SAHMs, how much does your DH do at home?

[FlapsTie]

Specifically SAHMs of school children.

Both SIL and I are in this position, I have three dc and she has one. Our DHs (brothers) do the same job at the same company so no difference in work load etc.

DH does quite a lot around the house. He probably does almost as much washing as I do, he cooks a couple of times a week, cleans the kitchen, hoovers, tidies, as well as things like the bins and mowing the lawn. He also does all bath and bedtimes.

BIL does literally nothing housework wise, except the occasional heavy job (gutters, cutting down trees etc). He does put his dc to bed. SIL tells me he wouldn't know how to use the washing machine and has never cooked for the family.

She also does all the birthday cards, appointments, shopping, banking etc, whereas we split this stuff.

I've been having a wobble lately that I'm taking the piss out of DH. Should I be doing it all? I think it's relevant that up until a couple of years ago I worked full time, and SIL has always been a SAHM so our roles evolved differently. But should I take over the stuff that DH does now because he is the sole earner?

What's fair and AIBU?

DH has never complained by the way, but then I don't think he would, but I'm worried he's going to end up resentful, especially because he sees his brother every day and they obviously talk about their home lives. Is he getting a raw deal?

I do 90% of the housework and childcare. It used to be 100% but I got fed up and decided I needed some me time.

Dh works full time, starts at 7 and doesn't finish till 5.30. I wouldn't expect him to have to come in and cook dinner. Can you not start divvying up days for cooking?

It wouldn't occur to me to put tv on in the day

I'm a SAHM, dh works full time leaving at around 7am and getting home at about 5:30pm. Our children are 9, 6 and 2.

I do all the washing, ironing, changing beds, cleaning the bathroom, dusting, pet care, most of the cooking.

Dh usually does the weekly shop, will wash up once a week on a Sunday morning (massive bone of contention with me), he might Hoover occasionally if I ask him. He mostly deals with the garden and takes ds1 to football training. I do the rest of the ferrying to and from clubs.

I'm mainly happy with things but I do wish he would wash up more because I HATE doing it but I guess he does too so he leaves it to me.

FlapsTie, but he's just sacrificing one aspect of non-work time (sleep) for another (tv). His choice for sure, though I wouldn't put it in the same basket as one partner relaxing and watching tv while the other is involved in productive activity (be that at a job, housework, or hands-on childcare).

Sorry just read it properly that you do spilt cooking.
It is a bit unfair that he does every bath and bed though. Everything else sounds fine if it works for you both.

Why don't you ask him what he thinks?

My dh leaves at 7 and gets home about 20:30 on average and works extremely hard, as well driving the commute two hrs a day.
My two are both at secondary school and I'm currently not working.
I do pretty much all housework.
He washed cars and mows lawn, puts finance stuff on computer etc.
It currently works for us.

Dh works 3 night shifts a week, so is around the rest of the week. I do absolutely everything housework and admin wise, even down to checking and responding to his emails. He spends all of his time at home watching the TV. I'm bored shitless and want to work, but I worry about how I'll cope with a job and all the house stuff on my own, although I know there are many single parents doing just that. I really resent the fact that he does nothing. If your Dh is happy to help, I wouldn't complain.

Sorry, badly phrased...I know that you're not complaining. What I meant to say is that if he isn't complaining, then you shouldn't worry.

When I was a sahp with school kids.

Weekdays during the day time I would do the main housework. Laundry, cleaning, shopping, meal planning cooking, family admin, garden. Then those ad hoc jobs like cleaning out a cupboard, building flat packed furniture, sorting out clothes kids have grown out of, buying more.

In the evening my husband would help clean up after dinner, kids did too. I don't consider clearing up after food, picking stuff up that you have used, putting own clothes away as housework.

Weekends we would muck in together, everyone in the house is expected to clear up after themselves and chip in with food preparation. On Sunday afternoons we would have a frantic half hour tidying all the clutter away. I was happy to hoover on Monday but not pick up cups and fishnet socks from under the sofa.

Fish socks out of the sofa. Fishnet socks was an autocorrect

Ok so for example this morning, DH got up and showered, brought me a coffee and left for work at 6.30.

I got up at 6.45, drank my coffee, woke the kids up. Spent the next hour chivvying the older two up and out and sorting ds2 with breakfast and getting ready. Put a load f washing on. Walked to school and back (two miles).

Came in, made a coffee, watched an episode of Gilmore Girls, paused it when the washing machine beeped, hung out the washing and put another load on. Made another coffee, put the telly back on and that's where I am now.

I'll probably relax until lunchtime before having something to eat, I'll clean the kitchen including breakfast stuff, empty the dishwasher from last night. Take the dog out for an hour, put some clean washing away and then leave for school.

DH will be home just as we get back. He'll make me a coffee and then go and play the guitar for an hour. I'll make dinner, one of the teenagers will moan and whinge wash up, DH will put ds2 in the bath and then bed and then we'all sit down and watch tv together.

