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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for the money back?

83 replies

Silverthorne · 24/10/2016 07:33

We have a good friend who has been very supportive over the years. DH suffers with depression and it makes our marriage hard at times and this friend has always been a good egg when times were tough.

Before the summer he asked me for a loan of £2,000. No explanation why but he said he would repay it in August.

He also asked me not to talk to my DH about it and I did wonder if it was because he was embarrassed or maybe even because he had already asked my DH and either been turned down or was getting a second loan from me.

However, as uncomfortable as this made me feel, i did very much feel like a friend in need is a friend indeed and i wanted to support him in his hour of need. So transferred the money.

It is now Oct and no sign of the repayment. Two weeks I emailed him and said 'please can you repay me, here are my bank details' and he said he can't at the moment but if I am desperate he will get a loan from someone else (who? No idea) to repay me.

AIBU to ask him to do that as I feel so very uncomfortable with this situation now?

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 24/10/2016 08:30

No don't say that, I find that reply reply disrespectful to your dh somehow, it sounds like "dh is going to catch me out" or maybe its the fact you say he has asked you several times to transfer money and you can't, like you are constantly lying and making excuses. You should never have agreed to not tell your dh in the first place, I don't other people's secrets to my dh but lending a large of money isn't the same, you should have said no to not telling him and that email just makes it sound like it's ok to be secretive and sneaky with your dh but quick pay me back so I don't get caught. I am not saying that's how it actually is but it is the perception you are giving your friend

Original poster
Silverthorne · 24/10/2016 08:31

When I said tough times I meant with depression (DH's) not financial tough times.

OP posts:
DropZoneOne · 24/10/2016 08:32

He's had £2k of your money for around 5 months and hasn't repaid a penny? Time to get tough. Yes you need the money back now. It needs no explanation as to why, it's your money. You require it paying to your account by xxx date.

Don't lend money unless you can afford to lose it. Makes situations awkward as you are now discovering.

Witchend · 24/10/2016 08:34

What's the betting he's got 2k from dh and said not to tell op?

steff13 · 24/10/2016 08:37

If that's the case, the OP and her husband need to have a serious talk about why they both thought this was ok.

TheWitTank · 24/10/2016 08:39

I do wonder how many people he has "borrowed" 2k from?

Ziggitypop · 24/10/2016 08:40

He's trying to make you feel guilty by saying he'll borrow it elsewhere, don't be drawn in and don't give excuses/reasons yourself for wanting it back. Just tell him clearly that you lent it until August and are not able to offer a longer term loan. Good luck!

TrickyD · 24/10/2016 08:40

OK, VivienneWK, fair enough.

MiniCooperLover · 24/10/2016 08:43

How he obtains the money to pay you back is not your problem (though you need to tell your husband straight away so he doesn't try to get it from him!!). No waffle, just yes please pay it back immediately.

Original poster
Silverthorne · 24/10/2016 08:44

I am wishing i had never posted as I feel as if I am being blamed for this.

I wanted to help a friend who has in the past been very helpful (in another way, supportive when my DH has had depression...)

We have never struggled to pay the mortgage.

My DH and I have separate finances.

I can afford to lose this in the sense that I will not be on the breadline, but I obviously want to get it back.

I was trying to do the right thing, thinking that if I was ever in a financial pickle, I would like to think my friends would help me.

I have sent the following email:

Listen, I do need to get the money back as the situation has changed. I feel uncomfortable with DH not knowing about this. Please could you repay the whole amount because otherwise it will be difficult for me. Thank you.

Thanks for those who have been supportive. Honestly, this thread has made me feel like I am dishonest when I was trying to be a good friend.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 24/10/2016 08:45

Sorry, but if my DH gave/loaned that amount of money to anyone, (especially outside the family) without discussing it with me, I'd be furious! If your finances are more or less a joint issue, then you should not have done it.....especially as you worked out that he'd probably asked your husband first and been refused!!
You're now in an invidious position because, it's quite likely you're not going to get all (if any) of your cash back, your DH will have to know in the end, and will wonder why you thought it OK to go ahead without his input. And on top of that, this close friendship will be soured!
Learn from this, and never again, a lender or a borrower be!

