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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu want dp to be SAHP.

76 replies

Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 14:53

I gave up a very good job 8 years ago as i couldn't find childcare for my Autistic ds. Now we have 2 more dc. So 2 ds with ASD & Dd almost 3.

I earned more than dp but he couldn't cope with ds. He earns decent money but we are far from rich!

8 years on & I've been offered a once in the life time opportunity but it means long hours/travelling & part time is not an option.

I wantvto just try it. Dp absolutely refuses.
Hes totally refusing to consider it.

I'm literally crying out of frustration...

AIBU to expect my dp to do what i do?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 23/10/2016 14:57

Hang on, he's your partner, not your husband? You've given up a good job to be a SAHP without any kind of legal backing if you split up? OP, you know better than that!

When you say he can't cope with your son, what do you mean? How old is your son?

dingdongdigeridoo · 23/10/2016 14:59

It's a tricky one. Have you looked at all options for childcare? If you're both earning a good salary you might be able to get a nanny who has worked with ASD children. It'd be cheaper than three lots of after school clubs anyway. I know how frustrating it is. I couldn't put my DS in after school club because of his aspergers. There must be some way around it.

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 23/10/2016 14:59

So youou know DP can't cope, but you want him to cope?
He can't can't cope, but he magically can when your travelling off somewhere?
Can't cope, but suddenly he can when your working long hours?

I don't get it?

Original poster
Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 15:01

I hsd no choice. We had used nurserys, childminders & 2 aupairs but no one would stay.
I have had an income over the years. Our home is my property & in my name etc so I've covered myself as much as possible but a far from ideal situation to end up in.

Ds is 11 now. Dp does almost nothing with ds as ds will not engage with him or anyone if in in the room.

OP posts:
Lelloteddy · 23/10/2016 15:02

How would your partner becoming the SAHP impact on your son?

TheNaze73 · 23/10/2016 15:02

I don't get what you're saying?

Why on earth aren't you married?

DeathStare · 23/10/2016 15:02

He can't can't cope, but he magically can when your travelling off somewhere?
Can't cope, but suddenly he can when your working long hours?

Of course he can cope. It's just a matter of learning to cope. The OP had to learn how to cope didn't she? She wasn't born knowing how to parent her children

Original poster
Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 15:03

Dp is totally able deal with all the dc. He finds it easier to leave it to me.

If I am not here they are fine.

I would continue to deal with all the school/Camhs/LEA/PB stuff as there dp would be out of his depth.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 23/10/2016 15:04

I'd take the job, find wrap around childcare and you partner will have to cope when you're away. Like you do.

I'd never be dependant on a man who 'can't cope' (diddums) with his own children and wasn't married to me. He has all the advantages and you're stuffed if he decides he 'can't cope' being in a relationship with you in future.

ConvincingLiar · 23/10/2016 15:04

It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. But you are not unreasonable to want:

  • fulfilment out of the house
  • financial security
  • some acknowledgement of your contribution to the family
  • a partner who can pull his weight with his children
PotteringAlong · 23/10/2016 15:04

Ds will not engage with him

Doesn't sound an ideal basis to make him a SAHP then.

Brutally, if he won't engage with DP and you want him to look after him then you might as well pay someone after school for DS to not engage with and you both work?

Original poster
Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 15:04

Just never had time to get married. Never considered it important.

OP posts:
Bluesrunthegame · 23/10/2016 15:06

I'm confused by some posters who are asking about marriage. Why should this matter?

I also can't see why your partner can't at least try the new situation. If it works, that's good, if not, you can decide on doing something else. You gave up your job to deal with things, he could surely do the same, or at least try it for a while.

Original poster
Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 15:06

Find me childcare for 2 ASD dc plus a 3 yr old & all my problems would be solved!
It doesn't exist.

Ds will engage with dp if i am not here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 15:08

I am asking dp to give it a go for 3 months from January to April. That's all. He could take a leave of absence or find a new job.

I can potentially earn alot more than him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 15:13

Or maybe I am unreasonable...

I struggle with having to think about money constantly. Dealing with everything to do with both ds SN.
I struggle with the fact i am getting older with fewer & fewer prospects whilst dp does what he wants.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 23/10/2016 15:13

Tricky one. I would be thinking of what would happen if it didn't work out, for example if your ds missed you too much or your dh couldn't cope.Then you could both end up with no job which in the current financial climate, I would not risk.

Thefishewife · 23/10/2016 15:15

Sorry I don't believe you op you tell us that Nannay and au pairs wouldn't say I would imagine they couldn't cope either

And knowing children with SN they don't often cope with change well

Original poster
Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 15:16

Ds doesn't miss people, he's very affected by his autism.

Im more worried dd3 will miss me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 15:20

Sorry you dont believe Nannys & Aupairs wouldn't stay??? Thefishewife Hmm

They couldn't cope, thats why they wouldn't stay or work for me.

Poor ds used to scream & bang his head for hours & hours every day...

Chikdren with SN don't cope well eith change but can be prepared for changes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 15:22

Excuse typos in the car!
Last post was for thefishewife

OP posts:
MrsCookieMonster78 · 23/10/2016 15:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable if your DP can take a leave of absence and you can try it for 3 months. You have done it for years why can't he try it for a period, he may even enjoy it. Also from what you have said he can and does care for kids at some times so with planning hopefully they will cope. Would you be able to afford some extra help for him with your increased salary. I know you said it is difficult to find care but may be easier if he was there at the time aswell? Are the kids in school/playgroup?

myownprivateidaho · 23/10/2016 15:30

Ignoring the marriage issue, which does leave you vulnerable, I think YABU to expect your DP to give up his job. No one should have to leave work if they don't want to. I would be very unimpressed if my DH made such a demand of me, whatever the reason. You should go ahead and try the role, and use your wages to fund childcare.

dingdongdigeridoo · 23/10/2016 15:32

Have you looked for a nanny with actual qualifications and experience of dealing with ASD children though? That's very different to leaving your children with an au pair, who is usually young and inexperienced. Of course the latter isn't going to cope.

ProppedUp · 23/10/2016 15:32

No answers, but I can see why you're frustrated. As I read it, you have picked up because someone had to, not out of choice / best option in the circs.

I have DC with SN. I am the WOHP as it is better for our family that way (earnings etc), although I have wanted to part time or SAHP it's just better this way. However DH is fantastic with DCs and I would be nervous if we swapped. But, either way, it's all about learning and making it work - I took on a new role (part time not an option, long hours, but very good progression) and that was scary too!

It should be a decision for the benefit of the whole family, looking at wellbeing, finance etc. I think YANBU to ask, and even hope, that your DP would give a trial a go - you should be equal partners in all responsibilities. However I can understand why he might be scared (does he think he will progress in his job? Does he think it would harm his own career? Does he worry 3 months would easily turn into a year or always?).

I don't agree with your DP, I can just see the fear. I can also see why you're so frustrated, it would also potentially be just beneficial for you not to be the one taking care of the DCs as it's so emotionally and mentally draining. But overall, YANBU to expect your DP to be open to sole care of your DCs e.g. as a SAHP.

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