To ask for the money back?

[Silverthorne]

We have a good friend who has been very supportive over the years. DH suffers with depression and it makes our marriage hard at times and this friend has always been a good egg when times were tough.

Before the summer he asked me for a loan of £2,000. No explanation why but he said he would repay it in August.

He also asked me not to talk to my DH about it and I did wonder if it was because he was embarrassed or maybe even because he had already asked my DH and either been turned down or was getting a second loan from me.

However, as uncomfortable as this made me feel, i did very much feel like a friend in need is a friend indeed and i wanted to support him in his hour of need. So transferred the money.

It is now Oct and no sign of the repayment. Two weeks I emailed him and said 'please can you repay me, here are my bank details' and he said he can't at the moment but if I am desperate he will get a loan from someone else (who? No idea) to repay me.

AIBU to ask him to do that as I feel so very uncomfortable with this situation now?

"The money was lent on the basis it would be paid back in full by end of August. I'm unable to extend the loan further and had I realised This was a possibility I wouldn't have lent the money to begin with. You have my bank details and I expect the money to be paid back next within the next 5 days.

I would tell your husband immediately! Then at least you are both on the same page.

OP, remember that he chose not to tell you why he needed the money. So you do not have to give him any reason why you need it back. A simple "Yes I need it back ASAP" will suffice.

I fear that anything more detailed will make your friend will try to persuade you that you really don't need it. If he has to borrow to repay you, that is his problem. (I wonder if he borrowed from you to pay someone else back.)

You did a good thing. I'm sorry your friend is mucking you about.

I would ask for £1k back right now, and £200 a week until rest is paid off.

DH and I have lent friends/family several thousand short term on 2 occasions this year.
Both paid it back before the agreed time

I think you'll get your answer if you speak to your husband.

When someone borrows money, the longer it takes to pay it back the more the person feels as though they are giving you their money, rather than returning yours.

That's why you need to get it back now, by whatever means, or you can kiss it goodbye forever. The friendship's buggered anyway.

I would just have said "I need the money back by 5pm today"

Stop giving reasons for needing the money, and don't start your sentence with "Listen". Just say "Yes, I need the money back now. Thank you."

Sorry you feel got at OP. For what it's worth you clearly tried to do a nice thing but your 'friend' has really taken advantage of your obviously kind nature. If you don't get a reply to your e-mail offering repayment (and I suspect he will either not reply, or reply with more excuses) then you need to tell your husband about this.

Does he have anything of value that you could ask for as collateral. An expensive bike or watch or something.
I'd also recommend telling your husband otherwise the guy will think he has some hold over you.

Don't feel too bad about being duped like this, loads and loads of people have. Look on moneysavingexpert loans forums for zillions of examples.

We lent money to my DHs brother SEVERAL TIMES and never ever get it back. He gets into debt then tries to 'borrow' from his very elder mother who gets very upset so we step in to bail him out. We do it for her sake but it's annoying as hell.

I could be on the wrong track here OP, but is there a chance it's gone on gambling? It's so easy for people to get in way over their heads with this, and start 'borrowing' money from people in the belief that they will win this back and be able to re-pay people eventually.

I would put money on him owing your husband as well.

I think you should tell your DH.

A problem shared is a problem halved - you should definitely speak to your husband about it. You've tried to help out a friend and it sounds like it's causing you loads of stress which isn't good. You and your husband have separate finances so surely what you do with your own money is your business - would he ask you before spending £2k on something? I know that my bf wouldn't, but then we don't have kids or a mortgage yet.

I would put money on him owing your husband as well.

^^This. Tell your husband or he will be borrowing from him to pay you!

I agree with the OP's approach. He hasn't refused to pay yet even though he's well late - but that could be because of embarrassment. I actually think the approach of her being uncomfortable with her DH not knowing and her needing it back quickly because of that might work. Better than getting all shirty and implying he's trying to do you over because give a dog a bad name and all that. He might well be giving her the runaround but at the moment the way it stands is he's a friend. He's offered to get it off someone else. You have to take that at face value to start with.

You were wrong to lend out 2k and keep it from your DH, if DH done that me I would be fucked off. I'd not mind DH lending money but I'd rather he spoke to me first as I would him.

Tell your DH, maybe your DH asking the friend for it would have more effect as he knows your a soft touch as you lent the money.

Wouldn't hold your breath for getting your money back.........

I'd be fucked off if my DH lend 2k of family money out without talking to me first.

Let your DH, let him ask for the money it will do good more good your DH asking as this "friend" knows your a push over as you lent him the money is secret

This person is not your friend btw, friends don't treat you like this

Gosh, DP and I would have a serious fall out if he lent that amount of money behind my back. But I suppose it is a grey area with you two having separate finances, how that works is completely alien to me. Will your DH will be angry?

You lend another man 2k in secret why?

Maybe this arse of a friend had already asked your DH and he had the sense to say no but you lent it anyway.

He knows your a walk over, your only chance of getting your money back is if your DH ask someone him for it

Your not a bad friend, but you do need to talk to your husband now. At the time maybe you didn't, if he'd paid it back on time your husband may never have needed to know, but he's had the money for a long time now and he's not paying you back easily. Now you need to inform your husband so that the friend doesn't borrow £2k from him to pay you (wooden dollars), or approach your husband with a slightly different truth to make you look bad, or try to blackmail you. Unfortunately desperate people do things like that and it sounds as if he's in a pretty bad place if he's now going to borrow from someone else to pay you. I'd bet that he's borrowed from almost everyone now and he probably owes a shocking amount of money altogether, and sooner or later he'll run out of people to borrow from. You'll be £2k down in that scenario if you wait for it to happen.

You've emailed now so wait for a reply, and tell DH in the meantime. If this is acceptable in your marriage it shouldn't be a big deal - hey DH, X borrowed £2k from me in August with the promise of repaying in September, but hasn't. I just wanted to let you know so he didn't borrow from you too" and move on. If DH will see this as a betrayal or a secret you should have told him about, it'll be more difficult, but also easier for friend to take advantage of so you need to tell him anyway.

Someone who asks you to lie by omission, about something like this, to your husband who suffers from depression, is no friend.

I'd be livid if I found out DH had done this.

You're not going to see that money again. You need to fess up to your DH, I suspect it'll turn out he owes you both far more than you individually think.

I second the people who are saying don't get drawn into why and wherefores. Just say, yes I want it back now.

The OP has separate finances from her husband so it's not a huge deal to keep it a secret. Not great, but not as awful as if they had had joint finances.

OP do you ever still see this "friend"?

Oh OP, you sound like a good friend but I feel you have been taken advantage of. I bet he owes your DH money too.

I hope you get it back, I would push for that, or if the 'friend' is being evasive, get some kind of payment plan drawn up, so even if it's a small amount weekly, you are getting something.

I do think you and your DH should have an open talk about your finances, so this 'friend' cannot play you (both?) again.

It's gone, op. The facts that you kept the loan a secret from your DH simply because the "friend" asked you to; and have to start a thread asking complete strangers would you be unreasonable to ask for it back (!) make you sound like the world's most unassertive woman.
Tell him you want it back by all means, but don't send any of the cringing, apologetic texts you've drafted above.

Be blunt and to the point with him. Threaten legal action. However, I don't think you'll be getting this money back. Oh and tell your DH. I bet he's got a £2k 'loan' from him too that he asked him not to mention to you.