SAHMs, how much does your DH do at home?

[FlapsTie]

Specifically SAHMs of school children.

Both SIL and I are in this position, I have three dc and she has one. Our DHs (brothers) do the same job at the same company so no difference in work load etc.

DH does quite a lot around the house. He probably does almost as much washing as I do, he cooks a couple of times a week, cleans the kitchen, hoovers, tidies, as well as things like the bins and mowing the lawn. He also does all bath and bedtimes.

BIL does literally nothing housework wise, except the occasional heavy job (gutters, cutting down trees etc). He does put his dc to bed. SIL tells me he wouldn't know how to use the washing machine and has never cooked for the family.

She also does all the birthday cards, appointments, shopping, banking etc, whereas we split this stuff.

I've been having a wobble lately that I'm taking the piss out of DH. Should I be doing it all? I think it's relevant that up until a couple of years ago I worked full time, and SIL has always been a SAHM so our roles evolved differently. But should I take over the stuff that DH does now because he is the sole earner?

What's fair and AIBU?

DH has never complained by the way, but then I don't think he would, but I'm worried he's going to end up resentful, especially because he sees his brother every day and they obviously talk about their home lives. Is he getting a raw deal?

[ElspethFlashman]

The coffee thing was only cos I remembered long ago watching a marriage counselling program where cameras were installed for a month so the experts could see where the problem was. In one of them, the experts pointed out that over the course of the month he had made her over 60 cups of tea. She had made him......zero cups of tea. She was mortified.

It just has always stuck in my head. It's one of the reasons I'm forever offering DH tea, cos he makes them for me. Sometimes he says yes, sometimes he says no. But at least I feel fair for offering.

[Tryingtostayyoung]

I think as a pp said it just depends what works for you as a family as long as everyone is happy is doesn't matter what you do compared to what another family does IYSWIM.

I'm a SAHM DD is in nursery 5mornings a week. I do all (or majority) housework, food shopping, washing, cooking, school runs, bed times, bath times, bed making etc. DH works full time in a demanding job, he does all our ironing, on a Thursday clears up from dinner (this is the one night a week that he gets in before 7), handles all the bills (paying them, making any calls if there's problems etc) will take DD to bed maybe one night a week and will do one school run a week if he can swing a slightly late start. If there's any problems round the house/maintainable he will always do it ASAP on the weekend without any grumble. TBH this set up works for us even though I practically do everything, I don't mind it and am happy/grateful that he works as hard as he does so that I can stay at home with DD.

[LetsJunglyJumpToIt]

You're not the OP who taps their cup at their DH to get another cup of coffee are you?

[FlapsTie]

Yes that's me. Although it's more of an in joke with DH and me. And he really doesn't mind. Plus, making my coffee involves pressing one button, it's really not an onerous task.

[ByeByeLilSebastian]

Well you do have a very easy life on the face of it. I would have to do more with my time than watching TV every morning, every day. What do you do when you've watched all of the Gilmore girls episodes?

You could easily make your DHs life a bit easier by doing some of the weekend chores during the week. Working full time is tiring.

[FuckThatToOneSide]

Agree with rivertam re bedtime - my DH loves doing it, as it's his only time with DC during the week.

Is the reason you don't cook or eat sometimes related to your health problems op?

Not wanting to belittle you, but the typical day you described sounds a bit like a day off to me really. I have one day a week like this and don't really enjoy it as I find it a little boring. I also know that having this day every week is a real luxury. I don't have health problems though so I'm not exactly in the same boat.

[NapQueen]

Realistically OP your laundry basket should always be empty. You have all day, 5 days a week. Really you should be at a point where everyone's clothes from that day can be chucked into the machine and washed; put away the next morning.

[FuckThatToOneSide]

Could you do a clear out some time as well OP? I always find loads of stuff we need to get rid of on my child free days. Makes me feel like I've achieved something.

[LetsJunglyJumpToIt]

I think your DH does a lot. Putting on a load of washing and watching tv isn't doing much. Emptying the dishwasher and sorting washing must take about half hour tops.

[Notonthestairs]

I agree its different strokes for different folks - ask him if he's ok with things how it stands and take it from there.

FWIW my DH will pour cereal in to a bowl for our kids most mornings and sometimes help dress our youngest if i have laid out clothes. He also does Saturday morning swimming ( I get them up and ready and pack swim kit) and Sunday bath and bedtime. Thats it.

Everything else (bills, washing, cooking, cleaning, organising family stuff, garden, we're renovating so organising all that) is for me. He's out from 8.30 til 8.30 but often much later and away for a few days every month. I put the tv on for the news at lunchtime and obviously I do MN occasionally when I should be doing other stuff!

I do try to get the boring jobs done during the week so we can spend time together at the weekends. It does sound like you save up a few jobs for him to do - but I guess if he's not unhappy...

[ParForTheCourses]

I guess it's what works for you though I think it sounds like you have a lot more free time to watch TV all morning. When you were poorly I think that's 100% right but if not now then it seems unfair that you get more downtime. It's surprising because usually the sahp gets shafted, with barely any evening and weekend help from the posts on here.

Tbh I'm not sahp yet but I work shorter hours. Dh and I are 50/50. While he's at work I do housework so usually an extra 2 hours a day I get and then we relax together. At weekends if I work from home he's the one doing the shop and cleaning. When we are both at home wed rather spend time together.

[FlapsTie]

Not making excuses but my medication means I'm tired a lot of the time. Waking to school and back means I can't do a lot until I've rested. Most days I'll get at least one 'big' job done, like cleaning three bathrooms or gutting a bedroom.

