AIBU and lazy or is dh?

[SecretAriel]

Sorry for length but I don't want to drip feed. Background I work 25 hours a week over 3 days, dh works 40 hours on shift basis but mainly nights. Dh usually gets jome from night shift at 4.30 or 5am and goes straight to bed). We have 2 dc boy of 6 and girl of 2. Details here might out me but I don't care!!! I do all cooking and vast majority of housework and cleaning. He will help out occasionally around the house (clear away plates at dinner empty dishwasher etc). I do most of childcare but he is quite hands on and helps at bedtime, does school run at hometime most days. On the days I work childcare for our 2 dc is shared between my dm and 2 dsil ( his 2 dsis). I start work at 8am and work 10 min drive away and on days where my mum or dsil1 have dcs i drop them off and they do morning school run. On days dsil2 has them dh drops me at work ( gets up after couple hours sleep) takes dd to dsil house and sits with a cuppa until school time when he drops son off and goes back to bed. When he gets up anytime between 1pm and 2.45pm he does not go to pick up dd from whoever has her but will as previously said go and pick up ds from school. If we are both in the house it is generally me who minds children makes sure safe unless i specifically say to him to keep an eye on dc so i can do something. Today is first day dsil2 has had dc since returing from holiday and since ds went back after half term so dh had had about 2 weeks of uninterrupted sleep in morning. Ds only returned to school yesterday so is more tired than usual.
Now the aibu bit ( sorry again for long post) as ds tired I let him sleep longer than usual and woke him in time to get him washed dressed for school but not fed. I assumed dsil2 would be able to feed him (she usually makes toast for both dc anyway but ds normally fed before he goes) and had sent a text to her to say could she feed him. Dh woke up as i was getting ds up at 7.30 and started a rant asking wtf had i been doing all morning (i got up at 6.15 showered dried hair got make up on got my bag ready for work got dc clothes bags shoes etc ready did not even have time for breakfast). He kept on ranting in background while i got dc ready and jackets on etc and whilst he was making himself a smoothie. I tend to let him go on as he does not run out of steam but builds himself up into a tizzy and I would be put of his way soon. He said i was selfish and lazy for not feeding ds and that now he would have to stay at dsil2 house til son fed before going on school run. I thought he does this anyway. He says he doesn't want that anymore and I only care for myself and am a bad mum for not making sure dc fed before leaving house. He says he is fed up interrupting his sleep to get me to work and I have no idea what it is like. Fwiw i get up most nights with dd. AIBU and lazy? I was on mumsnet whilst drying my hair so maybe took longer than I should have. He said he thought we were ok then i have to go and do this to him. Please show me his side of story as i really feel i was not BU. If i was i can apologise and change my routine and we can move on. If he is then he will never admit and will still believe that I am a lazy selish cow. Sorry

Seems really petty when I read it back

Whaaaat? Show you his side of the story? OK - his side of the story is that he's selfish and lazy.

I hope he has a good side because from what you've written he sounds horrible. Poor you

Are these outbursts by your DH normal or was it out of character?

It's not petty at all. He's been absolutely appalling to you this morning. I hope he apologises later.

He shouldn't speak to you like that.

However I work nights and it would kill me to get up and do stuff during my sleep, and I would be very grumpy.

He said he thought we were ok then i have to go and do this to him.

Do what to him. Make him wait ten mins at his sister's as a one-off while his son eats a piece of toast?

Does your 'D'H see these children as his at all?

I agree with the first 2 posters but I will say when I work nights I feel totally shit and would hate to have sleep interupted. I can sleep 6 hours after a night shift and still feel absolutely awful, it wrecks your body! I'm always grumpy after a night shift too.

It sounds like DH is seriously sleep deprived. When you get to that state, you become totally obsessed about when you can next go to bed and even losing 10 minutes sleep feels like a huge deal. And what he said to you sounds like an exhausted rant.

I agree with him, that his sleep pattern on the days when the DC are cared for by DSIL2 is awful and he shouldn't have to be getting up to take you to work. Apart from anything else, I would worry about him not being safe to drive. I think you need to find another solution for those days.

In terms of not feeding your child, again I agree with him, you need to be getting your DC up early enough to get through the morning routine. Plus it would take 2 minutes to make some toast that DS could eat in the car, rather than inconveniencing other people.

But mainly you need DH to get more sleep!

I do actually agree that, what, ten extra mins of sleep probably wasn't all that needed by your DS if eating breakfast before leaving was the alternative.

But this is not some kind of mistake on your part or stupid - just wishful thinking as to how beneficial the extra sleep would have been. And it certainly bloody isn't some terrible wrong you've done your husband.

Yes he shouldn't have spoken to you badly, but he is working twice the hours you are, and nights to boot so I think you need to cut him some slack here - night shifts are incredibly hard and he normally gets up after just a few hours to do take you to work and do the school run - even if he's getting back to sleep afterwards that's still a very broken 'night's' sleep!

