Am I being a bit judgey... marriage of friends post affair...

[FantaDog]

Please bare with me it's a bit complicated!
So we're a large groups of friends/ acquaintances in our mid thirties - mostly friends since school and grew up in the same community. Two married friends in this group had an affair, divorced their partners and are now getting married. I am (was?) very good friends with the women in this, and was sort of friends with her now partner, and know both ex's quite well.
They have been together about 18 months and now planning a very lavish wedding. I, and I think other mutual friends of all involved, are feeling really uncomfortable about this wedding. They are acting very full on about it, very public and spending a small fortune of what they both term as their perfect wedding, regularly suggesting that their previous weddings (which I and many other mutual friends attended!) weren't perfect and they knew they were marrying the 'wrong person'. Its the sort of thing where it is all over fb, all they ever talk about and just seems to be getting bigger each day. I know this is probably very judgey but I find the whole thing really distasteful, and if I'm honest a bit selfish. They caused a huge amount of hurt and both ex's dealt with it fantastically in my opinion for the sake of the children involved. I feel having an affair is awful enough but this 'show' is somehow rubbing extremes amount of salt into the wound. When this all happened the now ex's were very clear mutual friends shouldn't choose sides, but now it is becoming harder to remain neutral. Also in this are 7 primary aged children - 2 of which are really upset and refuse to attend the wedding. My good friend (the bride to be) seems to have changed so much in the past 18mths, I'm finding this behaviour both shocking and so out of character for her - she seems to enjoy the upset this is causing her exH who is actually quite a decent guy. WIBU to withdraw from this whole fiasco and not get involved in the hen do or wedding? Or should I just shut up, loosen the judgey pants and support them?

It will definitely come back to bite them.

In answer to your question OP, I don't think you're being judgmental at all, however your loved up friends might disagree. The whole thing is tasteless and tacky, and incredibly insensitive. It's also a tricky situation for you. I really don't think anyone would judge you if you decided to go, or decided to not go. I probably would go, but would no attend the hen night, as I would be down with a 24 hour bug.

And now after reading this thread I can't get the song true love, High Society out of my head.

No I wouldn't go but I'd also tone down or end the friendship.

If they did it quietly it'd be different.

I'm normally not that budget but they both sound like selfish twats to me.

I think if similar happened if only be civil in social situations, wouldn't meet up with them individually and would not attend the wedding.

Affairs are dreadful and distasteful within themselves but if they were being low key about their relationship and were respectful to their exes and kids I may be able to stay friends with them.

But the rubbing it in and putting their friends and children in awkward positions? No.

They think they are all that matters not their friends and children. They are so blatant it's disgusting.

So no, I'd not turn up and hope the stylist messes up her do and he gets stuck in a dirty rubbish festering bin on stag do that'll teach them to be all showy.

Those poor kids.

If any are old enough and know each other they may well blame the other parent (is the one their parent ran off with) for their upset and that too, affect their friendships.

For those talking about not leaving marriages that are unhappy for various reasons.

If I take that to be true then why not just be separated (then you could have a new relationship) in time if it's mutually beneficial.

If you're planning to move on you'd have to deal with finances anyway so might as well deal with that anyway.

Same with kids. Your ex is going to be more agreeable with contact with the DC if you leave honestly than cheat, that's just common sense.

It's not just the fact it hurts the exes but being this flamboyant is hurting the kids but they don't seem bothered - is that something to turn the other cheek to as a friend so you don't lose your friend.

If I had a best friend and they behaved this way they would no longer be my friend let alone best friend. They would no longer be the person I loved and respected.

Natalia Presumably your relative eventually left his children when he got a better offer. Typical blokeish behaviour to move straight from one warm (but wonky) bed to another.

