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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about ILs visiting after birth of baby?

65 replies

zazie7 · 18/10/2016 21:00

Our first baby is due at the beginning of December, so term would be any time from mid-Nov to mid-Dec. I'd appreciate any advice about whether I am BU about MIL and FIL visiting after the baby is born and what other people have done in similar situations, especially if they live a long distance or overseas from family.

We live across the atlantic from both sets of family who are in the UK. Also my MIL works in a school so is limited to school holidays.

MIL is very keen to book flights now for them to come for a week straight after Xmas. She wants to book the flights as soon as possible as they may get more expensive due to Xmas. They would be staying at a hotel, not with us.

I really don't feel comfortable with them booking flights so soon. I just feel like there are too many unknowns. WIBU to ask them to wait to book until the baby is born and we know how we are all feeling, or if they book sooner to put some restrictions on the visit such as that they may only be able come round once a day for an hour for the week they are here?

They are nice people and I get on with them but I am an introvert and they are the opposite. I find it exhausting spending long periods of time with them as they do not stop talking. If the baby is late we may still be in the early days of recovering from birth, trying to establish breastfeeding etc. which I feel I would find more difficult with an audience, especially as MIL has already made a few comments about formula being easier. I think they would expect to spend most of their time with us as there is not much to do in the area we live.

Also DH gets 2 weeks paternity leave from work plus his work closes between Xmas and New Year so regardless of when the baby arrives he will definitely be off work the week they are here. We'd like to spend quite a bit of time together as a family of 3 in the time he gets off and I'm worried that if we have visitors in that time it will mean we miss out on that.

OP posts:

MrsMook · 18/10/2016 21:29

The Christmas holidays are a few weeks after the latest that baby would arrive, and they are not expecting you to be looking after them, so I think their plan is reasonable given their constraints of time and avaliability of the flights.

My MiL is in a different country and timed a 2 week visit with us when DH returned from paternity leave. She stayed with us other than a weekend with BiL in the middle, and was very supportive in the house. Both births had tough recoveries so her support and company were very helpful at a time when I couldn't get out and would have struggled with household routines. I knew I was feeling more myself when I began to want to reclaim my home

MrsJayy · 18/10/2016 21:30

And it's your partners parents it's his baby too

SquinkiesRule · 18/10/2016 21:30

YABU she's tied to school holidays and waiting for the next one is a bit mean. What about your parents are they allowed to come and visit?

TribbleTrouble · 18/10/2016 21:31

YABU, they can't exactly pop in for a quick twenty minute cuppa can they. You've made the choice to live overseas and have children there, so you'll have to accept the fact that Grandparent visits will be short time soaking affairs.

Plus they're not staying with you, they're in a hotel and I think it's very unreasonable of you to put them off booking flights. It's not like they'll be travelling easyjet, flights across the pond are expensive things, especially around Christmas time.

M0nstersinthecl0set · 18/10/2016 21:31

YAB (a bit) U. They aren't fully invading you, they're looking to stay elsewhere. The week after Christmas is fairly noninvasive. You'll have had a cosy Christmas with your new child. They can visit some places. They might even take you out for a couple of nice meals (if you want to of course).
Of course gently tell them you've no idea how visitor ready you will be 2-6 (ish) weeks post birth (they'll know that though).
The reason why yabu - It's ALWAYS going to be a fairly big deal for them to visit, and you'll always be a family of three from then on (x). I know dh will be off work etc - but that plays in your favour with fielding them if you are too tired etc (not to mention his parents will be so proud to see him being dad and husband in action as it were).

user1466690252 · 18/10/2016 21:32

And to be honest, i have no issue in saying they couldn't meet their grandchild for 8 weeks, you bonding as a family of 3 is mote important. Maybe im mean?

Overthehillandroundthebend · 18/10/2016 21:34

Do what is right for you, honestly! I think your time with your newborn baby and husband is a lot more important to you than their trip is to them. They can come later. Just be clear from the outset. My mother did this to us and said she would cancel the tickets if the baby was late, but ended up appearing anyway. It was awful. If you have any doubt put them off now to feb.

