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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Struggling to accept my social housing situation [sad]

86 replies

TaserPet · 24/10/2016 14:13

Myself and 15 year old daughter were finally re-housed by social housing. We were totally desperate, so took the first available offered place. Our flat is not bad - I've really worked hard to make it a home. But its very small, no garden and is in a noisy, densely populated area with some 'challenging' neighbours.

My problem is that I fear I/we might be stuck here forever now. There is no way we could afford to move to private housing again, assuming it was even available to someone single in their 50s in receipt of HB (due to health reasons I should add).

I think my problem is just accepting my situation basically. I feel grateful for somewhere to live and I do count my blessings as often as I can. But it just feels like I'm not where I want to be physically, and I'm one of those people who is sensitive to their environment - but feel I can't change it realistically-speaking...

I can't put this in Relationships, as strictly speaking not a relationship issue, but maybe some insights or helpful thoughts here?

OP posts:

dailymaillazyjournos · 24/10/2016 16:29

I can really empathise with your situation OP. Thanks to fraudulent, thieving ex I left a 23 year old marriage with £750 to my name, a pile of debts he'd taken out using our joint names without me knowing, re-mortgaged the property again without me knowing, and I was homeless in my mid-40's. Lived with my Dad for 2 years till I got my HA flat - also tiny, in poor condition and surrounded by challenging people. Have been here 7 years now and no hope of every leaving.

But. I now LOVE my home. It's just mine - has own entrance. I feel as if I'm coming home when I walk through the door. I've gradually got it homely and a few years ago, the HA put central heating in. I feel safe here (despite having to get a harrassment notice issued on neighbour in next block re parking nightmare). I am free of abusive ex and all decisions are mine for good or for bad. I feel free for the first time in my life. DD and family have somewhere to stay (though it's like mayhem getting everyone in). that is mine.

I will always be furious and upset regarding my ex-s vile behaviour but in a way it gave me the push to finally get out from his clutches. I'd had no confidence that I could manage independently as he had made me feel that way, but although I'm on a very limited budget (no holidays, not many outtings that you have to pay for like meals/cinema/ etc. BUT my tenancy is assured, I've a roof over my head, family who i love and friends. I look at the situation in Calais and in Aleppo and am thankful that I am where I am.

Being consciously grateful and looking for the positives seems to have really helped me accept this situation and its permanence. My housing situation doesn't define me. I might be financially poorly off but I have food to eat and can just about keep the place warm. My health condition means I won't be able to work now so no hope of working my way up to grander housing. But I can accept it now.

Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to? You can accept this but will need time and if you've only recently moved in, then your feelings will be raw and you are rightly upset and angry but hopefully you won't always feel like this and this place will feel like yours and DD's.

PersianCatLady · 24/10/2016 16:39

Can't you look around GB and find a cheaper location to live in where you could afford the rent for something more much nicer?
Even if she did find the perfect location that she could afford, you never have any real security in privately rented accommodation.

Every 6 / 12 months your LL can choose not to renew your tenancy for absolutely no reason at all.

I think that people who live in SH actually forget just how awful that lack of security can be.

faffingturtle · 24/10/2016 16:39

it doesn't really matter what type of crap is upsetting you - you are allowed to feel fed up.
I think you've had really supportive help today. ignore the others
Things will change... in my experience they always do.

FluffyPineapple · 24/10/2016 16:40

Don't you think if she could afford a mortgage to a home more to her liking, she wouldn't be living in the flat

Is there a problem with living in a flat that has been given to you then? Are there not millions of people living in flats? As the old adage goes ......."Life is what you make it". If OP has a grouse with the housing she has been afforded it is up to her to change it. That's life!

Kr1stina · 24/10/2016 16:41

Your u need to turn some of the disdvantages into advantages .

So you live in a big city - great ! There are lots of things to do that are free or low cost to people on benefits . Lost of charities where you can volunteer and meet like minded people .

Spots centres and clubs where you can join.i see you have health problems but you can go and ask what they have for people with restricted mobility / whatever your issue is .

Lots of colleagues and universities have day time classes that are free / low costs to over 50s / disabled / on low income . You need to go and ask / look in library / search the internet

PersianCatLady · 24/10/2016 16:42

Sorry but "you could be worse" is a crap statement and does absolutely nothing to help OP come to terms with her housing situation
You are right it is a crap statement but personally I think that the OP is failing to see what she has got and is instead concentrating on what she hasn't got perhaps people are just trying to help her look on the bright side.

Gowgirl · 24/10/2016 16:44

I never forget that catlady! I love my secure tenancy, but if I won the lottery I would apply to buy my house because i love it and its home! Op doesn't feel that way but as you say things and life have a way of suprising you...

annandale · 24/10/2016 16:45

I think you've had a lot to deal with and it's not surprising you are not a fountain of happy gratitude. It sounds like you are doing your best to make the most of things.

Given your health situation I doubt this is a goer, but could you apply for an allotment, or look for someone to have an allotment jointly with? Could become a lovely productive space where you can go and sit. I know several that are mainly fruit trees (very little maintenance) with a nice shed that you can sit in, even barbecues. A bit of a social life with your allotment 'neighbours' too. If you get to know the head of the allotment place and say you are looking for one you can manage with limitations x, y and z, you might be lucky.

