter's birth to them ignoring us.

I have 3 children and I get that going from one to two children is stressful (for me it was harder than going from 2 to 3) but not in the sense that I and my husband would be ignoring anyone.

WWYD?

Please be kind because I really
Value this friendship.

OP posts:
SandysMam · 24/10/2016 14:23

Maybe she thinks lack of present or card means you don't care? Or probably she's just overwhelmed and can't cope with contact at this time. Some people find having babies much harder than others. Give her time and message occasionally saying thinking of you and you're there if she needs anything but not anything that expects a response.
If in a few months you still get nothing, you may just have to except it and move on. It's probably not about you at all though, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors or what they are going through.

SandysMam · 24/10/2016 14:24

Unless you announced her baby was born on Facebook before she got a chance to?? In which case there's your answer Grin

Seeline · 24/10/2016 14:31

Have you had any contact at all? Seen the baby? If not, she may think that a bit strange in 6 weeks, if you were as close as you say. Also, are you sure that there is nothing seriously wrong - has the baby come home from hospital, were there major complications etc?
I think I would just call round with the gift, and say you'd love for her to pop in for a coffee when she feels ready.

Original poster
howno · 24/10/2016 14:38

sandy I wouldn't even dream of doing that!!

I've just looked and in the past 6 weeks I've sent her four texts each one asking how she is and two asking if she wants me to help out with her daughter and two have said I'll pop round and can she let me know when suits her and I've had nothing back Sad

Honestly, MN has given me a bit of complex about going to people's houses after they have a baby because everyone on here seems to want to be alone for 6 months after their baby is born.

Defo no serious issues with the baby.

I'm just at a loss because her husband is being weird as well.

Would it be rude to just go round?

OP posts:
Seeline · 24/10/2016 14:41

I'd go round - it's not rude if you just call, rather than expecting to be asked in. Have you not seen her at all - just popping out to the car or something?
Maybe she's lost her phone?

Soubriquet · 24/10/2016 14:48

Just go round

Mn is a virtual reality world when people have unrealistic ideas when it comes to life

She's probably at home feeling a bit hurt you haven't seen her baby yet

Original poster
howno · 24/10/2016 14:49

I haven't seen her at all around the street. I work full time so I'm really only home after 6 and at the weekends. I've been keeping an eye out but her daughter is even running away from mine so it's all just a bit weird.

It's whatsapp as well so she's reading the messages so I don't think the phone is lost.

Right I'm going round tonight!

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 24/10/2016 14:50

It sounds very bizarre... I also thought that either there is something seriously wrong with the baby or the mother or she lost her phone. Have you go any reasons to believe that she's normal with other people and it's just you getting this treatment?

JosephineMaynard · 24/10/2016 14:50

I don't think it would be rude to call round just to give her the present and card, and ask after her and the baby.

I think most people would appreciate that.

myownprivateidaho · 24/10/2016 15:18

I think she's probably just busy/stressed/tired/ill. I wouldn't take it personally. Just go over with your gift.

Original poster
howno · 24/10/2016 15:22

jojo I've just sent another neighbour a text whom I know through the one who's just had a baby and asked if she's seen her.

She just replied that she went round with a present and the husband took it off her at the door and never let her cross the threshold.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 24/10/2016 15:26

Sounds like things haven't gone brilliantly for her during the birth Confused Could be she is depressed or physically struggling, and more than likely nothing to do with you at all. Try not to worry. I would suggest approaching her husband and just saying you have messaged a few times and were considering dropping round, but you wanted to check whether that was okay first.

NavyandWhite · 24/10/2016 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 24/10/2016 15:30

Is there any indication that she could be in an abusive relationship?

MessezFaire · 24/10/2016 15:30

Yes it sounds like they're struggling. a friend of mine dropped a parcel of food - dinner and home made cakes at the door when I'd had a hard time with a little note saying she cared but understood if I wanted to be alone. It really made me feel better.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 24/10/2016 16:05

Just go round say you have sent her 4 texts and as you hadn't had a reply wondered if she needs any help with any thing.

Sparklesilverglitter · 24/10/2016 16:10

Just go round.

You could always make/buy a nice cake and take with you and the gift you've got for the baby.

Just because mumsnet tells people they must go nowhere near a new mum until her baby is 21 doesn't mean that's what you should do. In the real world some new mums (me) bloody love visitors

She might be sitting thinking your quite rude as she thought you was friends and you've been nowhere near

SunsetOnTheHorizon · 24/10/2016 16:12

Pop round.. prefrabbly when her DP isnt home.. and say congrats in person and be done with. Shouldnt take you15 mins max ... At least u have done ur bit.. then let her get on with it for the next 6months.. or longer

Eatthecake · 24/10/2016 16:13

Seriously just go round!

Take some sweet goodies and the gift for the baby you've already got.

Your thinking she doesn't want you to, but she could equally be thinking your rude as you haven't bothered calling round in all this time

Mumsnet might like to think you must never visit a new Mum, but don't let that give you a complex. I find the real world is very different. I've had 4 DC and babies are boring so I was always pleased to see visitors as are my friends

eatdrinkandbemarysfairy · 24/10/2016 16:13

i know its a long shot but is your friend asian
my friend was a sikh and when she had her baby i never seen her for weeks and when i did she told me she wasnt allowed out for 42 days after the baby was born due to her religion or allowed visitors

if not its sounds to me like she as fallen out with you, it seems strange that the husband is also being funny
could you or your husband have said something and its been taken the wrong way
either way you need to go round and ask her

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2016 16:17

Is everything alright with the baby? Have you seen things she's written on FB that suggest all went well with the birth?

Original poster
howno · 24/10/2016 16:41

FB suggests all ok.

I'm going to pop round tonight and hand the present in.

I just think it's weird that the husband rushed their elder child into the house when my husband pulled up the other day. Said hello to the front door being slammed Hmm it's not as if we're going to invite ourselves inConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
howno · 24/10/2016 16:41

No not Asian x

OP posts:
Seeline · 24/10/2016 16:44

I just think it's weird that the husband rushed their elder child into the house when my husband pulled up the other day

Perhaps she needed the loo, or they were late getting back from somewhere. Or in his sleep-deprived state he didn't even notice your DH until he was shutting the door.....

TheWitTank · 24/10/2016 16:48

Well, at least you know its not just you if your other neighbour had a similar reaction! Maybe things have been a bit stressful and they don't want anyone asking questions? Maybe she is feeling down and isn't coping? I would do what you are doing later -drop round and give the present and see what reaction you get. Good luck!

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