I'm sick of my dd getting the blame..

[Usernameinvalid16]

My dd is 2 years old. Dniece (5) Dnephew (also 2) are at my house everyday (both parents work) and normally everything is fine but occasionally they all fight, its usually over toys.
Now i understand my daughter can be rough, we are working our hardest (with her preschool teachers) to get her to stop and her behaviour has improved! She has stopped the hair pulling, biting, pushing and pulling. I am really happy with her progress.

Dsis and BIL can't see the improvement (we physically see them once a week) Dsis does drop offs and pick ups but i only see her for 5 mins in the morning and afternoon.
When they do visit they constantly shout at dd when in my opinion she has done nothing wrong (jumping around, shouting and running in circles) i do remind her to use her inside voice but she gets excited. I don't agree with telling her to 'shut up' because i have a headache..

Dnepew does cry a lot. Whenever my dd gets close he slaps her. I try to tell Dsis this but she thinks the fault lies with dd. I see the 3 dc everyday and i know what they are like! Dniece blames dd for everything even if i seen Dniece do it.
For example Dniece throws all the shoes off the rack and i ask why did you do that? Can you pick them back up please she then turns around and tells me that dd done it and she won't pick them up. Another one is she emptied the 2 toy boxes and when asked to pick them back up she tells me that dd should do it because it was her fault, i could go on.
Dniece obviously tells her version of events and i'm sure you know how children exaggerate things/make them up. I always get a phonecall accusing dd of pulling dniece's hair or scratching her and i think to myself that never happened and fill them in on what we have done that day and they will go on and on with 'but dniece told me this happened' she could tell them that a 3 legged elephant jumped out the bushes and they would believe her because 'she doesn't tell lies'.
Anyway tonight i had a few missed calls and they told me that dniece has a massive scratch on her back (obviously i do not have a clue where that came from) i don't take her clothes off, she uses the bathroom by herself all i do is remind her to wash her hands. She has told them that dd done it but dniece never said anything to me about it (she normally cries and tells me instantly) but nothing like that happened today. Infact i had a word with them all about getting on because they are friends and dniece was huffy about it.
I am getting fed up of it now and its really upsetting me.
Maybe it is dd faults and i'm just fooling myself about her improvement.
I don't know why i'm posting this, i think i just wanted to get a few things off my chest.

[GabsAlot]

let them moan-why should they come around abuse your child then drop their kids off the nxt day coz its convieneint for them

[Dontpanicpyke]

Oh for goodness sake op woman up!

Tell them to fuck off!!!

If you want to child mind properly PM me for info if you are in England. I have all my policies etc and coukd set you up.

Your dd is perfectly normal for now but please stop these twats bullying her and you going forwards.

[Enkopkaffetak]

OP you sound like a loving mother who wants the best for her child.

I agree with everyone else here that you need to put a stop to this.

If BIL moans about the expense of their new child care just smile and say something non committal like " yes it is expensive having children have you seen the price of school uniform/nappies/anything that currently is in fashion to do with children"


Also very much DO look into child development you sound ideal for a job like that.

[DPotter]

User - look they don't agree with how you parent, they shout at your dd who is 2 yrs old and they clearly don't like your dd either.

You must be basically giving them free child care for them to accept what they think is poor child-care.

I agree with other pp - write out a note explaining you can no longer provide child care for them as they clearly don't like the care you are providing and that it would be best for the children, your and theirs, for them to find alternative childcare. Don't suggest it - say you are stopping and they have to find alternative.
If they argue and pull in your parents, just say well you're always complaining about how I look after your kids, so I think its time to stop. End of. I know it's easy for me to say, but they are being horrible bullies to you and your dd and that's not fair

[Inertia]

This isn't working for you, or your daughter. She deserves the chance to play in her own home.

Bil and sister's childcare is their own responsibility.Sounds like they scapegoat you as well as your daughter.

Good luck with the child care qualifications.

[QueenLizIII]

They shall soon be laughing until they split their sides.

1. They no longer get discounted childcare.
   
2. Their badly behaved children no longer get to push DD around, in fact they may get pushed around for real in another child minders place.
   
3. They will no longer be able to bully a toddler.
   

But your DD will be so much happier.

