Am I being a bit judgey... marriage of friends post affair...

[FantaDog]

Please bare with me it's a bit complicated!
So we're a large groups of friends/ acquaintances in our mid thirties - mostly friends since school and grew up in the same community. Two married friends in this group had an affair, divorced their partners and are now getting married. I am (was?) very good friends with the women in this, and was sort of friends with her now partner, and know both ex's quite well.
They have been together about 18 months and now planning a very lavish wedding. I, and I think other mutual friends of all involved, are feeling really uncomfortable about this wedding. They are acting very full on about it, very public and spending a small fortune of what they both term as their perfect wedding, regularly suggesting that their previous weddings (which I and many other mutual friends attended!) weren't perfect and they knew they were marrying the 'wrong person'. Its the sort of thing where it is all over fb, all they ever talk about and just seems to be getting bigger each day. I know this is probably very judgey but I find the whole thing really distasteful, and if I'm honest a bit selfish. They caused a huge amount of hurt and both ex's dealt with it fantastically in my opinion for the sake of the children involved. I feel having an affair is awful enough but this 'show' is somehow rubbing extremes amount of salt into the wound. When this all happened the now ex's were very clear mutual friends shouldn't choose sides, but now it is becoming harder to remain neutral. Also in this are 7 primary aged children - 2 of which are really upset and refuse to attend the wedding. My good friend (the bride to be) seems to have changed so much in the past 18mths, I'm finding this behaviour both shocking and so out of character for her - she seems to enjoy the upset this is causing her exH who is actually quite a decent guy. WIBU to withdraw from this whole fiasco and not get involved in the hen do or wedding? Or should I just shut up, loosen the judgey pants and support them?

Have a family event that weekend. If she quizzes you then tell her the truth. People fall in love and marriages fail because of affairs, but to do this is unfeeling. When my DGF remarried the woman he had left my nan for we got a postcard say they had tied then knot quietly alone. Perfect.

If people are in love and looking forward to their amazing wedding, exes shouldn't really come into this at all. I think it's become problematic as it all seems very fresh (as I understand they were married to their exes 18 months ago?) and their friends haven't kept up with them...

However, I think it's time to move on and be happy for them - they are now in a new relationship. I'd attend the hen do and the wedding. And leave dealing with children and difficult family situation to them.

Sounds like they're making a big show of it to 'prove' how right they were to get together. Justifying their behaviour.

How you handle it depends on whether you want the friendship to continue. Sounds like you've done well to keep everything amicable altogether so far but in the long run it just may not be possible.

Who are they trying to convince, eh?

I think I'd be distancing myself from people like this. But that's because I have no time for selfish people and feel that people that selfish don't make good friends.

I could just about keep quiet about the whole thing but once you said they are almost bragging etc I think that would make me turn the other way.

So distasteful and really I think they are forgetting themselves but what do you expect if they have done what they have they're hardly regretting their actions, some people have no shame!

Having said that, do check with yourself that you aren't jealous of their lavish wedding - after all you have made it this far (I mean this kindly) jealousy isn't a reason to end a friendship

I wouldn't be attending either the hen do or the wedding, best friend or not.

If appropriate for you to do so, I would try and offer support to whichever of the affected children you can e.g. by offering a day out with your DC if you think they would enjoy it and it would help.

I think I'd be stepping back from both the friendship and the wedding, they sound very selfish!

Ugh. We had a similar situation in our friend group many years ago. The man and woman who had an affair, left their partners, and married each other had the good sense to hold a small private ceremony. None of us (friend group) were even invited - it was just for their immediate family, including their children. They realised how sad and massively embarrassing it all was for everyone. What your friends are doing is really inappropriate and I wouldn't want to be involved. How hideous for their former partners.

I wouldn't judge about the affair and second marriage, but the comments on their former marriages when there are children in play are just awful.

Do you live in Hollyoaks?

I'm going to echo my two favourite replies on here.

Tacky Cunts.

A friend did similar, she had an affair and married him, she had several lavish ceremonies.

I didn't go. I told her her behaviour was wrong.

She now attempts to bad mouth the ex-wife (who the husband left holding a toddler and a less than year old baby for friend).
I cut her off each time and point out the ex has done nothing we wouldn't to protect her children.

I've lost a lot of respect for friend as a result. Weird thing is she often tries to re-write history. I've blatantly pointed out that no she had an affair.

I tried to drop the friendship but she turned up at my door! I'm cool with her and don't contact her at all unless she contacts me.

