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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be uncomfortable and mention this to teacher?

77 replies

Mumofaboy123 · 19/10/2016 19:18

I have a child in reception and one of the other children seems to have taken a liking to her which was fine although could be a little over bearing and gave her lots of hugs and kisses which she sometimes didn't like but nothing major.
He now has gravitated towards me, crying if I don't give him a hug or let him kiss me on the cheek when I drop her into class ( we are still taking them into the class to hang coat etc )
The mother is not similar to me at all and makes it quite clear she disagrees with my parenting;
From carrying her school bag for her and bringing her a snack after school to saying she is spoilt for having a bike and a scooter.
My daughter is now visibly scared of her and hides behind me when she appears, the mum has noticed and said she is rude and told her she will have the birthday present she bought her back if she's going to be so rude to her 😢
It's incredibly uncomfortable and I don't know how to handle it.
Half of me thinks the teacher can't help with it so there is not much point but on the other hand she cried coming out of school today as she saw her in the line and the teacher look confused to why she would cry leaving school but I couldn't discuss it as the other mum was behind me.
What would you all do?
I honestly don't feel in a position to address it with her as worry she would be aggressive as she's very confrontational in her general manner.

OP posts:

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/10/2016 20:54

That mum sounds terrifying! Poor little boy is obvs desperate for affection but hope he leaves your DD alone and yes I'd speak to the teacher and blank the mother

Original poster

Mumofaboy123 · 19/10/2016 20:55

Thankyou for your replies
I won't return the present, I think it would really antagonise her and I don't think she meant she actually wanted it, as another poster said she was saying it to emotionally blackmail my daughter into talking to her.
I had a chat with my little girl tonight explaining I'm going to speak to the teacher as she got upset before going to bed asking why I let the little boy hug and kiss me as I'm her mummy not his and I didn't know quite how to respond, it worries me why he behaves like it but from what I've seen I can see why, she's very hard on him and treats him more like a 15 year old than a 5 year old.
What's worried me too is that my daughter said she is scared as heard her tell him she was going to smack him and she's been worried about that she said - this did happen a few weeks ago after school as he climbed on a wall / copying my daughter and she said " if you copy you are going to get a snack " she then went on about how disappointed she was in him for making a bad choice and that she expected more of him.
It made me very uncomfortable but I am aware smacking is legal even though we have never done it so assumed my daughter was shocked by her saying that but didn't realise it was worrying her.
The words that accompanied it actually were what made me feel slightly sick and she guilts him into behaving in the way she wants.
Surely the school will have noticed this as we had home visits prior to starting school and they visited pre school settings and so on too 😢

OP posts:

SemiNormal · 19/10/2016 20:57

I think you should at least make the teacher aware of the situation to be honest. She will likely keep an eye out for anything and could be a witness to conversations etc if she keeps an ear out.

That actually sounds very odd, that this boy is asking for so much affection. - My little boy was the same at that age. I was really affectionate with him but his dad walked out of his life without a backward glance and I think it's that which caused my son to always want affection, it was so sad because I think he just wanted to know he was lovable to someone other than me. He used to say 'I was a good boy to daddy wasn't I?'. Absolutely heartbreaking and there are obviously still some ongoing emotional things going on with him but he's kind of outgrown the craving affection stage, I'm hoping that over time he's grown more secure. Sorry for waffling, but yes, it can seem odd and I guess it is (idk) but it's possible this child is in the same situation my son was and expressing himself in the same way.

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown · 19/10/2016 21:02

My heart just breaks to hear about that wee boy, desperately craving affection. Worth a word to the teacher. Poor wee soul.

FasterThanASnakeAndAMongoose · 19/10/2016 21:03

I agree with pps. I'd be so tempted to give the present back but it would just antagonise her - sadly you have 7 years of seeing her!

Ignore, ignore, ignore, and widen your circle of friends (allies).

Definitely speak to the teacher too. I'm a teacher and would want to know about this.

Good luck!

Original poster

Mumofaboy123 · 19/10/2016 21:05

From what I gather the father hasn't been in his life at all so I'm not sure if that's what's causing it or more that especially now he's at school he's noticed other parents behaving differently towards their children.
He has asked me why I hold her hand and if I love her a lot and so on so I think it's more he's noticed a difference and wants a part of it.
I will speak to the teacher.
I feel very judgmental doing so but I don't think I have a choice

OP posts:

SemiNormal · 19/10/2016 21:09

I feel very judgmental doing so but I don't think I have a choice - don't feel judgmental about it, you're doing the right thing and chances are teacher has noticed something herself and you mentioning it might be the nudge she needs to investigate the situation further. When it comes to children it's always worth voicing any concerns.

CoolCarrie · 19/10/2016 21:19

Poor wee lad, please speak to the teacher, she must be made aware of this situation. Too many dc have been harmed in various ways by the very people who are meant to care for them, don't let this wee soul be one of them. Maybe the mother is having a hard time, but the child seems to craving love and affection from anyone, which is not good.

gillybeanz · 19/10/2016 21:21

I'd tell her to sort her own parenting out, smugly telling her it's not normal to encourage her son to ask from cuddles from strangers.
Then tell her to shove her present up her ass, and not to speak to you or your dd again.

