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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about ILs visiting after birth of baby?

65 replies

zazie7 · 18/10/2016 21:00

Our first baby is due at the beginning of December, so term would be any time from mid-Nov to mid-Dec. I'd appreciate any advice about whether I am BU about MIL and FIL visiting after the baby is born and what other people have done in similar situations, especially if they live a long distance or overseas from family.

We live across the atlantic from both sets of family who are in the UK. Also my MIL works in a school so is limited to school holidays.

MIL is very keen to book flights now for them to come for a week straight after Xmas. She wants to book the flights as soon as possible as they may get more expensive due to Xmas. They would be staying at a hotel, not with us.

I really don't feel comfortable with them booking flights so soon. I just feel like there are too many unknowns. WIBU to ask them to wait to book until the baby is born and we know how we are all feeling, or if they book sooner to put some restrictions on the visit such as that they may only be able come round once a day for an hour for the week they are here?

They are nice people and I get on with them but I am an introvert and they are the opposite. I find it exhausting spending long periods of time with them as they do not stop talking. If the baby is late we may still be in the early days of recovering from birth, trying to establish breastfeeding etc. which I feel I would find more difficult with an audience, especially as MIL has already made a few comments about formula being easier. I think they would expect to spend most of their time with us as there is not much to do in the area we live.

Also DH gets 2 weeks paternity leave from work plus his work closes between Xmas and New Year so regardless of when the baby arrives he will definitely be off work the week they are here. We'd like to spend quite a bit of time together as a family of 3 in the time he gets off and I'm worried that if we have visitors in that time it will mean we miss out on that.

OP posts:

stella23 · 18/10/2016 21:08

I think you would be better to ask her to wait till Feb half term if you're going to suggest on hours visit a day, it makes it harder that's she's school holidays only.

Would you ask the same of your mum?

I don't think yabu by the way

Nocabbageinmyeye · 18/10/2016 21:12

Well I think yabu, but I say that as someone who just doesn't get people not wanting visitors (within reason), given your mil is tied to what holidays she can take, asking her not to.come at Christmas will mean them waiting months which is, imo, unfair. I think they are staying in a hotel so it won't be so bad, just tell them to arrange some touristy/holiday things for themselves too for days you won't get to see them for long etc, plant the seed that you won't be living in each others pockets. Are your parents visiting?

chelseafan123 · 18/10/2016 21:14

In all honestly YABU. You can't expect them to wait until you feel comfortable just to book flights especially when you want to wait until the flights are expensive. They're not staying with you. Don't try and control them just let them book flights and once they're here there can be days when you don't want to see them but in your position living across and ocean from them I think you have to at least attempt to be welcoming when they've travelled that distance to you. It's not like they're round the corner and they'll be popping in ad nauseum for the next 18 years.

You're being very control freak- ish.

PberryT · 18/10/2016 21:16

I think yab slightly u.

What are your parents plans?

If they are in a hotel you could easily limit visit times.

Baby will definitely be born by the time they arrive. Why not just warn them about the potential limits to visiting.

ChasedByBees · 18/10/2016 21:16

I think they'll be heartbroken if they have to wait for months to see their new grandchild. I appreciate where you're coming from but I do think as they are so far away, having them stay nearby would be nice (and not so different from having a family who live near by).

CarShare · 18/10/2016 21:18

Yanbu- it's hard enough with a new baby you need to do things on your terms. Make it clear that you're excited to do the intros but it needs to be when you're ready. You're allowed to be in control here- it's not selfish, just self preserving.

usual · 18/10/2016 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorahBhone · 18/10/2016 21:19

Ordinarily I'd say yanbu but, based on your facts, I think you are. Your Mil holidays are dictated, she can't travel at other times and flights will be very expensive. Further, they aren't staying with you so you are in a position to ask them not to come around the following day.

Can you prepare something in advance to give them ideas of what to do like leaflets for museums etc. Coupons for cheap dinners? You shouldn't have to do this but it perhaps might make life easier.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 18/10/2016 21:20

YANBU.

We are lucky that no one lived far enough away to need to stay when we had either DC. To have had guests there for a long time would have drove me mad. With DC1, I was a wreck. First baby, very difficult birth, total mess, very tearful, was completely unprepared for how awful I would feel. ILs brought DH's nan on day 5. She is relentless, talks non stop and drives me mad at the best of times. It was so irritating and I hardly held it together. I couldn't cope with that for a week. With DC2, we spaced visitors out more, I was BF that time and had a section so recovering from surgery. ILs were there again at an awkward time and didn't get the hint to go elsewhere for a bit so I had to.

No way would I want house guests that close to giving birth. It's totally overwhelming and you don't know when you will give birth, how you will feel etc etc. I wasn't prepared at all for how hormonal I would be.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/10/2016 21:20

I think yabu. When are your parents seeing you?

usual · 18/10/2016 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NapQueen · 18/10/2016 21:23

They aren't asking to stay with you are they? If they are staying in a hotel then YABU.

AtSea1979 · 18/10/2016 21:23

I think YABU and should let them come and help out.

BarbarianMum · 18/10/2016 21:24

I think if you can't be a little bit welcoming then it would be better to tell them not to come. You can't tell them not to book flights until the week before Christmas, the prices really rocket. And no-one travels that far to sit in a hotel 23 hours a day. I can see that the timing sucks and that can't be helped but unless you can envisage so sort of arrangement where they come over for a couple of hours in the morning, then your dh takes them out and about in the afternoon or evening (for example) then it might be better to skip it altogether. Or could they drop in to you for a few days then go off and travel and then come back for a couple more days?

