Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be uncomfortable and mention this to teacher?

77 replies

Mumofaboy123 · 19/10/2016 19:18

I have a child in reception and one of the other children seems to have taken a liking to her which was fine although could be a little over bearing and gave her lots of hugs and kisses which she sometimes didn't like but nothing major.
He now has gravitated towards me, crying if I don't give him a hug or let him kiss me on the cheek when I drop her into class ( we are still taking them into the class to hang coat etc )
The mother is not similar to me at all and makes it quite clear she disagrees with my parenting;
From carrying her school bag for her and bringing her a snack after school to saying she is spoilt for having a bike and a scooter.
My daughter is now visibly scared of her and hides behind me when she appears, the mum has noticed and said she is rude and told her she will have the birthday present she bought her back if she's going to be so rude to her 😢
It's incredibly uncomfortable and I don't know how to handle it.
Half of me thinks the teacher can't help with it so there is not much point but on the other hand she cried coming out of school today as she saw her in the line and the teacher look confused to why she would cry leaving school but I couldn't discuss it as the other mum was behind me.
What would you all do?
I honestly don't feel in a position to address it with her as worry she would be aggressive as she's very confrontational in her general manner.

OP posts:
Sprinklestar · 20/10/2016 02:17

Another one here saying that the hugging and so on is not appropriate. Definitely make sure the teacher is aware. Children of this age are generally wary of strangers and certainly don't hug them out of the blue. Someone they know, sure, but being affectionate towards any adult like this is very odd.

user1476140278 · 20/10/2016 03:17

Stop hugging him at once. It's not appropriate no matter how he asks. Brush him off with "Not now..off you go"

If that woman addresses you OR your daughter, turn your back to her and walk away. Don't engage at all. If she stands near you, walk away...if you see her approaching, walk away.

And speak to the teacher ASAP

PenelopeFlintstone · 20/10/2016 04:01

Perhaps you could give the little boy an affectionate rub on the head and a nice smile and hello. I couldn't knock a little one back completely, but wouldn't want to be hugging and kissing either.
As for the mother, if she told me I was spoiling my daughter I'd probably want to tell her that she should try doing the same, but maybe something less pointed like, "Oh, well, they're not little for long," might be safer if she's a bit aggro.

Atenco · 20/10/2016 04:15

Am I missing something, why should the OP not give this wee lad a hug?

PenelopeFlintstone · 20/10/2016 05:02

I was thinking she didn't want to, but now I've reread it that might not be right. I'm not against it if the OP wants to Smile

elfies · 20/10/2016 05:42

I'd be frightened for the bairn asking total strangers for cuddles ,and wary for any parents who do so in case nutty mum accuses them of anything

Billben · 20/10/2016 06:31

I bet the teacher has started to notice something already with the poor child and maybe even the mother. Please do go and talk to her.

Original poster
Mumofaboy123 · 20/10/2016 07:13

I am going to ask her for a chat when she has time.
This woman is very loud and will tell anyone who listens her whole life story; it isn't me asking questions or anything - she just volunteers it all.
The hugs didn't make me use uncomfortable as all the kisses all over my face does.
Number 1, it's upsetting my daughter as she doesn't understand why his mum is standing there oblivious and number 2, as another poster said it worries me someone may think it's strange on my part.
She does nothing when it's happening but then if I manage to leave very quickly she will say I upset him by not giving him a hug or kiss goodbye.
With regards to her directly telling of my daughter and making comments, if it was anywhere else I would happily tell her to do one but im well aware I'm stuck with her for the next 7 years so didn't really want that bad feeling in the playground for so long

OP posts:
user1476140278 · 20/10/2016 07:30

Atenco sadly to protect herself.

This child seems to be from a dysfunctional family. If something were said...something accusatory by his Mother...and she seems like she's unhinged...well.

Best to avoid.

user1476140278 · 20/10/2016 07:32

You've been allowing "kisses all over your face" Confused Shock What the fuck OP!?

You need to learn about barriers and self confidence PRONTO! This is getting odd...the more you talk about it.

PenelopeFlintstone · 20/10/2016 07:36

She's just been being nice. He's a little boy.

Original poster
Mumofaboy123 · 20/10/2016 07:42

It is odd hence why I've posted on here and will speak to the teacher
The kisses on my face happen if he sees me bending down to give my daughter a hug or a kiss he will run over and do that
Aside from standing up and distracting him with something in the classroom there's little else I could have done once it's happened and the mum is standing looking on paying no interest whatsoever
I'm well aware of boundaries hence me knowing there are clearly issues going on with this little boy for him to behave like this

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 20/10/2016 09:36

I wouldn't ignore him or any child that's just awful. But you can gently tell him that you don't feel like hugging right now and if he tries kisses just gently hold him away.

