I'm sick of my dd getting the blame..

[Usernameinvalid16]

My dd is 2 years old. Dniece (5) Dnephew (also 2) are at my house everyday (both parents work) and normally everything is fine but occasionally they all fight, its usually over toys.
Now i understand my daughter can be rough, we are working our hardest (with her preschool teachers) to get her to stop and her behaviour has improved! She has stopped the hair pulling, biting, pushing and pulling. I am really happy with her progress.

Dsis and BIL can't see the improvement (we physically see them once a week) Dsis does drop offs and pick ups but i only see her for 5 mins in the morning and afternoon.
When they do visit they constantly shout at dd when in my opinion she has done nothing wrong (jumping around, shouting and running in circles) i do remind her to use her inside voice but she gets excited. I don't agree with telling her to 'shut up' because i have a headache..

Dnepew does cry a lot. Whenever my dd gets close he slaps her. I try to tell Dsis this but she thinks the fault lies with dd. I see the 3 dc everyday and i know what they are like! Dniece blames dd for everything even if i seen Dniece do it.
For example Dniece throws all the shoes off the rack and i ask why did you do that? Can you pick them back up please she then turns around and tells me that dd done it and she won't pick them up. Another one is she emptied the 2 toy boxes and when asked to pick them back up she tells me that dd should do it because it was her fault, i could go on.
Dniece obviously tells her version of events and i'm sure you know how children exaggerate things/make them up. I always get a phonecall accusing dd of pulling dniece's hair or scratching her and i think to myself that never happened and fill them in on what we have done that day and they will go on and on with 'but dniece told me this happened' she could tell them that a 3 legged elephant jumped out the bushes and they would believe her because 'she doesn't tell lies'.
Anyway tonight i had a few missed calls and they told me that dniece has a massive scratch on her back (obviously i do not have a clue where that came from) i don't take her clothes off, she uses the bathroom by herself all i do is remind her to wash her hands. She has told them that dd done it but dniece never said anything to me about it (she normally cries and tells me instantly) but nothing like that happened today. Infact i had a word with them all about getting on because they are friends and dniece was huffy about it.
I am getting fed up of it now and its really upsetting me.
Maybe it is dd faults and i'm just fooling myself about her improvement.
I don't know why i'm posting this, i think i just wanted to get a few things off my chest.

[MagikarpetRide]

There's no benefit here for your dd. Seems like your niece and nephew have realised she's a convenient scapegoat. The fact the adults believe them over you is very telling too.

You need to stop having your niece and nephew I'm afraid.

[Astro55]

Yes - stop having them - it won't end well! If SIL isn't happy tell her to go elsewhere

[ADishBestEatenCold]

It all sounds a bit overwhelming for a 2 year old who, according to your post, was already having behavioral issues addressed.

She not only goes to nursery/preschool, but in addition every morning and evening her cousins arrive/leave, with a very rushed handover each time, but accusations/issues being raised much later, with no opportunity to follow-up.

It doesn't sound as if anyone is getting anything positive from this arrangement, least of all your daughter.

Would it be possible to either stop minding your niece and nephew for a while, or to at least pare it back to once or twice a week?

[Usernameinvalid16]

I haven't posted about this before. They do pay me but not as much as a childminder would get. I feel like dds behaviour has improved a lot and i know she doesn't respond well to shouting so i tend to be gentle about it (oh you know we don't do that we are kind to our friends, can you say sorry please) and it may seem crazy but it works for us. I know the only reason it works for them is because they save money, i will do some more thinking but i think i already know what i want to do.

[SortAllTheThings]

Your DD will pick up on this more and more. She's being scapegoated, blamed in her own house. It's really unfair and you need to let your sister know that this is bullshit.

Also, not sure about the legalities of taking payment, are you a registered childminder?

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

If you want to continue, you need to stick to some strict ground rules, including the parents' not bad mouthing you (or your daughter) in front of their children, or hurling accusations.
Their children will have no respect for you if you are constantly criticised in front of them.