LotsOfShoes · 18/10/2016 21:24

I think Yabu too, sorry. They're staying at a hotel which really limits the intrusion. These are the baby's grandparents and given that there is no backstory and they are nice people, I think it would be cruel to not let them meet their grandchild. I do understand you're worried and anxious and that this is probably a stressful time for you. But this is also an exciting and beautiful moment for your family too.

AutumnColours9 · 18/10/2016 21:24

Yabu I think. Most people would book in advance. I think a short period a day for them is reasonable though. I know how you feel as an introvert but an hour a day for a few days isn't so bad. They live so far that it won't be happening often. My MIL was a nightmare and used to live round the corner!! She was round every day for hours making demands!

ParsnipSoup · 18/10/2016 21:24

YABU. If they have to wait until the next set of holidays their grandchild could be 3 months old before they meet them for the first time.

They sound like they're being thoughtful by staying in a hotel. Just make it clear that you may be tired and need some downtime just the 3 of you while they are there. You may find it useful having your ILs about so you can perhaps get to nap, or get them to organise dinner/pop to the shops.

MrsJayy · 18/10/2016 21:27

Yanbu why can't they visit their grandchild it's exciting for them they are going to a hotel and if they book now they will get cheaper flights

DavidPuddy · 18/10/2016 21:27

We live overseas, though not so far as you. Baby was born on a Saturday. We left hospital on the Wednesday and PIL arrived on the Friday for 5 days. They stayed in a hotel but came to us for breakfast and stayed all day.

It was fine. I spent a lot of time in the bedroom with the baby feeding and they had no problem with that. I think it was really good for my husband to have his parents there. He needed szpport so he could give me support.

Because we live overseas it is also really important for us that our families have as much contact with their grandchild as possible. These people are family. Not acquaintances.

I think if expectations are managed and you and your husband are on the same page then a visit at the end of December can be nice.

TigerLily666 · 18/10/2016 21:27

YANBU. I had the same issues. Both families live long way away and wanted to book in advance as baby was due in July therefore v expensive to travel / stay in hotel. I agreed my family and then my MIL consecutive weeks starting 10 days after due date.

Truthfully it was v difficult. Baby arrived more or less on time but we didn't bank on baby being unwell shortly after birth, needing to be in hospital for 5 days then subsequent midwife, HV and follow up hospital appointments. We ended up having to go to hospital with the little one for follow up the day my parents arrived. I didn't want to worry them and thought we would be back in plenty of time. Of course this didn't happen. Got out of hospital to many worried phone calls from parents who had arrived early and couldn't get in our house, wondered what had happened

Our house was full of visitors the two weeks we needed time to ourselves to adjust to having the baby and for me to try and establish bf etc. Only plus was that i was able to send mum out on errands that my DH would have failed at i.e. new clothes for me etc.

I wish it had all played out differently but it didn't and it was one of those things. And in all honesty I don't think I could've put them off any longer - first grandchild and all that

Strokethefurrywall · 18/10/2016 21:28

I live overseas too (Caribbean) and I suggested my mum & dad book for 10 days after due date. My MIL and her friend booked for 3 days after they left and FIL booked for 3 days after they left.

It was lovely. Both my boys were 2 weeks or so early so we had about 3 weeks to get on our feet before my mum & dad arrived. DH didn't get paternity leave but was able to work flexi hours.

All the grandparents got to see the baby when he was new and as I'd started expressing by that point, they all got to feed him, bathe him, change him and baby sit whilst DH and I went out to dinner and/or parties.

I think given that your MIL is tied to school holidays and they're staying in a hotel, YABU expecting them to wait so long before meeting their grandchild.

And given your due date is early December, the chances of you being that overdue and still being in the first day stages of bleeding, and soreness are slim.

Of course nobody can predict how your labor and birth are going to go, but chances are you'll be absolutely fine and if the only negative thing about them is that they talk a lot, YABU to want them to stay away. Your DH will no doubt be desperate to introduce his child to his parents and it's a little unfair to ask him not to.

NickyEds · 18/10/2016 21:28

YABU If your baby arrives mid November and your PIL have to wait until half term to visit (if you don't let them over Christmas)then their grandchild could be 2 months old before they get to meet them. Just put a few ground rules in place before the visit.

Andbabymakesthree · 18/10/2016 21:28

YABU a bit!

The key here is to set boundaries. Ask MIL to read x y or z about formula and how she can support you feeding. Explain that you might be tired and break from hosting.

user1466690252 · 18/10/2016 21:28

If they stayed in a hotel it would be ok. But honestly my second is 10 weeks old and this time I hated any visitors as I had a tough time bonding with this one and felt compleatly overwhelmed. I dont think your unreasonable totally. I would let them go to a hotel but get dh to stress you wont be seeing them everyday and to plan some nice things just them maybe. Good luck

Original poster

zazie7 · 18/10/2016 21:29

Thanks for the replies. I accept that I may be being unreasonable. It just feels like there are so many unknowns, I might be happy to have visitors and spend lots of time with them but it's hard to know in advance how we will feel especially as it is our first baby, and I would feel obliged if they have spent a lot on a visit to make it 'worth their while' with longer visits etc.

For those asking what my parents are doing, they are planning on waiting until the baby is born to make arrangements to visit. They don't have the same restrictions on school holidays though. They are hoping to time a visit for when DH goes back to work so we can spend his paternity leave as a family of 3 and so I can have some help when he is back at work.

OP posts:

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