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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a bit judgey... marriage of friends post affair...

91 replies

FantaDog · 21/10/2016 19:52

Please bare with me it's a bit complicated!
So we're a large groups of friends/ acquaintances in our mid thirties - mostly friends since school and grew up in the same community. Two married friends in this group had an affair, divorced their partners and are now getting married. I am (was?) very good friends with the women in this, and was sort of friends with her now partner, and know both ex's quite well.
They have been together about 18 months and now planning a very lavish wedding. I, and I think other mutual friends of all involved, are feeling really uncomfortable about this wedding. They are acting very full on about it, very public and spending a small fortune of what they both term as their perfect wedding, regularly suggesting that their previous weddings (which I and many other mutual friends attended!) weren't perfect and they knew they were marrying the 'wrong person'. Its the sort of thing where it is all over fb, all they ever talk about and just seems to be getting bigger each day. I know this is probably very judgey but I find the whole thing really distasteful, and if I'm honest a bit selfish. They caused a huge amount of hurt and both ex's dealt with it fantastically in my opinion for the sake of the children involved. I feel having an affair is awful enough but this 'show' is somehow rubbing extremes amount of salt into the wound. When this all happened the now ex's were very clear mutual friends shouldn't choose sides, but now it is becoming harder to remain neutral. Also in this are 7 primary aged children - 2 of which are really upset and refuse to attend the wedding. My good friend (the bride to be) seems to have changed so much in the past 18mths, I'm finding this behaviour both shocking and so out of character for her - she seems to enjoy the upset this is causing her exH who is actually quite a decent guy. WIBU to withdraw from this whole fiasco and not get involved in the hen do or wedding? Or should I just shut up, loosen the judgey pants and support them?

OP posts:
Obsidian77 · 21/10/2016 22:22

You can't help who you fall in love with but you can help posting tacky shit all over social media. Can you have a quiet word and ask them to tone it down? They probably feel they have a lot to prove.
If it's affecting your friendship with any/all of them you should say something, if only for the benefit of the kids.

Ackvavit · 21/10/2016 22:39

Very unclassy. Been to many 2nd timer wedding events, similar cheesy themes such as you are my rock blah blah. It is really hard to say bad things as you wish them well but they are bloody smug about knowing the rules etc. I smile sweetly , we smile sweetly. As my DH of nearly 30 yrs repeats ' grass may be greener, for a bit, but it still needs mowing, in the end.

Osirus · 21/10/2016 22:47

I had a friend who did the same thing. She had an affair with her best friend's husband and they plan to marry (pending his divorce, which is turning out to be a convoluted affair!).

She's not my friend anymore.

I wouldn't go.

MyPeriodFeatures · 21/10/2016 22:53

Book a holiday now. It's sad that it's your aunt Mary's only chance to go to Timbuktu but you can't possibly let her down.

Those poor kids. In a small close community this isn't just bad taste it's bad manners. Yuck.

MoveItMoveItMoveIt · 21/10/2016 22:57

Your gut is telling you what to do. I'd quietly withdraw and say "it feels like I'm taking sides of I'm too involved I'd rather support you all from a bit of a distance."

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

user1476140278 · 21/10/2016 23:14

It's so upsetting when close friends split. YANBU, in my opinion as it all sounds very vulgar and selfish.

My good friends (two couples) who DH and I spent a LOT of time with ...two of them had an affair...it destroyed our friendship group.

JellyBelli · 21/10/2016 23:22

I dont get people who think this is ok. Can they not see how they look from everyone elses point of view?
Dont support them, OP. You;ve had a wake up call as to what they are really like.
Remember, if they will do this to the person they claim to love, they will dump on you in a heartbeat.

SailingThroughTime · 21/10/2016 23:24

Eeewwww.
I'll give them 5 years max with that attitude.
Or 25 years with 20 of those being shite but they stay together as justification.

CaptainCabinets · 22/10/2016 02:18

Just me thinking it's none of your business then, I suppose...

graphista · 22/10/2016 03:01

I'd not attend, I'd also say something. Adults being hurt by messy relationships is bad enough, but by the sounds of it they have NO consideration for their own kids!

Cuppaqueen · 22/10/2016 03:14

Wow, what a difficult situation Confused. I second what Obsidian posted - if you know them well, perhaps it's time for an honest conversation about how their very public celebration might be perceived by those who know and are close to the original partners too (I'd leave the children out of it - too explosive). In particular, the unpleasant comments about the exes, who are still your friends at the end of the day. Maybe they are so caught up in their newly found happiness, they've just lost sight of the bigger picture. You could explain that you don't want to take sides - perhaps you could just attend the ceremony to show your support but don't go to the party afterwards, sit through speeches etc. I think when people split in a close friendship group (which has happened to me, though the circumstances were different so I'm making no comparisons), everyone has to make a bit more effort and understand there are shades of grey on all sides.