Peach9876 · 19/10/2016 21:38

Speak the the teacher first.
It would be good for the teacher to see how the boy is asking others for cuddles and kisses in the cloak room (if she/he doesn't already know) and a member of staff (authority) can be there if this wacka-doo mum starts saying anything.
Also be good for the teacher to know why DD is upset and keep an eye on her and this poor boy to make sure he's not forcing affection on her or others.

But chances are the staff are already aware of this (unless it's all gone totally unnoticed and they are new to the school) and may even know (and be able to warn) if mum is actually violent and how best to proceed. They obviously can't say 'yeah little Timmy is already being monitored by the social, and his mam is a right thug. Watch out for her left hook' but might feel able to say something... Good luck

Also if it continues or you aren't happy, have a word with the head teacher. Most at small primary schools are very with it about individual children and families.

FlipFlop78 · 19/10/2016 21:51

I would definitely express your concerns to the teacher. I'd be surprised if they weren't aware already, as this little boy's behaviour screams attachment disorder to me. Craving affection and attention from strangers can be a result of serious neglect from his mother. The way you've described her, I would put money on it that this is the case.

She should have social services assessing her. It sounds like she has no idea how to parent this poor child. How dare she criticise you! Of course, she may be struggling as a single parent, in which case the support from S.S could help them.

Original poster

Mumofaboy123 · 19/10/2016 22:02

Completely agree with last poster

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2016 22:04

I would mention your concerns to the teacher, it sounds like that poor boy is not getting affection at home, and seeking it elsewhere . I cou,d not shut a little boy down, say hello, be polite, but that's it. I could not ignore a 4 year old boy 😢

SemiNormal · 19/10/2016 22:05

Craving affection and attention from strangers can be a result of serious neglect from his mother. - OR it can be from an abrupt separation from a caregiver between the ages of 6months to 3 years, ie a father, but let's just assume mum is to blame, you know - the parent who stuck around.

Craving affection and attention from strangers can be a result of serious neglect from his mother. The way you've described her, I would put money on it that this is the case. - Really? from one post on the internet you've diagnosed him as having an attachment disorder and would be willing to bet money on the fact he is seriously neglecting by his mother!

She should have social services assessing her. It sounds like she has no idea how to parent this poor child. - Should she have SS assessing her? on what basis? She may not be ideal but no idea how to parent? seriously!?

Sassypants82 · 19/10/2016 22:08

Oh the poor little guy. Would it be so difficult to continue to give him some affection?? This is heartbreaking

Original poster

Mumofaboy123 · 19/10/2016 22:08

I do understand parents all parent differently but i do think this isn't normal behaviour

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2016 22:10

That's why you have to mention your concerns to the teacher.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2016 22:13

semi ok, but again, you cannot say that she is not neglecting him, you cannot say what the home situation is for definite. That is why op has to voice her concern to the teacher. It may be part of a wider picture comprising of other concerns they may have of this family.

ColdTeaAgain · 19/10/2016 22:17

It's not being judgemental, it's caring about a child who might need help.

I agree with other posters who have said to stop engaging with the child. I know it's hard to ignore if you feel sorry for them but if it turns out this child does need checking up on then I'd be worried the mum might claim you were encouraging it the hugs etc.

SemiNormal · 19/10/2016 22:17

Aeroflotgirl - I agree. That's what I said in a comment previous to my last one. Flag it up sure, as I said any concern regarding a child is worth voicing!

Allthewaves · 19/10/2016 22:21

There could be many reasons why wee boy is asking for hugs - what does his mum do while he's doing this?

why I let the little boy hug and kiss me as I'm her mummy not his and I didn't know quite how to respond
Easy, you tell her you like all children and everyone needs a hug now and then

Allthewaves · 19/10/2016 22:27

Some people smack - fact of life right or wrong. Just explain to her some patents smack bums as a consequence of bad behaviour but we use kind hands ect

You need to stand up for yourself and perhaps build up your daughters self confidence to make her a little more resilient. Teach her how to say no if little boy hugs and kisses her when she doesn't want it

Kr1stina · 19/10/2016 22:36

I'm amazed that you know so much about this woman, her family circumstances and her parenting just from a few conversations at the school gate.

Clandestino · 19/10/2016 22:58

TBH, I'd be talking to the teacher immediately and probably report her to Social Services.
These are such massive red flags it looks like Moscow on the 1st of May.
It's not normal that the boy is craving attention and affection from strangers. He must be literally starving for it, behaving like this. My daughter can be very huggy and kissy but only with the family - and she gets plenty of affection back so she doesn't run to strangers.
No matter what issues this mother is having, it could be mental health problems, addiction, fatigue or simply her nature but the most important person in this matter is her son who clearly doesn't get the love and affection every child needs.
Please, report her. You aren't doing anything cruel by doing it, you are helping a little boy who only wants someone to hug him and kiss him.

Kr1stina · 19/10/2016 23:09

Some children with LD are indiscriminately affectionate. You don't know enough about the family situation to report her to SS, that's a complete over reaction.

It's wise to speak to the teacher about the child hugging yours in class. But that's all.

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