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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think artificially prolonging childhood isn't about the children but the adults

77 replies

onlythedaze · 20/10/2016 06:53

I suppose I am wondering about this as Christmas is once more upon us and parents go to great lengths to convince their preteen children that Father Christmas exists when normally they would naturally be coming to that realisation alone.

AIBU to think parents should let children discover the world themselves and not enforce beliefs?

OP posts:

ErrolTheDragon · 20/10/2016 09:23

But at no point are we trying convince her that santander is real.

very wise, if you've ever had dealings with them, best let her think it's a fictional bank.

BiddyPop · 20/10/2016 09:26

Oh, and while my DPs told me (at the time I was not quite bullied but being mocked and excluded in school so DM thought it was best), I was sworn to secrecy. I am not sure how the others found out.

But I know it is still a rule, to keep DF happy more than anything, that anyone sleeping in DPs house on Christmas Eve still puts out their stocking (it was always a pair of your own socks and still is - no holey ones allowed!!). And Christmas morning, it is still filled with fruit, nice sweets and a book, sometimes something small and fun is added too.

The youngest DB is now early 30s - and last year, there were 4 pairs of socks in the sitting room for DF to potter around filling once the "children" had gone to bed....

It's all part of the magic and fun that each individual family makes it!

MrsJayy · 20/10/2016 09:28

I remember Santa tracker first being a thing was on the dial up dd2 thought it was the best thing ever she sat watching it for hours getting excited now at 18 she still has a sneaky peak on Christmas Eve at Santa tracker

AliceInUnderpants · 20/10/2016 09:32

Mine are 11 and 8 and we still 'do' Santa. They occasionally ask or make little remarks where I know they are having doubts, so I just do the "well, let's not make a list or leave your stocking and see what happens, shall we?" thing, and they backtrack.
11 year old goes to secondary school next summer and I'll be having 'the chat' with her before then, simple ask I'd rather her find out for sure at home, where she can ask questions and be openly upset if that's how she is feeling (she w/could be openly upset at school too, but not sure how well that would go down)

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 20/10/2016 09:36

I thought ds had worked it out for himself about Santa a few years ago but then he and his friends were having a chat about friends at school who had told them Santa wasn't real and decided between themselves they didn't know what they were talking about

He still seems to believe he is in year 4 though time to for me to drop the shocked act if he mentions others have said Santa isn't real

We have always done the mince pies, glass of wine and the reindeer leaving half eaten carrots and probably still will

monkeymamma · 20/10/2016 09:38

My DNeph said to me a few nights ago that 'he realised last year santa isn't real'. (He's just turned 13 so I was surprised it had taken so long!)
I said 'Oh did you? I mean, obviously he IS real, but what made you change your mind?'
He said 'Mum and Stepdad ate the mince pie in front of me and laughed about it' (he has a dsis, aged 3, who I'm guessing the mince pie was for).
I told him that at his age my classmates started asking the teacher about santa and saying 'he's not real is he'. She said 'Santa exists, but in our hearts. Each of us is capable of being Santa if we are kind and giving'. It's really stayed with me (my nephew seemed to buy it, too) as a great explanation and a way of keeping things magical without actually lying to kids/depriving them of facts (which I don't agree with).
I bet teachers spend a lot of time thinking 'bloody hell, talked myself hoarse today and none of the feckers were listening' but you never know what will stick!

ANewStartOverseas · 20/10/2016 09:41

In my experince, children carry on believe in Santa for a very long time here. Much longer than in France where parents woud just tell their dcs from age 7yo if they were still believing (unusual though as most children did know by the time they were 6 ish and starting primary). But of course, they still 'do' Santa etc!

I agree with the OP that here, people seem to want to make those 'childhood beliefs' last as long as possible, and maybe longer than necessary.
And yes, I do think its more about the parents than the dcs.
What has always grated, is the 'Oh no. The teacher has talked about xxx in class now dc will wonder about Santa. But she/he still believes! How dare the teacher do that'. And said child is in Y4 or5.

BakeOffBiscuits · 20/10/2016 09:51

Doin my dds were the same as you.

I was telling them FC wasn't real and they didnt believe me. Dd2 was 11 before she realised he wasn't real. She is 22 now and we've discussed it recently. She says she genuinely thought I was joking and fully believed in FC.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/10/2016 09:53

I'm so relieved to read so many totally normal responses here .

My DCs are 19, 15 & 5. The 5 year old still believes (as far as I know!). Of course neither of the older boys does, but both still enjoy the magic of Christmas just the same. I still tell all three of them that they'll "have to wait and see what Santa brings" or "behave yourself or Santa might not bring you what you asked for."

They go along with it. The eldest may eye-roll a little, but he's never actually said "shut up about Santa, he's not real" or words to that effect.

One of the saddest threads I've read on MN was somebody explaining how they had gone in to detail with their very young child (about 3 or 4 if I remember correctly) about how Father Christmas was just a story and that mummy & daddy used their money to buy, wrap & put presents under the tree. Reason being, the poster couldn't entertain the thought of "lying" to her DCs and also held the view that all ages of children should appreciate that gifts cost money and money has to be earned.

NinjaLeprechaun · 20/10/2016 09:53

"I know Santa isn't real you know but I don't think Daddy does so we'd better carry on pretending so as not to upset him"
My daughter had the same conversation (in reverse) with her dad: "Don't tell Mommy," she warned him very seriously, "I don't think she knows."
Actually, I still don't think she's ever come right out and said to me that she doesn't believe - she's 20.

One year my lovely mother-in-law told daughter that, not only was Santa not real, but she (!) was the one who bought the presents.
I sidestepped that one by telling the absolute truth - No she doesn't buy your presents, and I think that was a really mean thing to say.

