to be p**sed off with him?

[Mrstumbletap]

My DH works full time in retail so gets a mid week day off but works on a Saturday, he informed me last night that he is taking up a new hobby - golf.

This will be on Sunday's and probably 2 Sunday's a month. He is doing this with a few friends that don't work on a Saturday, so now the only day we have off as a family (Sunday) he will be missing for 3/4+ hours.

I'm pissed off, he thinks I am being unreasonable. I am annoyed that every other week we won't be able to do anything all together and will feel like I am waiting for him to get home. If he goes early in the morning, we don't get that lazing about drinking coffee with DS crawling into bed and all just chilling together. If he goes at lunchtime, we can't all go out for lunch, zoo, soft play etc whatever because he won't be there.

OP- I also looked back and you suggested that the golf was replacing lazy mornings in bed, so I don't think I missed the point. If you do go swimming, and do lots of activities etc on Sunday morning then I can see why that would be good. Unless there's a back story I'm missing, you can arrange zoo etc on every other Sunday though or in afternoons when he's back.

Would probably be nice for you to arrange something with your friends too for every other Sunday.

I do apologise if I'm posting too much here, but it is annoying me that you seem to deny him one 3-4 hour period every fortnight when he can just be himself, and not dad. I do apologise if it feels like I'm getting on your back too much here, that isn't my intent so will step back a bit here now.

I do hope you take this on board though, you both are allowed to do things that don't involve the children for short periods. That is not being a bad parent or anything, in fact it's very healthy

Actually, Trifle, I'm not missing the point. I just don't agree with it. The OP's attitude is the one I find distasteful, and I sympathise with her DH's response. Rightly or wrongly, if someone suggested I was "rude" to want a bit of time to myself*, because they want to watch cartoons in bed in my presence, I'd probably react negatively too. I might even become rude about it, if they were sulky and childish.

(*assuming the equivalent amount of time was on offer for them to have time to themselves, obviously)

Agree completely with Trifle

But it's not about the OP having me time, it's about them being together as a family. Whether that's doing something or doing nothing, the OP is upset at the loss of their family time.
If he was out 8-1 then it wouldn't be so bad, but it's more likely to be the middle of the day like today, which means they can't really do anything before or go anywhere after.
It's the lack of discussion or compromise that's the worst part of this. I think either 1 in 3 weekends and whatever time he chooses would be OK, or 1 in 2 but he's out early and home in time for lunch.

But two Sundays a weekend as 'family time' (makes me nauseous saying it) is perfectly acceptable isnt it? Its not like he or you work away all week!

and why do people always seem to equate this 'family time' bullcrap with going out? Why cant people have 'family time' at home from 2-5 for instance?

The point, surely, is that if you are a family with small DC, one of you doesn't make the unilateral decision to take up a new hobby which will impact on family time. It's something that needs to be discussed and a compromise reached.

He sounds extremely thoughtless op.

Diseases from your post it makes it look like DH, does nothing but work or look after DS, so let me just give a bit more info. DH sees friends on his day off with DS, goes to the pub/curry night with friends sometimes in the week. This week went to the driving range on Tuesday and football on Wednesday. Big night out with the boys last Friday night. So this isn't the only time he gets to himself. He sees his friends a lot and works a lot less hours than me.

Example of our free time - phoned DH on Friday afternoon (4pm) to check how our DS was as he had been a bit poorly when dropping him at nursery that morning, and DH was at home having a chill out and coffee whilst DS was still at nursery. I often come home and DH has been up town to get his hair cut, go clothes shopping etc. He has a lot of spare/social time in the week he laughs about it himself, and I do not mind one bit, but Sunday's has ticked me off, and I don't know why!!

He's the one missing out on your DS growing up. My BIL is like this but it's work with him and it makes me so cross. He goes to work at 7am comes home 6.30-7.00pm (own business) Monday to Sunday. On the Sunday comes home around 2pm for food then takes his DD down his parents where I'm told by my niece "reads their papers". Sometimes he takes her to Tesco to get supplies for work. He does bugger all with her and is missing out on how delightful she is. His loss.

I can't believe people think his behaviour is ok.

When you are jointly responsible for a little human, you don't just pick a hobby which takes up half of all free family days in the month and assume the other person will be ok with this. Your time is not necessarily your own when you are a parent, and it is utterly shit and selfish behaviour to give up time with your child to spend with your mates at the expense of your partner, who now faces a second day she isn't working doing solo childcare due to the choices made by her partner over his working and leisure hours that she isn't allowed any say over.