A friend of mine was on a night out with a large group of friends from school/uni and met her Ex. She was married at the time to another long-time member of the group, had constantly gone all-out to convince everyone it was soul mates and true love and all that nonsense. That night her DH was on a lad's night elsewhere and she was seen in a corner copping off with her Ex. Cue a few nervous conversations asking what was going on, denials from her and suddenly a month later she'd left her DH and moved in with her Ex. They have a little girl together, 6, who is one of the most damaged children I've ever met. They openly despise one another, her Ex-DH openly criticises and berates her in front of their DD, she talks disparagingly about her Ex-DH in front of the DD and it's all a royal fuck-up. She's planning to marry the was-Ex-now-DP. I made my excuses to avoid the engagement party and will do the same for the wedding because the whole thing makes me feel a little sick.

Your friends sound vile. Only you can tell if there's a friendship worth salvaging here, but if she's changed so drastically it might well be that this is just who she is now.

Really not got much to add to what PPs have said. I'd have to take a bit of a step back if I were you.

When my dad married the OW (who previously was a friend of my mum's and my dad was friends with her husband) they did it very discreetly (so discreetly he didn't even tell me or my sister til months later) I thought that given the amount of mutual friends they had it was a good move.

I wouldn't be attending either the hen do or the wedding, best friend or not

With all due respect - if that's the way you feel, then she is not your best friend. Or any real friend at all. Which - of course - is fine if you feel like that. But I will say that it's very easy to judge from the outside with no real knowledge of what has gone on inside relationships. With the people I've known well in this situation they have tried very hard in an unhappy relationship; his (it was the man I knew well) hadn't just upped and left because he wasn't happy. Partially I suspect that was laziness - he had an easy domestic setup - but I do believe him when he said it was mostly because he didn't want to live apart from his sons. But then he met someone and got - at least as he believed it to be - a genuine shot at real happiness. And they've been married for 15 years now, so I'm inclined to believe him.

On the other hand, though, if the ex wife is your friend as well, then it's fair enough that you feel your loyalties lie there. I'm sure the engaged couple will understand if you decline. But I think you will lose your friend. I'd think it through carefully before calling it.

Wouldn't go to their car crash wedding and wouldn't be friends with them anymore, either.

Go to the wedding? I wouldn't even be friends with them after that. Also, what's wrong with being judgmental in this situation? People are too polite.

I'd have found it pretty hard to keep a friendship going with them this far already tbh.

It was really noble of the exes to say "don't feel you need to takes sides" but you kind of did already and I bet that stung for them.

BIL has just done similar and not only destroyed SIL but is now trying to introduce the OW to our friendship group. We've all made it pretty clear we're not interested in meeting OW and pushing SIL out to accommodate the two of them.

I'd want distance as well but it depends if you think your friendship can move forward. If you'll never get past it or they have really changed for the worst is it really worth saving?

It sounds like they are trying to justify what has happened. Trying to convince themselves/everyone else that things are perfect now by making so much noise maybe? Happy relationships don't need trumpets.

It's not so much the affairs - these happen. They're wrong but I agree with PP that sometimes it really is people stuck in marriages they can no longer stand. It's more their overt celebrations. Fine, they may be happy together for decades, but they seem to be lacking respect for their former partners. I'd be distancing myself.

Spot on Gabilan. With my relative, Incan accept that they had affairs, people do every day. It was their unapologetic behaviour afterwards, her throwing her new relationship in everyone's face and stropping when everyone on her FB friend list didn't congratulate her on her scan pic (a few also mentioned her ExH's name in their congrats which she was surprised by despite only having split 4 months before and not really telling anyone). The pair of them were utterly remorseless, the exH wanted to meet new fella as he'd be moving in with his kids, and new fella refused because he was scared he was afraid he'd get punched .

NataliaOsipova I can see what you are saying. But cheating with OW was still the catalyst for relative's marriage demise

Rosie I think (and this is second hand so I'm making assumptions somewhat) he would have said it brought forward what would have happened in the end. And - it's interesting the number of times on here people shout "LTB", "LTB". In his case, he'd decided not to leave because of his children even though he was unhappy. When he felt he had a positive reason to do so (ie he'd fallen in love with his now wife) I suppose that gave him the shove to do so. I just think things aren't black and white and that it's too easy to judge. Although the case you describe does sound pretty extreme, often there isn't a "right" person and a "wrong" person - there are just two unhappy people. I also have a good male friend who has done the reverse - he and his wife separated. He met someone else. The lure of living with his children made him question whether he wanted to be with someone else. He got back with wife and now they both regret it and are getting divorced. Not sure that situation is any better or prettier for all involved, but it's not as easy to "judge".

I agree with Natalia but I would go for a discreet quiet wedding in that situation. Nobody knows what is going on in relationships but that doesn't stop people being called "cunts" and "vile" on MN from people judging.

dementedma Agreed, a little discretion probably would go a long way in the situation the OP describes!

I'd attend. I know they have hurt a lot of people but there is probably more to this than meets the eye.
Go, be civil and celebrate this happy union.