Speaking of buying - we went with the theory that parents send Santa the money to buy the presents at Toys R Us and that's why some kids get more than others.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/10/2016 09:55

Disclaimer: When I say "saddest" I mean saddest in a slightly trivial way. I am not claiming that this compares to some of the genuinely heartbreaking things some MNers have posted about.

butterfliesandzebras · 20/10/2016 09:57

I don't know any children who honest-to-goodness believed he was literally real.

I had the same experience growing up and I went to a monocultural c of e primary school in the south east, so I don't think multiculturalism is the difference.

WhoremoaneeGrainger · 20/10/2016 09:58

I know that my DD knows but she still "believes". She is an only and loves the run up and excitement of the season. We always buy a couple of things together to go into the local charity box for children who would otherwise get nothing. We are not well off by any means, but its something we have always done and she loves picking something for a boy and a girl her age. us up about it.

She has a little stocking she puts out in her room and FC fills it with bath stuff, and a new toothbrush, hairbrush, cotton wool pads, xmas pants and socks etc.

She was most disappointed that last year for the first time we had paid for the gift wrapping service they offer at the North Pole, and that that meant pressies were left downstairs and not in her room.

She is 15 in three weeks.

BiddyPop · 20/10/2016 10:14

Insanity I think your DH and my DF would enjoy a quiet "coze" together!!

Memoires · 20/10/2016 10:16

Forget the kids, I still enjoy believing in Father Christmas (Santa is a doppelganger and not real). DD is 17 and has been sighing patiently at me for years about it!

HalfShellHero · 20/10/2016 10:23

My DS is 7 and I'm wondering if this year will be the year he thinks 'oh Santa's not real' I feel a bit sad about it really...

drspouse · 20/10/2016 10:54

What has always grated, is the 'Oh no. The teacher has talked about xxx in class now dc will wonder about Santa. But she/he still believes! How dare the teacher do that'. And said child is in Y4 or5.

This. I have heard this many times. And things like Brownie leaders worrying about having Santa at a meeting because will the girls get confused with the Santa that comes to school, or recognise the caretaker.

I solve that part of it by not really bothering with that side of Christmas in Brownie meetings (we'd be more likely to celebrate another winter festival or bake some biscuits for Christmas from another country)

But we do things like talk about beliefs (part of our Promise to develop MY beliefs), one 9 year old says they believe in FC in all seriousness, another one says that's babyish/not true, the first one asks me and the first one's mum is up in arms if I say anything which indicates that different people have different beliefs or that Brownie 2 has made up their own mind... which is kind of the point of Guiding.

RobinBanksLetsbyAvenue · 20/10/2016 11:01

Santas One of the saddest threads I've read on MN was somebody explaining how they had gone in to detail with their very young child (about 3 or 4 if I remember correctly) about how Father Christmas was just a story...

I remember telling my much younger DB all about Father Christmas. He looked at me very seriously and said "Yes, but Mummy said he's not real, it's just a fun story". I think he thought I didn't know!

I think my parents must have learnt their lesson after I begged for an out of stock Christams present and insisted Father Christmas would be able to get it because he was magic!

Magic of Christmas still there, and "Santa" visits anyone in my parent's house over Christmas...

Elf on a shelf makes me irrationally angry though. It's not "a bit of fun", it's buying into a fake tradition, a marketing ploy, and collectively creating a costly and involved obligation for generations of stressed out parents to come.

You have been warned.

puzzledbyadream · 20/10/2016 11:22

I think I believed pretty much until I was 11, I took my mum's quest to protect my innocence a bit too seriously I think.

My mum told us she and dad were sent a catalogue by Father Christmas and they had to choose presents and then send him the money, which was to explain why we got fewer presents from other children.

We also had the Birthday Fairies. It took me until I was literally about 14 to realise nobody else had the Birthday Fairies. Along with the Easter Bunny all three organisations watched us at various times of the year and my dad had all their numbers in his phone and would phone them any time we were naughty. To my knowledge he still has the numbers in there, we are 25, 22 and 18...

NameChanger22 · 20/10/2016 11:26

DD began to realise that it wasn't quite true at age 8. It was actually the Easter bunny she was finding unbelievable, but then she knew that meant that Father Christmas and the tooth fairy weren't true either.

When she quizzed me I told her the truth because it felt wrong to keep on lying. Unfortunately it really upset her and I wish I'd dropped a few more hints about it not being true beforehand and it had been less of a shock.

sirfredfredgeorge · 20/10/2016 11:54

What surprises me, is when the same people who assert their child believes in santa at X, also asserts that their child is a genious, when you've have to be a complete and utter gullible fool to believe it beyond any critical thought.

DD told me she was sure he didn't exist, but wondered who did the actual presents as it was surely too much effort for me. I wasn't sad about the lack of santa, but it did make me reconsider just how lazy I must be...

DoinItFine · 20/10/2016 12:03

you've have to be a complete and utter gullible fool to believe it beyond any critical thought.

LOL

Charming to call children fools.

Not all children can be geniouses (sic).

sirfredfredgeorge · 20/10/2016 14:25

DoinItFine I don't think children are fools, I just think their parents are wrong when they think they believe, the children who believe beyond the age of 5 are very, very few.

Vanillaradio · 20/10/2016 14:38

Puzzled we had birthday fairies too. I still have the shoe one dropped!!!!
Yeah I believed up to 11 and pretended for a couple of years after that! Ds is nearly 3 so we will see how long he believes....

limeandsoda93 · 20/10/2016 14:47

Me and dp still talk about santa bringing presents and up until July it was just us ... I haven't come across anyone trying to actively convince their kids that he's real.

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