AIBU and lazy or is dh?

[SecretAriel]

Sorry for length but I don't want to drip feed. Background I work 25 hours a week over 3 days, dh works 40 hours on shift basis but mainly nights. Dh usually gets jome from night shift at 4.30 or 5am and goes straight to bed). We have 2 dc boy of 6 and girl of 2. Details here might out me but I don't care!!! I do all cooking and vast majority of housework and cleaning. He will help out occasionally around the house (clear away plates at dinner empty dishwasher etc). I do most of childcare but he is quite hands on and helps at bedtime, does school run at hometime most days. On the days I work childcare for our 2 dc is shared between my dm and 2 dsil ( his 2 dsis). I start work at 8am and work 10 min drive away and on days where my mum or dsil1 have dcs i drop them off and they do morning school run. On days dsil2 has them dh drops me at work ( gets up after couple hours sleep) takes dd to dsil house and sits with a cuppa until school time when he drops son off and goes back to bed. When he gets up anytime between 1pm and 2.45pm he does not go to pick up dd from whoever has her but will as previously said go and pick up ds from school. If we are both in the house it is generally me who minds children makes sure safe unless i specifically say to him to keep an eye on dc so i can do something. Today is first day dsil2 has had dc since returing from holiday and since ds went back after half term so dh had had about 2 weeks of uninterrupted sleep in morning. Ds only returned to school yesterday so is more tired than usual.
Now the aibu bit ( sorry again for long post) as ds tired I let him sleep longer than usual and woke him in time to get him washed dressed for school but not fed. I assumed dsil2 would be able to feed him (she usually makes toast for both dc anyway but ds normally fed before he goes) and had sent a text to her to say could she feed him. Dh woke up as i was getting ds up at 7.30 and started a rant asking wtf had i been doing all morning (i got up at 6.15 showered dried hair got make up on got my bag ready for work got dc clothes bags shoes etc ready did not even have time for breakfast). He kept on ranting in background while i got dc ready and jackets on etc and whilst he was making himself a smoothie. I tend to let him go on as he does not run out of steam but builds himself up into a tizzy and I would be put of his way soon. He said i was selfish and lazy for not feeding ds and that now he would have to stay at dsil2 house til son fed before going on school run. I thought he does this anyway. He says he doesn't want that anymore and I only care for myself and am a bad mum for not making sure dc fed before leaving house. He says he is fed up interrupting his sleep to get me to work and I have no idea what it is like. Fwiw i get up most nights with dd. AIBU and lazy? I was on mumsnet whilst drying my hair so maybe took longer than I should have. He said he thought we were ok then i have to go and do this to him. Please show me his side of story as i really feel i was not BU. If i was i can apologise and change my routine and we can move on. If he is then he will never admit and will still believe that I am a lazy selish cow. Sorry

I think that a cheap car could be a help in general so he gets a long stretch of uninterrupted sleep, but I see that might not be affordable with all the extras insurance etc.

Is there any way he could ever switch to days?

Having worked nights I can tell you it's not ever a normal sleep. You can't just move your night! It's like having jet lag all the time!

I presume on his days off you expect him to be awake when you are?

I worked like that once. It almost killed me. I had to leave work.

He doesn't want to change to days as he says he sees us more when on nights. When he does do days (rarely) he hates it. Can't really afford a second car, but might have to ignore my misgivings and use a breakfast club. I realise many my OP was a bit long so some pp missed somethings

If you put DS in breakfast club for that day, you can drop off dd. Take DS to school, drive home and walk/cycle to work. DH then gets uninterrupted sleep and can do pick-up.

Your DH shouldn't have spoken to you like that. But your current set-up isn't great.

The alternative is for DH to use a bus for the school run and pickup, or get a second car. Or find a nearer child minder.

No Head on his day off he lies in bed til around noon at least. I really thought I was being understanding with him and his sleep
As I said in OP I do all housework cooking gardening etc and he will occasionally clear away dinner dishes. But this is not my issue, I know he works hard for our family and I try to support him as best I can. My issue was whether I was BU for not feeding ds before I went to work when I thought he would be at DSIL for around 30-45 mins anyway.

"Yes he shouldn't have spoken to you badly, but he is working twice the hours you are..." No he doesn't. He works twice as much outside the home but from the sounds of it when they in the house the OP does all childcare, housework cooking etc. So I don't think does work twice as long as she does.

He said he thought we were ok then i have to go and do this to him.

Do what to him. Yes I'd like to know that too. Doesn't seem like its any different to any other morning where he has to drop off the kids at your DSIL.

Can I clarify - are we talking about him doing this once a week? So the rest of the time he tends to get uninterrupted sleep?

Can I also ask what would he do if you weren't around? How would he manage then? Or does he just expect you to do all the organising, running around with the kids and he gets to go to work and back again? Because it seems to me like this is the one thing a week (apart from picking up your DS from school) he is expected to do to enable you to go to work whereas there are massive amounts of running around you do to enable him to go to work, including working part time.

