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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu want dp to be SAHP.

76 replies

Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 14:53

I gave up a very good job 8 years ago as i couldn't find childcare for my Autistic ds. Now we have 2 more dc. So 2 ds with ASD & Dd almost 3.

I earned more than dp but he couldn't cope with ds. He earns decent money but we are far from rich!

8 years on & I've been offered a once in the life time opportunity but it means long hours/travelling & part time is not an option.

I wantvto just try it. Dp absolutely refuses.
Hes totally refusing to consider it.

I'm literally crying out of frustration...

AIBU to expect my dp to do what i do?

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 23/10/2016 15:33

You could do with someone whos used to being a carer to special needs more than a nanny, but one who is willing to take on the role of nanny to the other children.
Have you tried advertising in The Lady? www.jobs.lady.co.uk/
It's not right that you should give up hope of fulfilling your career aspirations due to your Dp not coping with the children.

JenLindleyShitMom · 23/10/2016 15:35

I'm guessing you were actively looking for work in order to be offered this opportunity. (People don't tend to knock on the door to offer SAHPs an opportunity of a lifetime) which begs the question, why hadn't you discussed and agreed what would happen with DC before starting your job search?

MrsCookieMonster78 · 23/10/2016 15:36

myownprivateidaho - her DP clearly expected her to give up work to look after the child so which she has now done for a number of years. He is both of their child and if childcare is not an option (clearly if it was she would be using it and she has said it isn't), then why shouldn't he have to do the childcare for a period. Particularly if it would be beneficial financially to the family.

SapphireStrange · 23/10/2016 15:36

He needs to step up and be a parent. Not even considering it is not very grown-up of him.

TaggieRR · 23/10/2016 15:37

If your ds doesn't cope well with change, wouldn't your inconsistent working (am guessing this as your say lots of travel) be very difficult for him. And subsequently make it even harder for your dp?

JenLindleyShitMom · 23/10/2016 15:38

I would continue to deal with all the school/Camhs/LEA/PB stuff as there dp would be out of his depth.

How when you will be away?

I've been offered a once in the life time opportunity but it means long hours/travelling & part time is not an option.

Original poster

Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 15:39

idaho i think you misread my posts.

Yes dingdong we did emoy a specialist Nanny when ds was younger.

Now the issue is having 2 ASD dc. Every agency or individual I've contacted are prepated to care for 1 child not 3.

Boys are at long last in school fulltime for the last year.
Dd will go to part time nursery after Easter.

OP posts:

flupi · 23/10/2016 15:46

It sounds to me as though this is a job you'd love to try doing but unfortunately isn't very practical for you at this time of your life. When we have children we can never know what can happen and as it turns out your children have sn which makes like even harder than for those of us without. Most people have to put themselves second after their children and it seems to me your dp for whatever reasons can't fulfil the role you want him to fill adequately. If you take the job you won't be able to rely on him any more than you currently do by the sounds of it so will need to find full time specialist child care. If this is not possible then it's a no go unfortunately. Perhaps another similar but not quite to demanding job may be out there for you - a compromise. Sorry - I don't know any families who haven't had to compromise along the way.

Creampastry · 23/10/2016 15:46

You've got to try and sort it and dh so you can give the new job a shot.... otherwise you'll regret it, and you'll resent your dh.

JoJoSM2 · 23/10/2016 15:50

I think it's unfair to expect your DP to give up their job. You just need to look harder for childcare. I'm sure there will be someone out there with ASD qualifications and experience. They won't come cheap but I don't think you've got much choice if you're keen to take the post.

gingerh4ir · 23/10/2016 15:53

hard one. If DP is refusing to give up his job you cannot force him. But I totally get your point, it's not fair on you (also agree with PP about the lack of legal protection in case if a split).

One of my DC has severe ASD so I know the issues around childcare (non existant).

Would the salary for the new role stretch enough to get a nanny?

Original poster

Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 16:01

I can't answer all the posts at the moment but i will check in later.

I wasnt looking for a job but I'm very involved in children's rights/SEND law.
Do a good bit of volunteering & through that met the company that offered me the job.

I was never meant to be away from work this long.

Dp has a job not a career.

It is near impossible to get a part time job due to the ds term dates. Both boys are in independent schools but in 2 different counties. So last summer our summer holidays lasted 9 weeks. Christmas & Easter 4 weeks. So very limited.

I've been compromising for 11 years to the poster who pointed out about compromise.