MidnightAura · 18/10/2016 21:35

I can see your side, I can see myself in your position. I don't think your Mum and your MIL are comparable though, Most likely you will feel more comfortable with your Mum and not your in laws.

But that being said, as your MIL's job does restrict her annual leave it does seem a little unfair to ask her to wait until the first school holiday after Christmas. I totally understand you don't want any plans set in concrete just yet as you don't know how you will feel and quite rightly need time to adjust after the birth but if everything goes well and you give birth early in December, it would be very expensive for last minute flights.

They are staying in a hotel, it could be worse they could be wanting to stay with you! I think the person who suggested trying to make it clear that they don't have to live in your pockets is a good idea but if you get on well with them I'm sure they would give you all space and won't be hanging out at the house all day if you are feeling tired.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 18/10/2016 21:38

I think this is all about managing expectations.
As someone married to a teacher, I totally get how awkward it is to be limited to holidays. In your shoes I would let them book the flights and accommodation but both you and dh need to be clear that:

you may only be feeling like short visits
any guests need to be self sufficient wrt refreshments, food etc.
you call the shots in terms of when visits happen.

You're not intending to be obstructive but they need to acknowledge that you could have a very young baby and be recovering from birth still.

I totally agree with a pp though who said that their dh needed support so he could support them. Hopefully they're 'that kind' of person.

Congratulations, and good luck over the next few weeks/months

Tumtitum · 18/10/2016 21:41

I also live in a different country to my in laws and they came over the day after DD was born (not planned that way, they were here for a family birthday and she was late!). They didn't stay with us and they were incredibly respectful, only coming round when we called them. The only bad thing was I ended up staying up too late when I should have been sleeping with baby, so I got very tired!

EllieM22 · 18/10/2016 21:54

YANBU!

We are in a similar situation with my PIL (why is it always the ILs? My DPS are fine!)

They want to come and visit (5hr drive) the same day - ideally they want a call as i go into labour.

We asked for a few days (a week max) to ourselves first. We cannot predict how the labour will go, may end up with an emcs and need time to recover. I am a complete introvert and want to be in a bubble with DH and DC for a while, i dont think that is unreasonable given how hard the birth and last 9 months will have been.

They however feel that they should be part of that bubble amd dont see the distinction between our family of 3, and the extended family that involves grandparents. We were literally told that they dont "count" as visitors. As they are the invasive and overbearing type i just know they will be over all day everyday.

Our plan is NOT to call until baby is here and atleast feeding well, and take it from there.

IMO after you carry a baby for 9 months and give birth, you get to be selfish and make the rules. Yes its their grandchild but you arent forbidding them from ever meeting it, you are asking for much needed space

ollieplimsoles · 18/10/2016 22:00

Op,

Do not be put steered by people on this thread saying you are mean/ grandparents will be 'heart broken'/ its your fault for chosing to have children abroad... Its all ridiculous.

Grandchild or not, you are fully entitled to want to recover and relax as a new family. You may be stressed, tired, establishing breastfeeding and feeling vulnerable. Do you really want your ils to invade you so soon after the birth?

Stand up for yourself, your mil's job and money saving is nothing to do with you.

I absolutely would not let them come in your situation. My DD went 10 days overdue and people were making all sorts of plans around me. I got more and more stressed (also introvert with opposite ils) and in the end i just said no to everything and shut myself away.

They can wait, it's not the end of the world.

I'm always surprised and dismayed by the amount of people on these threads that think a new mum is being precious or unreasonable just for not wanting to entertain visitors as soon as she gives birth!

TrinityForce · 18/10/2016 22:01

Flights to Europe (some places) are £20 right now. They get more expensive as the seats sell out and end up at £300+ for the last ones. Definitely book now if the flights are cheap.

ollieplimsoles · 18/10/2016 22:01

And it's your partners parents it's his baby too

Rubbish... Its his baby, not theirs.