[Usernameinvalid16]

ADishBestEatenCold tbh i'm glad she goes to nursery for 2 hours mon-fri, she gets on really well there and its the only place she doesn't get blamed for everything. They have the same approach as me (kind to your friends and toys) it's lovely to see her happy and thriving.

[TheAntiBoop]

Where are your niece and nephew during the day? How much time are they spending with you each day?

[SortAllTheThings]

And the gentle approach doesn't seem crazy at all. 2yo's respond better to this and learn so much from modelled behaviour (as do all kids).

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Why do you think it sounds crazy?

I did not raise my voice towards my DS when he was little, for anything less than scarifying danger! No! As he goes to touch the plug etc.

There is absolutely no other reason for shouting and screaming at babies or toddlers. They don't deserve to be scared by the people they trust. It doesn't particularly work and as they grow up, you're teaching them to ignore everything you say unless you get angry and start shouting.

It sounds like it's a new thing in your family not to scream and shout at a tiny child. That, in a nutshell is what's wrong with this situation!
Sounds like they want you to lose it at your baby whenever they demand it. And no prizes for who's becoming the 'whipping boy' in your family.

Stop childminding on the cheap, for people who don't have your toddlers interests at heart. Start doing it as a profession.

Carry on not shouting at your toddler :)

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

You don't have to be registered if it is a friendly arrangement and the money given purely covers the children's food/provisions/outings etc.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"i'm glad she goes to nursery for 2 hours mon-fri, .... They have the same approach as me (kind to your friends and toys)"

You have your own answer there, Usernameinvalid.

Continue with nursery and stop minding your sister's children (you could word it as 'a break from it, to sort things out').
Then you can make future contact between the cousins, planned, pleasurable and occasional, with your daughter's needs firmly in mind.

[Sprinklestar]

Stop being so wet, OP! You're complicit in your DD being the family whipping boy. Why would you do that to her? No more childminding for ungrateful family. The end.

[Usernameinvalid16]

I hate shouting and i hate shouting at an innocent little child. When they shout at her and i tell them to stop they tell me that what i'm doing isn't working and they don't agree with my approach. When i see her get upset and say that they are bad it breaks my heart

The money they give me covers food, petrol and outings.

[LyndaNotLinda]

Don't have kids in your house every day who are unkind to your DD! The dynamic sounds horrible.

Tell them to find other childcare - they sound horrible

[TheAntiBoop]

Please end this arrangement. It really isn't good for her

[Sprinklestar]

So you've told them not to shout at DD in your home more than once? And they've always ignored you?

[CorkieD]

When they do visit they constantly shout at dd

I cannot get past this sentence. Your Dsis and BIL sound absolutely awful. I would refrain from giving them any more subsidised child minding.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

The money they give me covers food, petrol and outings.

So you won't even miss it once you don't have to cover food, petrol and outings?

FFS - put your child first here. You are making her life horrible. "Dear brother and SIL. As I'm sure you'll agree the arrangement of me looking after Susie and Jack is no longer working for any other children. I'm willing to have them until after half term in order to give you time to make other arrangements. Hopefully the cousins will get on better when they are not in such close contact all the time and will be able to grow up together as a happy family. Lol User"

[dingdongdigeridoo]

Tell them that the days of cheap childcare are over. I bet if they had to pay over a grand a month for full time nursery they'd suddenly realise your DD isn't a bad influence after all.

[Mummaaaaaah]

christ on a bike. end this now. doesn't sound like there is anything in this for anyone except DSis and Bil who aren't exactly being appreciative, or supportive.

good luck!

[OhBigHairyBollocks]

Then your reply needs to be "This arrangement is no longer working, you must find alternate childcare by X-date"

[Usernameinvalid16]

Yes they ignore me because 'my parenting skills are not the best' i admit i found being a parent hard which is why i went to parenting classes to help me (i love learning about child development and i am looking into doing it as a profession) i need to go back to college but i want to do it.

[GloriaGaynor]

This has got to stop OP, it's impacting DD's life. I bet her behaviour will improve massively when you stop them coming. You are going to stop aren't you?