AIBU about ILs visiting after birth of baby?

[zazie7]

Our first baby is due at the beginning of December, so term would be any time from mid-Nov to mid-Dec. I'd appreciate any advice about whether I am BU about MIL and FIL visiting after the baby is born and what other people have done in similar situations, especially if they live a long distance or overseas from family.

We live across the atlantic from both sets of family who are in the UK. Also my MIL works in a school so is limited to school holidays.

MIL is very keen to book flights now for them to come for a week straight after Xmas. She wants to book the flights as soon as possible as they may get more expensive due to Xmas. They would be staying at a hotel, not with us.

I really don't feel comfortable with them booking flights so soon. I just feel like there are too many unknowns. WIBU to ask them to wait to book until the baby is born and we know how we are all feeling, or if they book sooner to put some restrictions on the visit such as that they may only be able come round once a day for an hour for the week they are here?

They are nice people and I get on with them but I am an introvert and they are the opposite. I find it exhausting spending long periods of time with them as they do not stop talking. If the baby is late we may still be in the early days of recovering from birth, trying to establish breastfeeding etc. which I feel I would find more difficult with an audience, especially as MIL has already made a few comments about formula being easier. I think they would expect to spend most of their time with us as there is not much to do in the area we live.

Also DH gets 2 weeks paternity leave from work plus his work closes between Xmas and New Year so regardless of when the baby arrives he will definitely be off work the week they are here. We'd like to spend quite a bit of time together as a family of 3 in the time he gets off and I'm worried that if we have visitors in that time it will mean we miss out on that.

Your feelings are natural and understandable. They sound like considerate people though, would you be able to express yourself to them about your worries? A 'schedule' that I found quite easy to cope with was asking visitors to come at lunchtime, ask them to prepare lunch for us to have together, then I'd go for a nap while they washed up and looked after baby. Then they went home when baby wanted next feed. Everyone sort of knew what their 'role' was and there was a natural end to the visit.

Put them off until you are ready. I can just imagine MIL turning up straight after breakfast and staying all day, monopolising and demanding to fed the baby a bottle, asking for meals and endless cup of tea.

• They'll be in a hotel- no chasing/cleaning up after them and you can have defined visiting times to suit you and the baby.
• The above ^ makes it sound like they already have a reasonable idea of what constitutes 'intruding' at a special but daunting time.
• Their travel dates are clearly constrained by work commitments, so no chance of a long visit.
• Your DH is going to be there and available to entertain them for the entirety of their trip.

Because of the above (those poor women who deal with a newborn and PIL for 3,4,6 weeks on their own in a two bed flat ) I think YABU. There's a chance you could sell the half term trip to yourself and your partner, but I don't think there's anything you could do to make your PIL feel ok about not being able to see a much wanted grandchild for several months when the other set of GP have very likely been over. It really depends on how you feel about that.

Both our families live a flight away and we had four (both my and husband's mum and dad) week long visits shortly after our two kids were born. Our families don't do hotels so they stayed with us each time.

I thought i would find it intrusive, especially because my mother can be very opinionated; but it turned out to be the best arrangement ever. Our parents would make food, tidy the house and do some shopping so we were free to enjoy the baby. They also spent a few hours in the early mornings with the baby so we could have a a much needed lie in.

You are right though that they should be respectful of your needs and boundaries when they visit. Could you talk to your DP and make sure that he knows how you feel? he could then be in charge of negotiating visiting times etc with them in accordance with your needs.

Buy overall I really think that if you live far away from your extended family you have to bite the bullet sometimes and put up with some less-than-ideal visits. It is worth it for the benefit of your DC having a caring and involved extended family.

Feel free to PM me. Our kids are 1 and almost 3 now and I have a lot of experience with relatives visiting...

I am on the YABU camp - If you have the baby early it would potentially be 3 months old by the time you let them visit.

I also don't get the whole hiding from the world for weeks on end - would drive me up the wall. Have managed to bond and build a family unit without the need to ban any visitors - even had some stay both times.

It sounds like your parents will be allowed to come straight away but only because they can afford to book at late notice.

let them choose an hour a day after christmas, or wait til half term.

if it were me I would take the hour a day option as seeing baby when first born is lovely.

YANBU - in our case we said no booking of tickets until after the birth and so we can then decide on a good time, or I think it was 4 months after due date if they wanted to book earlier.

The non-overseas visitors - but still a few hours away - weren't given any different advice, although they didn't end up coming for a weekend sooner than the couple of week visit with them leaving for a few days in the middle, visit from the overseas GPs.

Don't let them book until you know exactly how things are, a few weeks after due date, no way would I agree with, even with the hotel.

I'm always at the comments about dh/dp moderating or even entertaining visitors on these threads as well.

Maybe he doesn't want to look after visitors? Maybe he wants some peace and quiet and to focus on his partner and new baby?

I know my dh did.

I don't think yabu actually. I think it is more than conceivable that you could be nearer to mid Dec for your first birth, so baby will only be potentially a week or two old when they arrive, so definitely in the very early days. These kind of visits are not like when your family live down the road, they will want to spend most of the days with you understandably. I think because of that, Feb half term would be a whole lot more sensible! I am assuming they won't be coming back for a fair old while after that first trip so surely t is better to see baby when they are start to be a bit more alert, little smiles even!? and when you have your breastfeeding shit together

With them staying in a hotel and the holiday limitations you are being unreasonable. I have the same set up but other way around, we are in the uk. In laws stayed with us in our tiny place which is much harder, they came when baby was 10 weeks. It was challenging but for the rest of the year they are on the other side of the world. However I would be clear on your standards - get your husband to say you are very keen on breastfeeding and if they suggest formula it will upset you, if they do this you won't want them around. Maybe say you said if friends suggested formula they weren't going to be asked back till you've established breastfeeding for a couple months and he thinks this applies to them too?

...although I think I would 'encourage' mil to think about it rather than dictate! I'm struggling to imagine what it must be like with a brand new squishy grandchild so many hours away but just waiting to be met. I can kind if see why are wants to see them so soon! Maybe just accept that you will have at least ten days of blissful quiet and then most of the rest of 2017... Holidays are always a bit of a compromise when you live away from family.

I don't think YABU. I am due mid November and no one has booked flights to come and see us, thank goodness, because I made it clear we will not be having guests until DH is back at work. We're a 24 hour flight from my in laws and they won't meet little one until she's 5 or 6 months old. It's a bloody expensive flight and I figure she will be much more fun at that age than as a tiny newborn/1 month old. If I had the choice of seeing a siblings baby at 3 weeks old or 2 months, I'd go at 2 months when I could be a little more sure that the family would be settled and we could actually get out and do bits without it causing too much stress, and I wouldn't want to impose on their time as a new family.

And I'm slightly at the suggestion upthread of DH taking his parents out sightseeing for the afternoons while you're at home with a newborn during his precious time off!

but then I'm an arsehole who is very introverted

Inlaws visiting can mean you and your dh having an hour together alone to go for a coffee and talk about everything that's happened to you. It can mean someone else to add to the fan club for your dc. You might be surprised how much you want to show him/her off to other appreciative people! You know they will not be there every weekend as relatives living close by could be.

They don't want to wait till the baby is a few months old and more "fun", they want to see the newborn dgc. If your relationship with them is normally good then I think you are being over-anxious and seeing only the negatives.

Another introvert here. YANBU.
Do what suits you and your family. As a MIL I would certainly understand.