Aibu want dp to be SAHP.

[Winniethepooer]

I gave up a very good job 8 years ago as i couldn't find childcare for my Autistic ds. Now we have 2 more dc. So 2 ds with ASD & Dd almost 3.

I earned more than dp but he couldn't cope with ds. He earns decent money but we are far from rich!

8 years on & I've been offered a once in the life time opportunity but it means long hours/travelling & part time is not an option.

I wantvto just try it. Dp absolutely refuses.
Hes totally refusing to consider it.

I'm literally crying out of frustration...

AIBU to expect my dp to do what i do?

[SpecialStains]

Hey OP.

It sounds tough, but I think you need to take this job. Your DP is being very unreasonable.

If your older DC are at independent schools, is there the chance they could become weekly boarders? The routine of boarding school (school, club, dinner, prep, free time then bed) might suit them? Sorry if it's a ridiculous suggestion.

Good luck and I hope you can take this job.

[Cucumber5]

I think you need two very different types of care and you can both afford it if earning more.

It's important you both feel fulfilled.

[Tigsteroonie]

Your DP may be a little in shock at the idea. He's always earned, you've always done the majority of childcare. It may be male pride, it may even be fear that he cannot be as good as you are of taking care of them all. Do you have the option of giving him a little time to get used to the idea, or do you have to make a decision now?

If you take a three month trial (and your DP takes a break), do you have the option of a sensible review at that point, or might you be too committed?

I only have one child, who is ASD with severe learning difficulties and childcare for him would be prohibitively expensive. I went back to work full-time when he was a year old, and DH is a full-time SAHD. I still do all the paperwork, attend meetings, go to appointments; but he is the one who runs to school when the cold/cough gets too bad and our son is sent home; he is the one who jumps in the car when our son's school transport doesn't turn up as arranged; he is the one who comes up with activities to keep our son entertained through all the school holidays. I'm pretty sure DH would rather be working but he is not so proud as to deny that I have the higher earning potential.

[Msqueen33]

So you've basically parented on your own. I've had to handle all of the above like you. My dh does his job and I suspect he's seen all the Sen stuff as my job. Like you my emotional health has taken a battering. I'm not the same person I was a few years back. Whereas his life hasn't changed as I've accommodated him. Your dh needs to work with you. Sen kids are hard work. I've felt as a person I've sacrificed myself (which to a degree I've accepted as I adore my kids) but my husband hasn't had to. I've done it. I'd expect a reason discussion. Assuming they are all his children? And it's not him sticking to his guns as the kids aren't his biologically. I suspect if my dh did what I do the house would be a tip, he'd be super stressed, wouldn't help at all at weekends and we'd have a cleaner. Your dh needs to think that you need the opportunity to work now and he either has to attempt to find childcare or take a leave from work for a while.

[Bruce02]

How sure are you that he will actually do anything if he is a sahp?

You say he will have to, but he doesn't really.

I think you sound like you need to take this job but it's not going to be as simple as making him the sahp and all is well.

[AppleAndBlackberry]

I think I'd take the job if I were you and try to find childcare, even if that means 2 specialist nannies. Agree that it would be good if DP was more supportive but I don't think you can make him do it.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

OP if this job hadn't come up would you still be intent on returning to work? Or is it just this job that you think would be perfect? Personally having heard your circumstances I don't think a full time/full on job that requires travel is the best fit for your family and can see it being extremely stressful for you and your DC. But I do think you should be able to work, just maybe in a less demanding job. We all have to compromise on that to make it work for our families. The issue is that until now your DP hasnt had to do any compromising at all. He gets to have as many kids as he likes and it has zero impact on his life other than more people in his house.

