To ask for the money back?

[Silverthorne]

We have a good friend who has been very supportive over the years. DH suffers with depression and it makes our marriage hard at times and this friend has always been a good egg when times were tough.

Before the summer he asked me for a loan of £2,000. No explanation why but he said he would repay it in August.

He also asked me not to talk to my DH about it and I did wonder if it was because he was embarrassed or maybe even because he had already asked my DH and either been turned down or was getting a second loan from me.

However, as uncomfortable as this made me feel, i did very much feel like a friend in need is a friend indeed and i wanted to support him in his hour of need. So transferred the money.

It is now Oct and no sign of the repayment. Two weeks I emailed him and said 'please can you repay me, here are my bank details' and he said he can't at the moment but if I am desperate he will get a loan from someone else (who? No idea) to repay me.

AIBU to ask him to do that as I feel so very uncomfortable with this situation now?

Look into taking him to small claims court. Sounds like he acknowledges the loan in the emails, which could be used as evidence. It seems to me that he has no intention of paying because repayment was due in August and you are having to chase it up with him in late October. If he was genuine in his intention to repay but couldn't afford it all in August he would've contacted you to apologise and discuss a repayment plan. Instead he ignored the issue. Stop thinking of him as a friend, a friend wouldn't do this to you. Start standing up for yourself. I think it would be best to get out ahead of this by telling your DH what has happened. You have already given your former friend ammunition against you by telling him you don't want your DH to know. Take the ammunition away by telling him yourself so you can deal with this together. Remember, no more Mrs Nice Guy! This person is not being nice to you, they are using you!

I think you handled this fine, and your response is good. Hopefully he pays it back. I actually don't think saying you're uncomfortable with your DH not knowing is ammunition to the friend - I would read that as more of a threat to the friend that you might relieve your uncomfortableness by discussing it with DH. In fact, if he continues to prevaricate, I'd suggest saying that you're sorry he's having trouble paying it back and you are going to have to speak to your DH about how to handle this. The hiding it from DH was a favour to him (why? I can't help be suspicious like someone upthread that it's because he either also got money off DH or he used your money to pay DH back...) not anything that reflects poorly on you.

I think your email is fine. I hope you get the money back, it's a lot to lend out.

I think the friend is constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul. You lent a friend in need money, he is overdue paying you back. Your text is fine, you shouldn't have to send it or say you are desperate, but use whatever means you can to get it back. He might have been a good friend in the past, but he isn't at the moment.

Good luck x

I see you and your DH keep separate finances, so it was entirely your decision to lend it to him, and it was extremely kind of you to do so. However like others I am very suspicious that he asked you not to tell your DH, and I would urge you to tell your DH immediately.

This "friend" is behaving appallingly, and has had more than the agreed amount of time to pay it back, and hasn't paid a penny. I wonder if he is involved in any of these online money making schemes that promise quick returns, virtual currencies etc. Do not listen to any of his sob stories, just continue to demand your money back.

I really think you should leave out all the supposed reasons for needing it back, just say that you lent it to him on the basis that it would be paid back in August, and the fact it hasn't been has left you in a difficult position and you need it paid back now.

I think you were foolish to have made this loan without telling your DH. He was wrong to ask you not to tell your DH, but you were the one who took the action and kept it secret. To me, this is the biggest issue within the story, rather than th money itself TBH.

The friend clearly had financial problems or would not have asked for the loan. It was daft of you not to clearly agree repayment terms at the time and also daft of you to expect that you could suddenly ask for it back and he would be able to repay quickly, given the financial problems. You could say that his financial problems are not your issue, but you gave him a loan knowing his problems and if you wanted to be able to reclaim the loan suddenly, you should have realised that would be unlikely to see success.....so given all of that, whilst it is annoying for you, it's not surprising at all.

Effectively you were like a bank making a bad loan. Banks who lend to people who are in financial difficulties cannot really expect to get their money back...at least not when they want it....and you are pretty much in the same position.

He is using emotional blackmail, implying he will go to a loan shark. He is hoping you will relent. It is up to you to decide to insist on payment now, but given that by making a loan to him and then wanting it back in one go, you haven't really helped butt hindered his financial situation, I would be careful.....not because it's not within your rights to ask for the money back, nor because he is trying to emotionally blackmail...but because you should recognise YOUR role within this situation and that whilst a loan was kindly meant, the way it has all happened hasn't helped the situation.

And I would come clean to DH about what has happened. Financial secrets between spouses are not a great idea. Your friend was wrong to ask you to keep it secret, you were wrong to keep it secret........but you can rectify that now and at least one issue within all this will have been brought out into the open and you will have someone to help you sort this out.

If ever making substantial loans to friends (and usually best avoided) always clarify the length of time and repayment terms, write it down and make sure your spouse knows all about it and is in agreement. Discuss with friend how they will manage if they can't repay.....and don't make the loan unless you can afford for that money to be at least delayed in coming back to you. Without doing. These things you leave yourself wide open to losing the money...and you have left yourself wide open.

Silver Thorne, I would probably have done the same in your situation. I have a handful of friends that I would lend money to, fully expecting to get it back and would always like to help them, of course these are friends I've had for years, been to my wedding etc.
I would probably have asked my husband but I'm not saying you were wrong not to as I believe you fully expected to have it back within a couple of months.
I really hope you get it back asap. And you can only learn from this and it's a horrible way to learn that people don't always live up to what you hope.