SAHMs, how much does your DH do at home?

[FlapsTie]

Specifically SAHMs of school children.

Both SIL and I are in this position, I have three dc and she has one. Our DHs (brothers) do the same job at the same company so no difference in work load etc.

DH does quite a lot around the house. He probably does almost as much washing as I do, he cooks a couple of times a week, cleans the kitchen, hoovers, tidies, as well as things like the bins and mowing the lawn. He also does all bath and bedtimes.

BIL does literally nothing housework wise, except the occasional heavy job (gutters, cutting down trees etc). He does put his dc to bed. SIL tells me he wouldn't know how to use the washing machine and has never cooked for the family.

She also does all the birthday cards, appointments, shopping, banking etc, whereas we split this stuff.

I've been having a wobble lately that I'm taking the piss out of DH. Should I be doing it all? I think it's relevant that up until a couple of years ago I worked full time, and SIL has always been a SAHM so our roles evolved differently. But should I take over the stuff that DH does now because he is the sole earner?

What's fair and AIBU?

DH has never complained by the way, but then I don't think he would, but I'm worried he's going to end up resentful, especially because he sees his brother every day and they obviously talk about their home lives. Is he getting a raw deal?

[arethereanyleftatall]

I would feel guilty if I didn't work whilst dh is working. So, yes I do all hw. I get it all done whilst the dc are at school so nothing at all to do at weekends, and everyone can enjoy the weekend relaxing or hobbies.

[isittheholidaysyet]

I've only scanned the thread, but here's what happens in our house.
DH's work is based from home, but he is out a lot, especially evenings.

We wake together and get the kids up and ready, but most of this falls to DH as I get showered dressed (and sometimes breakfasted), but he doesn't. Once I've left for school with kids he gets dressed and ready on his own.

He has appointed himself dishwasher king (as he get stressed if it is not done 'properly'!). He likes to blitz the kitchen cleaning on his (weekday) off. I do all the cooking as a general rule, but he will do it if I'm running around taking kids to activities and we need food ready to go for a certain time, and he's at home. I do all clothes washing and drying, but if he sees a wash needing to be hung out and he has a few minutes he'll do it. We don't iron much, but once or twice a week one of us will iron work shirts and school uniform whilst watching TV, often DH, because I'll be doing other jobs or dealing with kids.

I usually do bedtime as he is usually at work. If he's in we muck in together and he likes to have a chance to do bedtime now and again. If I am out in an evening, he has no problem doing it all.

DH mows the lawn the rest of the gardening doesn't get done.

DH does finances, but i'll often do practical things like going to the bank.

DH is excellent at getting the kids to tidy up, whereas they won't do it for me. So I often find him lying on the sofa directing operations!

We see it as a partenership. Yes I have the bulk of the housework and home/kids organising, and he earns. When he's finished work, we then share rest and family time and what work is left to be done.

[MrsKellyJones]

Monday to Friday he gets in and spends time with the DC including bath and bed time stories etc - that's the extent of it. Because I've been home to do what needs doing, we both sit down at 8 and stop. At weekends he mucks in with anything that needs doing including birthday parties, cooking etc

I still have small people under my feet 3 days a week but try and do a bit less on the other 2 days but I'd feel pretty rotten if he'd worked all day and then still had to come and do a load of chores when it only takes 5 minutes to turn the washing machine on and 10 minutes to hang it all up!

[gillybeanz]

I consider myself a semi retired sahm
two are grown up, one of them left home completely and our last dependant is a boarder, aged 12.
I have always been a sahm so about 25 years now.

I used to do most things except DIY, cars, garden, and the traditional male type of job. Not that we believe in men/women work, it just worked that way for us.

Now I do some of both and dh does too. He always did what he could when the dc were little, but most of it falls to the one at home anyway, as they can't do a fair share if they aren't there.

As he gained more time our roles became more shared and he took more from me. I think once kids were at school we were pretty equal, especially as it got to secondary age.

[Lighthouseturquoise]

I think housework is monotonous and some women end up resentful if they're doing it all, but if they're at home it's the contribution.

If you're going to be at home long term oils you look into volunteering or doing a course?

As although the person at home should do the most housework, I always wonder if it's a bit unhealthy when a man can't even work the washing machine or get his own mother a birthday card.

[NickyEds]

Just ask him op! If he's perfectly happy then you're worrying about nothing. It sounds like your time is well spent resting until you've fully recovered.

I'm a SAHM with a 2.9 year old and a 15 month old and I do all of the housework- all washing, drying, sorting and ironing clothes, bathroom and kitchen cleaning etc, changing beds, dusting, hoovering, meal planning, shopping, cooking, washing up, finances and genearl planning. It pisses me right off.

[FuckThatToOneSide]

I don't see how going to gym classes is any better than watching tv - obviously I mean that purely from a workload perspective. I think of exercise as definite 'me time' not work and feel myself very lucky if I get the time to do some in the middle of the day. I don't think a dad hanging out with the kids at weekends count as down time for him any more than taking a toddler to playgroup and having a coffee there counts as down time for a sahm.