You don't get good quality sleep at all on nights. I'm not surprised he lies in bed until noon on his day off. His body will be all out of sync.

I think you should have fed your son yes.

Scallops I just read your post and started crying! I really was starting to think I was in the wrong. It is once a week he does this run. I do know he works hard but feel he has no understanding of just how much I do to keep pressure of him! Thank you for understanding.

My DH used to work shifts and it is hard on the body. He didn't stay in bed until noon on his days off whilst I ran around after the children though.So whilst I do have some sympathy with him - it is limited.

Does he get a free pass to looking after his children because he works nights? Presumably he also decided/chose to have children? Who did he think was going to look after them whilst he was working?

That's OK Ariel. I thought that this might be the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak

Daytime sleep is absolutely not the same as night time sleep. I would think his body clock is totally out of kilter and it's not good long term for physical or mental health for anyone to do consistent night shift work over a long period of time.
Does he ever work days? For long enough for his body to reset itself?

I think your life sounds very tiring and complicated but I don't get your objections to breakfast club - it's there precisely for this sort of problem!

YANBU however it might just be that your DH is stressed and overtired so being snappy. Is he usually like this? You are deffo not lazy or selfish and i hope that he was just being grumpy and really he realises this.

Thank you to all posters for your opinions. Sometimes a bit of a virtual support/reality check is just what I need! Especially when sometime you lovely people are so much more articulate than me and understand where I am coming from.

Until you have worked nights I don't think you can really understand just how groggy it makes you feel.

Breakfast club sounds a better option.

Fwiw I used to work night within my shift pattern and until we had ds worked dayshift mon-thurs and nightshift fri sat every week. So I do know.

But yes breakfast club does look like best option for everyone.

Ah you are both knackered. If this is out of character, then he spoke horribly to you, but has lost perspective.

Just give each other a hug, both apologise to each other for poor communication, then sit down and work out the logistics of your life. Being honest but not accusatory! Keep on the same page and be willing to look at different alternatives.

Good luck! We're all just muddling through.

But I don't suppose you got up after a couple of hours to drive somewhere?

I'm just saying I have been the one to get home have a bit of sleep and then break, get up etc. I found it not reasonable long term.

You are at your deepest part of your sleep after two to three hours too.

I don't think it's right that he was horrid, but take it as a sign that he is struggling.

In an ideal world you would feed your DS yourself. However if there was way more time for Dsisinlaw to do it yanbu. Unless she's made a comment to DH / implied to him she resents feeding your child and he was going to feel embarrassed asking for food again? You sound like you're trying to ease the pressure on DH and are still getting grumped at. You say he could switch to days but prefers the nights? Obviously he needs to understand the impact that his decision has on the family and accept that the consequences that go with his choice.

I totally agree with headofthehive night shifts totally mess up your body. It takes me days to get back to feeling human, then it's time for nights again.
It is like constant jeg lag. I only cope as my DC are grown up and I just have to think about myself.
I can sleep from 9am until 4pm on my last shift, then still be ready for bed by 10pm.
It's horrible.

I get that nightshift makes you groggy. But his normal is nightshift and he is more "jetlagged" when he stops for a few days. And I will take from this thread that I should have fed ds (though i have to add he is usually full dresed fed and organised when he goes. This was isolated). And as far as i knew they were going to dsil for the usual amount of time which would be plenty time for him to eat. Dh and I spoke when I came home from work and I asked how we can improve things. He says i should drop dd at dsil off while he will walk to school with ds. This actually means he will be up longer than he is now though only by minutes but I did not comment on this. I suggested breakfast club but he said no. It seems he just resents taking me to work and not taking dc to or from places. My work is on the road to dsil so not out of way. I think what I am trying to write very inarticulately is that we were both bu.

I've just read the part where you ask specifically if you were unreasonable for not feeding your son and my answer is no, not at all.

You knew he'd sit for a while at his sisters and you knew she serves toast for her child anyway so to make a decision to leave your tired child to sleep a little longer knowing that he'd be provided food later on, is imo perfectly fine and I'd probably have done the same thing. It's just weird that he fussed about it seeing as it wouldn't cause him any delay at all.

I think he was either being deliberately nasty or simply snappy because he'd just woken up. You'd know if this outburst was out of character or if he's usually horrible. If it's the latter then I think you need to have a really good talk about the incident and others and explain that you won't tolerate this type of abuse.

I don't think men understand how distressing it is when they're angry and talking/accusing in a raised voice - it crushes your soul really, especially when it's a dig at you as a mother and it can feel very threatening, even if they're not remotely violent.

You don't sound lazy or negligent - the opposite in fact. I hope this answers the original question :)

He resents taking you to work? One day a week to make things more convenient for everybody? Does he resent putting himself out for you at other times too?