Not that your DH's behaviour is excusable AT ALL but there is no way I could have got up a few hours into a sleep after night duty, But my night duty finishes at 730 am after 10 hours so might be different than going to sleep at 4.30 am

Why does he need to drive on the days when DSIL has them? Is she not able/willing to do school run? Surely if that's the case it would be better to drop DD at breakfast club and DS at SIL's on your way to work. He was a grumpy arse but so would I be after only a couple of hours sleep. You need to find a solution that lets him get 7-8 hours, as unbroken as possible.

And I don't understand how 10 mins sleep is more beneficial than breakfast, but HWBU to rant about it.

He's wrong for speaking to you like that but I do see his point.
My DP works nights too and I totally ignore him from when I get up and get the kids to school until he calls me when he wakes up. He has been working all night and as far as I'm concerned my morning is night time for him.
Imagine if you had to get up at say, 1 in the morning to drive him somewhere then go back to bed for the night. It's the same situation for him when he's on nights.
Why does he drive you to work? Can't you drop DS of at DSiL's?

Thanks for the replies. To clarify i take both dc to other babysitters other days but his dsis2 doesn't drive so the 1 day a week she has them dh gets up to take me to work so he has car to drop youngest off and then do school run. I could drop dd off to dsil but he would still need to get up when I leave to watch ds and do school run. He normally has a minimum 7 hours unbroken sleep more than I get and I generally clear out of house when he is sleeping to ensure it is peaceful. Breakfast club sounds like an option but have heard from other parents at school the supervision lapses just before school take over and kids put outside to playground to wait. I do try to make sure he gets enough sleep. Thanks for reminding me it could just be lack of sleep today. Its just he seemed so angry and vicious this morning.

That was a bizarre, rude outburst. I'm not really sure what it was about. I'd arrange to have a serious sit down chat and try to find out what his point is. I'd also present my perspective on things. I would also say that having such outburst at you is nasty, unacceptable and is not going to resolve anything. He should apologise.

I can't see that you can accuse him of being lazy in relation to this issue. If I had to get up after two hours' sleep I would definitely be grumpy. You really need to talk to him about changing this arrangement.

I keep re-reading but I'm trying to see why he has to get up to drive you to work.

Is this because you don't drive (although it reads like you do when you say about dropping the children off at dsil1 - but I suppose that could be walking) or is it because you have the car at work when the children need to be taken to school?

Sorry, just trying to understand before I comment :)

Zuleika I meant was he BU I do not think he is lazy sorry for thread title not being clear. Its more the anger i was wondering about when as far as I was concerned this morning he had nothing extra to do- ds would have been eating at dsil house when dh usually sits and catches up with his dsis. Reading replies I realise that maybe he is just tired and if present routine is not suiting him them I need to apologise and make other arrangements.

Night work is awful. I would not get up to drive anyone anywhere half way through my night unless it's an emergency.

Why don't you take the car?

Weather he needs the car that 1 day a week to do school run as dsil who watches dc that day does not drive.

Unbroken sleep in the day is not the same quality as night time sleep.

Ahh right I see.

I think a solution could be that he doesn't go to bed as soon as he comes home, just like most people who work 9-5 get home and have an evening before bedtime.

So, he'd come home and do the things he usually would do at 1 - 2.45, watch tv, pay bills, play computer games, whatever he likes to do to relax. Then at school time, he'd take you to work and go through the normal routine at dsil2's house doing the school and then come home and go to bed, getting up later in the afternoon.

If that plan fits in with the afternoon school run (it may not, I know) it seems way better because DH gets uninterrupted sleep.

He seems helpful and usually amenable and while I know its horrible when they snap at you like that, and sometimes it really hurts (I feel for you) I think that perhaps its what other posters said and it's simply a really tired rant. I know when I'm overtired I can be totally irrational about events that are unfolding around me and say some completely uncalled for and unmeant things.

When I look back, I can't see what I was fussing about.

I think if you can find a way to stop the sleep break he'd be a lot happier generally.

His behaviour was bad, OP. But as someone who works NS, I can fully appreciate his crappy mood. It's a killer working NS and you are constantly knackered, no matter how much sleep you get. If he's getting into bed for a couple of hours, wakening up, taking you to work/dropping DC's at his sisters, waiting there to drop DS off at school, getting home to bed for 9am-ish and then back up at 2pm-ish to do a 3pm school pickup, he isn't getting a decent sleep at all! He's getting by on a two hour power nap when he gets in and only 5-ish hours of unbroken sleep in the morning/afternoon. He's then helping out with the kids and housework before heading to work to do another NS. I can totally see why he's cranky - he's shattered.

Can you buy a cheap secondhand car so that you're not reliant on only one and enroll DS into breakfast club? That way you can sort out the morning drop offs and DH can sort the afternoon pick ups? Sleep deprivation is horrible. For the sake of a happier family unit, I'd maybe look in to it.

But Head it is his normal so is his nighttime sleep.

Oh wait but I've just re-read your post and see that he'd just benefitted from uninterrupted sleep for two weeks

That makes what I said a bit irrelevant I think ....