[FetchezLaVache]

Honestly, who the fuck ARE these people that they basically cadge free childcare off you and then tell you that your parenting skills aren't the best? Well, if you're so second-rate at parenting, why are they happy for you to be looking after their children? Tell them it's just not working for you any more and give them a couple of weeks' notice.

[AppleMagic]

How DARE they criticise your parenting skills whilst using you as very cheap childcare . I'm angry on your behalf!

[Usernameinvalid16]

I'm telling her first thing tomorrow morning, i need to get it out of the way if i leave it any longer i will talk myself out of doing it. As soon as i tell her i will lock both gates so she can't come in and dump them on me then relax hide in bed with dd. Sounds ridiculous.

[Tomorrowillbeachicken]

Lock the gates, turn off the phone, relax and enjoy your dd

[DPotter]

Good for you!

[Usernameinvalid16]

I'll let you all know how it goes!

[stella23]

BIL will go on about it for a long time, he'll moan about the new childcare that they can't afford.
Oh well tough shit. Should have been more appreciative.

You need to protect you dd from this bullshit. You are her voice. Put a stop to it. Be stronge.
Give them a weeks notice. If you can't tell them to their face text them

[OlennasWimple]

Good luck Usernameinvalid

The arrangement clearly isn't working for your niece and nephew either, if they are in constant conflict with your DD (sometimes I find it easier to do difficult things if I rationalise to myself that there is some other reason to do it, IYSWIM)

[stella23]

Do you all live in the same house?

[YeOldMa]

You sound like a great parent and I wish I had had one more like you. You don't have to have any reason to decide you don't wish to continue with the arrangement, you just have to say no. Please don't let anybody tell you how to parent your child, you sound like you've done all the right things by doing the Parent Skills classes and their way of parenting sounds like it is very negative. Your child will turn out beautifully whereas theirs are more likely to have the problems. Good luck x

[Tomorrowillbeachicken]

BIL and Sis are freeloading knobends

[SwearySwearyQuiteContrary]

You sound like a great mum and lovely person. Your DSIS and BIL are taking advantage and enjoying having you "work" for them and your DD being a scapegoat. You don't need this shit.

[leopardgecko]

I don't want to harm my future relationship with my daughter. When they leave she is so much happier, i will talk to dsis in the morning and tell her she's clearly not happy with the arrangement and suggest she finds someone else. I need to stick up for my dd i need to be her voice.

You sound like the most wonderful mum (and wonderful sister and auntie too). But you are right, you need to put your lovely dd first. As a son who was constantly scapegoated (he had ADHD and was therefore the loudest and more obvious) and it truly does have really long term negative consequences.

Maybe after a while you could consider being a registered childminder? You sound an ideal person to care for little ones (it's your sister that is the problem here). Anyway, that is for the future.

Good luck tomorrow and if you begin to lack courage remember you are doing this for your dd.

ps can't you just stop the hv visits if she is so negative?

[RandomMcRandomface]

You sound like a good Mum because you are self-aware and trying. Taking parenting lessons is a sign of that, not a sign of being a poor parent. IMO some of the worst parents are the ones who think they are good ones.

[Supertrooperloopthelooper]

Stand up to them. Don't waver. I have a kid who was scapegoated and labelled. The damage has lasted years and the self esteem issues are huge.

[seven201]

Definitely stop this arrangement. They can't use you for free childcare (excluding costs) and constantly have a go at you/your dd! Everyone parents differently, but yours and your sister's approaches are very very different so it's never going to work.

[TheFirie]

Just jeep it simple, tell them it doesn't work anymore, there is too much tension and nobody seems happy. Remind them you helped them for so many months/weeks and you are glad you did, but it has now reached a difficult point and you won't be able to do it anymore.

[HexBramble]

Do it OP. You'll feel so much relief once it's done. Awful that your family are taking so much for granted here.

You sound lovely

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Good luck with this morning. You sound so lovely and caring. From what you have said, you are the family scapegoat and they are passing this onto the next generation i.e. Your dd. And their eldest at 5 has already been very well trained by her parents. They sound highly toxic and I feel sorry for your niece and nephew as they're not going to be happy with parents like these. However, you cannot think of them right now. Your child comes first and you need to protect her.

My Brother / sil / mother tried doing this with my dd as I'm the family scapegoat. Growing up, I used to be the invisible one, saying nothing. These days, I'm feisty so it didn't work. Luckily we are all spread out over the country. Have you read anything on narcissism?