Other mum stealth avoiding me

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

Hi

Name changed as if she's on this I'm sure she'll know it's me

Basically DDs friends mum is really funny with me. But today she spectacularly blanked me. And I don't know why. I don't know what I've done.

Our DDs are good friends. At nursery together. Now school. We live in the same direction about five minutes away. Sometimes we bump into them on the way. They want to play together and go to school together but sometimes she's been - oh no we're going this way! And takes her dd the long route.

Anyway today we're getting the train. My DH has a season ticket so waited on the platform with Dd. I had to go over the bridge to the other platform to get a ticket. As I was crossing over a train came in. As I'm coming down the stairs I see them getting off. She starts calling her husband - not acknowledging me - and gestures to the side exit.
I walk past smiling. I just think they didn't see me. No skin off my nose. But think it's funny as they live the other side so I would've thought they'd be crossing over the bridge.
Get my ticket and cross back. And they're there. Talking to my Dd. But before I could reach them. They'd gone.

So. They went out the side exit. Waited for me to pass. Then went the way I came. And then left when they saw me coming.

I asked my DH what they said and he was pissed off because they didn't say anything to him so he didn't know who these strangers were talking to dd.

I totally get not wanting to have a massive chat on the school run (first thing in the morning I am not at my best!) but I don't get this at all.

The only other thing I can think of was when the DDs were starting school. Three of us mums had been at the same nursery. We were waiting in the playground. And she just said to the other mum - oh we should sort out that play date. And then she started going on about dates. I didn't say anything but felt a bit pushed out. So just started fussing with the baby. For the record I don't care at all there are play dates without my Dd. Just thought it was a bit odd to arrange it in front of me! Maybe I'm just paranoid as I have Pnd at the moment. And social anxiety at the best of times. I've tried really hard just to be smiley. Not push conversations. I don't know what I've done to piss her off so much. She's fine with other mums.

Sorry. I'm really stressed at the moment. I've just been in tears to my DH (now away on business for the week - half term - fantastic timing!) I can't help but take it personally.

Thanks for making it through the mammoth post. Didn't want to drip feed.
But I guess my question is - is it me?! Is it my Pnd talking?! Or is she being odd.

Not one of dd's mums! There's a mum of one of dd's friends... Complicated.

Have you considered that her DD has not received her invite 3 weeks ago and she is blanking you because she thinks you've not invited her?!

Why not text her, to sound her out without confrontation?

Make it lighthearted. i.e. "Hi X! Hope all is good with you! Just checking that X (her DD) got her invitation for Y (your DD's) party? Let me know! x"

I would not bring about a direct confrontation (at least not yet). If she is somehow not realising how she is being/is wrapped up in her own stuff, it will be awkward. If she was doing it on purpose, she will likely deny all knowledge and then act like you have this "big issue/problem" with her etc.

(The party isn't the only incident, but your post reminded me). She never speaks to me, sent her dd off on another playdate when she was supposed to come over to ours (but said my dd was welcome over to hers the next week) and then never arranged for my dd to come over either. Just odd some people are. I have to think that she must be an unhappy person if she has read into something I've done that I don't like her. Probably the same with this woman. She must be quite insecure about something, because even if you don't really like someone, most confident people are polite enough to pretend for a while.

Look she's a cow. It takes a lot of effort to blank someone and to be so rude in general.

I would just stop trying. Just ignore her. She's toxic.

I mean, what if she suddenly started being friendly? You'd wonder when she'd start being a cow again.

Your dds can be great friends in school. That's it.

If she actually deigns to talk to you then be polite but don't smile and look her straight in the eye.

Seriously, keep away from this woman. She's a nightmare and not worth your time.

It could be many things. But I wanted to give you a possible different view on this. I have aspergers syndrome which is a former of autism and really struggle socially I generally come across as awkward and weird to most people. I also suffer anxiety and can have phases where I am feeling like I can't interact properly or feel I maybe didn't interact appropriately the previous time which then leads me into more strange behaviour like avoiding people at my worst I can even go as far as crossing the street or heading in the wrong direction when I am feeling my most vulnerable. She may not mean to be acting like she is. It's hard to tell why people act the way they do as we can't walk a mile in each others shoes.

I agree that the fact the mother has whatever issues with you/life going on needn't be an issue - my youngest has been best mates for 10 years now with a boy whose mother doesn't really like me. I have no idea why - on the face of it we have lots in common, many mutual friends. And there's nothing especially weird about either of us. But she just doesn't like me, and I'll never know why. But it's never been a problem re our respective kids - we text when we have to about their social arrangements and that's that.

Next time you see her and she can't walk away, smile brightly, say Hi! Then turn and look pointedly in the opposite direction!

It's not you it's her,it could be anything her husband could have talked about you one time "oh isn't that lady nice" "wow she looks to young to have a DD that age" or she could have caught her husband looking at you or she could be jealous of how you look,your home,your car,she might feel like people like you more than her,it could be anything but remember unless you've been rude or nasty to her or gossiped about her beyhind her back that this is all her problem and not yours!

I had the same thing happen a few times in the past and I had never done anything to any of the women that did the same to me,they did speak to me after a while and admitted I'd done nothing wrong!

2 of the women they're stupid husbands had commented on the way I look which obviously didn't go down well with they're wifes and I'm not surprised.

Another 2 women told me that they thought because I wore make up and had nice clothes and seemed happy they thought I'd be a snob,that one did make me laugh still not sure how they came to have that idea of me,it couldn't be further from the truth!

It did bother me at first and for quite a while but I made other friends from doing the school runs and going to toddler groups and from that the Mum's that had judged me wrongly soon saw the truth and started talking to me and we became friends.