Op, every time he is getting ready to leave for golf, get up and walk out. Leave him with ds and no choice but to be a parent. That is what he is doing to you, after all. If he complains once you return that you have ruined his golf trip, simply reply 'Tough.'

When he gets frustrated being default parent because you want to be selfish, you can have a proper conversation about how selfish he is, and come to a compromise that will mean you spend some time together as a family.

So it's gone from he works full time and spends his day off with DS to he barely works or spends time with his child because people agreed he could have a hobby and not be dictated too.

Id be pissed off. There needs to be a compromise. Family life is important and it cant always be about what he wants to do. Essentially you have no free time as your weekend is then spent on your own looking after your ds.

If your son is in nursery (your previous post said he looked after him on that day) then I have more sympathy with your viewpoint.

I wish people would stop focusing on the couple of hours first thing Sunday that they spend watching cartoons.

Look at the actual time he'll be out of the house. Now look at what he does with his time the rest of the week. Not to mention the amount of discussion there was about it.

As a matter of interest, OP - does he share household duties? Does he wash, cook, clean and shop as well as look after DS (sometimes)?

Golf is the ideal hobby for men who want to absent themselves from family life. You aren't being unreasonable at all OP.

What do people actually do during 'family time' that is so enjoyable for every member?
I adore the bones off my family, but there isn't many activities that all 4 of us like to do. Eg the girls love the park, not great fun for me or dh: same with eg legoland, sitting on a caterpillar ride going at 2mph again not my idea of fun. If I go swimming I'd prefer to swim, they'd prefer to jump off a float. Not the same movie choices either. I find 'family time' overrated. The only thing we love love love doing together is chilling out at home, every Sunday Avo we're all in a heap on the couch reading, chatting, watching to, eating chocolate. But, that can be done at any time. The op could compromise here, all the things she has listed as wanting to do can be done at any point in the remaining 8 hours every other Sunday.

I think your dh is digging in his heels, perhaps he hasn't thought it through and now won't back down.

I doubt either of you will agree and for now I would just let it go.

When your dh recognises he is losing out on family time he will change his mind but I suspect if you push it further, trying to change his mind YOU will just feel more hurt.

Sheldon Where did I say he barely works? Where did I say he barely spends time with our DS?

Saying he has more spare time than me doesn't mean 'he barely works', it means he has more spare time than me. DH would hole heartedly agree with this.

DH works on a Friday but was home drinking a coffee by 4pm, this wasn't his day with DS.

I haven't dictated anything to anyone, I have said how I feel.

What free time do you get, OP?

He only told you last night - you haven't even given it a chance to see how it goes. He might get home and you could spend a lovely afternoon together, or he might have spent a few Sunday's playing golf, realised he wasn't that much into it and it could have fizzled out. Instead you've add such a fuss over it that he's probably now determined to go even more often.

He mentioned that he has an interest in something and you've completely derided him for it. I fully agree with a previous poster who mentioned swapping the genders involved. If he was trying to stop you from leaving the house for a few hours there'd be cries of LTB and you'd have everyone telling you that he's a controlling twat.

By only doing this for a few hours every other week, he probably is compromising.

I could undertsand if he worked away all week, but presumably he's home on weeknights and mornings, and any time he spends with you and his son is "family time". Doesn't have to be all three of you together.

There's a mixed bag of responses here but I really think YABVU.

User, 'he told her' - that is the point. There was no discussion and little warning.

How would it be if the OP, told him she was going to be off on her own the next day with no discussion or thought for the other members of the family?

I find men with hobbies attractive, I think OP should find a hobby herself.it will enrich your relationship.use the few hours on Sunday to cook etc and let him do he same on his midweek day off cook, clean and pick DS from nursary earlier. He can do something with his DS Alone.

Winter is coming, he might not be so keen in the freezing cold! My dh played golf for a while. Sometimes in the summer went at 5am and was back by 9am. Not played for a few years now. This phase might pass, his mates might not be free every other week. It could all be pub talk at the moment and might not be as bad as you think.

I'm with you OP. It's not that I don't think everyone needs downtime, of course they do. But would you have taken up a hobby that took you out every second Sunday without discussing it with your DH first? No, you wouldn't have.

And family time isn't necessarily about the parents, it's about the child (your son) spending time with both his parents at once. It's not about parents loving it and enjoying it, but realising it's important for their child.