That's a general school day except two evenings DH takes dd to an activity after dinner and two evenings he goes out after bedtime. I'll do things like clean the bathrooms, sort out cupboards, clean windows etc throughout the week as well.

At the weekends I lie in until 9 or 10 and he gets up at 7ish and watches tv or does his martial arts stuff in the garage. Once everyone's up he'll run the hoover round if needed and he'll usually clean the kitchen because whichever teenager washed up last night won't have done it properly. He'll get some washing on (there's always some to do). I'll make a cooked breakfast and a decent dinner. Anything else that needs doing will jut get done by one of us. DH quite often gigs on a Saturday night which means I do bedtime that night, or cheat and let ds2 sleep in DDs room and let them watch a film.

Do you think that sounds like a fair split or should I be finding more things to do during the day?

Depends - is there stuff that can be done in the day that would mean it isn't needed doing at weekends?

Haha for some reason the "fishnet socks" really made me laugh! Bloody fishnet socks. I don't blame you for refusing to tidy them.

Are you serious? Yes you are taking the piss watching tv all morning.

I'm not being nitpicking here but he makes you coffee twice a day? Do you make him coffee?

Anyway, I don't know why he needs to hoover at the weekends unless you're one of those mad families that hoover 365 days a year.

I also think doing bath/bedtime every single night is pure drudgery for anyone, so you may think about sharing that one.

I also think that even if the SAHM doesn't eat dinner herself, a bit of prep for the rest of the family is only fair. At least peel some spuds and leave them in water.

Not really. I could find things to do and we could live in a spotless house I suppose, that's certainly what my mum thinks I should do. Our house is mainly tidy and mostly clean but there's always room for improvement I suppose.

I could stop DH doing chores at the weekend though and do it myself. He does bedtime for ds2 because otherwise ds2 demands I stay with him and it becomes a huge battle. He coslept until very recently.

I find it odd that posters think it unfair for the dad to do bedtime every day. Do your DHs not want to spend time with their children? Because bedtime isn't simply a chore to be done. DH and I do it in turns but it's more meaningful for him because he sees less of DD.

I do all the laundry and shopping in the day. I do bits and bobs of cleaning but it's not my forte. DH does all the evening washing up (I hate washing up with a passion and really want us to get a dishwasher, he's happy doing it so that's where we are at the mo). Tidying up gets done as and when by whoever, I try to keep on top of the living room so we have somewhere reasonably to collapse in the evening. I do birthdays (though not his family) and school stuff. I do mine and DD's ironing.

DH will sporadically do a deep clean of a room. He's really much better at housework than me!

Oh, and for what it's worth, DH would far rather I went to galleries or museums than spend my days doing housework.

He makes me coffee a lot more than twice a day. I had a thread about how I never make it myself if he's in the house and got SLAUGHTERED.

If I'm not eating he'll do something easy like a ready made pie and chips or something, so no prep needed. I do cook them all a spaghetti bolognese or something a couple of times a month if I'm not eating (I don't eat it).

I do make him a cuppa if he wants one but he only really has one when he gets up and I'm still snoring.

Different strokes for different folks. As long as everyone's happy it doesn't matter. I'm on mat leave with 9 month old. I do all housey stuff except bins (we both do bin emptying) and all childcare mon to fri with early starts/bedtimes shared at weekend (although I probably still do a bit more).

Wait, how do you cook a breakfast for everyone at the weekends if you have a lie in until 10? Aren't they starving?

I'm in a similar position to you as I have 3 children (although a little older than yours) two older and 1 at primary school. I worked full time until two years ago but don't work now due to health problems (CFS/Fibromyalgia). I do most of the cleaning, all of the cooking, all of the washing and all the running to activities but dh and the older children do all the heavy stuff ie gardening, taking laundry upstairs, some of the hoovering. Dh works very part time but he is a good bit older than me. I fit in a lot of Mumsnet during the day.

You need to talk to him about it and see if he's happy with the split. Could you do more? I don't think I could do much more without exacerbating my health problems.

It sounds ok to me except that I'd try to get all the washing done Monday to Friday and definitely get the hoovering done in the week - just to give you both a more relaxing weekend.

Cooked breakfast is at about 11am, that's fairly normal I should think. Brunch, innit.

I think DH does way more than you. If he's happy, than fair enough, but you ought to check that he is, and it's not just a case of he hasn't readjusted from you having a child at home full time and is starting to resent the amount of free time you have!
Sounds like you have 2 teenagers and a 4/5 year old - so the actual hands on childcaring is not onerous.

I'd expect you to be doing all the general housework/washing etc during the week. And at weekends you share anything that comes up - which should just be general day to day stuff - so no washing/hovering/kitchen cleaning.

You've made your day sound busy, but the reality is that you've taken the DC to school, picked them up, cleaned the kitchen and done a load of washing. Pretty much what I did before 9am today (well, not picking the DC up from school obviously ...). And then DH gets home and you share everything.