Stinkerbelle37 · 18/10/2016 22:06

I sympathise but yabu, and I speak as someone who had my pfb overseas and didn't relish visitors (always with us, never a hotel!)

I think it's really good that they are planning to stay in a hotel, and I'm sure they want to see their DS too - and not come all that way and him be at most of the week. They want to see him being a father, which is understandable ...

You are being totally reasonable in that your instincts tell you to draw up the drawbridge and protect your own, because I firmly believe that is just what happens to lots of Mums - that can be a strong and common reaction. But given the circumstances, you'd be unreasonable to act on it.

I think it will be fine, and I hope you can relax and enjoy seeing how much other people are going to love your child too. Just be confident enough to make sure that you do speak up if something bothers you. Nothing worse than seething silently....

ollieplimsoles · 18/10/2016 22:08

but in your position living across and ocean from them I think you have to at least attempt to be welcoming when they've travelled that distance to you.

I'm utterly agog.

Shes carried a baby for 9 months, just had it, never done it before and is likely to be feeling out of sorts to say the least, but her ils have 'traveled', so....

EweAreHere · 18/10/2016 22:09

I disagree with most posters. Based on the logistics and timing and paternity leave, firstborn, introvert vs extrovert, etc, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask that they wait until the February half term. Plus, the holidays are a loaded time, and if there's not much to do in your area, they will want to spend all the time with you, and you may well be wiped with a newborn. It's only 6 weeks farther along the calendar (as it's the shortest term of the year), and by then the baby will be more interesting and interactive, too. Newborns aren't actually that exciting. Adorable, yes. Exciting, not really.

I would strongly campaign for a February visit. And commit to spending some time with them when they come.

MrsMcMoo · 18/10/2016 22:11

Yanbu at all, I'm amazed that some people don't understand that you might be feeling vulnerable and need peace and calm.

katienana · 18/10/2016 22:14

Baby will be at least 2 weeks old. If you're still feeling awful at that stage then extra help will be most welcome! I normally say visitors should back off and wait to be asked but the circumstances are a bit different here. In a way if you know when they are coming you can mentally prepare for it more. Just hide in the bedroom when you need to and get dh on.board with picking up hints a when you want them to go.

ollieplimsoles · 18/10/2016 22:16

Say 'no' firmly op, draw up the bridge, and bed down. You won't regret it.

Enjoy your baby before the 'arent you doing it this way? Why haven't you done it that way?' Comments start coming

BackforGood · 18/10/2016 22:17

Another who thinks YABU.
They can only come in the school holidays. They have left it right to the end. They are not even staying with you. they are excited to become grandparents and want to support their son and DiL now, not wait until Easter. Of course they need to make the plans now - that's an expensive time of year for travel and staying places. Baby could even be 5 weeks or so by that time - even if you go over, baby will still have been here a couple of weeks.

OlennasWimple · 18/10/2016 22:18

I would prefer to have the early visit with the excuse of having a new born to manage in order to shut myself in my room if I wanted, rather than visitors later on and be expected to be completely on top of everything...

Gottagetmoving · 18/10/2016 22:21

If you lived near them, would you make them wait weeks to meet their grandchild?
If they are staying in a hotel they won't be with you all the time. Your dh should be able to let them know how much is enough whilst they are there so you are not overwhelmed.

NicknameUsed · 18/10/2016 22:38

"Flights to Europe (some places) are £20 right now."

TrinityForce the OP lives across the Atlantic from family.

EweAreHere · 18/10/2016 22:39

Please, if they lived near them they could come by for a couple of hours when it was convenient, meet their grandchild, and then go home and leave them in peace while they bonded as a family of 3 and dealt with little to no sleep. Completely different than staying in a hotel for a week in an area with nothing much to do nearby other than want to spend lots of time with OP's family. They will want to be with OPs family much of the time ... because they will have traveled all that way to do so.

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