It's a big improvement on a few months ago when I didn't even get dressed let alone do housework.

[Duckyneedsaclean]

FlapsTie I'd say I probably do about the same as you.

Been a SAHM since January, then younger ds happened to start nursery 9-3, and I think at first I felt like I was on holiday. Then I got pregnant. Then it turned out to be twins. Anyway, that's probably why I never took over everything. When they're born I expect I'll do even less!

Like you said in comparison to your sil, your roles evolved differently. I imagine eventually you'll take over more, but it doesn't have to be sudden, your new role can take time to form. See what's causing angst & work on that.

[ElspethFlashman]

I think turning the TV on before lunchtime is deadly. It sucks you in and makes you feel annoyed at having to eventually get up and do something.

[ParForTheCourses]

That should have been in your opening post. It's part of being ill, you are still recovering and it does change the situation.

Since you are still under the weather regardless if it's being poorly ,recovery or meds then actually it's a case of you can't do more not wont- you are physically unable atm.

[RiverTam]

Well. That's a whopper of a drip feed, OP!

I remember your tapping the cup thread. Can't remember what I thought at the time but right now I'd be pretty unimpressed!

Can't you get a cleaner?

[Hefezopf]

I am a SAHP when not working from home. I get through as much of the family admin, business, shopping, cleaning, gardening, DIY etc. as possible when the kids are all out of the house - about four hours a day. I see daytime childcare as a job that we have chosen not to outsource, so do regard myself as 'working' when the kids are around in the afternoon. Our youngest dc finishes school between 12 and 1 and the others are home by 1.30 (Germany).

When DH gets home we split everything 50:50. Same at the weekend. It means that both of us get enough time to ourselves. We have no family support so this is a big help.

Families are different though. I know plenty of SAHMs who do literally everything and deeply resent it!

[FuckThatToOneSide]

That's totally fair enough from your last post OP. The post where you described your typical day did sound a bit like a day of tv and coffee drinking, but seeing as you need to rest on your medication and also manage to clean three bathrooms or similar every day, that definitely puts a different spin on things.

[Duckyneedsaclean]

Btw my top tip is getting the Netflix app & doing cleaning etc while watching gilmore girls

Most chores can be done one handed, I find.

[FlapsTie]

Can't afford a cleaner. We did have one but gave her up when I stopped working.

I didn't mean to drip feed, sorry. It's just that I'm so much better than I was I forget that I'm still not 100%.

[SpotTheDuck]

Well if you do need to rest for a while, that's fair enough - you'd probably be getting more sympathetic responses if you'd said so a bit earlier!!

I think in your shoes though I'd be looking for more productive ways to rest - I'm disabled so often limited in what I can physically do, but if I need to rest I wouldn't watch tv, I'd spend the time lying down but using the iPad to organise our next holiday, or do admin, or find new recipes etc. Is that kind of thing an option? Even if you do online surveys you'd be slowly earning points/cash so would feel like you're contributing something?

[FuckThatToOneSide]

Also second ducky on that^^. Tv and chores go hand in hand round here!

[Notso]

I'm a SAHM to four children all in school now. The youngest started this September.
I do a lot. Majority of cooking and most of the laundry and cleaning. Older DC 16 and 12 help out, younger DC 5 and 4 put dishes in DW, tidy toys and a bit of polishing.
DH is out the house from 5:30/6:00 in the morning to somewhere between 6-8:30 at night depending on where he is working, he gets home at 5:45 one night a week to take youngest DC to football training until 7:30. He works from 8-1 or 2 pretty much every other Saturday too.
DH empties the dishwasher everyday, makes a brew every morning and puts his dishes in the dishwasher after dinner along with anything left from cooking that needs to go in. If the kids need picking up from anywhere he does it.
If he is around and I ask him to do something he will do it and if I am ill or not here he will step in.

It has taken us a while to reach a happy medium. I was 19 and DH was 21 when we moved in together and two weeks later DC1 was born. He comes from a family where MIL did everything, I come from a family where everyone mucked in. We had a lot of teething problems! I know he appreciates what I do and that he knows his life runs more smoothly because of me.

[butterfliesandzebras]

Perhaps I should up my game though.

To be entirely honest if you feel you have more free time than your husband now kids are in school (and I realise this might not apply if you are not well), I think the right thing to do is to start looking for work, or do volunteering (especially if you've been out of work for so long you need a stepping stone), or find something meaningful to you to do with your time (retrain, study, start a business).

I don't think having extra time due to children getting older means you should start babying your partner and running round doing everything for them. I've seen far too many women start down this route 'well I'm only doing it now because he's the sole earner..' who end up doing it for the rest of their lives, even when events change like their husband loses his job, or they go back to work, or when they are both retired.

Your husband is a grown man, he doesn't need someone running around doing all his chores. Think about what you want to do with your life.

[formerbabe]

I'm a sahm with both my DC at school. I do all household stuff so shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids appointments and household admin. He will occasionally empty and load the dishwasher and clear the kitchen at the weekend after I've cooked.

Whatever works for you, but I'd feel pretty bad expecting my oh to do housework as well as work. I have 6 hours a day while kids are at school to get stuff done. If you are a sahm with a baby or toddler then I think housework should be shared a little more but with all DC at school, it's a different matter.

In my situation, there is not too much stuff to be done at weekends as I try to get stuff done during the week so we can enjoy weekends without too many chores.