I am loathed to advise an ultimatum but in your shoes I would be very tempted. I think he needs a rude awakening about how fucking easy he has had it until now. Putting this job aside (as I genuinely don't think it's workable) I would be telling him that you will be returning to work and that you now want to sit down and have a serious conversation to make a plan for that to happen. Outlining when you would like to start work, what hours you think you want to do, and what house and DC stuff he will now be taking over from you to redress the balance in the house. He should be starting now to develop his relationship with eldest DC and gradually increase his involvement in all the administration, appointments etc so that by the time you are expecting to start work he isn't capable of doing all the roles he will be assuming.

It's really up to you what the consequences for him refusing this are but I wouldn't be staying with someone who failed to support me and my 3DCs beyond financial support.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

is capable

[MrsCookieMonster78]

OP I'm actually amazed there are people who don't agree and think you are unreasonable to expect your DP to be a SAHP. You are only expecting him to do a portion of what you have done for the past 8 years. I could make lots of suggestions like help from family, 2 nannys, clubs etc but I'm guessing you had thought of all of this already. I think you have a much bigger problem than this job, your DP is useless and clearly doesn't care enough about you or the kids.
Apart from anything else he should want to be involved with all the stuff you have mentioned in relation to the kids. You need to find a way to take this job that works for the kids and I would be seriously considering my relationship for someone who is so unconcerned for your mental health. Best of luck op xxx

[Cakescakescakes]

I have a child with SN. It's not as simple as just 'finding a specialist nanny'. They are as rare as hen's teeth - virtually non existent in my area anyway (which is a largish city). Out of all of the SN parents I know very few have 2 working parents. And those that do both work do opposing shifts (so they never see each other) and have masses of free family childcare from grandparents etc. And then there are al the appointments that a parent has to attend (speech, OT, paeds etc). I do about 2 afternoons a week in therapy appointments etc at the minute and a nanny couldn't do that anyway. I feel for you OP - I really do. My DH has very little clue what it is really like being the parent who bears the brunt of all the SEN admin.

[Winniethepooer]

Thanks Cake.
I shouldn't have posted in AIBU as so few people understand what it's really like.
We have no family nearby. We hardly see any family members. None at all from dps family.

Yet my family think they totally understand.

In nearly every SN family I've meet the mother is the main carer. I know one family where the dad is the main carer.

I know 2 families where both ostents work but the both have good family support.

All of these families have only 1 or 2 dc. I only know 1 other family with more than 1 SN dc.

Very likely I won't take the job.
I do resent dp. I resent my dc.

This isn't how my life was supposed to be. I don't have choices like other people do.
Its best not to think or dwell on it as it does nothing.

[RandomMess]

It's sh*t Winnie it really is it's very painful losing our dreams no matter how much we love our DC.

[Msqueen33]

I'm very much with you on resentment. My dh has told me he's doing his sport on two consecutive nights this week. I asked him last year to please discuss it with me as although I don't resent him doing it the commitment means if I've had a shit day I'm left on my own. He didn't. Needless to say I'm even more hacked off.

I love my kids and I think i maybe could have coped with my sanity intact just when only one had Sen but with two I feel like someone has beaten the crap out of me.

Could the job be more flexible? Is there anyway they'd work around you? I know the answer is likely to be no.

You have my sympathy plus a vast of wine or chocolate depending on what you prefer.

[Stevefromstevenage]

Yet my family think they totally understand

Well at least this thread is giving you insight into your family so OP. Some people who have virtually no insight proffering opinions when they really shouldn't.

I really hope you get somewhere with this. It seems damned unfair.

[Winniethepooer]

Thank you Msqueen.
I dont think that particular job could be flexible but I am considering setting something up & working for myself. I could work kind of freelance. I'm sure this company would supply work.

I totally understand, you love them with every being in your body. You have to or else you'd walk out the door!

But it's exhausting & draining. Totally thankless. I don't have a happy story where my boys have improved so much blah blah...

The reality is, if I'd known how little progress my older ds would make by secondary school I would have given up.

I don't drink or smoke. I think i might need chocolate or haribos tonight!

Thankyou. Look after yourself. X

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Your DP is a dick. He is. Unfortunately that means it's more important that you have prospects and financial security.