Meadows76 · 24/10/2016 08:48

By mentioning the bit another being uncomfortable with your DH not knowing you have given him a green card to take the piss even further.

c3pu · 24/10/2016 08:48

Never lend what you can't afford to lose.

YANBU to ask him for the money back, the agreed due date is well past. However as others have suggested I think you should be prepared not to get the money back.

The burnt hand learns quickest!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 24/10/2016 08:49

I can see your intentions were good but "a friend in need" is not a friend if they are involving your relationship and asking you to keep secrets from your dh so no friend at all in this case

lottieandmia · 24/10/2016 08:49

You should never lend money to anyone unless you can afford to never see it again. Sad but true.

Lennoxjones · 24/10/2016 08:53

Do let us know if you get it back. Personally I think your email was to soft

Wdigin2this · 24/10/2016 08:54

Sorry if you feel as if you're getting a roasting on this thread, Silverthorne but by posting you were effectively asking for advise....and opinions
Nobody is actually having a go at you, but you must admit it was slightly naive to lend this large sum of money secretly!

benbry · 24/10/2016 09:03

This sounds very familiar OP, did you post about it when he asked?

Original poster
Silverthorne · 24/10/2016 09:05

No, first time I have posted about this.

OP posts:
BARB060609 · 24/10/2016 09:06

I hope you get it back OP, I agree that you shouldn't HAVE to give reasons etc. but if thats what it takes to push him into paying it back then its the best thing to do.

I have learned by my own mistakes in the past of lending money to 'friends'. Fortunately I was only out of pocket with sums of £100 or less (although all these £10/£20 here and there add up!) I now begrudge lending even a tenner now due to bad experiences.

OurBlanche · 24/10/2016 09:09

I think some of us posted as we did because you have got yourself into a proper pickle and seem to be too embarrassed to be effective about it.

I know I intended my post to be both a wet flannel to the face and a help in backbone strengthening!

From the outside you have been sucked in by a desperate friend and need to be very assertive to get yourself back out of this.

  1. Your DH needs to know - you could be £4K into this friend for all you know!
  1. You need to really believe it is absolutely fine to tell said friend to get his act together and pay you back NOW!
  1. You may even need to truly believe that you can take him to small claims court to try and get your money back - the ramifications of this are HIS not yours!
  1. And then you might just have to wave the money goodbye! But your DH still needs to know!
FoxTeaParty · 24/10/2016 09:09

I am going to go against the majority and say I would probably have done the same thing. You believed you could trust this friend, I would think if someone asked me not to tell DH then maybe it was because they are ashamed. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Don't feel bad asking for the money back, or asking for it without getting angry. I hope you get it all back soon.

ToffeeForEveryone · 24/10/2016 09:10

I think your intentions were good, but as pp have said, best to only lend money that you don't really expect to see back. It is quite likely that money won't be paid back which could lead to the breakdown of the friendship.

Asking you to keep it secret from your DH is a separate issue and I think a much bigger red flag. It was wrong of your friend to ask this and I think not great that you agreed to it. If my DH kept a secret like that I would see it as a serious betrayal.

SpaceUnicorn · 24/10/2016 09:14

The problem is, however urgently you need the money back, if he hasn't got it to give to you then you're not going to get it.

I also think you're a bit stuck as far as the suggestion of threatening court action goes, as unless you have a signed agreement there's nothing to stop him claiming that it was a gift, and it's his word against yours, unfortunately.

You do need to talk to your DH about this though, at the very least to stop your friend playing you off against each other and using your secrecy against you.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 24/10/2016 09:15

If my DH kept a secret like that I would see it as a serious betrayal.

For me too.

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