Alternatively, is there any way to make a kind of indoor garden, like a big window you can put a windowbox onto and surround with hanging plants, so that at least you have a green space of your own? I'm useless at gardening but I have seen some amazing havens made in small places.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 24/10/2016 16:47

Is there anything specific about your neighbours/neighbourhood that bothers you? Maybe you could ask the council to take specific action - eg, more community police patrols if you don't feel safe, report graffiti/dog mess etc to them, upgrade the street lighting for added safety?

Do you have any friends nearby? Could you join any community groups and get to know people, depending on your interests and also your health problems?

Making the flat seem like your little haven might help too. Books make good sound-proofing and take your mind off things!

faffingturtle · 24/10/2016 16:48

fluffypineapple
Can l suggest spikey pineapple would be a more apt name?

BoffinMum · 24/10/2016 16:50

I used to live in shared ownership housing and it was pretty nice but we still had one or two dodgy neighbours.

Sometimes people start residents' associations in circumstances like yours, and the LA or HA sometimes offer financial and practical support for groups to do this. Would that be a possibility?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 24/10/2016 16:50

In addition to allotments, some areas do community gardening, where you can work in the garden as much or as little as you please. It might be more manageable than an allotment.

PersianCatLady · 24/10/2016 16:58

I never forget that catlady! I love my secure tenancy, but if I won the lottery I would apply to buy my house because i love it and its home!
You sound like exactly the sort of person who was meant to benefit from the "right to buy" scheme and I hope that one day you do get the opportunity.

GeorgeTheThird · 24/10/2016 17:03

How to accept it? Chant the positives to yourself a few times everyday. Seriously, it works. Something like, "I have a secure tenancy, low rent, I can decorate how I like and I am safe."

PersianCatLady · 24/10/2016 17:03

I used to live in shared ownership housing and it was pretty nice but we still had one or two dodgy neighbours
I live in my own home that I have waited a long time to get and I have the nicest lady in the world on one side of me and the neighbours from hell on the other side.

So my point is even though I chose where to live I still had no control over who moved in next door.

Every morning I know that it has got to be one day closer to the day when I go outside and see a "TO LET" sign outside their house.

Gowgirl · 24/10/2016 17:12

Cat lady, it will never happen as we are in zone 2, even with a good salary we are both very close to 40! But the ha might pay 50% of a little extension for us.....very excited!

FayKorgasm · 24/10/2016 17:13

I live in a big SH house with a big garden and lovely neighbours. In one of the most deprived areas in my part of the country. There's always trouble on the road, a heavy police presence. The sort of place that would feature in channel 5 benefit programs. I was shitting it when I first moved in because that night there was a stabbing at the top of the road. I love it now because when I close my doors it's my home. The house had been refused by 4 other people.

PersianCatLady · 24/10/2016 17:23

Cat lady, it will never happen as we are in zone 2, even with a good salary we are both very close to 40!
Never say never mate.

Gowgirl · 24/10/2016 17:28

Cat lady you are my new favourite person(unmumsnetty) x plus

AcrossthePond55 · 24/10/2016 17:29

You say you and DD were 'desperate'. I'm not sure what your previous living situation was (abusive spouse, living with your parents, shelter etc) but there must have been something about your prior situation that made this council home the more attractive option. I think I'd focus on that.

PersianCatLady · 24/10/2016 18:06

Cat lady you are my new favourite person(unmumsnetty) x pluswine
Thank you, no-one has ever said that to me before.

MrsDeVere · 24/10/2016 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GingerIvy · 24/10/2016 19:02

Swaps do happen. We've done a swap twice now over the past 10 years. Both times we moved to another part of the country. The first time we moved into a bigger property, and an elderly couple moved into our smaller property. This time we moved into a 2 bedroom and another family moved into our 3 bedroom. I didn't mind the downsize as it's in a good area, and we love it. The former people hated it and wanted out.

Everyone has different reasons for wanting the type and location of property they want to live in. It doesn't hurt to look for a swap. If you don't find one, you're no worse off, right?

Original poster

TaserPet · 24/10/2016 21:32

Hey, everyone, thank you! I came back on tenderhooks at the response I might get, but I actually found most posts were moving and helpful, and I was tearfully thankful for that. I will take a look again over the 3 pages when I next have time and add thank yous to individuals who really moved me or had some great ideas and the person who made me laugh (the 'ditch' scenario!).

P.S. I understand that private renting (and even owning) is not necessarily a walk in the park, far from it; I've private-rented and know the drill. I think its the 'stuckness' I'm alluding to in my circumstances, but as I said will read again, I did find posts helpful.

OP posts:

PersianCatLady · 24/10/2016 21:45

I think its the 'stuckness' I'm alluding to in my circumstances
Don't see it as "stuckness" see it as security.

Honestly when you have just taken a year to settle into your PR flat and your LL decides not to renew your tenancy, you would give anything for what you call "stuckness".

OP, are you always so pessimistic?

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