She sounds like a strange one OP. You're dodging a bullet there, I reckon. Don't take her behaviour personally.

I once had someone I knew come towards me in a shopping centre. As she approached and clocked me, she turned her head almost 90 degrees to the side so she was looking away. Clearly she didn't want to chat. She was, I know, very stressed at the time, her marriage ending etc. Funny thing was I didn't want to chat either, was just going to say 'hello' and keep going. It was very funny really.

It might be what Stubborn said, you are friends/acquaintances with someone she can't stand. It may also be that you simply remind her of someone she has had problems with in the past, or she wishes she had another baby, or thinks you have an easier life etc.
If she seems friendly to other mums but not you then you will just have to think "knickers to you" and leave her to it.

She's probably socially awkward. Maybe it's not about you.

There are so many reasons it could be. Maybe she has MH issues and can't bring herself to speak to people when she's stressed or down. Maybe she wants her child to have a wider circle of friends and is trying to get away from the suggestion they are inseparable best mates. Maybe she's desperate for another baby and can't bear to see you fussing over your baby. Maybe she is sick of babies and doesn't want to make friends with anyone who has to go through the inevitable obsession with nappies and weaning etc when she feels she's bored of that stage and has moved on. Maybe she just doesn't enjoy your company (which would be no reflection on you but some people just can't be bothered to make small talk with people they don't think they have anything in common with.) Maybe she's a crashing snob and you're not important/thin/rich/popular enough/the wrong skin colour/religion/nationality/class for her to bother with. Maybe she feels frumpy and dull beside you and is trying to avoid people she feels inadequate around. You'll never know. But for your own sanity - stop trying. Cut her too. Not harshly, just stop making any effort whatsoever and focus on more rewarding friendships.

I would just stop trying. She very clearly does not want to be friends or chat - but don't take it to heart. You haven't done anything wrong. Say hi in the future and smile, but don't engage beyond that. As said above, it isn't about you so stop overthinking the situation and spend your time talking to people who want to talk back! The children will continue their friendship at school, they don't have to have playdates. It isn't worth the energy OP.

thank you - I really didn't think I'd get so many replies!

Ferret - your post made me laugh out loud. Thank you

About the party invite - I handed it to her myself so she definitely has it. But like I said she's not the only one not to reply so I'm not taking this too personally.

I also get the social anxiety thing. I had Cbt years ago which really helped but with the Pnd at the moment I can feel it creeping back. I've forced myself to say hello to everyone and especially chat to some of the mums I see looking a bit left out and lost just because I know how hard it is sometimes. She chats to all the other mums and dads in the playground but of course she might still be finding it hard - I don't know it feels more personal than that somehow. Or maybe that's me?!

Ohtheholidays - ah thank you for suggesting that! But after Ds I don't think I've turned any husbands heads! I look a bit of a wreck. Plus he is sleep resistant so I always look like a walking eye bag.

Thanks again everyone.it's been eating away at me all day. i think I just need to switch off for a while (and not have ds wake me again in five minutes!)

I thought it might be missing party invite too..worth a try checking if she's coming?

For various reasons I tend to blank certain people because of real or perceived slights. I cba to confront them so that's how I deal with it. She may be like that. whatever it is, you aren't likely to resolve it so shrug your shoulders, be civil if your paths cross and you have to speak, and move on. Otherwise you are just setting yourself up for more stress

Please, everyone, be aware of prosopagnosia - face blindness - as a possibility. You are all assuming that you will be recognised, out of context, by someone who doesn't know you intimately. For a few percent of the population, such recognition is impossible.

Prosopagnosia is also called face blindness, but I do see faces. What I can't do - even with great effort - is remember them so that the person will seem familiar next time I see them. (I can painstakingly memorise lists of characteristics - "Billy's mum Sarah has long blonde hair and a sharp nose and round glasses" - but that doesn't help when I'm somewhere I'm not expecting to see Billy's mum (so someone with those characteristics is more likely just to be someone who looks a bit like her) or when she changes her hairstyle!)

These days I try hard to tell people I meet that I'm prosopagnosic, to avoid giving offence like this, but that is in itself a very awkward thing to do, even if I get the chance.

Decide exactly what you want to achieve from now on and then be businesslike and undramatic.
If I was in your shoes, I would give up on dwelling on what this person might think of you, imagine she's someone you barely know and organise playdates/party invites as you would with anyone else. Send her a round robin type text stating facts re invite. You need to hear by a particular date so you can let venue know numbers. Do no more than that.

She sounds like a cunt OP - really nasty and for whatever reason she does not want to be mates

So just ice her back - give her nothing but bare civility . And I know it's hurtful but one day you will stop caring - promise

I think on the one hand I'd avoid her and on the other hand I'd tackle it straight on as NavyandWhite and another poster said and go and ask her what's happening.

Only you know if you're ok with fronting up to her!

Why people do this I don't know! I suppose some of us like you and I etc are normal straight talking people and others aren't.

I have known people I'd have classed as friends do this though. Avoid etc. I know it's not me even though I'm eccentric from time to time. Fuck em!

And please don't let her upset you
she is NOT your friend - but some coincidence you are located in the same geography - and you gestated at the same time - be very focussed and don't give some random woman the power to make you feel shit - please !

Prosopagnosic there's face blindness and there's being an utter cow. This woman would have had face blindness happen to her before now eg with recombining faces, wouldn't you think? I'm sure it just doesn't spring out of nowhere!

Don't think too much about it OP.
I don't talk to a few of the mums by daughter is friends with its no big deal.
Just be happy she has friends.

I had to go DS school today to fetch him home from a trip overseas. Just incase..