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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and lazy or is dh?

62 replies

SecretAriel · 19/10/2016 11:37

Sorry for length but I don't want to drip feed. Background I work 25 hours a week over 3 days, dh works 40 hours on shift basis but mainly nights. Dh usually gets jome from night shift at 4.30 or 5am and goes straight to bed). We have 2 dc boy of 6 and girl of 2. Details here might out me but I don't care!!! I do all cooking and vast majority of housework and cleaning. He will help out occasionally around the house (clear away plates at dinner empty dishwasher etc). I do most of childcare but he is quite hands on and helps at bedtime, does school run at hometime most days. On the days I work childcare for our 2 dc is shared between my dm and 2 dsil ( his 2 dsis). I start work at 8am and work 10 min drive away and on days where my mum or dsil1 have dcs i drop them off and they do morning school run. On days dsil2 has them dh drops me at work ( gets up after couple hours sleep) takes dd to dsil house and sits with a cuppa until school time when he drops son off and goes back to bed. When he gets up anytime between 1pm and 2.45pm he does not go to pick up dd from whoever has her but will as previously said go and pick up ds from school. If we are both in the house it is generally me who minds children makes sure safe unless i specifically say to him to keep an eye on dc so i can do something. Today is first day dsil2 has had dc since returing from holiday and since ds went back after half term so dh had had about 2 weeks of uninterrupted sleep in morning. Ds only returned to school yesterday so is more tired than usual.
Now the aibu bit ( sorry again for long post) as ds tired I let him sleep longer than usual and woke him in time to get him washed dressed for school but not fed. I assumed dsil2 would be able to feed him (she usually makes toast for both dc anyway but ds normally fed before he goes) and had sent a text to her to say could she feed him. Dh woke up as i was getting ds up at 7.30 and started a rant asking wtf had i been doing all morning (i got up at 6.15 showered dried hair got make up on got my bag ready for work got dc clothes bags shoes etc ready did not even have time for breakfast). He kept on ranting in background while i got dc ready and jackets on etc and whilst he was making himself a smoothie. I tend to let him go on as he does not run out of steam but builds himself up into a tizzy and I would be put of his way soon. He said i was selfish and lazy for not feeding ds and that now he would have to stay at dsil2 house til son fed before going on school run. I thought he does this anyway. He says he doesn't want that anymore and I only care for myself and am a bad mum for not making sure dc fed before leaving house. He says he is fed up interrupting his sleep to get me to work and I have no idea what it is like. Fwiw i get up most nights with dd. AIBU and lazy? I was on mumsnet whilst drying my hair so maybe took longer than I should have. He said he thought we were ok then i have to go and do this to him. Please show me his side of story as i really feel i was not BU. If i was i can apologise and change my routine and we can move on. If he is then he will never admit and will still believe that I am a lazy selish cow. Sorry

OP posts:

ZuleikaDobson · 19/10/2016 19:15

I think a solution could be that he doesn't go to bed as soon as he comes home, just like most people who work 9-5 get home and have an evening before bedtime. So, he'd come home and do the things he usually would do at 1 - 2.45

i don't think that would work, as he'd only be able to sleep between around 9.30 and 2.45.

Does he get a free pass to looking after his children because he works nights?

OP says that he collects them from school and presumably looks after them after school on days she is working. He also does some of the housework and helps at bedtime - in fact he works nights so he can spend more time with the family. That doesn't look too much like someone who expects a free pass.

redskytonight · 19/10/2016 20:04

Yes he resents taking her to work - because it means getting up 2 hours after he goes to sleep!

It would be the same as a person working a normal day going to bed at 11pm, getting up at 1am, driving to someone else's house, sitting and making conversation for 20 minutes, driving home and then going to bed and trying to go back to sleep. And then having to get up in time to collect DC from school. I don't much fancy it personally.

TotallyOuting · 19/10/2016 21:30

I suggested breakfast club but he said no.

Then he's made his bed. Do NOT let him take this shit out on you when he's choosing to keep getting uninterrupted sleep. If that was even the supposed problem. Doesn't sound like it is though, from your last post.

TotallyOuting · 19/10/2016 21:31

That should have been interrupted sleep, obviously, not uninterrupted.

GabsAlot · 19/10/2016 22:04

he shouldnt be driving after just two hours sleep its dangerous

but he also shoudlnt talk to you like shit either-my dh works nights its hard on the body an throws u compltely off he says he never has a good sleep on ns

BakeOffBiscuits · 19/10/2016 22:18

Has he apologised for being so nasty to you this morning?

I do understand why he would be extremely grumpy after only a couple of hours sleep but why take it out on you? Why not just say "I can't do this we need to talk".

Does he speak to you like this at other times?

43percentburnt · 19/10/2016 22:24

So he won't work days.
He won't use breakfast club.
He'd now prefer to get up earlier and walk - I'm assuming he feels this is safer? Or is he just being arsey thinking driving you to work is doing you a favour?

Do you get equal leisure time each week?

Headofthehive55 · 19/10/2016 22:31

Yes I walked instead of driving. It took me longer, but I felt safer. Good plan. I suspect he was trying to do the best he could, after all, breakfast club costs money and then he snapped this morning. I got to the point of sobbing. Then I realised I couldn't do it anymore.

ShebaShimmyShake · 19/10/2016 22:35

It's clearly a complex situation. I know you shouldn't speak badly to your partner but the guy does sound hugely, horribly sleep deprived and I think it's the exhaustion talking.

I can't help but notice that every time someone has expressed sympathy for his sleep deprivation, OP is on it telling us why it's not actually so bad (it sounds pretty nightmarish, if he were getting enough sleep to have nightmares). She's also told us in the OP how reasonable she'd be if people think she's wrong and how awful he'd be; he can't respond to that. And in response to those who do think she should cut him some slack, she's changing the original question; in the comments, it's now become purely about this one off breakfast rather than the long term situation she spent so long describing.

I don't doubt everyone's shattered and works hard in and outside of the home. That's probably the key issue. But going on how OP is coming across here, it does sound as though she doesn't really appreciate the husband's situation. She doesn't seem to be as open to the possibility that she's being at all unreasonable as she claims she is.

Perhaps it's time for a proper sit down and talk and listen to each other. I do wonder if the lack of understanding for his horrible sleep is preventing him from using a breakfast club.... if he thinks it'll be used as another reason why he's not as shattered as he says he is. As ever with AIBU, we know only half the story.

ThatStewie · 19/10/2016 22:38

He sounds incredibly lazy.

Working nights is horrendous. I've done it - as a single parent. It's nothing like working days but millions of people do it AND participate as parents doing all the grunt work that happens in families. The grunt work is just as shit & tiring as nightwork if you're the only adult in the house pulling their own weight.

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 20/10/2016 06:27

RedSky - that's a really good analogy. It does put it into perspective.

Sheba - I read your post and realised that you're completely right.

OP you asked for honesty and I think the general consensus is that although he spoke badly to you, there's a very strong chance that it's to do with his extremely hard work situation and you really do need to recognise the horribleness of his situation and the very helpful part he plays. You said you'd find a solution to help him and I think you need to do that first.

Only once he's not sleep deprived can you really judge if he's treating you innappropriately.

Blueskyrain · 20/10/2016 08:45

Just to add, just because you get up in the night tosort the kids, OP, doesn't mean its comparable what he does. Unless you properly get dressed, leave the house. Drive to two places, and make polite conversation before coming back to your house.

His sleeping pattern sounds horrendous, and he sounds far from lazy.

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