Travelling wouldn't be too often but would be 1 or 2 nights depending on where,what etc.

OP posts:

Msqueen33 · 23/10/2016 16:07

I feel for you. I have three kids and two have asd. One is in School and the other starts next year. The head teacher of my dc's School did recently ask if I would go back to work as she didn't think dc would cope with childcare. I'm not sure either. I gave up work when middle DC with asd was one as she wouldn't have coped with nursery and she didn't. My dh wouldn't have been able to have coped. He finds them hard enough at weekends. I miss working, I'm lonely, bored and financially dependent on my dh which makes me nervous. Could you potentially hire two nannies? What about someone through the school? I know what a bugger childcare for Sen kids is. It's virtually non existent.

Stevefromstevenage · 23/10/2016 16:16

OP it sounds like your DP is taking the piss. I have one child with ASD (and other AN) so we had to jump through hoops for childcare and DP now works PT to accommodate this. I fear that a number of people who have replied here have no experience with ASD and the childcare challenges (absolutely no option in some circumstances) it can bring up I have no idea why someone without experience would respond to a thread of this nature

I think the best you can hope for is getting your DP on board. He is being an absolute dick but that is realistically the only way you can take up this opportunity. Sorry it is coming to this, it must be very frustrating.

Trifleorbust · 23/10/2016 16:18

Overall, I think you have a right to some support from your DP to match the support you have given him. You are equally parents, so why should you do it all?

Original poster

Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 16:19

I think what I'm realising is that its always been me compromising.

I didn't get any choice as dp just stepped out of it all.

I went through the whole diagnostic process, even the day i was told (with both boys) that they were Autistic, by myself.

All the school stuff. The meetings at the old mainstream school. The exclusions. The CAF meetings. The LEA meetings. The Statementing process and then the EHCplan for my younger ds.

Looking for Special Schools... dealing with the schools, Social services, Camhs, CDC etc every single thing, i did by myself.

I've got both boys into 2 of the best Autistic Specific schools in the SE all by myself.

My whole life revolves around the dc needs, appointments, therapies, schools.
Just like most mothers of SN dc.

I've left a very good career. I have a very limited social life. My mental& physical health has been pushed to the brink...

What did my dp do whilst i was doing & managing this?

He was going to work.

Would dp take over all the school, social services, Camhs, LEA, stuff now? No.
Would dp pay for a cleaner? No.
Would dp pay for a carer fir the boys? No.
Would dp pay for a gardener? No
Dp has never done any of the above but i would for him & our dc.

But I would if i went to work.

It's the inequality. I could earn about £17k more per annum but suddenly that's not important. Dp would have no means of contributing financially to the house hold whereas i always have.

It all feels very unfair.

OP posts:

Original poster

Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 16:22

Absolutely agree with the posterregarding childcare for SN dc. Its slmost nonexistent. Playscheme is £400 per week 10-3 per dc.

OP posts:

yorkshapudding · 23/10/2016 16:28

I completely take your point about always being the one who has to compromise and in your shoes I wouldn't be happy.

On the other hand, my DH earns significantly more than I do and if he told me I had to give up my job and be a SAHP because he's the higher earner I would refuse. I would also be pretty insulted at the presumption that my job is meaningless and disposable because it doesn't pay as much.

Original poster

Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 16:28

I've actually made myself angry with this thread!!

Thankyou for all the replies.

I hope most of you never undrstand the enormity of having a child with SN.

OP posts:

Original poster

Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 16:29

But i did York

OP posts:

Bruce02 · 23/10/2016 16:31

Personally I have never wanted to be a sahp and wouldn't do it.

However, I am definitely a good parents.

Your dp is a dickhead and a shit dad. Why have you stayed all these years?

You can't force some to give up their job. I would hate to be financially dependent on some one else.

Bruce02 · 23/10/2016 16:33

I think the issue here is that you don't feel you chose to leave work and become a sahp. You had to because he did nothing.

However the solution isn't to make him give up work. If you manage to convince him and he leaves you in a years time. Where do you think that will leave you?

gingerh4ir · 23/10/2016 16:35

OP, is there anything where your DP is supportive? Doesnt sound like a partnership at all.

memememum · 23/10/2016 16:35

Would it be a possibility to have a specialist carer and a full time nanny?

Cucumber5 · 23/10/2016 16:36

What about a specialist school TA or similar looking after the boys and a local childminder or nursery caring for the girl?

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