[Lighthouseturquoise]

Also though I don't think you should compare yourself to others.

Better off speaking to your dh about whether he's happy, whether you're happy and more importantly appreciate each other.

[Serafina3]

Fair enough Flap - if that's what you do to relax, then do it!
My DH couldn't care less if I decided to get the cleaner in everyday (he does like me to cook for him though). It's more that me being here means that he can focus on work and never have to factor in kids being sick, school holidays and all the random stuff. I'm sure your DH feels the same.

[Lighthouseturquoise]

Every family is different.

Personally I think you should do a bit more, but you have been ill. I've been ill too so I understand.

It sounds like you all have a nice relaxing life. It doesn't sound like your husband is breaking his back.

As you are at home ad your dc are at school maybe you could try to get motivated to get the house clean ready for the weekend. Maybe you should offer your dh a drink to show you appreciate him.

I'm at home atm but with a toddler and one at school.

Dh brings me a drink in bed and sometimes empties the dishwasher then I get the kids ready, breakfast etc, do the school run.

I make beds, Hoover, clean the bathroom, tidy up, so the washing, then I cook the dinner, sometimes dh clears up but i think I do it properly! Dh usually puts the toddler to bed while I do reading and homework with the other one. Dh doesn't get in until 6 but if he's early he'll often play outside with the dc.

Dh does the cooking at weekends and about once a month he will hoover and mop floors. He does washing at weekends.

[FlapsTie]

I see my tv watching as the same as doing a class or going to the gym. It's a hobby (my only hobby really, sad sack that I am). I don't do anything else that would count as 'me time' (bleurgh).

[redskytonight]

OP also has teens - they should be doing more than ineffectual washing up!

[Serafina3]

I'm not sure it's helpful for you to compare yourself to your SIL OP, as everyone's circumstances are so different and hopefully everyone finds their own balance.
I've been a SAHM for 14 years to 4 DC and the youngest has been in school a few years now. DH runs his own company, works long hours and travels a fair bit too. Life has definitely become s lot easier since all DC are at school, but I don't ever watch TV in the day.
I get up 5.30 (with the cats!) and to have a coffee and get myself ready. I wake up 2 DC at 6.15, give them breakfast and get them out of the house with all the right kit /stuff etc for 7am. I take DH coffee in bed while he watches Bloomberg etc. Then I get other 2 DC up and ready for 8 and drive them 15 mins to their prep school. DH has usually showered and left by 7.45, unless he has a flight or something that day.
We have a cleaner who comes twice a week for 4 hours at a time. I don't ask her to tidy up after my kids though, so even on days she's coming I tidy up kitchen, bedrooms, etc do she can just get on with the actual cleaning. I do laundry and ironing or change beds etc.
I go swimming or pilates 4 days a week late mornings. Then I may do shopping, drop off stuff at dry cleaners or maybe meets a friend for coffee, but obviously it varies.
I pick up the younger DC and 3.30 and the elder 2 get home about 4.30. I take them to clubs 2 nights a week, supervise all homework, get uniforms and bags ready for the next day and make dinner for everyone. DH can get in any time between 7 and 9, unless he's away. I try and eat with him if he's home before 9. I put the kids to bed but he spends 5 mins with them saying goodnight etc.
At weekends all the laundry is done and the house is tidy. DH does his sports etc and hangs out with he kids. We tend to eat out on weekends though so do make an effort with lunch on Sunday for everyone. We share driving kids to activities or parties as required.
So basically DH does no housework, but where he gets time on the weekends, I get time in the day. Our roles are very split, but I wouldn't say either of us feels we have a worse deal than the other. He takes care of all bills, financial stuff. I appreciate all he does and he appreciates that things are taken care of at home. We've always had a joint account and fortunately money is not an issue. If Ihad gone back to work it would have been a lot more juggling and stress all round and even though I could have earned a good salary it would have been nowhere near the money he makes, so this is what has been most practical and financially viable in our case.

[butterfliesandzebras]

Verbena37 to be honest if she's a millionaire I'd probably advise her to hire a cleaner etc.

I didn't say 'get a job' I said find something meaningful to her (which could be a job, it is to many people).

I just hate this attitude that expecting someone to work and do half the chores and parenting is unreasonable. It's completely normal.

To view it another way OPs husband does half chores, half parenting and has a career. Op does half chores half parenting and ---- fill in the blank with whatever she wants to do with her life.

[MoonStar07]

I'm a SAHM one at school and one young toddler. I do all food shopping banking Birthdays. I tend to clean bathrooms make beds kitchen. I do the food shopping and organise the meals. I do the school run. We share washing clothes and putting them in the dryer. He will occasionally vacuum. He doesn't dust he would happily sit in an untidy room and play on his phone! He does though bathe the kids in the evening. He'll cook once or twice a week (but generally it's me). At weekends he'll mow the lawn. He will often tidy up the dishes after we've eaten but he'll never think to wash down surfaces etc

[NapQueen]

DS has a 2 hour nap and I reward myself with lunch and TV or a nap if I've managed to do a fair crackers at the housework before he goes down. It's a good motivator and means I can really relax guilt free.