Ob there something it could be sinister it could be he has sen issues.

Have a chat with teacher in regard to his behaviour towards your daughter. I wouldn't mentioned mums behaviour. Your going to have to deal with that yourself in the playground

Billben · 20/10/2016 10:37

"She's just been being nice. He's a little boy."

Have you even read the whole thread? Or are you the woman OP is talking about?
She is not being nice at all and the little boy obviously has some issues that need addressing pronto

Lovewineandchocs · 20/10/2016 10:49

I think Penelope meant that the OP is just being nice Smile

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 20/10/2016 11:58

Speak to the teacher asap. This situation is odd and intimidating. Do it.

justilou · 20/10/2016 12:33

The mum obviously has issues and you need to protect your kid.
The boy may very well be deprived of affection, but if clear boundaries are not taught now then he'a going to be an adult with no u Der standing of consent.
Talk to the teacher - explain why your daughter was frightened and she might have a better insight into class dynamics.

justilou · 20/10/2016 12:35

*understanding

Branleuse · 20/10/2016 12:51

I dont know the solution to your problem, but just wanted to add that one of my boys is very affectionate and loves hugging people. Usually just family friends, friends parents and teachers, but hes been known to hug aquaintances and even strangers that ive had to stop and talk to for whatever reason. He has autism, although lots of people are surprised to hear this.
Hes not neglected or had any caregiver walk out of his life. Hes well loved and cared for, always has been. He just doesnt always know who it is or isnt appropriate to be affectionate too. We are working on it. Thankfully noones been weird about it so far or told him off for it.

Branleuse · 20/10/2016 12:55

Im actually a bit shocked that people automatically would assume he is neglected or that he will grow up not understanding consent. Theyre just small children and its just a hug. The child in the OP is reception. Whats that 4 years old?? If a small child came to hug me, id be fine with it.

His mother making weird comments is a completely separate issue

user1476140278 · 20/10/2016 13:06

Branleuse it's not "just a hug" OP has explained that he "kisses her all over her face" and that he gets very upset and insistent if she refuses.

His Mother also complains if OP refuses and THAT alone is enough to say "Red Flag"

She has no idea of appropriate lines here...so he doesn't either.

9oclockinthemorning · 20/10/2016 13:07

My 5 yo son is very affectionate and has been since he was a baby. No attachment disorder and he is NT.

I have, however started to teach him to respect that people do not always want to hug or kiss back, and that's ok, we have to respect others feelings and decisions.

I would talk to your daughter about choices around her body, and that she doesn't have to hug him if she doesn't want to. Help her learn how to set boundaries and how to say no. It's never too early to start to teach our children about consent.

If you don't feel confident enough to challenge the mother about her inappropriate comments I'd distance yourself as much as possible.

Mention your concerns to the teacher, especially around your child being frightened of this lady, they may be able to help.

Branleuse · 20/10/2016 13:43

OK so it may be kisses too, but im just saying that its not necessarily a sign of any kind of neglect or abuse, and its not a "red flag" when the perpetrator is four years old.

The mother sounds weird, but thats beside the point. Im not saying just let the kid do it. If it makes you uncomfortable then thats up to you. Im purely saying that its not necessarily anything sinister or neglectful gone on. He may have some degree of SEN that would be unlikely to have been diagnosed by reception age even in progressive areas.
Im not even sure what the school would be able to do about it

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 20/10/2016 14:08

I agree with branleuse that the mother's weird issues and the child's challenging demands for physical affection are two separate issues. They may be related, they may not.

OP, her child, and this boy, could all use this as a chance to practise maintaining good boundaries. For both children, this is exactly the sort of incident which ought to help them learn that hugs and kisses can be nice but that both parties have to welcome them. Massive life lesson. Worth addressing in its own right, quite separately of the mother's problematic behaviour.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 20/10/2016 14:13

Oh - I also wanted to add though that I'm concerned about "my child doesn't like it" as a reason not to hug the other child. Some of (4yo) DS' friends want to hug me on occasion. I'm fine with it. He sometimes gets a bit put out by it (understandable - it's usually just him and me so he's really not used to sharing my affection) but that's not a good reason not to IMO - I acknowledge his feelings and sympathise, but I wouldn't refuse to hug or accept kisses from a child on that basis.
OTOH, I probably wouldn't want to be hugged or kissed by a child I barely knew.