I'm sick of my dd getting the blame..

[Usernameinvalid16]

My dd is 2 years old. Dniece (5) Dnephew (also 2) are at my house everyday (both parents work) and normally everything is fine but occasionally they all fight, its usually over toys.
Now i understand my daughter can be rough, we are working our hardest (with her preschool teachers) to get her to stop and her behaviour has improved! She has stopped the hair pulling, biting, pushing and pulling. I am really happy with her progress.

Dsis and BIL can't see the improvement (we physically see them once a week) Dsis does drop offs and pick ups but i only see her for 5 mins in the morning and afternoon.
When they do visit they constantly shout at dd when in my opinion she has done nothing wrong (jumping around, shouting and running in circles) i do remind her to use her inside voice but she gets excited. I don't agree with telling her to 'shut up' because i have a headache..

Dnepew does cry a lot. Whenever my dd gets close he slaps her. I try to tell Dsis this but she thinks the fault lies with dd. I see the 3 dc everyday and i know what they are like! Dniece blames dd for everything even if i seen Dniece do it.
For example Dniece throws all the shoes off the rack and i ask why did you do that? Can you pick them back up please she then turns around and tells me that dd done it and she won't pick them up. Another one is she emptied the 2 toy boxes and when asked to pick them back up she tells me that dd should do it because it was her fault, i could go on.
Dniece obviously tells her version of events and i'm sure you know how children exaggerate things/make them up. I always get a phonecall accusing dd of pulling dniece's hair or scratching her and i think to myself that never happened and fill them in on what we have done that day and they will go on and on with 'but dniece told me this happened' she could tell them that a 3 legged elephant jumped out the bushes and they would believe her because 'she doesn't tell lies'.
Anyway tonight i had a few missed calls and they told me that dniece has a massive scratch on her back (obviously i do not have a clue where that came from) i don't take her clothes off, she uses the bathroom by herself all i do is remind her to wash her hands. She has told them that dd done it but dniece never said anything to me about it (she normally cries and tells me instantly) but nothing like that happened today. Infact i had a word with them all about getting on because they are friends and dniece was huffy about it.
I am getting fed up of it now and its really upsetting me.
Maybe it is dd faults and i'm just fooling myself about her improvement.
I don't know why i'm posting this, i think i just wanted to get a few things off my chest.

[dementedpixie]

Although should your niece not still be at nursery too (or is it your October holiday this week?)

[MrEBear]

5 even in Scotland is old not to be in school.

Ok our oldest kids are 5.5 starting school March birthday, a child who has just turned 5 now (assuming an October birthday) would be 5&10 months starting school in August 2017. I didn't think you could defer a October child.

[dementedpixie]

OP hasn't given her nieces birthday so I wouldn't infer that it is in October as it could be much earlier in the year

[MrEBear]

If her birthday was much earlier in the year she'll be 6 before next August.

The only way she is legally not in school is by deferring
March-August can't defer
September - December can defer but not guaranteed extra preschool funding
January - February can defer, guaranteed funding.

So I'm assuming the parents have deferred but aren't guaranteed funding for preschool. Hence op has been full-time cheap childcare.

[Usernameinvalid16]

Its already october break here, it started on friday where i am. I don't want to say too much about dniece's birthday, i don't want to out myself. There's no reception here, just playgroup, nursery then school (i thought it was the same all over the uk) dd will be in funded nursery for a while before starting school.

[dementedpixie]

It's our October week here too. Our primary 1 is roughly equivalent to reception as it is the first year at primary school

[Usernameinvalid16]

I see, it's confusing when everythings done differently.

[TheFirie]

Of course it is quiet, but you can now organise playdate and invite people over for biscuits and snack and lovely play time. Now that winter is coming, your DD can make friends who don't have prejudice or assumption about her behaviour .
You know if you look long enough and wait long enough yu will see wrong behaviour in pretty much anyone. But the same if you look and wait you will also see good and lovely behaviour. It all depend what you are looking for.

It is a shame, but the relationship was biased and damaged, and it was mining your confidence and it was unfair on your DD.

Yes losing suddenly the company is a surprise, but there are plenty of things you can do to fill the gap.

You have done well and you sound so lovely

[lightsandresistance]

My dd is a March birthday and year nine.
My friends dd is the exact same age but in Scotland and went to secondary a whole year later I think.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It will take time to adjust. Your dd will be fine and you sound like a lovely mum. Do you have any toddler groups to go to in your area or know any parents with children roughly the same age as your dd? She will want interaction with other littlies especially if she's used to being part of a "sibling style" group.

[Usernameinvalid16]

She goes back to nursery after the holidays. There is toddler groups in our area but i just felt uncomfortable (i went once) they were loud and all knew each other so i was left out. She loves nursery and gets on with all the other children there, the teachers would tell me if she was hitting anyone but so far it's been fine

[Mummyoflittledragon]

As long as you are both getting what you need in terms of peer interaction, these groups aren't essential. It was just an idea. Just bear in mind it does take some time to get to know people in these groups. People may only know each other because they go regularly. I know it's intimidating to go by yourself to a group like this one. I don't think for one minute there are issues with hitting. She's just a little dot and some children go through stages of biting and hitting anyway and grow up to be fantastic siblings, friends and adults. Your sister is a drama queen and she's taking confidence from you by even entertaining these notions. Did you see the post about scapegoating and narcissism?

[Tomorrowillbeachicken]

I didn't do the toddler groups with my DS. He's not had any issues with other children at school or nursery and has a wide group of friends.

[Dontpanicpyke]

So glad it's sorted op. Don't let her come crawling back as any change will be temporary to get you under her thumb again.

Stay strong and look forward now to a proper job where you are paid And treated well.

[Fusspilz]

Just posting to say you sound like a wonderful mother! Definitely pursue that childcare career!

[Boysnme]

If your Dniece is already 5 then she should be in school in Scotland. If she is turning 5 later this year/early next then she will have been deferred (not that straightforward but possible for Oct to Dec bday). However that is completely not the point of this thread. Well done OP for standing up to your sister, it can be really difficult to say no to family but you have done the right thing for you and your DD.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Well done. It's hard to stand up for yourself when your family is just behaving the way they always have.

Same old roles, same old behaviours.

But you've made a break with that by not being a push over and a glorified servant (!), and made it clear that they cannot shove your toddler into the scapegoat role, acting out their own dysfunctional crapness.

So, you've taken a big step forwards, and it will get easier if they try and do anything like this again. Once you've stood up to them, and really politely and calmly refused to budge on it, they'll start to realise that things have changed.

Well done again!

[FlabulousChic]

Tell them to get alternative child care ... or seeing as it's now page ten you might have already