Obviously your situation is different and you need to rest after the school run, setting yourself one episode of something is a good timer.

My morning was
Drop dd at Breakfast Club
DS and I have toast
I set up the train track and played with him 10 mins then I did a load of laundry and the dishes
Went and sorted all the clean laundry in our bedroom; ds came in with his playmobil
MNED a bit with a brew
Put all mine and dh's clothes away
Made the beds
Dusted, cleaned the mirrors in the bedroom, run the Vac round.
Back to the trains for more play.
Another load of laundry in
Wiped down kitchen surfaces while I waited for the kettle for another brew

I'm now just clock watching til ds gets tired and then I'll shove corrie on and eat a sandwich and maybe have a snooze.

I'll cook tea tonight so the only chores dh will do is the dishes if he wants (or I'll do them), and he will bathe the kids.

[Verbena37]

butterflies but the OP isn't asking about going to work. For all we know she could be a millionaire.
I don't quite understand MN when people tell SAHMs 'the right thing to do' is get a job/volunteer.

[formerbabe]

I'm a sahm with both my DC at school. I do all household stuff so shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids appointments and household admin. He will occasionally empty and load the dishwasher and clear the kitchen at the weekend after I've cooked.

Whatever works for you, but I'd feel pretty bad expecting my oh to do housework as well as work. I have 6 hours a day while kids are at school to get stuff done. If you are a sahm with a baby or toddler then I think housework should be shared a little more but with all DC at school, it's a different matter.

In my situation, there is not too much stuff to be done at weekends as I try to get stuff done during the week so we can enjoy weekends without too many chores.

[butterfliesandzebras]

Perhaps I should up my game though.

To be entirely honest if you feel you have more free time than your husband now kids are in school (and I realise this might not apply if you are not well), I think the right thing to do is to start looking for work, or do volunteering (especially if you've been out of work for so long you need a stepping stone), or find something meaningful to you to do with your time (retrain, study, start a business).

I don't think having extra time due to children getting older means you should start babying your partner and running round doing everything for them. I've seen far too many women start down this route 'well I'm only doing it now because he's the sole earner..' who end up doing it for the rest of their lives, even when events change like their husband loses his job, or they go back to work, or when they are both retired.

Your husband is a grown man, he doesn't need someone running around doing all his chores. Think about what you want to do with your life.

[Notso]

I'm a SAHM to four children all in school now. The youngest started this September.
I do a lot. Majority of cooking and most of the laundry and cleaning. Older DC 16 and 12 help out, younger DC 5 and 4 put dishes in DW, tidy toys and a bit of polishing.
DH is out the house from 5:30/6:00 in the morning to somewhere between 6-8:30 at night depending on where he is working, he gets home at 5:45 one night a week to take youngest DC to football training until 7:30. He works from 8-1 or 2 pretty much every other Saturday too.
DH empties the dishwasher everyday, makes a brew every morning and puts his dishes in the dishwasher after dinner along with anything left from cooking that needs to go in. If the kids need picking up from anywhere he does it.
If he is around and I ask him to do something he will do it and if I am ill or not here he will step in.

It has taken us a while to reach a happy medium. I was 19 and DH was 21 when we moved in together and two weeks later DC1 was born. He comes from a family where MIL did everything, I come from a family where everyone mucked in. We had a lot of teething problems! I know he appreciates what I do and that he knows his life runs more smoothly because of me.

[FuckThatToOneSide]

Also second ducky on that^^. Tv and chores go hand in hand round here!

[SpotTheDuck]

Well if you do need to rest for a while, that's fair enough - you'd probably be getting more sympathetic responses if you'd said so a bit earlier!!

I think in your shoes though I'd be looking for more productive ways to rest - I'm disabled so often limited in what I can physically do, but if I need to rest I wouldn't watch tv, I'd spend the time lying down but using the iPad to organise our next holiday, or do admin, or find new recipes etc. Is that kind of thing an option? Even if you do online surveys you'd be slowly earning points/cash so would feel like you're contributing something?

[FlapsTie]

Can't afford a cleaner. We did have one but gave her up when I stopped working.

I didn't mean to drip feed, sorry. It's just that I'm so much better than I was I forget that I'm still not 100%.

[Duckyneedsaclean]

Btw my top tip is getting the Netflix app & doing cleaning etc while watching gilmore girls

Most chores can be done one handed, I find.

[FuckThatToOneSide]

That's totally fair enough from your last post OP. The post where you described your typical day did sound a bit like a day of tv and coffee drinking, but seeing as you need to rest on your medication and also manage to clean three bathrooms or similar every day, that definitely puts a different spin on things.