Bogeyface · 22/10/2016 03:20

They have to prove that they are perfect for each other in order to justify the utter car crash that they caused. It has to be true love!

In reality, the marriage will not be a happy one and I doubt it will make 5 years.

Dont go.

No you dont have to pick sides, but no one would judge you if you chose to. Dont go. Cut them off. Stay friends with the exes

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 22/10/2016 03:31

I'd be uncomfortable with the whole thing and tell them so when you're invited to the wedding.

But yeah, my judgey pants are elasto.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/10/2016 04:30

If you know the kids well, go and be there for them. Someone sure needs to. Otherwise, give a good and legitimate excuse, don't go, back away from them and towards your preferred friends - the exes.

TheCatsMother99 · 22/10/2016 07:21

YANBU

It's tacky of them, unfair on the ex partners and mutual friends of theirs to behaving like that, let alone the kids involved. I'm not sure I'd want to know those people anymore if I'm honest.

TirednessIsComing · 22/10/2016 09:11

The people that shout the loudest are usually trying to convince themselves...

Yanbu very unfair. I'd make my excuses for the hen but also be clear that she's changed and the change isn't pleasant.

Chocolate123 · 22/10/2016 09:22

I think the big circus wedding is trying to show off that this is the real thing. How inconsiderate of them to others involved. No way would I be going and I wouldn't be making excuses I would tell her the truth. You don't need a friend like that in your life.

Aderyn2016 · 22/10/2016 09:23

Someone up thread said that you can't help who you fall in love with, but I don't think that is true. You can't help attraction but you make a choice to persue it or not. Choosing to follow up that attraction is when love happens. Married people are making a conscious decision to cheat.

People think they have a right to their happiness no matter what. It's okay to throw your family under the bus so long as it is for troooo love. It isn't. While everyone retains the right to leave an unhappy relationship, if their spouse is not an abusive arse then they should behave with kindness. When you have children, your priority should be their happiness and wellbeing - you lose the right to put yourself first no matter what.

I actually don't think there is more to this than meets the eye. Most cheaters are not in desperately unhappy marriages - they cheat hecause the opportunity arose and they felt like it. They are inherently selfish, entitled people. Agree that they are making a big show of it now to justify the car crash they have caused.

Dozer · 22/10/2016 09:25

It'd be end of friendship for me.

Foslady · 22/10/2016 09:32

When I was marrying for the 2nd time I was on a wedding forum and there was a lady on there who was deeply upset because her step daughter to be had agreed to do a reading.......until she was given it. It was a piece of prose which was all about making a mistake and how we can move on from it. She has no self awareness that this mistake was the girl's mum and the reason why the girl existed at all - no matter how many people told her that on the thread.
I just think some people are so blinkered that they never want to know

Foslady · 22/10/2016 09:34

Sorry - the work 'mistake' was meant to be in quotation marks i.e. This 'mistake' was the girl's mum

coffeetasteslikeshit · 22/10/2016 09:34

I would say something to the woman involved if I was, as you say you are, very good friends. Like a pp said, a quiet word about how they are coming across to other people. If she's a good friend then she'll appreciate it, and if she doesn't then I don't think you've lost much.

AddToBasket · 22/10/2016 09:40

I'd go to the wedding because if they are part of your long-term friendship group then this is just one of the highs and lows that groups go through. Strongly taking sides with either party is not helpful to the DC involved, who don't actually want their parents' friendships destroyed as well.

I'm a bit surprised by all the 'I'd say something' posts here. Nothing the OP says is going to make the blindest bit of difference except add more drama. The OP should just decide to do what she wants to do, not try to influence or control other people's relationships.

UnsuccessfullyAdulting · 22/10/2016 09:43

The judginess on this thread has astounded me. Especially those saying how dreadful it was for them when their friends ended their marriages because it "ruined the friendship group". Honestly some of the most pearl clutching, self involved, tunnel visioned judging drivel I've read on this site.

Worry about your own lives. You don't like people? Don't call them your "best friends" and contemplate going to their wedding. It really is that simple. And heaven forbid any of you "I've been married 30 years, 2nd weddings are so passé" ever have to end your marriages and contemplate falling in love with someone else.

Absolute drivel.

Ldnmum2015 · 22/10/2016 09:46

I would make excuses on this one, and you may find alot of others will too, so let them waste their money. Like others have said, it's a show to justify their affair and somehow they think they can rewrite history, it is completely disrespectful to their exes and kids, which as a decent person you also care about, my support will be with them on that day, is there anyway you could organise a day out with them instead! If I was one of the exes I know I would be devastated and humiliated by this circus. If this loved up couple can be so insensitive, then so can you by not attending.

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