Is there anything you could try that doesn't involve him? Two nannies? Wrap around care at school?

You could ask if he'd drop to four days a week or something but he seems completely unhelpful and very unlikely to support you at all. Worth asking though, I suppose. Any chance your new employer may allow you to condense into four days if you explained you'd have to turn down the job otherwise?

This is hugely unfair. I feel for you completely. You're in a really vulnerable position with the lack of marriage and he's acting like a proper twat.

[Bruce02]

I am so sorry you have no support. Not even your dp. Wether you take this job or not, thinks in your house need to change.

[mycatstares]

I don't understand why you had 2 more children if your dp couldn't cope with the first dc?

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

Your husband is being very unreasonable. The children are a joint responsibility and I think he has had a good crack at the whip whereas you have been presented with a brilliant opportunity that you want to take.

Can't he go part time and then collect the children from school? Or can you ask for this post to be part time or ask if they will let you work from home some days?

I don't think your life should be over just because of your boys dx, in that case I'd rather seperate and make my ex have them on a weekend so that I could have a life.

Resentment is like drinking your own poison so I would recommend having another word with your dh.

[femfemlicious]

Gosh I'm crying now because I know how you feel. I have twins, one of whom is asd. Their father has left me to it and it's soul destroying and I'm falling apart.

I wish I had a high flying career like you have a chance at that would make me able to get child care and get out and work. Please try to get child care for your kids and get out there and make a life for you self. How can one totally sacrifice self. It's just NOT FAIR. Right now I'm falling into depression because there is just no hope in sight you still have a chance.

[HappyInL0nd0n]

Sorry you're having a tough time, OP.

I wouldn't be a SAHP even if my husband could earn ten times as much as me - I'm just not cut out to be a SAHP.

So, I don't think it's unreasonable for him not to want to take on this role in your family.

I do think it's unreasonable that you are taking on that role if it's not what you want.

I have no idea how difficult it is to find care for an autistic child, so my comment could well sound glib, but I think continuing to investigate alternative childcare arrangements is the way to go. Could there be a compromise where both of you work part time?

Again, I'm sorry you're having a tough time with this, and I hope you're able to find a way to get some kind of professional fulfilment along with your family life x

[Stevefromstevenage]

Mycat how on earth is that helpful.

[mothattack]

I'm so sorry to hear your pain and difficulty Winnie. You sound very low which I can totally understand. I have different caring responsibilities which are all consuming very often, though not DCs. I can identify very much with your losses and frustrations.

Perhaps the freelance idea will turn out to be perfect for you. I really hope so. That isn't to say you should be the only thinking of solutions. Your DP shouldn't buck up, chip in more and be more flexible. There are no easy answers but I really hope you find some thing or things that will help you x

[Msqueen33]

When you first became aware of your kids Sen how was it decided you'd be the one to stay at home? There needs to be compromises. Let's be honest being at home is far from a picnic. Throw kids with Sen into the mix and actually work is a bloody break. Shouldn't it be his turn to parent at home? I find it really hard at home. Like you I can't find childcare. Why should one partner have to completely sacrifice? If it was 'me' time people would be all over it saying you should take the equal amount of time.

[Winniethepooer]

Thank you for all the kind & positive replies.

Mycarstares
We didn't realise our oldest ds had SN until he was 2, shortly after ds2 was born.

5 years later Dd was a massive surprise/ shock as the boys were IVF babys. I was in my mid 40's.

Ds2 seemed fine. He managed fine at nursery it wasnt until Reception class that his difficulties became apparent by which time I was heavily pregnant with dd.

Had I known what I know now, I wouldn't have had any more dc. As is the case with most people I've met with SN dc.

When our oldest dc was little i took unpaid leave & it just carried on from there.

Dp would struggle to find a part time job. Again we'd have the issue of the extended holidays etc. We'd need to work opposite shifts.

Its not fair that I've lost out. None of its fair. Its the way it is...