Thanks all,
Lots of interesting comments.
I have to admit following the affairs and subsequent break up's I tried to be as supportive as possible to friends and remain as neutral as possible. this didn't mean not empathising with the ex's sense of hurt and betrayal, but tried to avoid the mud slinging and all out war. Full credit to those involved who handled it in what appeared to be a really positive (well as much as these things can be!) way. But I do feel this new behaviour is a new low and seems a sudden need to rewrite history, blacken the previous marriages and have a total disregard for the emotions of others. The Ex-partners are being hurt again and the children are caught in the middle. I feel sad about how much my friend seems to have changed in this period of time. when this all started she at least expressed sorrow at causing pain and obviously felt torn in her decisions. though she had the affair, she seemed to have some awareness and distress at the ripples of hurt their actions caused - but not she seems to be quite content at purposefully making huge waves with a total disregard of her friends round her. I will have to give it more thought but thank you all for the advice.

To the person who said it is none of my business - I do disagree. I think all people are surrounded by others who are impacted by their actions - as a close friend, and friend to them all, she placed me and other friends in an incredibly difficult situation of cause it does not impact me to the same extent as the children or ex's but it does impact me and therefore my business is how I chose to respond to it. In my opinion affairs and betrayal in any relationships nearly always impact on a whole multitude of people surrounding that person - maybe the person/people causing that hurt do need to be more aware of that.

Meh. I can't get worked up about it.

We had this about 12 years ago. We're a big group of friends who've known each other since primary school. Two of our married friends had been married for about 8 years and had an affair with each other. They split with their partners and got hitched. We were all a bit uneasy about it at the time, but they're still together now and have kids together. They are happier than I've ever seen them and I think in their case it was the right choice. Obviously, two people got hurt but two people came out of it OK.

I never like affairs, but I don't see why you begrudge your friends being happy. Maybe they really did hate their marriages, nobody knows.

Someone up thread said that you can't help who you fall in love with, but I don't think that is true
Yeah, fair point. I just re-read my earlier comment and realise that did sound a bit flip. There seems to have been a flurry of separations and divorces among my friends and family over the last year or so, guess I was projecting a bit based on my experience not op's situation. My head's spinning from trying not to be judgey. Fuck knows. Sorry op.

I wouldn't go and I would say why.

I didn't have an affair with my husband but I was very good friends with him and his first wife and on reflection we rushed into marriage. My husband has the decency to insist that we had a very low key wedding out of respect to his son and first wife and her family. At the time I was furious as I wanted the big day but I can see he was right

Unsuccessfully adulting (how appropriate) I think you may find several of us commenting HAVE been through a marriage breakdown including as a result of infidelity. That's certainly my perspective, AND we've seen and experienced the effects on our children. My ex's now second wife who was the ow 'got it' regarding not calling his first marriage a 'mistake' and doing a toned down wedding, including my daughter in their wedding etc unfortunately my ex has NOT been so thoughtful!

Being an old git of 44 I've also seen this situation several times in my friends relationships. Some have handled it as well as possible some have handled it appallingly! Generally the adults somehow survive and emerge relatively unscathed, the kids don't!

As for it not being the op's business, given how much it affects everyone (and anyone having an affair needs to be under no illusions on that score, I even had several of my ex husband's friends - who were really only acquaintances of mine - say to me in the aftermath that it made them angry to be put in the position of effectively covering for the affair by not feeling in a position to tell me.

Plus - I have a very strong very old friendship group (30+ years) and we are honest with each other which is what SHOULD happen in friendship. Different circumstances but at various times they've issued some tough advice to me and I them.

Also as good friends you care about their children too similar to a way you are as an aunt/uncle so why wouldn't you advocate for them?

CharlestonChaplin. Obviously I'm only speaking at second hand, but I'd say you were hard on him to say he "left" his children as he seemed to spend a huge amount of time with them when they were younger. He was a very involved dad from what we all saw - and I'd say he was pretty close to the DC now they are adults.

What a bunch of judgmental bullshit.

Do you really think you know everything that's gone on in their relationships?

Everything unsuccessfullyAdulting said.

Yep I am with a couple of posters on here who think the pearl clutching judgemental crap on here is ridiculous. Yes I think they should tone it down but say something or get over it and go celebrate with them. Jeez life is too short, shit happens.

Shit doesn't just happen though. People invariably cause it through their own poor behaviour and choices.

They sound awful. Bleurgh